• Member Since 12th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen Feb 15th, 2016

Kayes


I'm a student that loves to write fanfiction, an aspiring author, and an avid World of Warcraft gamer.

Sequels1

  • EStarfall
    It has been one year since the events of "Love Thy Night" and Twilight Sparkle is more than happy to be in her secretive relationship with Princess Luna. Princess Luna, on the other hand, has some date plans made for the night.
    Kayes · 4.6k words  ·  71  3 · 2.2k views
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Being called to Canterlot was unexpected for newer Princess of Friendship, Twilight Sparkle. When she and Luna have a few awkward moments of unspoken words left between them, and mixed signals, it will be on one of them to find out how to handle the situation of finding out that love can exist even when we don't expect it to harbor deep within our own hearts.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 19 )

Nice, Need One Sequel

Kayes #2 · Jul 19th, 2014 · · 1 ·

Perhaps if it gets over 50 likes, I will be tempted to write one. :) I want this one to take off at least though.

The sun warmly lit the coat of the slumbering unicorn

This is a good story, but it could be a great one. I would recommend you find an editor, preferably one who will fix your comma splices.

4716789 I will hold you to that sequel Kaye's :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

4718415

Twilight Sparkle fell asleep in the carriage ride, the sun was up and peaking down when they arrived in Canterlot, however, I see the mistake when I mentioned "unicorn" and not "alicorn".

Pretty nice story, I like the open ending.
But you need to proofread what you write, there's a lot of mistakes that could've been avoided like that. On top of that, you should try to use less words, there are many spots where the whole sentence feels forced because it has one too many adjectives, or it can even be redundant in its entirety.
Anyway, your storyline was nice, keep it up!

This feels like the first chapter of a much larger story instead of a one-shot. I bid you good author, to continue.

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For some reason i find it odd that all your comments have exactly one like and one dislike even as they are non hateful.:derpytongue2::derpyderp1::derpyderp2:

4722690
funny, maybe it's because someone doesn't like twiluna :ajsleepy: heck... no problem :pinkiehappy:

4724915 I guess haters will be haters, and sometimes not even copious amounts of love and tolerance can change that:applejackunsure:

daww that ending.

I don't understand this story. There's so much wrong with almost every level of this story.

First, Twilight has to leave her home in Ponyville for reasons? Probably should have had an alternate universe tag for all the inconsistencies this causes. Her friends don't see her off before her "new life," I'm sure they won't be upset about that at all.

Then she gets to Canterlot and gets promptly threatened by Celestia whom, despite trusting Twilight to saving Equestria, The Crystal Empire, and Celestia and Luna's own lives, doesn't seem to trust Twilight around her sister without a threat on her head.

Transition to dinner where Luna is speaking with the Royal Canterlot Voice despite having dropped it in in the recent season. Luna then glares angrily and treats Twilight like a stranger for no discernible reason.

Twilight finally visits Luna to clear the air. Upon seeing Twilight who seems upset, Luna nearly smiles at her in what I can only assume is taking pleasure in seeing Twilight in distress.

Luna listens to Twilight's pleas about how they have been talking with each other and how close they seem to have gotten and then Luna goes on to basically say, "I have no clue what you're talking about." Luna follows that up by basically saying that Twilight's friends are insignificant compared to her, despite them being very important to her powers as the princess of friendship. Sure would like to see Twilight go up against Applejack or Rainbow Dash in a test of physical capability. I think Luna would be shocked how well that would turn out

Finally, in what should be the final payoff, a cute and fluffy scene where they can be together, Luna simply wraps her wing around Twilight and says she loves her very much.

That's it. It might as well have been a black screen saying the end like an old school nes game.

The thing that really bugged me the most about this fic is that it was well written. Despite some typos, the moment to moment detail is great and puts me in the story. Too bad the out of character behavior and inexplicable choices story-wise drags me out and just makes me wonder what the intent was.

4761211

Picky, picky, and more picky. Do I need to explain this? First of all, several plot lines are based around Twilight Sparkle leaving Ponyville for reasons such as royal duties, training into becoming a full-fledged princess, and sometimes an emergency that requires the Elements of Harmony. If you would have read more closely, Celestia explains that Twilight Sparkle will be gone for a few weeks at most.

Following the threat that Celestia makes to Twilight, it is not some much of distrust but of an over protective sister behavior. Celestia, despite having to banish Princess Luna to the moon for the 1,000 years she was imprisoned, still plays a very protective big sister role to Luna. Celestia clearly trusts Twilight, as she is leaving her as a temporary ruler of Canterlot while she is away on "vacation".

The dinner follows pursuit of the way that Luna stares at Twilight, it doesn't mean she dislikes Twilight in the least. As shown later in the story, the two have become quite close. With each hour passing since Twilight's arrival to the castle, they have been almost like strangers. Think about it, you could spend hours talking to a person on Skype, email, or even webcam through Skype, but when you are faced with confronting your feeling in a face-to-face scenario, you are always going to be faced with a different outcome.

My version of Luna in this story is placed strictly around fanfiction. As much as fanfiction goes, there would hardly be a possibility that Celestia would leave Canterlot for a mere vacation, considering in the story itself she is entirely dedicated to being Equestria's primary ruler. My version of Luna, however, has yet to confront how to react. She uses the Royal Canterlot Voice in a concept of attention-grabbing, and something which she uses when faced with a situation where she feels smaller. Even though she has had power for a longer time and is much older than Twilight, Luna in this story has clearly not had much romantic attention. After being banished to the moon for a thousand years, being disowned by her subjects in the beginning of her return from her banishment and her saving from Nightmare Moon, she is very naive. Luna, as portrayed in this story, does not have an understanding of how to deal with romance.

While Twilight's friends are as much as an important role to her as Celestia and Luna are, if not more, you have to remember that Twilight shares her own crowning achievements separate from each and every one of them. While Rainbow Dash and Applejack have positions of power among the population of Ponyville and the Apple family, and a personal relationship with the princess, it still doesn't change that Twilight has a very important role with the princess over the rest. When the Elements of Harmony were trapped, Celestia entrusted Twilight to watch over the alicorn magic of Cadence, Luna, and herself. Without much help, Twilight defeated Tirek and saved her friends. It would take the entire group of the other 5 just to figure out what to do and make a plan in an attempt to save Twilight.

The story does not wrap up all ties because this is leaving room open for a sequel, as a few previous comments have been said, there could easily be a much larger story wrapped up from this. I thank you for the constructive comment, but perhaps this should clear some of the confusion up. :twilightblush:

4764521
Actually, that does clear up quite a few things. I think most of what I pointed out and you cleared up is just not conveyed extremely well.

The whole being in Canterlot for a few weeks thing probably should have been mentioned in the first scene. The way the first scene is written, it's as if she's leaving Ponyville for good. Sure Celestia tells her she would be ruling Equestria for a few weeks if not longer, but that didn't infer that she would be going back to Ponyville afterwards. After all, she was to be a princess in training, so it's reasonable to assume she might stay in Canterlot afterwards to continue training or whatever she might do.

Her heart yearned to stay where she knew she belong as a simple pony, but that life was over now.

^ this sentence is the culprit. It basically outright says her time in Ponyville is over. That's where the confusion came from.

The threat Celestia makes to Twilight could work, but the problem is, she never backs down or anything. Celestia being sick, and overprotective makes sense, but Twilight is still dear to her heart. She should probably apologize afterwards after seeing Twilight cower beneath her, or at least soften in some way.

Given the later explanations, the dinner scene now makes perfect sense. The problem then is that the latter scene doesn't .

If Luna is indeed inexperienced with love and she loves Twilight as much as she says she does, she too should soften when faced with a cowering Twilight.

has my words affected you so?” Her lips almost threatened to curl up into a sly smile,

First, has should be have. Secondly, she shouldn't almost smile. she was just discussing how her words may have upset Twilight. Nearly smiling at that point in time would denote pleasure or satisfaction at having upset Twilight. Her eyes might fall, or she might avoid eye contact, something that denotes neutrality or remorse.

You say Luna is inexperienced in love, but her words tell a different story.

I have not grown fond or close to many lovers, because I watched several of my closest friends pass away with our memories into the folds of time, piercing the veil of death only through my memories, and there are numerous ones to remember and recall. Each star in my sky is in a memory of a pony whom left an impact on me, a pony that has made me remember...”

This actually implies she has loved multiple ponies, but grew more distant over time. I could accept that, but she continues talking like an experienced lover. She never admits to being out of touch after so many years, nor does her shell truly soften.

“That love, Twilight Sparkle, is something I have felt for you and will continue to for the rest of time. All the stars in this galaxy, can not count the amount of love I have for you.”

This also implies that she is comfortable with love. As is, I think the best way to convey her inexperience would be to play to one of her strengths.

For instance, Luna says something to the effect of "forgive me, Twilight Sparkle. Come, look at this." and then she does something like... I dunno, all of the stars in the sky sparkle and shimmer, or she creates an aurora, or something else that would dazzle Twilightm and then she wraps her wing around her and says something like, "That is how bright your love shines for me." or something similar. Something that she could do that would take the place of mere words.

and lastly...

Without much help, Twilight defeated Tirek and saved her friends.

That could not be further from the truth. Her friends played equal roles in defeating Tirek. If they had missed even a single one of those keys, their victory would never have happened. As she said "together, I think we have to do this together." It was only possible through their actions over the entire season that they could unite and defeat Tirek without alicorn magic. Even Celestia said it best:

Princess Celestia: You are now Twilight Sparkle, the princess of friendship. But what is the princess of friendship without her friends?

All this being said, I look forward to seeing what a sequel might offer as Twiluna is a favorite ship of mine.

70 likes~sequel or riot!

The thought of her new duties sent fear into her heart, a sense of excitement made the blood in her veins to stop,"Are you prepared to depart, Princess Sparkle?"

There needs to be a space between the words stop, and "Are...

She could feel the briefest of tears begin to penetrate the corner of her eyes, but she quickly blinked them away and silently whispered,"Yes."

there needs to be a space between the words whispered, and "Yes."

While she bidded them farewell, she made her way over the draw bridge, and momentarily paused to turn and glance over the side and into the clear waters below.

this could probably also be While she bid them farewell, she made her way over the draw bridge, and momentarily paused to turn and glance over the side and into the clear waters below.

Stars surrounded the moon in the shape of a heart, a very odd sight that Twilight could of sworn she had never read about during her studies on stars themselves.

this should be Stars surrounded the moon in the shape of a heart, a very odd sight that Twilight could have sworn she had never read about during her studies on stars themselves.

Her eyes made contact with the with soft combination of purple and pink irises.

this should be Her eyes made contact with the soft combination of purple and pink irises.

The elder alicorn placed a comforting hoof upon her former pupil's shoulder, and tilted her head to the side."I

there should be a space between the words side, and "I

"There has been no threats of anyone attempting to pursue any damage to us, Twilight, but there is a more dire reason. I am becoming older now, and despite the factor that I am nearly immortal, my body still withers away from several centuries of stress of ruling an empire.

this should be "There have been no threats of anyone attempting to pursue any damage to us, Twilight, but there is a more dire reason. I am becoming older now, and despite the factor that I am nearly immortal, my body still withers away from several centuries of stress of ruling an empire.

Twilight nodded her head slowly, before bowing down before the elder princess."As

There should be a space between the words princess. and the word "As.

"I will openly assume that the silence means that it is a yes.."

there should only be one period after the word yes.

Luna seemed to have a remark or a tale to speak of about each major pony in Equestrian history, and the the young princess could listen to her speak all night about the places she’d been.

This should be Luna seemed to have a remark or a tale to speak of about each major pony in Equestrian history, and the young princess could listen to her speak all night about the places she’d been.

With a sudden urge of energy, Twilight Sparkle sat upright in her bed, throwing the sheets to the ground.

While I am less sure about this then I am about the rest of the grammatical/spelling errors that I have fixed for you, I am pretty sure that this should be With a sudden surge of energy, Twilight Sparkle sat upright in her bed, throwing the sheets to the ground.

I apologize I have done anything wrong, please send word when you get this letter.

While I am less sure about this then I am about the rest of the grammatical/spelling errors that I have fixed for you, I am pretty sure that this should be I apologize if I have done anything wrong, please send word when you get this letter.

Moments later, a familiar voice echoed to her in respond,”Enter!”

There needs to be a space between the words respond, and "Enter!"

The young sister turned her head over her shoulder, gazing coldly at the approaching princess.”Twilight

There needs to be a space between the words princess. and ”Twilight

Twilight shook her head, drawing slightly closer to the taller princess, her eyes searching her face,”No,

There needs to be a space between the words face, and ”No
The story's concept was a good one, but, in my opinion, the character's were not acting correctly, and the ending was rushed.
Sorry about this, but it has come to my attention via another's comment that there is another grammatical error. :raritycry: So very, very sorry that I didn't catch it sooner! :raritydespair: I promise that I will do better when it comes to the sequel! :rainbowdetermined2:

has my words affected you so?”

this should be: have my words affected you so?” The reason for this is because the word have is the past tense of the word has, and so therefore would make more sense as Luna is talking about words that she said in the past.

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