A young unicorn finds himself deep in Everfree forest, with no recollection of how he got there or who he is. Determined to find some answers and with the help of his visions, he journeys out of the forest to Ponyville.
Is he really better off knowing his past? The journey of self discovery takes him above "just finding answers", but "fitting in", forging new friendships, making enemies and learning new things.
My first fan-fic, criticism is welcome! I'll use the advice to help me write the second chapter.
Credits to BreadKing for the picture.
http://breadking.deviantart.com/art/Everfree-Forest-Background-268961093
Chapters (2)
Hmm, i'm interested to see where this goes. Tracking...
Good start to the story, although i found an error:
"An apple fell of a branch and rolled into one of Wildwood’s hooves."
It should say off.
I give you five mustaches fine sir!
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Fixed.
Good spotting!
Glad I can help! Like the avatar, by the way!
Your 1st chapter wasn't too bad, nor grammarcally is your 2nd.
However it is full of plotholes and contradictions, plus needs more fillng out.
You have your OC stating he never in his life met Twi or Pinkie, yet later in the chapter its stated he's lost his memories, SO HOW does he know he's never met them before?
Then suddenly Wildwood is a foal, not an adult.
YET NO PONY HAS ASKED "where's your parents?" No pony talks about trying to find his parents or home. The hospital released a homeless foal? I can see that he might not remember them but that wouldn't stop Twilight or others from trying to find them.
Next you have given him a conveniently vacant home in the center of town, complete with his own personal servant to wait on him. Is he a foal or visiting royalty?
No orphanage, no foster home, no friendly resident willing to take in a lost homeless foal.
Plus you just refer to this servant as "a caretaker,' this MIGHT work if he never interacts at all with the caretaker at all.
But since he does the caretaker shoild have a name, moreover rasthaer than a vacant house, it should be a spare room in the house of the caretaker, how is clearly doing it out of the goodness of her heart and maybe a desire to have a foal.
Now most of the story reads mote like an out line rather than actual prose.
He went here.
He met whom.
State a commonly known fact that seems to have no bearing on the story.
It needs more action less telling (AKA show not tell), more dialogue, or a purpose for it being in you story. Going to the school makes sense since he is going to attend it, but the line about the Library? WHY? Do you think any MLP reader doesn't already know why Twilight lives in the library? Now if you had it as dialogue between Wildwood and Twilight, it would be much better.
Example:
"Oh wow, Miss Sparkle, you're awfully young to be a librarian." said WW, who always thought librarians had to look like dried up old nags.
"Actually, I'm still just a student, I just live in the library."
"WHY?" asked a shocked WW, who couldn't imagine any pony living in a library by choice.
It makes the story much more interesting to read.
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It seems that your post has given me a lot to think about, it's always nice to have your stories put from a different perspective.
Thank you for your feedback, I'll use it to help improve my stories.
A yay for you.
Hmm good job on this chapter, two questions though:
'Wildwood learnt that the Twilight lived in the Library so she could study and have her books within her reach.' I think it's 'learned' not learnt.
Twilight explained “Since you’re still a filly you’ll need to attend school while you stay at Ponyville.”
I thought it kept referring WildWood as a 'he', filly means baby female horse/pony. It would be 'colt'
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Hmm, after reading the feedback it seems that the second chapter needs a large rework.
Thank you for your feedback.