Wet Dreams

by totallynotabrony

Chapter 6

The large ship approached. I saw tiny figures moving along the deck. They were bipedal. A rope was thrown across and Twilight secured it. Two men, yes men, slid across on the rope and came to rest on the deck.

“Hey guys,” I said. “How’s it going?”

The looked at each other and one of them spoke in a language I didn’t recognize. Judging by his expression, it was probably something along the lines of Dude, did that pony just talk?

I was temporarily stunned by the language barrier. After finding that ponies, griffons, dragons, and everything else spoke English, it was a bit of a shock.

One of the men suddenly drew a samurai sword and sliced the rope holding the boats together. His companion seemed irate and pulled out his own weapon. They commenced to duel.

“Well that’s…weird,” I said. “You’re both weird!” I shouted.

“Popcorn?” asked Pinkie.

“Thanks.” I took the bag from her and munched away while watching the two guys go at it.

“I don’t understand what’s going on,” said Twilight, her eye twitching. “I don’t like it when I don’t understand.”

“I figure this is just a dream,” I said. I clopped a hoof against my head and found that it didn’t hurt.

“Cool.” I wandered over to the crate of apples. I picked one up and tossed it towards the flurry of swordplay. It came hurtling back, neatly sliced. I giggled.

Beside me, Applejack was chomping apple after apple. “Think maybe you should slow down?” I asked.

“Buck you! I can eat all these apples!” she shouted.

I shrugged. “If you’re sure.” I turned to survey the rest of the ship.

Rarity was turning slowly in front of a campfire she had built on deck. It seemed like she was getting nicely browned.

Fluttershy was attempting to start a chainsaw that had appeared out of nowhere. I wondered what she was going to do with it.

Twilight’s facial tic continued to get worse, and she had begun to grind her teeth.

Pinkie continued eating popcorn, only now she was doing it out of Rainbow’s skull. I hadn’t noticed when the switch had occurred.

“Ooooookay, this is turning out just a little weirder than I wanted,” I said. “Can we go back to watching the swordfight now?”

None of them appeared to hear me. Fluttershy got the chainsaw started and began hacking and slashing indiscriminately. Rarity appeared to have caught fire. Applejack was lying comatose on the deck, stomach stretched out. Twilight seemed to be constructing some kind of satanic summoning circle. Pinkie continued eating, watching the show.

I jumped overboard. If it was a dream, I figured it would be okay if I died. I didn’t plan on the water being suspiciously wet and hard to breathe.

Oh my, I’ve made a terrible mistake, I thought, or words to that effect. I became aware of a pounding on my chest and suddenly found myself being given CPR in the middle of a thunderstorm. The drowning feeling had apparently been caused by rain going down my nose as I lay on my back.

Unfortunately, as a side effect of having my life saved, I found myself eye-to-eye with Twilight, her lips on mine. I sat up and slugged her in the face as hard as I could.

“Yep, he’s back,” I heard Spike say.

I got up, but couldn’t hold my balance and nearly went overboard for real. My head hurt, I was disoriented, and the rest of my body didn’t seem to be cooperating.

“What happened!” I shouted, perhaps a bit too loudly.

“Now calm down, sugarcube,” said Applejack. “You just had a little, well, a big little accident. You need to calm down before your skull splits wide open.”

I dropped to my rump, feeling my head. It didn’t seem to be the right shape. Luckily, my dizziness appeared aligned just right to actually be canceling out the motion of the ship.

“The mast tried to crack your noggin like a walnut,” said Pinkie. “Bad mast!”

The broken mast apologized for nothing.

“This kind of sucks,” I said. “We’ve just lost a whole bunch of sail power, not to mention the mast is also a significant structural component of the ship. The storm is only getting worse, Twilight’s out cold, nobody’s steering the ship, and I’m in so much pain it feels like my brain is trying to escape.”

“What are you saying, dear?” asked Rarity.

“We’ll be dead soon.”

They all gasped, except for Twilight, who lay motionless, hopefully drowning on rain.

“Well, I know what’s going to happen to me,” I said. “I'm going straight to Hell. Who's joining me? We can be Hell-mates together.”

“N-no, that can’t be true!” said Fluttershy.

“You’re so adorable when you’re naïve.”

“There’s gotta be somethin’ we can do!” shouted Applejack.

I raised my head. “How about we crash on those big rocks over there?”

They all turned to follow my gaze. As usual, Rainbow had failed to spot land, and we were now quite near. The wave action was only bringing us closer.

I suddenly realized that if we could hold the ship fast to the rocks, at the very least it wouldn’t be repeatedly slammed against them. It wasn’t a perfect solution, but at this point I didn’t give a shit.

Wobbling, I picked up a thick rope in my mouth. One end was fastened securely to the deck. As the ship got closer to shore, I managed to climb a short distance into the rigging. There was a notch between two rocks that might hold the rope if I could get it in there.

Carefully timing the waves, I waited until the right moment and launched myself across the gap. The rope trailed out behind me just as I had expected it to, catching the indentation on the rocks like I hoped.

The slack went out of the rope, and the sudden change in direction rattled my teeth. I found myself speeding back towards the rocks, face-first.

I like to think that if the rope wasn’t in my mouth, I would have said something heroic.

Comments

[Telly Vision]

this one was really short

[Relevant Heavy Metal]

Death Before The Mast - Alestorm

The real question is when I'm going to run out of Alestorm songs to post.

[CluelessBrony]

I would be hell-mates with Valiant. That would make hell so much better.

[Deathpony]

lol this is perfect dude

[Super_Big_Mac]

544923 You can join me in my condo! I have a nice, four-bedroom condo with unlimited access to the lava pools across the street, and there's a Burned and Banned Library!

[Magatsu Orpheus]

Twilight and Valiant sitting on a boat, K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes shiptease, then the cockblock, then I sing this song some more 'cause it's annoying!

[Thegodhand]

Poor Twilight. Best pony gets so much abuse from Valiant