Red Heart

SmackOfJelly #1 · Apr 18th, 2012 · · · Bleeding Hearts ·

This is the most morbid,cruelest thing I've ever read in my life. And I've read many short stories and novels. I find this story overwhelmingly sad,but great.

M4xwell

M4xwell #2 · Apr 18th, 2012 · · · Bleeding Hearts ·

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467695

You can thank Parafrap for making you feel like that, I'm only the messenger.
But thanks nonetheless, I'll tell him what you said.

M4xwell

M4xwell #3 · Apr 18th, 2012 · · · Bleeding Hearts ·

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467524 you'll go more into details on Redheart's story as chapters progress, and Maybe you'll find your perfect answer.

Doctor Valor

Doctor Valor #4 · Apr 18th, 2012 · · · Bleeding Hearts ·

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I bucking love this. Every bit of it. Well, not the raping of bestpony Redheart, but everything else is bloody amazing!

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning... Smell's like... Victory.".

M4xwell

M4xwell #5 · Apr 18th, 2012 · · · Bleeding Hearts ·

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467867 Oh, Ho, HO. Raping of Redheart? We're not there yet...

SmackOfJelly

SmackOfJelly #6 · Apr 19th, 2012 · · · Broken Hearts ·

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I fucking want to rip the guts out of the pony who decapitated Trueheart..with butter knife and restraint attached to his extremities.

Dezmo

Dezmo #7 · Apr 20th, 2012 · · · Red Hearts ·

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After think for a while i decided to just write a short and sweet review per chapter instead of one big long one.
Why?
Well because this chapter alone has plenty of points that i need to cover. So without further ado.

Review for Chapter 1:
The start of your story was ok. Not bad or fantastic but ok. It did its job and set the mood and made me angry at Berry punch. Up until this chapter did i get bombed with the letter 'I'...
"I tossed and turned all night. Whenever I began to doze off, the next song would start and wake me right up. I did, eventually, manage to fall asleep. Well, at 3:00 in the morning. Four hours of sleep later, I woke up on the floor and realized that I was extremely late for work. I didn't have to time to do my mane or even eat a bowl of hay."

""Why aren't you doing your job?" all the other doctors said, while lying down and watching me."
The rant about her job and her day was perfect. Nothing serious although you did abuse your character a lot with not letting her eat, nap, and or get a break besides the fact that she got a free ride home. But even then it was not really a gift since it was free for her anyways. As much as i like a good rant and bad days are necessary this one was a bit of an overkill. One, You could have given her some slack. I am one to understand the Main Character has to have a bad time but with this day she could have died from exhaustion and or sleep deprivation. What i am trying to say is that this is really unrealistic, Now granted yes this is a fanfiction, but even in stories there has to be some kind of balance, And this was completely one sided. Tip: Now instead of the cab driver giving her a free ride because Hospital ponies always get one, you should change it to where he understands her hard day and gives her a free ride out of kindness. That way it makes me feel better about the Character and its realistic.

"Berry kept rambling, "You know, we're best friends!""
The scene with Berry and Redheart was in my opinion ruined by how rushed it was. Sure eventually they would both get drunk together and tell each other their back stories but you did all that in about 150 words. There was no emotion besides the fact that wine and regret was in place. Honestly if i saw this even in real life i would be hard pressed to actually believe it was real. Which brings me back to the same point. This scene is just really Unrealistic. Its to fast and each Mare reacts just the way they are supposed to be for this perfect scene to play out just the right way. Catching on?

Final thought:
All in all it was not bad. But it needs some work. Try to act these scenes out loud in your head or hell even in front of a mirror. If you can get yourself convinced into that scene then you have made it realistic. My personal way to see if i have written a good scene is to 'read' it like i am a Bard telling a story to random strangers in a tavern back in 1800's. Why? Well because your forced to explain a lot better, and it puts you into this 'story telling' mood. Slow down, Explain more and don't be afraid to reward your Main Character some good things.

I shall see you on the next chapter.

M4xwell

M4xwell #8 · Apr 20th, 2012 · · · Broken Hearts ·

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472792

I have sent this to my friend, Parafrap, for him to read. Thank you for the critique and i hope he fixes what you say.
Or i WILL give him a little present...

M4xwell

M4xwell #9 · Apr 20th, 2012 · · · Red Hearts ·

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472792

AHEM. let me put my critic hat on and get my bottle of Jägermeister.
(Inside joke sorry)

My opinion of this: first of all, I did not write this so this means I can review it myself and maybe give an explanation or two.
OK.
I think of this chapter as a filler, to be honest. It was just used to show the background of the story, but it was plotted and written in a rushed way. It was made perhaps just to unlock the 'flashbacks' for when the real story commences.
The characterization is ok but not fully fulfilled and the relationships are still not produced. Over the flashbacks, they may begin to create relationships and perhaps similarities between the two original, main protagonists. Although this was not his best chapter, he needed it to at least show where it is going to.

Good day.

Doctor Valor