• Member Since 23rd Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen July 19th

Cloperella


Comments ( 115 )

NNNNNNNNNice. :raritywink:

My leg! My leg...

4713049
Oh my god, it hasn't even been up for two hours and someone already recognized it! Good eyes there. :rainbowlaugh:

I just noticed that dash almost has the colors of the German flag on her socks

Some points, if you please;

- too much info, alot of telling not showing.

- the sex is a tad scientific, try not to use anatomical terms when describing a person's body. It is really jarring and shorts out the rhythm of the narrative.

- The setting for the story is quite unrealistic but that is just a personal thing.

Otherwise, good show :)

I feel like exhibitionism and ENF are ludicrously underrepresented fetishes around these parts. Can we set the futa and incest aside for a little while and pander to a very hungry demographic? That all being said, Cloperella, I loved this fic and I hope you do more in the same vein. You will have a lifetime follower in me if you do.

Your amazing that was the best human appledash I have ever seen!!!!!!!!!!:heart::heart::rainbowdetermined2::ajsmug:

Ohoioioioioi!
Meow. :3
Nice thing.

Dragon:moustache:

4713393
There's not much exhibitionism because ponies are already naked, so it only really works with humanised or anthro.

wait...U HATE THE MOVIE EQUESTRIA GIRLS?:pinkiesad2:
THAT SUCKS...:fluttercry:

I'll be honest, this was my first impulse/knee-jerk reaction to seeing a EQG based fanfic on the featured box:
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw9001-ofn.JPG

But then I realized that you weren't anthroing them or trying to base it off any events at all of the movie as I read the description expecting such.
At which point I was like:
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw10587_medium.jpg

Against my better judgment, i decided to read the first few paragraphs and while your formating was not perfect, I couldn't help but keep reading.:twilightsmile:

The pacing was great, there was plenty of lead up, the plot was sound and believable, you captured each character's personality perfectly, and you didn't write less than 500 words before you got into the clop.(BIG PLUS there in my book btw):pinkiehappy:

Now onto the cloppy part:

You paced this perfectly. It wasn't too fast nor was it overly perverted or unbelievable. You wrote a situation that while most likely wouldn't ever happen, was COMPLETELY believable. I honestly could picture this happening quite easily because you wrote it so well. Your ability to capture their personalties didn't falter in the slightest as it commonly happens when people write these scenes which greatly impressed me.:pinkiehappy:

The ending was sweet, cute, and romantic. I personally love this part:

“Hey, Rainbow?” Applejack asked, her panting becoming lighter as she caught her breath.

“Yeah?”

“I, uh... I...” Applejack stared at Rainbow Dash intently, the words freezing in her mouth.

Rainbow Dash tilted her head in confusion. She looked at Applejack's mouth, and noticed her tongue pressed against the back of her upper teeth, as if she was trying to enunciate an “l” sound.

Oh, no no, Applejack, don't say it. Rainbow Dash pleaded internally. I may be fast, but I don't want to move that fast. Please, don't make this awkward.

Rainbow Dash felt her eyes staring intently at Applejack, waiting for her to utter the words trapped within her. Whether it was because Applejack could sense the fear in Rainbow Dash, or by a sense of luck, she closed her mouth and averted her eyes.

“You're... awesome, Rainbow Dash.” Applejack turned her eyes back towards her friend with a timid smile. “You're just, really awesome.”

That part just made me squee internally! It was obvious she was going to say "I love you" but...GAH! It's so hard to put it into words!(You can tell just how much I loved this story by how flustered I'm getting trying to put my emotions on this story into words!:rainbowlaugh:) The best way I can describe it is like this: "She had feelings for her too but she didn't want to jump head over heels into it." but that STILL doesn't even begin to cover it! DAMN! Why is describing this so hard?!XD:facehoof:

Over all, 10 out of 10! Liked,fav'd and following you!:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

Good Story, I loved it. :heart:

4713393
Yes! Oh my god, yes, we need more of those kinds of stories, even if you have to humanize the characters.

Bit of a silly thing here, but can you indicate if RD & AJ are eighteen somewhere, like synopsis or that it's their last year at Canterlot High in the fic? The site doesn't allow underage fics if they're humanized.

4714147

Our minimum age is 16, actually.

4713393
I love exhibitionism. It's very fun to see someone who's daring and comfortable with their body enough to expose themselves in such a way. I would love to do more stories like that if I could find the right ideas.


4713541
It was quite different writing about human sex. Many times I almost wrote hoof instead of hand. :twilightblush: Glad you liked it so much.


4713836
I'd rather not turn this comments section into a flame-war, but I just think that the movie takes a steaming dump on most of the characters in the movie. It makes Twilight seem like she has no respect for herself, her friends don't trust each other, Snips and Snails are evil instead of class clowns, things like that.
I'm not opposed to the idea of seeing high school representations of MLP characters, I just don't think the studios did it justice.

4713945
I remember when I talked about Scouse with my initial idea, I said I was nervous about doing an EQG story because I wasn't sure if I would be able to capture the essence of the movie properly. He said to me "honestly, your best bet is to get as far away from the movie as possible". So, pretty much the only thing that stays consistent with the movie is that they're human and go to Canterlot High.
Even though I love writing about sex and do experiment with fetishes, I never want that alone to sell my story. I feel like a lot of people can make a fic that just hits the fetish fuel wit a hammer, but that's not my style. I like to take the time to make something warm and fuzzy with most of my stories, because that's what I enjoy with sex. I'm kind of a pansy by nature, so I love all that lovey-dovey stuff.
Thank you so much for giving this story a chance against better judgement, not sure if I would have done that if I were in your shoes. :twilightsheepish: Glad you enjoyed it.


4714133
Next EQG story: Principal Celestia's LONG Story


4714280
So I'm good, right? Not in danger of this getting taken down? I really don't want this to get taken down, have I mentioned that? :twilightoops:

4714433

EDIT:

Was in the wrong here. We actually consider 18 to be age of consent. Sorry.

Generally, most of the FiM cast is considered "of age." So, unless stated otherwise, I'm going to consider them to be at least 18.

4714550
Sounds fair to me! :twilightsmile:

It's been a while since a read a mature AppleDash fic as good as this one. Moar please :rainbowwild:

This was surprisingly nice. Oddly tender in a way, which I liked a lot. I think this deserves a favorite.

I don't care much for AppleDash, but this was good.

4713287 What he said. Don't understand the downvoters, because that was very useful constructive criticism. :facehoof:

4715092
Maybe because it feels like there's not any substance behind the criticism. It's very cliche critiques, on the same level as "it's not you, it's me" kind of stuff.
I took the time to describe what was happening physically on the outside, and describe what it felt like for the person receiving it. I understand show vs. tell quite well, but this is a text story. In order to "show" I still have to "tell", just with more detail. If I were to do anymore "showing" then this would be a picture, not a story.

As far as scientific terms go, yes I get that some people don't like it, but I like to use those kind of terms more than crude terms like cunt (in fact, I try to use pussy very sparingly). Otherwise, I'm just going to keep using the same terms over and over again, and it's just going to get boring.

I can over look the fact that this was an EQ Girls story because of the good quality, but I must ask where the update to Love Measured in Scales is.

4715546
Probably in development with Half-Life 3 at this point

4714433

I don't often read stories with "sex for sex's sake". They tend to be underdeveloped, poorly-written, boring, the sex usually isn't written particularly well, and it generally doesn't arouse me in any way, be it intellectually or physically. That being said, this story pulled it off pretty well, and at least tried to do it differently. There was a hint of "first-time awkwardness" which wasn't played up too much, which was nice. We can probably both assume that RD and AJ are both frequent pioneers of self-pleasure, but are both still virgins, and awkward in each other's presences.

The only thing that I felt I truly had a problem with was the fact that Rainbow Dash stripped on the soccer field in front of God and everyone. I mean, I know that she's narcissistic to a fault, but while I think she may have ditched her vest and skirt, and possibly her shirt, she would've kept the rest. You could still have had plenty of sexiness going on for AJ's benefit with a soaked-through bra and sport shorts. Perhaps have her hose herself off a bit. I just feel like the premise was a bit unbelievable.

(inb4 "criticizing porn for its plot" -1)

Overall, it's a nitpick that's all I have. As far as erotica goes, this was well-done. I know it's still "sex for sex's sake", but I really can't level that criticism against this area of writing, now can I? Those two may want to be more careful in the future where they sex it up, however. If they'd made it rain much more, so to speak, they would've killed the soccer field. :rainbowwild:

...Okay, I'll leave.

Happy writing!
-TUC

4715615
Yup, that's definitely what I wanted to imply. I didn't want to explicitly say that neither of them had ever had sex before in their lives because that would be limiting (and unnecessary for the story) but I did want to make it clear that before this point, they had never shared themselves with someone else the way they were at that moment. So yeah, it might be easier to assume they're virgins who know their own bodies, which can prepare them for knowing how to pleasure another woman.

As far as underwear vs. fully nude while playing, that's a fair point. My proofreader karrakaz suggested the same thing, that she keep her underwear on until AJ makes her appearance. But I really really really into exhibitionism (being naked in public and doing things like being naked isn't an issue), so I was relying on suspension of disbelief for that factor. I just love the idea of Dash completely naked except for her boots with a foot standing on top of her soccer ball and a confident smirk on her face, and I had to put that in there.

Thanks for reading and giving some extensive feedback. :twilightsmile:

4715665

I will go anywhere and do anything for well-written AppleDash!

...but I won't do that. [/meatloaf]

I dislike EG/anthro and ain't a huge fan of all clops

*sees appledash, looks shiftily behind self, clicks le favorate*

But somehow I like this. I don't even know xD

4715770
not sure how you found your way here, but glad you did, and happy that you like something new!

4715133

Apologies for that. Please allow me to clarify;

On my first point;
the part where you described rainbow getting ready for school was too detailed, and kind of unecessary. all that you wrote could be summarised in a single paragraph or replaced with words to describe rainbow's feelings instead of actions. For example, you could have wrote

'she threw on whatever that was lying on the floor and did not smell like cheese' when describing her getting dressed

Or

'Did I soap myself?" Rainbow asked as struggled to both scrub her teeth and wash her hair with one hand; "yes i did soap myself, ah who cares I'm late!!' To describe her bathing scene when she was getting ready for school.

Instead of listing down every little thing she did to get ready, brushed her teeth, put on her bra, etc...

it failed to bring across a sense of urgency to the story, it did not make me think 'oh no! Dash is late!'. But rather 'oh she lathered her breasts, thats good hygiene, sometimes its easy to forget to wash the undersides'

So in this sense, you wrote a checklist of what rainbow does to get ready for school instead of showing 'rainbow dash is late, if she is late she gets in trouble so she can't be late' and her thoughts about it.

4716286
See, now that's a valid point. Karra did suggest that I take the shower scene out, and I could see how it was unnecessary, but I would have had to rework the prior and following paragraph to accomodate the change; I hate to say it so bluntly, but I just felt lazy and wanted to keep it in there for that reason, plus I also liked imagining Dash with water pouring over her.
So yeah, I can see why that would clog up the beginning of the story, there's nothing wrong with pointing that out.

4716317

I think you misunderstood my intentions. I did not mean anything bad when I first commented, its just that I was afraid that the comment would be too long hence I summarized it to the salient points. I did not mean to nitpick for the sake of nitpicking or just to be mean.

I'm sorry again, if I had caused any misunderstanding.

4716503
Nah, I think I would rather take a lengthy critique over a short one with little substance. When people say things like "show don't tell", it doesn't really mean anything unless you back it up with a specific way to do that, otherwise you're essentially telling them "just be better".
I'm not angry, just try to keep that in mind from now on. :twilightsmile:

Ah, this isn't feedback on the story sorry, but I recognise my vector on the cover there. I'm fine with you using it, I just prefer to be notified. Sorry if you did, I just can't locate any messages asking for this to be used on FIMfiction.

4716975
I did not initially see a source when I found this image on derpibooru, but if you could please send me a link to your page where you posted the vector (either reply to this comment or send it to me in a PM, doesn't matter) then I would be glad to credit you

4716975
Oh, never mind, I see it now. Sorry about that!

4714767 I second that part. Moar plz author.

*spots fic*
*is appledash so instant read later*
*looks to see if anyone is watching*
*reads*
*instant like and fav*

Well done on the story and feature.

Was a rather nice read, although the one nit pick I have is you went with the whole AJ's family and their views on homosexuality.
Other than that I thoroughly enjoyed it and would like to see more. :rainbowkiss::heart::ajsmug:

4717276
Yeah, I kind of felt compelled to do that, it always makes a more compelling (in my mind) coming out story when there's some mention of hostility. But I made sure (or tried to) make sure that I didn't explicitly state "AJ's family hate gay people" I just wanted that to be something they're unfamiliar with. Glad you liked it other than that, thank you for reading.

4715555 ah, Vaulve-ian time

4717366
I understand where you are coming from about needing a bit of hostility to make it seem more realistic but from what I have seen it is used quite alot.

As for the not explicitly stating how they feel about it and how you mentioned AJ was a bit confused about it, keeping in mind what you said, leaves it open to something they could tolerate the relationship, but not like it because it goes against what they got taught kind of thing.

As I said other than that though I thoroughly enjoyed it and hope to see more.

4717392
I would like to think that if Dash were ever going to say to AJ's family they were in a relationship, they would have no qualms over it after digesting it for a day, if they didn't accept it immediately. I wouldn't want to write them as total bigots. :twilightsmile:

4717406 Feel free to write how you see fit but with what you said about them in the story I would have the family tolerate the relationship but that is only me.

Now on the hand back to appledash :heart:

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