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A Stranger In A Pony Land

A human with a dark past ends up in equestria. Seeing the innocent world of pony's. He decides to stay and try to redeem himself of a dark and sad past

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 3 )

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Comment posted by fastnbulbous deleted Jun 7th, 2016

PonyJosiah13

PonyJosiah13 #2 · Jul 27th, 2014 · · · Chapter 1 ·

A fine start, but it needs work. Your grammar could use a little work, and your pacing needs to be changed: the story's moving too fast. Try breaking it up with some more dialogue (like when the human met Apple Bloom) and more descriptions. Remember: show, don't tell.

Sir Top Hat

Sir Top Hat #3 · Aug 15th, 2014 · · · Chapter 2 ·

This story has some potential. But it seems a little... Rushed. Like the character new what exactly piece by piece what to do. It tells me what is going on but I can't really see in my head what is going on. Readers like description of a story's setting and action. They don't want to hear, I picked up the apple faster than her, they want hear, I swilled the apple just before her. And also, like I said before, the story feels rushed. It goes by like road runner. I didn't really have time to feel the characters feeling in his dark past story. Slow down and smell the roses, give us a heart jerking story making want to read the story to see if his past really effects the story's plot in any way or how he interacts with other characters.

Again, this has so much potential. But I wanna see you use that potential to its fullest!