• Member Since 25th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen January 5th

Bulbasaur


Who, me? I'm just your run-of-the-mill user of FimFiction! No exceptional stories here. I think I hear my word processor calling. Sorry, gotta go!

T
Source

For Twilight, it'’s a simple matter of meeting Rainbow Dash'’s parents, literally Rainbows and Sunshine. For Dash, it'’s slightly more complicated…...

For all the places she’'s been, Dash still hasn’'t found home.

Written for Bassie/Surry's 2nd Twidash Contest.

Proofread by my beautiful girlfriend.

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 11 )

7th like, I'm lucky! Why do I have an obsession with 7 other than my birthday is quite literally 1/7th

Overall, I enjoyed this story.

I think the criticism that Rainbow's relatives gave her came a little too quickly. It didn't have much weight behind it, and I'm not sure why Rainbow reacted so strongly to it. I'm hardly a master of Asian culture, so there might be a good reason for it and I'm just missing something.

The extended section in italics in Part VII was a little confusing. They're supposed to be Twilight's thoughts, right? Twilight wasn't even in some of them. Twilight wasn't even there for some of them, like the bit with Rainbow's house in Cloudsdale.

This was still a fun read. I liked the prank Rainbow pulled on Twilight, making her ask for directions like that. Good luck in the contest!

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

I wish you'd done the underlined translation thing in the first chapter. :/

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

God, Rainbow's parents are assholes. No wonder she hasn't seen them for seven years. That's pretty much all I got out of this. :/

4705287 Thanks for the comment, and good luck to you too!

No, part VII was also supposed to be Dash's thoughts.

4705287 The reason Rainbow reacted so strongly is that you don't compliment people on how well they speak their own native language -- they're treating her like a foreigner.

Some random thoughts - right after I express that I liked the story :twilightsmile:

I liked the world building, and wouldn't have minded more of that :rainbowdetermined2:

Dash's parents complaining about how she could do better was a bit odd. I can totally see that exact dialog work if Dash was male (because we all know that the most important thing a dear son needs in a girlfriend is good looks, duh - whereas for a daughter it may be desirable that her partner is clever, rich, or successful, which in this case would apply to Twilight). But in this case the "you could do better... than a princess" kinda missed the mark for me. I think focussing on "but she's a girl!!111eleven!" could have worked better here.

I rather liked the italicized section and didn't mind that it was a tad confusing (confusing thoughts are confusing after all), but I think it would have benefitted from some sort of scene separation - some of these thoughts are one-liners, and for those the single linebreaks work fine; but some are multi-paragraph scenes, so every new line made me wonder "am I still in the same scene?" It wasn't hard to follow in the end, but better formatting might be good [/anal retentive rant] :twilightsheepish:

Good luck in the contest :rainbowdetermined2:

4733729

Hey there, 'Reisser (I can call you that, right?)

First off, thank you for your review of my contest story.

In response to your first thoughts: in fact, the story was drawn from two separate real-life things. One, of course, was the trip to China, but the second was my dad's criticism of my girlfriend. So if you could see the conversation happening if Dash were male, then there's the reason for that :twilightblush: Of course, I sort of sensed that it wouldn't hold up entirely on its own, so I made that as an ancillary cover-up to the "but but but lesbians" argument. Unfortunately, that evidently didn't quite work.

As for your last thought, the italicized section wasn't actually supposed to be confusing. Scene breaks were indicated like...

... this. This was an attempt to make it kinematic and less stop-py, but I guess it sort of turned belly-up into the morass it currently is. I suppose I shouldn't ask you for advice on how to change it so that it's still kinematic but less confusingly so until the contest is over, so when it is, could you point me in the right direction?

Thanks so much for your gentle review. I could learn a lot from you in terms of your reviewing style. I'll get around to reading your work soon.

Kindest regards, and the best of luck :twilightsmile:

--Bulbasaur

4733800
'Reisser is definitely new - but sure, why not :twilightsmile: (I've also been called Possen, Possie, elpossie and I think some other things around here :twilightoops: )

In response to your first thoughts: in fact, the story was drawn from two separate real-life things. One, of course, was the trip to China, but the second was my dad's criticism of my girlfriend. So if you could see the conversation happening if Dash were male, then there's the reason for that

I had a slight suspicion that that particular scene was one of the "real" bits of the story :twilightsmile: I can see how that poses certain conflicts of "staying true to the real incident" vs. "da story".

As for your last thought, the italicized section wasn't actually supposed to be confusing. Scene breaks were indicated like...

... this.

Heh, seems I confused myself with the flashback part. What I thought to be one-liners was in fact Zecora speaking, and I just failed to catch up on the "..:" quickly enough. So um, it may be reader's ignorance :twilightblush:

I do think though that just an additional blank line between scenes would make it more obvious, like this:

Twilight sat across from her mentor, sipping a steaming cup of jasmine tea in one of the Castle's many gardens. One pony observed the other with a smile; the other gazed above her cup of tea, eyes wide with admiration.

“Princess,” Twilight asked. “Where did you grow up?”

“When I was young, I grew up alongside Cadence, in the Crystal Empire; I ruled that land for quite some time. But that is no longer my home, my little pony. Home, now… home for me is…”



… “The fair land of Equestria, miss” said Zecora. “I’m grateful for your apology, and hope in time you’ll get to know me. Zebri’s the land of my parents, yes, but I was born in Canterlot, I confess.”

“That’s cool,” said Rainbow Dash. “I know what you’re going through, and I know it sucks.”

“Went through, I say, but now that you’re here, I’ll hold onto Ponyville dear.”

“Great!” said Dash. “So on behalf of everyone in town…”

Doesn't break the smooth transition too badly (IMHO), yet still makes it obvious "dude, new scene here" :twilightsmile:

We need more foreign dash fics, like this one.

Rainbow from Asia?



headcanon accepted:pinkiehappy:

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