• Member Since 20th Jul, 2014
  • offline last seen Jul 28th, 2018

ImaChick3376_SS


Hello how's it going I'm someone who recently became a fan mlp and love all the stories you were writing so I decided to make a page I also draw fan art and just a big shout for mlp fim.

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Discord life is a strange one at that. In fact how did a chaotic creature come about?...

We go to the only place we can find out, Derpy's house. Why is that you ask because discord has been living there. Where else would it be best ask other than straight from the draconequus's mouth. It is an adventure threw time, discussing the past, and making decisions to change the future. It is the beginning of the beginning or the beginning of the end of the middle, ah who cares let's just open the book already.

Chapters (0)
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Comments ( 1 )

First and foremost, this is not good. Both descriptions are unimpressive and filled with grammar mistakes. Not to mention the shout out for finding grammatical errors, which houses a spelling error. Neither really draws a reader in and is just, "Hey look at this idea I came up with."

On to the story. It begins in the second person with an assumption that there are three characters involved, Discord, Derpy, and the reader. Yet the next paragraph and beyond only has Discord and Derpy featured. And why are the two together in the first place? Derpy is doing laundry but is she just being visited by Discord for some reason or are they staying together?

You ask for grammar issues to be made known but there are far too many to name. Several parts of the story are difficult to read due to that fact. Punctuation, capitalization, and spelling errors also plague you writing. Should you continue this, you should seek and editor and fix this chapter before moving on to others.

Your final two chapters are unclear as to who is telling the story now. Is it Discord recounting his story or a flashback to his past? Not to mention it is incredibly unclear as to what is going on. There are a couple of reasons for this. Grammar and the other issues I named earlier are one, the lack of clarity on who is telling the story and the direction, and the layout of your story.

Normally, when you want to write stories like this, it is a good idea to separate talking from the story. You can read books and other fan stories for ideas on how work the layout. Having the dialogue mixed with the rest of the writing leaves the reader confused and lost in a wall of words. It's difficult to keep up and figure out which way they are going.

Overall, I will have to rate your story at a 0 out of 10 and I will be giving you a dislike. I advise you to read more to learn how to describe what is happening and how to setup your story layout for ease of reading. Also, as I said, you should seek out an editor and you will need a proofreader as well. Following this, you will improve. Good luck on future endeavors.

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