(Un)lucky
"Hey girls!" Scootaloo cried from down the street.
Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were with their sisters in the market buying food. Rarity and Applejack were chatting. Actually, Applejack was giving Rarity a lecture on the foods that would help her "keep her form".
Their little sisters looked over to see Scootaloo zipping towards them on her scooter.
"Scootaloo!" Applebloom responded. "What's up?"
Sweetie belle turned away from the 'conversation' her sisters were having just in time to see Scootaloo skid to a stop in front of them, covering them in a cloud of dust.
"*cough!* Howdy, *cough!* ...little Scootaloo... *cough!*... Could you be a little more *cough!* careful? I think Rarity's about to have a fuss." Applejack pointed out as the dust settled to reveal a now light brown Rarity. Applejack let out a small chuckle.
Rarity's eyes were wide, and she was clearly straining to control herself in front of the girls. "Hello. Scootaloo." She said.
"Sorry, my fault", Scootaloo said all too quickly for Rarity's taste.
"We know", Rarity mumbled under her breath, to which Applejack responded with a simple glare.
"You'll never guess what idea I just had!" Scootaloo looked at Applebloom and Sweetie Belle.
Applebloom looked at Scootaloo suspiciously, "It's not like the last one is it?"
"Yeah, I didn't like that one." Sweetie belle said.
Scootaloo got defensive, "How was I supposed to know that the mud-hole was that deep?" She reached into a small bag that she had on her and pulled out a small object and held it up to Applebloom's face. "Do you know what this is?"
Applebloom looked at it, checking for anything strange. "It looks like it's just a rock."
"Not just any rock!" Scootaloo interjected.
"Then what kind of rock is it?" Sweetie Belle asked innocently?
Scootaloo looked them in the eye with her best adventurous face, and said, "I'll show you! C'mon!" With a flick, her scooter pointed in the opposite direction.
Out of habit, the three girls looked up to Applejack and Rarity, awaiting their verdict. Applejack and Rarity glanced at each other and their things, then turned back to the girls. "Y'all go right on ahead. Me an' Rarity here are gonna be a while."
"Sure... go ahead Sweetie... and I'm just going to go try to get this dirt out of my coat..." Rarity was almost hyperventilating by this point, having gotten a good look at herself during the conversation.
Applejack leaned down close to the three girls and whispered wink, "Y'all best get goin' quick, before she explodes."
The three girls chucked, and started on their way. "We'll be back soon!" Scootaloo called back, before revving up her wings and zipping back down the road.
Applejack turned to Rarity and gave another chuckle, "Calm yerself. Ain't nothin' bad happened. It's just a quick bath and you'll be spic 'n span again."
Rarity only responded with a glare, followed by a deep breath and a sigh. "Let's go before anypony else sees me like this."
============================
"Come on, Applebloom! You should be good at this. Don't you live on an apple buckin' farm?", Scootaloo teased.
"But mah sister doesn't let me buck the apples", Applebloom replied.
"You've gotta have some buckin' blood in ya!" Scootaloo placed a small rock on top of a tin can directly behind Applebloom. "You can do it! Try again!"
"Ah right then. Ah guess ah can try..."
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" chirped Sweetie Belle from behind them.
"Absolutely!", Scootaloo replied.
Applebloom swiftly pulled her leg in and kicked as hard as she could. The rock soared through the air, barreling towards an abandoned building at the end of the street. The rock made a satisfying thump almost 2 inches from a broken window. It had carved a large revealing chunk in the painted wood.
"So close!" Scootaloo gritted her teeth playfully. "My turn." she set another rock on the tin can, and prepared to buck.
"Just aim a little to the left..." Applebloom started framing with her hooves, as if searching for the perfect trajectory. Sweetie Belle sat a short distance back with a worried look on her face.
"I got this! I'm gonna buck those windows into next winter!" And with the swift kick of her hooves, the rock went flying straight up into the air, floating high above the roofline. Just as she looked up to see where it was going, a colorful streak zipped across the sky, colliding with the rock. A loud- CRACK! -reached the young fillies ears.
Sweetie Belle squealed. Applebloom gasped. And Scootaloo just stared, horrified, as a colorful blue pegasus smacked into the side of a building far behind them, falling to the ground like a sack just a moment later. The three girls froze in place, their eyes fixed on the consequences of their little game.
Scootaloo began shaking. "No... no nonononono..."
They scampered over to where the pegasus was lying. On the way over, they noticed a green glow emanating from the body.
"Wha...?"
Before Scootaloo could get another word out, a green wave passed over the pegasus on the ground, revealing the black corpse of a changeling. There was a neat little hole between it's eyes.
"Woah! Hey! What happened?", a familiar voice sounded over head. Rainbow Dash landed on the ground next to them, and stared in amazement. "I've been chasin' this spy all day. And you three girls actually got him? I'm impressed!"
Scootaloo exhaled. "I uh... I mean we uh..." She was too phased by what had just happened to claim the honor for the occurrence.
Rainbow Dash interrupted. "No time to talk kiddo. We gotta get you girls outta here, pronto! There's been an invasion." She got down low enough for them to jump on her back. "Hop on!"
They didn't hesitate, and scrambled onto Rainbow's back. Not a moment later, they were soaring over Ponyville. From high over the town, they could see that, not too far in the distance, an army was gathering...
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Starlight Shadow · 1.1k words · 66 11 · 2.4k views
- LightOfTriumph · 50k words · 73 12 · 1.7k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.13 seconds
Total duration
1,052 users online
1,720,075 hits today, 2,571,732 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Twist was alright, not amazing though. I would have much preferred Rainbow Dash to have died
I would have preferred some foreshadowing in regards to the twist, but it is well-written. Getting used to writing good twists will come with practice, so keep on writing. I still gave it an upvote, since, as I said, the prose was good.
4731501
The idea of this twist is the intensity of the schism between perfectly normal life, and suddenly horrific. The shock was part of it.
Normally, I would have had Applejack say something like, "Now be careful y'all! We don't need anypony gettin' hurt again!" to them as they left, but I decided against it for the purpose of shock.
I assure you, what I wrote was no accident.
4731527 I was a bit more concerned with the twist of the changeling, but I still think you did a good job with this story.
4731543
Ah I see.
Well, if it becomes popular enough, then I'll make a full story with a prologue introducing the changelings as they prepare for battle. It would eventually become an epic war story where the changelings come after the home of the ponies that defeated them before
4731558 A little development never hurts. If you want to write that in the future, go right ahead, and I'll be sure to read it.
Wow. That was unexpected.
I think I would've enjoyed this more had I not gone into it expecting a horror story.
4731747
Apologies. If I could have left it without tags, I would have. I also would have modified the description to be something a little more... tame, yet, intriguing.
Ironically enough, I was half expecting that stone to go through Rainbow's head. Such madness of having both mature filter on and reading "Dark" tagged stories...
Though it is amusing to see where one might be able to take Scootaloo's misbegotten actions and win an epic war versus the changelings.
I shall call her... General Bumbler!
4731752
Huh, I thought you could post a story without tags. I know that I've seen lag-less stories before.
Dang, that was good. I would very much like to see what happens at the Invasion.
And I only have two problems with the story.
Shouldn't it be Rarity giving the lecture?
And why is Ponyville being invaded?
4732557
My thought was that, while Rarity is the fashionista, she definitely isn't a farmer. This is where Applejack's knowledge of food would actually be something useful for Rarity.
I imagine that, when there isn't conflict or drama, the mane six get along by helping eachother, using the talents they have.
Still, no changelings-killer cutie mark?
It wasn't... bad. It was an alright read, I enjoyed it.
The twist was really unexpected. It was so unexpected though, that it didn't seem to flow with the rest of the story. I get what was going on, but with the pacing at the end, you're obviously setting up some form of sequel or series. Tip: Don't say you'll make a series out of this only if you get enough green thumbs. The way you set it up pretty much says there has to be a continuation, because leaving a one-shot like this on that ending will come off as weak otherwise. One-shots with a cliffhanger ending are well-thought out and executed so well that they work overall. There are great examples on this site, or plenty of films that do this. They work because they're well implemented.
But here, it doesn't work, because you're blatantly setting up some big story. And that's fine by itself, but don't say you'll do this series only on the provocative that you get enough upvotes. Either do it anyway, or change the ending so it fits the one-shot, otherwise if you don't end up doing this series, this one-shot comes off with a weak ending. It doesn't stand as a cliffhanger ending, because so much can happen regarding what you set up. So again, you should either do the series with whatever reception you've received here (it's pretty good so far), or, on the chance you drop the idea, change this ending. You can keep the twist, but get rid of the sequel bait. Only have the single Changeling in the vicinity of Ponyville or something, rather than an invasion, something simple like that. I can't come up with anything better off the top of my head.
But again, I enjoyed this. It was light-hearted and easy to pick up. A nice read, with a completely unexpected change at the end, but either revision or going on with the series idea should be executed. I'll give this a upvote, because I enjoyed this, and if you do this series, it may come out very interesting. It'd be nice to see what you could cook up. But it's down to you.
4733753 yeah, but- oh, I see.
4734141
I understand your concern, but this is the way I have to write. My most recent blog post explains what I'm doing and why. In summary, I have too many story ideas, and too little time. The one-offs that get more positive attention will receive priority of my writing time. So something like this, even though it is set up for continuation, likely won't be continued unless it receives enough attention by the time I finish my main story. Make sense?
Also, the ending of this little section, as it stands in this one-off scenario, acts more to justify the presence of the changeling than to give sequel bait.
I'd love this to be continued.
Twilight frowned, Stupid Doll had gone missing for a week now. At first she was concerned, but then realized this was probably for the best. "I wonder happened to him anyway?" Shrugging, she went back to reading her book.
5129251
O_o
5129380
Also, Scootaloo has one hell of a buck.
Huh. That almost got dark. But because it's a changeling, it's okay.
fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/044/f/7/love_starved_by_equestria_prevails-d5useqw.png
Anyway, my only problem is that ending. I need closure!
All in all, good fic, you get an upvote.
Funny and decently written, but downvoted because "Changelings Need Love Too."
...Just kiddin'! I up voted, but don't get me wrong, I was unhappy when you painted Changelings in a negative light, because I'm that much of a hyper fanboy.
5352279
Meh, two of my favorite stories are about good changelings. This short idea just needed somethin to at least partially relieve the shock of what just happened.
5353874
#ChangelingSwagOfAwesomeSauceness
Legend of Scootaloo: Accidental Rock Sniper.
You had me going there! I thought she killed somepony else. Bravo to you.
I liked it!
Don't need to identify adventurous. Also; common should be c'mon.
7034863
Thanks for catching those! I really appreciate it!
Yeah, this could be the start of an adventure fic... I'd read it.
What.
7034876 So would I TBH
I agree with the earlier commentators who said this felt more like a fraction of a larger whole than a standalone work. Nonetheless, it was certainly an enjoyable fraction!
Have a Thumps Up!
:)