• Member Since 23rd Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Zaid ValRoa

"Fanfic [has] been on the decline since the Aeneid." --Anonymous poster 18/03/15


A farmer, a teacher, a student, a family.
One morning, they woke up and realised something was missing.
But what, exactly, has been lost?

Chapter 2 - Deleted Scene
"What Do Ponies Truly Fear?" - Essay

Chapters (13)
Comments ( 270 )
LunaUsesCaps #1 · Jul 22nd, 2014 · · 1 · 1 ·

This setup was alright, I think it could use some work though. Here's an alternate ending I wrote, remember to give me 50% credit for the entire story when you decide to change it.

Twilight focused her attention back on Golden Harvest. Her eyes scanned the mare sitting on the couch, trying to figure out what was wrong. And then she saw it.

Or rather, didn’t see it.

“I’m scared, Twilight.” The words barely registered as Twilight’s mind went numb.

A thunder roared outside of the farmhouse.

Golden Harvest had no legs.

My God...
That's brilliant!

BBkat #3 · Jul 22nd, 2014 · · · 1 ·

You got a couple tense slippages here-

making Twilight’s boots sank on the soft soil.


How comes we didn’t realise that


Spike went straight to the oven and turned it on

I'm pretty sure you want stove, not oven. Stuff goes in the oven, but on the stove and Spike is pulling out frying pans to put on it. That and you correctly mention him turning the stove off several lines later.

But you have me intrigued now.

...huh, looks like that cutie mark remover potion that was joked about in 'The Three Sisters: Families are like Fudge' first chapter is actually reality here...

Intriguing idea and you built up the atmosphere beautifully.

Just hate bullies

I'm glad you enjoyed the story, I'll work hard to make it even better.
Thanks for that, I'll edit it soon enough.

Yes, very good story. If it continues with this quality, I will most likely fave.

Like another said, you built up the atmosphere excellently.

Its well written, everyone seems in character and the Idea is interesting. I think Ill keep my eye on this one.

This is interesting so far. I look forward to seeing more.

Following this story. I like the idea and am interested in seeing where this goes.

The coverpage title pic is AWESOME. Think you could ever make ME a cover page?? Pleeease?? :pinkiehappy:

Wonderful story so far. I'm looking forward to more :twilightsmile:

I just noticed one error.

En evil smirk formed on the filly’s face.

It should be an, not en. :twilightsheepish:

You got a great start right there, and I'm interested to know what you have up next. Though aside from one misspelling, I noticed that you forgot to give Applejack and Apple Bloom their accents, and that Diamond Tiara comes off as less mean, in spite of you using the term evil to describe her, which actually is a bit over the top to describe a filly. Other than that, keep doing what you've doing.

4737445 Hmmm... You're right.
That's a pretty big overlook. I'll work on it once I'm done with Ch. 2

And regarding Diamond Tiara, I suppose I was just projecting, since that's the same criticism I've received several times about this story. I started planning this back in mid-February. I'll work on it, there's still room for improvement.

Also, your name is fitting.

The town's reaction seems a little over the top, but it's not exactly the first time Ponyville would have overreacted to something.

Excellent work on this story. Despite a few grammatical errors here and there, in addition to the lack of a southern twang, this is a wonderful story idea. Considering that Golden Harvest could barely stand, and her Cutie Mark was missing, I'm assuming that this story is building on what happened with Tirek?

4737904 Funny thing, I actually began planning this fic three months before the Finale.
You could imagine my reaction when I saw the last episodes.

How did you not see it? I specifically started reading the story because I was expecting it from the description and title.

My main question, although I suppose it will be answered soon enough, is how many ponies have been affected with this ailment/disease/curse? At least so far, it would appear to be many but not all ponies.

4737935 wow. That's a downright conspiracy.

4738012 Answers will come with the next chapter.
Many questions will come too, I think I should clarify that.:twilightsmile:

4738014 That, or I can predict the future.

this is a good story but you shouldn't have the first chapter centered around a big reveal that was given away in the description.

ill be keeping an eye on this one :twilightsmile:

Alright, I gotta say you absolutely nailed Spike and Twilight's relationship. Dunno why that's the main thing I noticed about this story, but their dialogue felt so natural I swear it could've been in an episode.

Good job, bub. I'm watching this story to see where it goes.

Well, I'm following this.


Yeah, I mean, having the thing that you use to define your identity more than anything else besides your name and appearance stripped from you isn't dark at all amirite


Library's still there.


Well if you've been planning this for that long, I'll be expecting a lot from you. :rainbowdetermined2:

So Cutie Mark Theft...
Please let this not be one about "one and only destiny"...

4739685 Shut up man! Don't you know that cutie marks are the only thing that can make a pony useful!? I mean, Applejack would probably still be able to buck apples without one, but how would she know that it was what she was supposed to do without a tattoo on her butt!? HOW WOULD SHE KNOW!? IT'S NOT LIKE SHE COULD GO AND DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS TO!

So insensitive.

While not exactly an original concept, you've made it pretty interesting so far. You're also pretty good at writing scenes and dialogue so that they feel normal, rather than feeling forced and artificial. In fact, you're better at that than most of the folks around here.

I'm putting this on my "read later" list to keep an eye on it.

4739586 Yes, I know. I was referring to when Tirek first appeared and stole pony magic.

Interesting premise. I'll be looking forward to seeing where this goes. :twilightsmile:

o no, how will she remember what her talent is now?!

and poor applejack, without the image of apples on her flank, who is she? a slave to the government that's who!

no identity, they lost it all... everything that makes them who they are- oh, wait. It's only a tattoo so that they know what their talent is when they do find it. Yeaaaaaah. A terrible thing indeed!

The cover art reminds me of Blind.

The cover art reminds me of The Blindness.

You don't need to write the accent though. We know she has an accent, and being that this isn't an audio-visual medium, we don't need you to express it through the dialogue.

At the very least though, if you insist on doing it, please don't use "Y'all" when you mean "You". "Y'all" means "You all". "You" written in a southern accent (Which, again, speaking as someone with a southern accent, is REALLY F**KING WEIRD) would be "Ya".

4741263 Finally someone made the connection.
The cover (and to some extent, the story itself) is inspired by the novel "Blindness".

It might be kinda hard for anyone to start singing "what my cutie mark is telling me" when they aint got one ... :rainbowderp:
Seriously though, as soon as I found out the problem contained missing cutie marks my first thought was the screwed up spell Twilight cast right before she grew her some wings... Did Twilight cause this? or did someone else? :pinkiegasp:

Nice set up. I'll be following this story.

Hm, I guessed it at the last second! Though, you had me going for almost the entire chapter :rainbowlaugh:

This is interesting. The slice of life tag fits the story very well so far! :twilightsmile:

Whoa, chilling opening premise. :derpyderp2: Love the sense of tension and mystery about it. Definetly giving this a follow:pinkiesmile:

The filly’s reaction only worried Twilight, whose mind immediately started to think of possible scenarios that would make Applejack stay at home. None of them were particularly positive.

Move up to the period the line above.

She backed a couple of steps and spoke again “Goodbye, Miss Twilight. And thanks for the help.” She then started walking towards the Ponyville School. “Goodbye, Spike.”

Move after the end " marks the line above.

She assumed that everyone would be inside due to the heavy rain, so she went straight to the farmhouse, and knocked on the door. She didn’t have to wait too long until Applejack opened the door.

Move up to the period the line above.

Granny Smith was sitting on her rocking chair and looking through a window at the rain pouring down outside.

That same paragraph. Same solution as above.

The only problem I have with this fic, and it's a big one. Is that you randomly break paragraphs, and it's not even a full break, it's just moved down one line. You need to watch that on your future chapters. Make sure everything is structurally sound.

Other than that, this is an interesting premise, I was thinking this was going to be one of those fics where a pony tries interacting with others, and they don't see him/her. But this is so much more awesome. To literally wake up one morning, and find out your Cutie Mark, what shows everyone what makes you special, the greatest moment in a ponies life / social identity. To just up and disappear. That is the most psychologically horrifying things ever. I can't wait to see what happens next. Just watch those paragraphs please.

Let us watch. :derpyderp1: Let us see. :derpyderp2: Let us silently judge the Author... :pinkiecrazy:

4742569 Thanks for the feedback, I'll keep that in consideration while writing Ch. 2

4742603 Great, no pressure then.

You really didn't need to point it out. It's a given that fans would know how to write a Southern accent to some degree. And while it's not mandatory, there are a lot of reasons emphasizing the Southern accent is strongly recommended, and it all has to do with the credibility of the character.

Having it there would more likely convince reader that the Applejack they are reading about is as genuine as Applejack they've seen in the show, because the accent gives the character personality and depth. Also an AJ speaking like an average Joe is less likely to be believe than one without the accent because she would only feel like a flat imitation. Giving her an accent also makes it easier for the reader to get invested in the story. With the accent, the reader doesn't have to keep reminding himself that this is Applejack.

The less effort it takes to understand the words and context, the more energy and emotion the reader can invest in a story. The same can apply to Rarity and Luna as well.

So even if it isn't an audio-visual medium, TV still is. Because fan fiction is based on TV and other kinds of medium with sound, you need to be as close as possible to the source for a story to be believable.

Applejack on TV has an accent, so must Applejack in fan fiction have one.

4742569 What do you mean by move up to the period the line above? That makes no sense.

4742720 There's some formatting errors. They're not visible in the snippets but there's some extra newlines for no apparent reason.


I'll give an example [hint. Read the sentence before the fix.]

Apple Bloom frowned and twisted her mouth “Well, y'see…” she trailed off and kicked the ground with her hooves.
The filly’s reaction only worried Twilight, whose mind immediately started to think of possible scenarios that would make Applejack stay at home. None of them were particularly positive.

See how the paragraph is broken after "with her hooves."

To the period the live above. Is talking about the period after hooves. Where it'd turn the broken paragraph to a full paragraph.


Awesome. I'm looking forward to it, so far this fic all in all is put together rather well. I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with it.

4742879 I think I'm following you but not really sure. It should all be one paragraph is what you're saying, right?

Login or register to comment