Cover art by Iron Hooves. Availible for takedown upon request.
Blessed with a RAGE REVIEW by Pen Brush! Thank you!
(Link to review)
If you're reading this, send help.
I don't know what vile force decided to dump me on this planet without the courtesy of letting me change out of my PJs, but he/she/it had less than benevolent intentions. I came to that conclusion the moment I woke up next next to an irritable, jumbo-sized bird of prey by the name of Gilda.
The good news is that human doesn't seem to be on the local diet, Gilda's family are far more docile than her, and there may just be a shot at seeing Earth again if this world's magic is to be trusted.
The bad? Said chance at getting home is far too interested in picking my brains apart or otherwise using me up for comfort. Then there’s the small matter of the many crushing, stabbing, and get-blown-to-bits, hazards associated with a world full of mythical creatures. Oh, did I mention that I was allergic to the natives?
Seriously, if this is the cosmos' idea of entertainment, something's gone terribly wrong.
Good start
Not bad honestly
You could run for it, but I doubt you'd get far.
4748969
Yup, as soon as reality kicks in...
DO YOU EVEN PRAISE THE SUN MOTHERFUCKER????
4749263
When it behooves me.
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OH MY GOD YES NEVER HAVE I SEEN A STORY SO DAMN GOOD(not sarcasm) this has me hooked like a two doller crack whore
A great start. Like how Gilda is having the same reaction to being in bed with an alien as any human would.
Let's see where it goes from here.
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I'm glad you guys like it!
As I type, I'm plotting a few possible storylines; I will do everything in my power to maintain quality for you.
Just a heads up though, I have a few editing/proofreading commitments and another fic on the way that may slow the progress of this one. How much you ask?
I haven't a clue, after I release the Astralverse and get into a steady update schedule I'll be able to tell.
4749454 good this pleases me i await more with my cunt soaking
>Can't even spell "Murphy" correctly in the title.
Oh yeah, this bodes well for the story.
4749472
Fixed. I appreciate your assistance.
Well this was a pleasant surprise. Now I wonder if he is in her world or she is in his?
Also, how are they gonna... well anything if he has a feather allergy? I can't wait to find out! 
Good start can't wait to see where it goes
4749643
Seeing that he added it to the 'Human in Equestria' group, I'm guessing the former
4750616 Touché.
Saw your request for a critique in the Writers Support group, so here you go:
Okay, for a first fanfic, written in only a couple of hours, that was extremely impressive. Mechanically I really see no flaws. You do a good job using active voice, no sign of LUS, solid grammar, varied paragraph size, I could go on, but I think you get the idea.
A common mis step with HiEs (especially ones written in first person) is that the protagonist tends to be extremely boring, but this guy is actually pretty compelling, well, from what I've seen of him so far anyway; its a little too soon to really judge his character, but so far so good.
It could use a little more description, but even that, I'm too sure about. Its clear that you're going for a more tense scene, and too much description could very easily ruin that.
Some nitpicks
-Gilda seems a little big, like, the way you describe her seems right for a griffin straight out of mythology, but in the show, griffins (especially Gilda) are shown to be only slightly larger in ponies, which most people (myself included) seem to agree are about the size of a mid sized dog, making griffins about the size of large(er) dog, but the way you describe her she seems to be bigger than our protagonist. And while we're on the subject of size...
-"...A machine gun pulse pushed back at me." the larger the animal, the slower the pulse. Also, if she's supposed to be sleeping, then her pulse should be even slower.
-"Gilda, to this day, still laughs at me, saying that I wept like a chick at that moment." I honestly don't know about this, it just feels, out of place somehow, like it just kinda comes out of nowhere, and interrupts the flow. Its nowhere near as bad as if you had done this in a 3rd person story, but I still feel thats is out of place.
All in all, this is a really solid story, and I might just keep an eye on it, and see where it goes (and that's coming from a guy who doesn't even like HiE, or Gilda
)
4751722
One does not simply get a dislike from stating that he wants more griffon stories and that he will wait until next chapter to come to a verdict,
but you fucked it up big time.
Congratulations
(The dislike wasn't by me, btw.)
Well I cant say if i like the story yet (as there hasn't been much of a story so far
), but your character is quite amusing and interesting. keep up the good work bro!
As some of the humans were wont to say, "There is but one God, and Murphy is His prophet."
I think I'm going to like this.
Hahahah, this beginning is good!
But do you know how would be it even better?
If he said 'Praise the Sun!'
fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/096/1/0/chibi_solaire_and_the_sun_by_usagilovex-d4v9swn.jpg
Yes, ah, yess....
Anyway. Gilda is not a common character to be used, I like the idea, and also, I'm curious about how this will continue. So, let us see that, shall we?
-Zeph
Awesome line/paragraph.
)
I'll follow and like just for that.
(Keep the quality up.
This gets faved, simply for Gilda announcing she wasn't going to eat the poor, likely-allergic-to-cats guy.
And so The Lord sayeth to his servant
...shit son that's not one of mine
I'll hand you a fav, cuz I want to see more!!
I give a like. But the fav comes after the next chapter.
For your first fic, Im glad you wrote something like this where everything is so random and full of fun. It has no expectations to meet and nobody in particular to impress. I hope you don't lose that spark of absolute randomness and write for your own enjoyment as much as for ours :)
4752677 you haven't read griffin the griffin have you?
4754581
No, sorry, I have no weeks to finish something of that caliber.
Hmm... I may have a look at this later, the only thing really holding me back is the fact that you took two screen shots of the fact you were featured. This could just be me, but it seems really tasteless, though I know that you're hardly the first person to do it but it immediately makes me think twice about actually reading a fic when the author does something like that.
All in all, I might give this another look later, I might not.
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In retrospect, I can see how that looks egotistic, I'll remedy it immediately.
My apologies to everyone, for that.
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It's fine, like I said, it's not just you, it's something that's popped up on Fimfiction recently and I just happen to have a distaste towards it.
Now that I've read this chapter, I must say, I enjoyed it quite a bit
The guy's reaction is very typical 'nerd' and I have to say, his mental monologue is really fun so that's good too! Anyways, have a like and a favorite along with a nice comment. I hope to see more.
4754611 oh you missing out friend it is a amazing story but yea it took me a few months to finish it even with jest listaning to it by IMRifly on youtube
Oh, and on a random note, why is your description the color it is? For some reason it looks different then any of the other stories I've seen, like it's in its own random box?
this brought me a few giglles
, please continue.
Great start so far cant wait to see if He is in Equestria or If she is on Earth.
er... couldn't even if she tried... how does he know this? is he some how immortal now and he knows it? Because I'm pretty sure if she tried she could tear him to shreds with her claws.
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When Gilda spoke and assured him that he wouldn't be eaten, he thought that God had answered his prayer for protection.
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Does it characterize Gilda well?
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I used the quote button to place it in the box because it denotes the description as a direct excerpt from the story.
At least, I think that's what it does; I've seen another writer do it.
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Ah, nvm then, thought you might have screwed up something in the fimfiction code and was trying to help
I've enjoyed it thus far... I'd enjoy reading more...
Continue!
Well... That's Interesting
.
I'll give this a fav, just to see where this goes. Even if references to human religions is a pet peeve of mine. How long I keep this story faved depends a lot on how big of a fanatic your main character is. I just have a rather low tolerance for fanatical behaviour thanks to its destructive nature.
4749458 uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Played for laughs (as a compulsive habit say) that might be amusing, and it's also pretty much the only aspect of his character you spend any time on. (Allergies are a description of his body, not character as such.) That, and HiE/PoE but with a Griffin, is pretty much all you have here at the moment.
So far you have is a teaser scene. You need to add quite a bit more before you have even the beginning of a story. While I understand the desire for quick feedback, as it stands I would not judge this ready for publication. Thumbs down.
4754581 I tried to get into griffin the griffin but the conversations feel a bit flat, like Griffin talking to card board cut-outs of Gilda and Trixy. most conversation seem to be just him giving a long winded explanation and them agreeing or finishing his sentences. I don't know if it gets better later but after 20 chapters I had to stop the dialog was painfully unnatural. Its sad because I really liked the premise and the whole gathering a crew thing as roaming outlaws was good but i just could not sit through that dialog.
Hmm... Bit of an unrealistic reaction from gilda... I would kinda expect her to be a bit more firm in keeping him where he was sitting until he answered her question. All in all though I'm interested, I would like to read more.
Interesting yet brief so far. Though you misspelled "dweeb" as "dweb."
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I appreciate the time you put into this critique!
In regards Gilda's size; yes, I was thinking more along the lines of mythological griffons; the protagonist still has some ways to go before he hits the size of an average human adult, but the ratio between the two could still use some tweeking.
As for her pulse, birds tend to have a higher BPM than us humans, somthing I gleaned from James Patterson's Maximum Ride series IIRC. However, upon looking it up I have found that the average heart beats per minute (BPM) of an american robin at rest is 570 compared to a human's 100-60 (BPM).
That being said, a larger turkey's resting BPM is at 93, much closer to ours.
The paragraph in question will be edited.
The odd paragraph near the end was meant to give the story the feeling of a "gather 'round the cozy armchair tale." that the The Saxon Stories by Bernard Cornwell have. Does it severely affect the enjoyment of the story rather than increase immersion? If so I will be happy to edit it out.
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Another error put to the sword by a good samaritan!
Thank you, I will weed it out post-haste.