Silver Spoon and Scootaloo could never get along. A class project forces them to.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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you dirty..... cliffhangers!!!!!!
2218703
Cliffhangers are magic
cliffhangers are magic indeed, dark magic
All I can say about this whole chapter. I like it but Octavia is more grey than silver.
Huuh... I'm assuming some sort of aircraft or glider, then.
Makes sense. Typical fanon is that Silver Spoon is a Silversmith, and that'd probably translate to metal working in general. Tie that in with a lifelong obsession with aerodynamics and you might have a two-person engineering crew capable of doing something like that.
So... silver wings?
2219237
That was Young Octavia.
Octavia after raising Scootaloo has more than earned her silver
2219237>>2222197
True, Octavia is sort of a darker grey where Silver Spoon is actually more silvery. I just don't really like the word 'grey' because it seems very drab to me, and Octavia is anything but drab.
2219504>>2220004
I shan't spoil anything, but it's interesting to see what people come up with based on what I give them to go on. That said, your guess makes me think I should probably just go ahead with the 'reveal' next chapter instead of trying to hold out for a while to maintain the 'suspense'.
Hello and welcome to the WRITE group. I’m Simon o’Sullivan, and this thing in my face is my beard. Together, we’ll review your fic, as our group founder assigned us.
…Okay, I’ve got nothing. I’m honest here. I’m surprised that they send me a story of this quality to review. If there are more issues I didn’t notice, the story’s solid and good enough to make a reader not to notice them, which is no small feat. This are a few that I noticed, though.
Comma after “Alright”
You have a double space there. You have this issue throughout the story. I’d recommend you to go through it and correct them.
Try not to use ellipses during third person narration. It feels odd.
Here the narrator seems to be siding with Scootaloo for some reason.
Wow, that was harsh of Scootaloo to say.
Being a high-class pony, it strikes me as odd for Silver Spoon to refer to Tiara as “DT”. Maybe Tiara would do.
Uh… wow, we have a homophobe here.
The characterization is pretty good. The grown-up fillies have a decently believable personality, and I can wrap around almost any fanon stuff as long as it’s portrayed decently at least. While some people might say something against Cheerilee’s less amicable personality, I approve it; being young adults, she’ll need to be much less “learning is fun!” and more “You’re adults now and you should behave like such.” It’s true that I raised an eyebrow at comments like “Carpet-Munching Crusaders,” and Scootaloo commenting that “she isn’t like her mothers” when she remember how they commented on her staring at Sweetie’s flank. Bear in mind that Equestrians are a tolerant lot, and those comments might fall out of place. If there are downvotes in this story, they might be due to these parts.
I despise Diamond Tiara as a canon character, but I actually like Silver Spoon a lot, so seeing her crying her soul out during half of the story is quite heartbreaking. It’s hard to do that to me, so be honored you got that. You’re good at showing emotions and making the reader feel them too. This is no small feat, and you should keep up the good work.
The premise of the story is excellent and carried along well. We know that the story’s main characters are Scootaloo and Silver Spoon, due to the fact that most scenes, if not all, take place when either one or the other are there or are going to appear if they aren’t there since the beginning. It’s great to see a story that doesn’t feel like the world only goes round where the main characters decide to step in.
I can’t say anything else to improve this fic aside from “keep up the good work.”
Simon o’Sullivan and Beard, WRITE’s Manly Reviewers of Manly Fics
2259601
Thank you so much for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed the story (or at least thought it was of high quality--I hope you enjoyed it, at least!). I imagine you're too busy to really read and respond to comment replies, but I thought I'd spare a few moments to address a couple of your comments.
When I was a kid, double spaces were totally a thing. I know the standard has changed since then, but it's a tough habit to break out of, especially when typing at speed. I'll try to go back and correct them all, though.
The intent in general was to give the narration from one pony or another's point of view. Whenever it comes across as if I were siding with one of them, it's intentional, to try and give the impression that we're hearing Scootaloo or Silver Spoon's internal monologue.
This is actually one of the central themes of the story. I'm largely of the (fanon-based) opinion that that level of tolerance is learned, not inherent to Equestrians. The idea is that while same-sex relationships are reasonably common--since there's a Twixie and a Vinyltavia already, and probably several more I simply haven't mentioned--there are still some ponies who consider them aberrant, and a few who think they're legitimately abhorrent. That said, neither Scootaloo nor Diamond Tiara are actually homophobic, they're just afraid to be seen as the opposite. They both have their reasons (Scootaloo is mostly just a teenager who's afraid to grow up to be just like her parents), but the crux of the matter is that whenever you see a homophobic comment, it's just as distasteful to the ponies who hear it as it is to you.
Again, thank you deeply for your review. You did an excellent job--as I knew you would--and I'm even more intent on working on this story now that I know it's got legs.
Cheers!
2265460
Oh, believe me, I have time. What I usually don't have is internet connection. However, that doesn't mean I don't read review acknowledgements (I was summoned to do the review, and want to read the author's opinions and discuss points he might've disagreed with me).
One of my WRITE buddies told me about it; a common procedure when using typewriters, apparently. I'm not used to it, but it's not that much of an issue, especially if I've been the only one to point them out.
Yes, I noticed that effect, and it works well. I usually use PoVs to show mental struggles and anything that can't be shown via gestures or emotions, though I never thought aobut making the reader side with a character; I'd rather try keeping a neutral position.
Well, I'm not aware of every fanon theory ever, but that one sounds quite reasonable. To be fair, it only happens twice, and only during the first chapter. I just mentioned them because it appeared out of the blue, unexpected and, until you mentioned here in the review's acknowledgment, I had no idea it was one of the central themes (maybe I'm a bit shallow here, but now that I reread the tags the story has, I can totally see where you're going). Wait...
You know what? Screw everything, The fact that I totally forgot this was a shipfic until I read your comment and reread the tags doesn't mean that I'm shallow (it probably does, but this isn't about me and I ain't getting to the point), but also that the story isn't centered solely around their growing relationship, I've seen that many times, and it's discouraging, because I feel like the world only moves when they're around, which I'm not saying it's a bad thing, as that happened in one of my favorite shipfics ever, but seeing stuff happen differently is refreshing.
As for shipping, the only OTPs for me are those who are canonically married on the show, which basically means that if you give me a good reason and development, I'll wrap my head around almost anything you throw at me.
2270138
I'm glad you commented again. I love comments and reviews of any variety, but people who review and comment with the specific intent of seriously breaking down the story to its base components and trying to help me improve them are rare and valuable, because they're the only way I can improve as a writer.
Your comrade-in-WRITE-arms was correct; the double space is a holdover from the days of typewriting, and was purely stylistic in function. These days it's considered wasteful to double-space sentences, but I can't help preferring the way it looks, especially since I'm prone to using several types of full and partial stop punctuation.
When I write from the 3PO perspective, I stay neutral, since I'm just telling a story, and not opining. From the 3PL perspective, though, I tend to insert a little more of the character's thought process into the narrative, to try and help the reader sympathize with the character. Otherwise, generally disliked characters--like Silver Spoon--would be harder to turn into a believable and desirable protagonist. That said, I went back and reread the line you quoted from the story and realized that it doesn't sound good because it wasn't phrased well. I've since fixed it.
Okay, I need to rephrase myself here. I didn't mean to imply it was a commonly held fanonity (new word!), but that it was just my own personal headcanon. To me, it seems like the more cosmopolitan the location, the more tolerant they would be, with varying degrees based on social standing, that is, upper class ponies are less tolerant because they are more concerned with social graces and reputation than lower class ponies, who have less to lose. Diamond Tiara, in this case, is of the former caste, and is only really homophobic because of it. There are also some moments in her backstory that give her additional cause to be touchy about it, but the basic point is that there are plenty of reasons for her to be anti-gay, even though they are all completely irrational and unique to her.
The hope with these first several chapters is to try and set a stage wherein the two main characters are given meaningful, believable personalities that I can play off one another, and hopefully use as a foil to further the plot later. The main reason I asked for a review in the first place is actually because I was discouraged at how little attention this story seemed to be garnering by comparison to my other two, which are supremely popular by contrast. I suspect to some degree the cause is the Romance tag coupled with those two particular character tags, but I wasn't sure, so I was hoping to get some measure of whether it was well-written and properly premised. I'm pleased with your assessment, because you clearly know what you're talking about, and mean what you say. I really do appreciate the time and effort.
Scootaloo flying Equestria's first airplane.
Cello, huh? I sense a connection with Scootaloo!
Also, even further proof SS is a victim of DT. She just goes along with everything she says without much fuss.
2223374 To make "grey" less drab, all you need to do is qualify it. Octavia happens to be steel-grey.
6600833
Actually according to her wikia page she's Golden Grey. With a hex code color of #bab8af. According to http://www.color-blindness.com/color-name-hue/ they name it Nickle (Grey Nickle). Although Golden Grey sounds better since it sounds sexier and more sophisticated. That and the fusion of gold and silver is Electrum ... which is pretty sweet sounding (and fitting depending on mix of silver to gold).
But yeah, for me it's all about presentation, grey can be suave with the right qualifier. But silver works as well. It's all about presentation.
Unfortunately for silver I can tell you that just because someone was good for you once doesn't mean they are not poison now. And no debt, personal, financial, emotional or otherwise is worth your own mental and emotional well-being.
I learned that one the hard way, and I think the sad part was... It was my father.
Excellent work so far, well done.
7236959
And that line becomes even more sad a few chapters from now. But yeah. Poisonous relationships are even worse when the poison makes you think you need them / owe them. And sorry to hear that it was your father who taught you that lesson.
Just what is The Dash Miss Cheerilee?
8893266
One of these days we'll hopefully find out for sure. But what I do know it's a flying apparatus.