Somewhere in the USA. Probably older than you. And something about MLP:FIM makes me want to write stories. Unfortunately, being gainfully employed cuts into my writing time.
Jonathan Lockhart feels closer to his fellow fans than his friends and family. He knows magic isn't real, and there's no way he can journey into that fictional world, though that doesn't stop him from wishing. But then, much to his surprise, he falls through a portal. The outcome is not at all what he imagined.
With the help of some new friends, John has to figure out what happened, why it happened, and most importantly, how he can get home.
Set during Season Two.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Wow this is really good. It doesn't follow the overused plots that a lot of HiE stories have. The fact that there are other humans than just the main character is very interesting (Having them from different times makes it even better!).
The sentence structure you used is also very good. About how much preparation did you put into making this story?
I can't wait to see where this goes. Keep writing these and I would LOVE to keep on reading them.
So far, this story is a 10/10.
Good job so far. You've kept it entertaining and humorous. I really liked the opening misdirection on which fandom the protagonist was expecting. Makes me wonder if the other visitor was a fan of some other realm as well.
Certainly a new take on introducing humans to Equestria. Look forward to seeing more.
Will he be taken to Zecora to learn potion brewing? Will there be a roundup of strange pony visitors? Will Rainbow Dash get a chance to put that straight jacket on somepony? Enquiring minds want to know!
444106 For preparation, it started with the idea. So I know the ending, the who and why and how, but the journey to the end is still a work in progress.
445547 Oh nais. Well it is a great story, keep it up!
Well, this is a definitely different HiE where there's not only two humans, but one of them was brought to Equestria at the advent of the 80's. That should create an interesting cultural clash once the two former humans meet again. Or when and if more similarly displaced humans are discovered.
At first I was like:
Hm, looks like another of these mary-sueish stories, let's read the first chapter anyway...
Hey, well played, sir. Well played.
An then I was like:
I'll keep reading
Bum bum BUM.
More humans
448088 quite right good sir, I've been doing research in order to write my first story, and lets just say that this man's writing is another prime example of how to get things done around here.
True genius, if there's one thing I like, it's a good plot twist....... In writing terms that is.
448088 I have noticed a certain theme to HIE stories. So, of course, I wholeheartedly embraced them in writing that first chapter.
Twilight Sparkle looked very worried now. “Fluttershy, I’m here for you. I can help you. But you need to tell me, what’s going on?”
---You don't need the question mark at the end. Simple mistake easily made.
I will finish reading this after dinner. loving it so far!
Okay finished the chapter. This is definitely in my top 5 favorite incomplete stories. Something about it keeps on luring me back. You have a very good story going here, keep up the amazing work!
Then Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy described the dangers therein: hydras, sea serpents, cockatrices, giant death bears, and any number of other mythological creatures that were as real here as magic.
--- You have no idea how hard I laughed when I saw "Giant death bears". It was just so unexpected that it caught me off guard. Is that actually the name they use for them in the show? I don't recall ever hearing them say it before. I vote 'giant death bears' becomes canon!!
457716 To a human, I'd think a description of an Ursa Major would get remembered as a Giant Death Bear™.
457739 Still love the name. Did you fix that one error I found?
457794 The question mark is necessary for the inflection in the way the sentence is spoken. I changed the comma to a dash to make it clearer.
457716 hyperbole. Oh how funny art thou....
Good show I say, good show indeed. More wonderful writing to provide insight as to how one goes about producing a 'fanfic' as they call it.
Squeeee I can't help but try to figure out some pattern in their appearance. I love the plot; keep up the awesome story, mate!
They all fight stuff.
The end.
Have a pinkie:
t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTy9HL8dMRHslIJ4D25C42C7DDyfvPim7XEUGxPVjLpLjJm1SncDg
FIRST!!!
also lol
Ohshi-
FUCKING CLIFFHANGERS!!!! Gaahh1/@23%$@$T^#$
Agh... I must know what happens next! I must... I MUST... I MUST!!!
discord?
My story-o-meter is getting low.
526708 Some surprises are a little more obvious than others.
Heh, heh,
SEQUAL NAOW!
olololololol i seee the return of him to equestria
dun dun DUUUUN!!!
FIRST!!!
nice ending lead. kinda sad its ending though
In the words of M. Night Ponylon:
'What a tweest!'
-Tricondon
539980 There would need to be a new way to get there, and do you think he'd really want to go back?
541857 if he becomes a brony then you would think he'd want to go.
Ha take that discord.
I like how you didn't allow discord to have power. Though the ending was sad, it was well justified and that cupcake sounded really good.
Woowwww the ending is epic! Hoo boy if he tells the bronies his story he will be swarmed. Lol.
Great story and great ending. I liked how the story didn't last for like 100000 chapters like a lot of other stories did and you did a good job with the plot.
Keep up the awesome writing!
Chris Kirk... and he's a Star Trek fan...
Oh lawdy I see what you did there.
... You put in a Star Trek fan just so that he could make a comment about Q, didn't you? haha well played.
haha This was good. I enjoyed this, although I must admit I was kinda hoping that the humans would somehow meet up again. Of course, that isn't exactly plausible, but I can hope. This was a somewhat well done different take on the HiE genre in general, and I can only hope to see something else like this soon.
Now, for criticism... My complaints are that it was very short, and if I'm honest, seemed a little rushed. I can see why you made it short, but there wasn't much there in terms of the actual story. That was probably the point, to just make a story where the humans try to go home as soon as possible, but have to surmount an obstacle first. But, I mean, it was just a human who showed up in Equestria, and then went home after fighting Discord in a small battle. The other humans made it somewhat interesting, but to be frank, there wasn't enough written there to make the story. It felt, for lack of a better term, rushed. The conflict fell flat. There wasn't much to it. The conflict to the story was explained as Discord, yes? Well, Discord showed up for what, half a chapter? There wasn't much of a conflict to this, and to be honest, there didn't seem to be a point to it. So Discord failed because he was too arrogant, that's nothing new. Like I said, introducing other humans that are in the same boat, and from different time periods, was certainly a different and interesting turn of events. However, it wasn't focused on at all, really. You could have easily taken all the humans from the same time period and gotten the same results. What I'm trying to say here is that, when you put something new like that in there, it's nice if you actually focus on that thing that makes it different. In this it seemed like it was added on just for the sake of it being there. It would have been nice if you focused on that a little bit, you know? It was the defining part of the story, and yet it felt like it was just ... there.
Also, you gave hints at the beginning of the chapters to the other humans, but you could have also done chapters on them as well. You also could have elaborated on the towers. Just some stuff that could have made this better.
In any case, I enjoyed it, and I feel that it could have been made better by simply using what makes this story different to make it different, which sounds redundant, but you get the idea.
549184 I did want the story to be short. The story idea started with the idea "Here's your stereotypical HiE story character, with his dreadful life. He secretly wants to be in his favorite fictional world, and gets transported to Equestria. But wait! He's actually a fan of _____, not MLP:FIM!"
After some thought I had the idea that the blank would be filled in with "E. All of the Above", which led to the idea of who brought these people here and why. And that so happened to lend itself to a story where, once everyone figures out what's going on, they all agree they need to go home.
Yes, this story could have included chapters from the perspective of all the victims, but I chose the first person viewpoint. Thus, I limited the appearances of the other characters, outside of the narrator's viewpoint, to those introductory sections. A story told from multiple viewpoints would be interesting, but there you run the danger of making it too much like multiple different stories, all using the same take on the HiE trope.
Much respect for those writers who can write thousands of words a day. I'll gladly read your awesome writing! But I won't try to match your productivity.
549877
I'm not going to dispute the choice to keep it in first person, and for keeping it in first person it was done well. Now, knowing that the different time periods was not the original focus, it makes sense that it isn't as pronounced. However, that does not mean that you couldn't have stressed it a little more. I stand by my original point that you could have elaborated on that. For the original statement then, of a fan of a different series, you did well.
To be completely honest, I get the vibe that you just made up the conflict with Discord on the fly just so that the ending wasn't anticlimatic. And yet, it still felt lackluster. But then again, I'm somewhat picky when it comes to that.
And I myself have huge amounts of respect for writers who churn out thousands of words of good quality writing each day. I don't write myself though.
Heh, nice bait-and-switch.
Discord as a depository for pigeon droppings? Me likey.
Well-played indeed.
If What's-his-name is starting to feel Harry Potter withdrawal, Twilight might want to tell him about Star Swirl the Bearded.
That was pretty good.
And you know what that was, right?
The plot to "Friendship Is Magic: The Motion Picture."
Seriously, it's exactly what it felt like.
Satisfying. I liked it.
Dat last line.
we have been trolled
nice assumption ploy
can't let you do that Star Fox
those pigeons are in trouble if he ever gets out again
nice ending