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IndexOutOfBounds


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Tired of constantly having un-auspicious dreams, Rainbow Dash askes her best friend Twilight to cast a spell that allows them to dream anything they want. Rainbow chooses a dream of a fantasy medieval world in an adventure with her sweetheart Twilight.

on infinite hiatus

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 21 )

Ohhhh noooo...
Not another "Mane-Six-all-knew-eachother-as-foals" story.
How many times do I have to tell this fandom? Twilight didn't meet the others until the first episode!
Don't say it's an alternate universe, since you don't have that as a tag.
There are a gazillion other inconsistencies with actual canon, but I won't bring that up.
Actually, How 'bout an editor? I'm certainly open.

4737212 While I would agree, there is on itsy bitsy flaw in your logic THIS IS FANFICTION. We don't really give a damn about being consistent with source material, Au or not.

Hmmm..... I shall read this later, have a like until then.

4737251 You're right. I think it was the lack of an "Alternate Universe" that threw me on that tangent.
Actually, now I'm confused. Dashie is having a sleepover, is with her mom, but still has a job.When exactly does this take place?:rainbowhuh:

4737265 change in canon is okay plot holes aren't. I put this on my watch later list but maybe I should take a look now. :applejackunsure:

4737265
This takes place after the third season. Dashie works as a weather-mare from Monday to Saturday, her mom came to visit because it's summer vacation, and Twilight came over Sunday night.
If you would point out specific quotes from the story that are flawed, I'd be more happy to fix them.

4737309 Please make this clear IN THE STORY or you're gonna confuse the sh:yay:t out of more than a few readers.

4737251
Actually, as this is fanficiton, being fan-made fiction about something, I think we give a pretty big damn about the source material. At least I and others like me do. So when something decides to say "screw canon, I'm making a story!" without using previously mentioned AU tag, we tend to get pretty angry because, without the AU tag, we are lead to believe that it is inline with canon. There are people who specifically steer away from AU's, so an AU story without an AU tag tends to piss people off.

As for the story, I'll add to read later. Expect a comment when I have some free time.

4737367 Hmm true, but Au is usually reserved for when the story takes place in specifically another world or when the story has been I would say morphed into the form of another universe ergo all the Equestria girls stories, and all of our familiar characters are thrown into new roles. And true you could debate it's Au since the story takes place in Dash's dreams, but I don't think something such as the mane six meeting up as foals really qualifies, depending on how it's used. Like I said I haven't really read the story so I can't tell, but like I said it depends on how it's used.

4737425

Disclaimer; I have yet to read the story and am, at this point, going off comments only.

I'd say them meeting u as foals is a pretty big AU event. The entire canon universe revolves around the event of them meeting for the first time during the summer sun celebration and defeating Nightmare Moon, thus solidifying their new found friendship. When you go and mess up that big of an event, it becomes an alternate universe from the one the main story takes place.

The author has come on and explained why this is not alternate universe, and the description would lead me to believe it's not, so until i read it I can't say for sure if this in particular needs an AU tag, but any story where they meet as foals most certainly needs the tag, because in the canon universe the specifically met for the first time during the thousandth summer sun celebration. AU is when you change something from the canon universe. In the case of them meeting as children, you are changing when they first met, thus creating and alternate universe.

I would also like the request that, should you have a further argument to present, you do so over PM, as this discussion is no longer about this story in particular and is soon going to clutter up the comment's section with a discussion most people won't be particularly interested in.

4737581 Not necessarily their are lots of stories that get by just fine without it such as Fantasia's Winds of the Past, In Winds of the past Rainbow, after completing her Sonic Rainboom crash lands in Canterlot and ends up being taken care of by a young, reluctant, Twilight Sparkle. True, the story changes things up, but it still gives the feel that it could be canon, possibly because one or both of them forgot about the event.

And that's the type of story that doesn't really need an AU title, if it was something like Luna being the one to banish Celestia I'd totally agree, changing something like this doesn't really feel like it constitutes an AU title, even though it does make the major change of having the Mane six meet early.

So basically what I'm saying is if the change has created massive, and I mean massive, ripple affects then it constitutes an AU tag, but if it feels more like something that could fit into the canon, even it's only parts of it then I don't really think it needs one, otherwise every single last fanfiction would.

4737265 You don't need to stick an AU tag on any story that deviates even slightly from the canon. I'm pretty sure that's for stories that are VASTLY different than the regular MLP universe in a significant way. Slight changes in relationships between characters doesn't usually qualify for an AU tag; usually they have to be significant and a focus of the story.

4737581 Sorry 'bout the that. The characters aren't actually foals, I just thought they were since Dash's mom was present and they were having a sleepover. Index explained that it happens after Season 3.

4740440 Same thing. It, in fact, doesn't seem to deviate from canon at all, but I thought I did when I assumed the Mane 6 were foals since they were having a sleepover and Rainbow's mother was present. :derpyderp2:
I would have counted them meeting up as children to be AU tag worthy though...

4740695 It really depends on what meaning it has in the story, really. It's kind of subjective, to a point.

4737251

Honestly, it's precisely because it's fanfiction that you'd expect it to respect the source material. The whole "This is fanfiction so we don't have to do things like they did." logic always seemed extremely contradictory for me. Why would somebody specifically write about a certain world and characters if they're gonna change everything around? Shouldn't you just write something original?

I know it doesn't apply to this story, and that there's obviously a lot of leeway, especially if you're going for a "what if" kinda deal, but it's just a huge pet-peeve of mine. The point of fan fiction is writing about the things you're a fan of, "this is fanfiction, deal with it" always just sounds like an excuse when some change you did didn't work out too well.

Sorry for randomly ranting out, lol, you're probably not one of those people who take it to the extreme, but can't help but to say it when I'm reminded of it.

Erm, so just finished reading the first chapter here, and... you might first want to start by finding someone who'd be willing to preread/edit what you have so far and anything else you plan on writing. There're grammatical errors littered throughout the ~1,000 words here alone. Prereaders can also help make sure you have characters more in character than anything, and help make sure your pacing is adequate and your narrative more show than tell.

Second, this:

"No, they're the torches of the devil!" Applejack added. "天啊! Quick, run!"

Since when can Applejack speak Mandarin (or whichever language that is)? I mean, I can understand if that's a reference to something like Firefly where the characters have some Chinese sayings every now and then, but there's a fundamental difference between that and this fic. In shows like Firefly, there's an explanation for why people speak Mandarin. Here, in MLP, there's absolutely no rhyme or reason for why Applejack should have Chinese characters in her dialogue. If there is a reason, than this fic may require an AU tag, because it would then imply a universe that is starkly different from the in-show canon.

Third, the picture in your narrative. Just... no. There can sometimes be good reasons to include pictures into the narrative of a story, perhaps to indicate a scene break or to give a visual of what was just described. Alas, even then inserting a picture like that into the middle of the narrative simply breaks the reader's immersion, which ultimately makes for a story that's worse off. What you have done with the picture and the accompanying narrative comes across as just lazy writing. It says to me that you didn't want to bother describing Rainbow Dash flying towards something with Twilight Sparkle on her back and looking over her shoulder. And honestly? That's incredibly lazy and very unimpressive. It's not even a difficult scene to describe, and while you may have drawn inspiration from that picture for the scene, it's kind of insulting to the readers when it looks like you assume that we can't visualize an easily visualized scene of Rainbow flying with Twilight on her back. I might also add that the picture is entirely unfitting. Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle are costumed for whatever reason and flying towards an army for an epic battle. The picture is them, uncostumed (which you did point out to be fair), and Rainbow's smiling. Do you see the problem with that picture being used there, ignoring the fact that a picture shouldn't be used at all anywhere?

These have been my opinions from the first chapter alone, and I'm sad to say I'm not impressed. Everyone needs to start somewhere though, so I hope that you didn't take any of what I've said offensively as I've tried to only leave constructive criticism so that you can learn from mistakes made here and grow as a writer.

Second chapter reactions: for a story tagged as "adventure," these are really short chapters.

Also, this definitely needs an AU tag. Rainbow Dash living at home with her parents? And from the look of it the mane six knowing each other since they were foals? This is strikingly different from canon, and thus is needs an AU tag I feel.

I'm now going to expand on something I mentioned in my previous comment: characterization. I didn't go on about it much from reading chapter 1 because that was a dream chapter, so I forgave characters sounding awkward. Here, however, the lack of proper characterization is rather glaring. For example,

"This is too unfortunate!" Rainbow thought out loud.

Whenever you type up dialogue, ask yourself "Does this sound like the character I'm trying to write?" In this case, this sounds nothing like Rainbow Dash. The other characters have similar characterization problems that really ruin any immersion that I might have had with the story. I should also mention that everything about the characters feels... forced, wooden, stiff, unnatural. One or all of those. Try to expand more in the narrative about what's happening to create a smoother flow between what's happening and what the characters are saying, because right now it's mostly short bits of very awkward and forced dialogue that sound very little like the characters.

4744603 I have removed the mandarin and picture bits, since they're just easter eggs.
For this chapter I only caught some mis-use in present tense in the narration. Dialogue are kept in present tense, right? So if you say there are grammar errors throughout, please quote me example. I'd be happy to fix them.

Comment posted by IndexOutOfBounds deleted Feb 11th, 2015

4742903 Well i know this is over two weeks old, but here I go. Yes, most fanfiction is written because we love the source material. we loved the stories, characters, etc. But most if not all fanfiction is written because there's something about the source material, we didn't like, or we felt could have been better if this was added in.

We see these stories we love, and we go,, "this is awesome but how awesome would it be if [insert insanity here]" and the thing about changing a detail in a story is that it can have massive ripple effects, belovd heroes become detestable villains, romances bloom when the canon didn't even hint at it in the slightest and whatever the writer wants really. It can key word can, get to the point where the original story is somewhat unrecognizable. So yeah that's what I meant when i said we don't really care for source material, probably should have clarified more.:twilightblush:

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