The Cutie Mark Crusaders are playing a nice game of 'Kick the Rock' when, suddenly, their little game becomes a fatal mistake. A mistake they won't soon be forgetting...
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- Member Since 20th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen January 24th
PiercingSight
Tell me, what do you live for? Is it for work? For study? Or is it for the important things? Pleasure, art, friends, family, love? Do you live to work? Or do you work to live?
PiercingSight
Joined 20th Jul, 2014 ·
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Twist was alright, not amazing though. I would have much preferred Rainbow Dash to have died
I would have preferred some foreshadowing in regards to the twist, but it is well-written. Getting used to writing good twists will come with practice, so keep on writing. I still gave it an upvote, since, as I said, the prose was good.
4731501
The idea of this twist is the intensity of the schism between perfectly normal life, and suddenly horrific. The shock was part of it.
Normally, I would have had Applejack say something like, "Now be careful y'all! We don't need anypony gettin' hurt again!" to them as they left, but I decided against it for the purpose of shock.
I assure you, what I wrote was no accident.
4731527 I was a bit more concerned with the twist of the changeling, but I still think you did a good job with this story.
4731543
Ah I see.
Well, if it becomes popular enough, then I'll make a full story with a prologue introducing the changelings as they prepare for battle. It would eventually become an epic war story where the changelings come after the home of the ponies that defeated them before
4731558 A little development never hurts. If you want to write that in the future, go right ahead, and I'll be sure to read it.
Wow. That was unexpected.
I think I would've enjoyed this more had I not gone into it expecting a horror story.
4731747
Apologies. If I could have left it without tags, I would have. I also would have modified the description to be something a little more... tame, yet, intriguing.
Ironically enough, I was half expecting that stone to go through Rainbow's head. Such madness of having both mature filter on and reading "Dark" tagged stories...
Though it is amusing to see where one might be able to take Scootaloo's misbegotten actions and win an epic war versus the changelings.
I shall call her... General Bumbler!
4731752
Huh, I thought you could post a story without tags. I know that I've seen lag-less stories before.
Dang, that was good. I would very much like to see what happens at the Invasion.
And I only have two problems with the story.
Shouldn't it be Rarity giving the lecture?
And why is Ponyville being invaded?
4732557
My thought was that, while Rarity is the fashionista, she definitely isn't a farmer. This is where Applejack's knowledge of food would actually be something useful for Rarity.
I imagine that, when there isn't conflict or drama, the mane six get along by helping eachother, using the talents they have.
Still, no changelings-killer cutie mark?
It wasn't... bad. It was an alright read, I enjoyed it.
The twist was really unexpected. It was so unexpected though, that it didn't seem to flow with the rest of the story. I get what was going on, but with the pacing at the end, you're obviously setting up some form of sequel or series. Tip: Don't say you'll make a series out of this only if you get enough green thumbs. The way you set it up pretty much says there has to be a continuation, because leaving a one-shot like this on that ending will come off as weak otherwise. One-shots with a cliffhanger ending are well-thought out and executed so well that they work overall. There are great examples on this site, or plenty of films that do this. They work because they're well implemented.
But here, it doesn't work, because you're blatantly setting up some big story. And that's fine by itself, but don't say you'll do this series only on the provocative that you get enough upvotes. Either do it anyway, or change the ending so it fits the one-shot, otherwise if you don't end up doing this series, this one-shot comes off with a weak ending. It doesn't stand as a cliffhanger ending, because so much can happen regarding what you set up. So again, you should either do the series with whatever reception you've received here (it's pretty good so far), or, on the chance you drop the idea, change this ending. You can keep the twist, but get rid of the sequel bait. Only have the single Changeling in the vicinity of Ponyville or something, rather than an invasion, something simple like that. I can't come up with anything better off the top of my head.
But again, I enjoyed this. It was light-hearted and easy to pick up. A nice read, with a completely unexpected change at the end, but either revision or going on with the series idea should be executed. I'll give this a upvote, because I enjoyed this, and if you do this series, it may come out very interesting. It'd be nice to see what you could cook up. But it's down to you.
4733753 yeah, but- oh, I see.
4734141
I understand your concern, but this is the way I have to write. My most recent blog post explains what I'm doing and why. In summary, I have too many story ideas, and too little time. The one-offs that get more positive attention will receive priority of my writing time. So something like this, even though it is set up for continuation, likely won't be continued unless it receives enough attention by the time I finish my main story. Make sense?
Also, the ending of this little section, as it stands in this one-off scenario, acts more to justify the presence of the changeling than to give sequel bait.
I'd love this to be continued.
Twilight frowned, Stupid Doll had gone missing for a week now. At first she was concerned, but then realized this was probably for the best. "I wonder happened to him anyway?" Shrugging, she went back to reading her book.
5129251
O_o
5129380
Also, Scootaloo has one hell of a buck.
Huh. That almost got dark. But because it's a changeling, it's okay.
fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/044/f/7/love_starved_by_equestria_prevails-d5useqw.png
Anyway, my only problem is that ending. I need closure!
All in all, good fic, you get an upvote.
Funny and decently written, but downvoted because "Changelings Need Love Too."
...Just kiddin'! I up voted, but don't get me wrong, I was unhappy when you painted Changelings in a negative light, because I'm that much of a hyper fanboy.
5352279
Meh, two of my favorite stories are about good changelings. This short idea just needed somethin to at least partially relieve the shock of what just happened.
5353874
#ChangelingSwagOfAwesomeSauceness
Legend of Scootaloo: Accidental Rock Sniper.
You had me going there! I thought she killed somepony else. Bravo to you.
I liked it!
Don't need to identify adventurous. Also; common should be c'mon.
7034863
Thanks for catching those! I really appreciate it!
Yeah, this could be the start of an adventure fic... I'd read it.
What.
7034876 So would I TBH
I agree with the earlier commentators who said this felt more like a fraction of a larger whole than a standalone work. Nonetheless, it was certainly an enjoyable fraction!
Have a Thumps Up!
:)