• Member Since 11th Jul, 2014
  • offline last seen Sep 8th, 2017

EntropicIrony


Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.

E

As I said, please bare with me. I really do have no idea what I'm doing. Also, if you see any mistakes, don't hesitate to tell me.

For the first time in his life, Discord is feeling remorse, and it's going to take a pretty unusual somepony to cheer him up.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 17 )

You reached out for help, so I'll do my best to help you here.

My first impression of the story is this: the story is great, but it has the wrong tag. I would classify this as a slice of life piece, especially because the themes that could have classified the story as sad were left unexplored. Your description could also use some work. It's vague, uninteresting, and is in the wrong order. Generally, people don't really care about the author, and they want to get to the meat of the story as fast as possible. Considering this, you should switch the order of your paragraphs. The people that don't care can stop reading once they get to your message, and those that do would have ended up reading the rest of the description anyway. Also, I would recommend taking out the note at the bottom. The absence of a romance tag should clue your readers in to a lack of romance. (However, because people are lazy, there are a ton of improperly tagged stories. So there is definitely some merit to writing a note like this.)

Now, onto the story itself! The biggest issue with this story is something that I encounter a lot: confusing wording and/or writing too much into a sentence. Let's take a look at this sentence: "To the Draconequus’ surprise, Luna was suddenly at his side, her mane and tail glistening like a million tiny stars upon the background of a dark nights’ sky – such was her name." The problem with a sentence like this is structural. The reader is led down a descriptive path that seems irrelevant, and then it connects to something earlier in the sentence. This is jarring and confusing to the reader, which is something that you want to avoid at all costs. Also, the idea that you based your entire fanfiction upon is not explored in enough detail to really do it justice. There's so much potential here that is just wasted. The last main issue of this fic is the pacing, which is too slow. There is too much irrelevant detail, and the paragraphs and sentences are generally too long, which is bad for both pacing and general readability. This issue is amplified by the sentence structure, which caused confusion for me as a reader.

However, this story isn't all problems. I felt that the characterization of Luna was pretty spot on. Although the idea wasn't explored as fully as it could have been, it still feels like something that discord would have to deal with after the events of the finale.


P.S. Are you sure you're new to this? most of the issues with this fic are related to polish, and you have the basics of writing down pat.

P.P.S. Sorry if this comment came off as a bit hostile at points, the comment was deleted sentences from completion, and I had to re-write everything. As you can imagine, it made me a little bit pissed.

4686778 (Idk if I clicked the right button, but I tried)

Thank you for correcting me about the tags. I wasn't exactly sure about that one, but I that knew that "sad" wasn't right.

As for my description - I haven't made one in years, so I'm really out of practice there. :twilightblush: Is this update better? If you have any better suggestions, I'm all ears. :derpyderp1:

As for the writing itself - I'm well aware I just go on and on (I do it aloud too) and it's one thing I do that I've never been able to help (it's a long story - no pun intended, lol) :twilightblush: I have been getting better at it, but as you can see, it needs practice (Doesn't help that my thoughts are pretty scattered too :facehoof:)
I'll keep that in mind for my next story, but with this one I think I'll keep it as it is... Mostly because I'm lazy and partly because it'll go under the 1000 word minimum if I change it.

I find that ironic that I was so good at Luna, considering I've only ever seen one episode with her in it, and I had no idea if I was even close. :rainbowlaugh: But I really am glad I managed to get her so spot on. :twilightsmile:

The fandom, and trying to post on this site - yes. Writing itself - for my age, yes. Storytelling - not on your life.

Oh I hate that a lot! :flutterrage: But it's okay, I didn't really notice too much. :twilightsmile:

As you can tell, I'm not exactly good at explaining things, and I can be confusing. :twilightblush: But thank you so much for taking the time to explain, and I'll keep that in mind for my next story. :derpytongue2:

This is really nice! Ever since the finale, I've been reading stuff like this and I have to disagree with I HV NO FEAR in that it was funny and, while a bit fast, is overall a great story.

4687517 Thank you so much. :twilightsmile: I'm really glad you liked my story.

Well, I´ll go first with the bad parts and then the good ones, alright? Alright. It´s not like you can answer :pinkiehappy:
One of the main problems with this fanfic are the description at some points. I mean, it is so obvious and unnecessary! Unless you are fully convinced that you are having and absolute original idea, don´t describe it as though we don´t know it. The other problem is the length. I saw much more potential in this story and it is a pity it lasted so little. Bedsides, the ending felt a little rushed.
Now, the good points:
Generally speaking, the fanfic is really good. Hardly any spelling mistakes, good structure, great characterization of the protagonists, interesting reasoning... Not bad at all. I just wished it had been longer. I feel that the best one shots are those with at least 3000 words or such. But nice job!

By the way; I´ve found a picture which immediately reminded me of your story: http://unorthodoxsocks.deviantart.com/art/Games-no-Fun-468614952

4710208 That picture is so my story, lol...

4707903 I have been told I tend to describe a lot more than I should :applejackunsure: so I'll keep an eye on that. I'm used to writing stories for my OCs, so I generally do describe everything - but thanks for the heads up. :pinkiehappy: Next time, I'll be sure to explain only the essentials. (Or at least try :twilightsheepish:)
As for the length - I'm actually happily surprised that people are saying there should be more. :twilightsmile: If I ever do redo it again, I'll remember to lengthen it, but as far as I know, that's the finished version. :derpytongue2:
Ah yes, the endings. I must admit, that's where I really fall short. :fluttershysad: I've never been a good person for endings, :facehoof: so I know where you're coming from. Most of my work is - reluctantly - pretty lacking in the ending department, but I have been trying to improve. :twilightsmile:
What did I spell wrong? Tell me and I'll fix it. (I'm from another country so typing in American spelling is difficult for me)
As for the characters - I'm honestly surprised I managed Luna. I've never really had anything to go by on her, so I'm really happy she came out canonical. :raritystarry:
Finally, the reasoning - I just love getting in characters' heads to decipher their meaning behind their actions. (Believe me when I say I could go into detail for hours about characters :rainbowlaugh:)

Lastly - thank you so much for reading my story, and I'm glad you enjoyed it :pinkiehappy:

4712786 I am the least indicated person to tell you which mistakes there are, since English is not my native language, but I think I´ve seen one somewhere the beginning, but I am not sure. And by the way; it is always a pleasure!

4714025 Oh, think you could tell me what it is? ... Also, I'm kind of curious. What is your native language?

4744524 Spanish, but not the one from your neighbors from the south. :derpytongue2:

4745087 I'm not actually from America (hence why my spelling may be a little off) so you wouldn't be my neighbor down south... Unless you lived in Antarctica. :rainbowlaugh:

Fides Ipsum.

4757339 Perhaps I live in Antartica :pinkiecrazy:



Oh, wait, I already said Spanish. Damn it.

4760597 Spanish Antarctican? :rainbowlaugh:

Harm she made the night last a little longer than usual. She would have done it forever but she was banished before she could. She became a boogeyman to most ponies.

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