Mmm... Thinking of anything wrong with this story...

...

Nope, nothing seemed wrong to me. It's pretty good XD

Not bad, but it could use some editing.

If you use a dialogue tag, you need to punctuate the dialogue with a comma instead of a period—question and exclamation marks are unaffected. Also, the word on the other side isn't capitalized unless it's a proper noun. If it helps, treat the dialogue and the "whoever said" as the same sentence.

Incorrect: "I like pie." He said.
Correct: "I like pie," he said.

Incorrect: "I love pie!" He said.
Correct: "I love pie!" he said.

If an action tag is used, the dialogue's punctuation is unaffected.

Incorrect: "I like pie," he stuffed his face.
Correct: "I like pie." He stuffed his face.

Other than that, there were several awkwardly worded phrases, a few verb tense errors, and most of the sentence structure was repetitive and choppy. The mistakes were pretty mild compared to some of the stuff I've seen—for starters, there's no LUS and only a little saidism use.

4834408 Thanks for the review. I eventually reread my chapters in full "grammar nazi mode" eventually, so thanks for pointing out my weakest points. I'll definitely work to improve them. And thanks for helping me become a better author!

Okay. I just finished the first chapter, and here's what I have to say.

It's not that bad. In fact, I'd say it's good, but not extremely so. There quite a few grammatical errors, but nothing too serious. Your setup was excellent, and the pacing of this chapter seemed to be on point as well.

One thing I will say though is that there are a few parts where I know you're trying to transition by using the large space between paragraphs. However, some readers may not be able to notice that, and that will confuse them. My suggestion is to use a horizontal break to show that these two parts are separate from each other.

God, she is adorable.

Also, while that last comment made me chuckle, it also made me wary. Some people are not very fond of human/pony shipping, myself being one of them. Very few times have I found one that is well written and sensible. Keep this in mind if that's what you're aiming towards.

But if not...bonus points for the funny sentence.