• Published 28th Apr 2012
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Wet Dreams - totallynotabrony



Exploring ponyworld with a crazy captain

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Chapter 1

This is a spinoff of my story, A Dream. It's not required reading.


Wet Dreams

“Wake up, Valiant.”

“Screw you, Twilight," I replied.

She sighed. “I’ve got a letter from the Princess. I think you’ll want to hear this.”

"All right, fine." I climbed out of bed. Or rather, shuffled myself off of the couch located on the ground floor of the library. Twilight, my purple unicorn roommate, stood there holding a letter in the glow of her magic. She began reading.

Dear Twilight,

Since the incident with the Changelings is now over, Equestria appears to be entering a period of relative calm. There is little need for the Elements of Harmony in such peaceful times, so I’d like to ask you and the other Element Bearers to embark on a trip around the globe to spread friendship from Equestria to all nations. Please meet me in Canterlot for futher details.

You might as well invite Valiant along since we both know he would find a way to attach himself to the project anyway.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

“She knows me too well,” I said.

Twilight gave me an annoyed look. “Just don’t cause any trouble, all right? While you were asleep, I got us tickets on the next train.”

“Boring. I could fly us there.”

“This is not the time for one of your crazy contraptions, Valiant.”

“Hey now, I thought we’d agreed that I'm not crazy, just from another universe.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. She seemed to do that every time I reminded her of the fact that I wasn’t supposed to be a pony. “We should be going if we’re going to catch the train,” she said.

We found Spike, Twilight’s young dragon assistant, and headed for the train station.

“We’re going on a trip around the world?” said Spike excitedly.

“It sure sounds that way,” confirmed Twilight. “I can’t wait! There will be so much to explore! So much to learn!”

“And if we find any unclaimed territory, that would be pretty cool, too,” I said.

“I don’t know if we’ll do that,” she said.

“What, you’ve never had a primal urge to run up on some beach, plant a flag and shout, ‘first’?”

Twilight shook her head and did not respond.

I glanced around as we walked. Ponyville was nice this time of year, I supposed. When I was new in town, I got a lot of looks. None of the residents had ever seen a hood ornament cutie mark before.

These days, they mostly left me alone. Twilight once told me that about half the town thought I was a harmless lunatic and the rest assumed that I was an out-of-work mad scientist. With the steam powered robots I had built, I would have thought the distinction was pretty clear-cut.

At the station, a pony named Applejack waited for us. She was a more mellow shade of orange than I, and had a straight blonde mane that contrasted with my unkempt black. She also talked like a hick, but that was okay. Some of my best friends from Earth were rednecks.

Next to show up was Rainbow Dash, a multicolored pegasus. I’d had a long-running grudge against her, mostly because I thought she was a bitch.

With her was Pinkie Pie, whose name fit her perfectly. She was pink and liked to bake, sometimes even pies. She was also a lesbian, but had sworn me to secrecy.

After Pinkie came Fluttershy. She was usually as easy to push around as a falling leaf, but her pale yellow coat and pink mane concealed the fact that she was capable of violence when it suited her.

Last to arrive, as usual, was Rarity, the local fashion expert. Her blue-purple mane was elegantly styled, and her white coat was perfectly groomed. She’d probably spent two hours that morning making it so.

Twilight gave a little motivational speech and we got on the train. I went back to sleep, waking up in Canterlot later. I discovered that I was hoofcuffed to my seat.

“Well, that’s unusual,” I said, or more profane words to that effect. The rest of the ponies had gotten off and I was alone in the train car.

I looked out the window and saw Rainbow and Pinkie waving to me. I sighed. This must be one of their pranks. The sad part was, it wasn't the worst thing they had ever done.

The train attendant came by. “It looks like you’re in a little bit of a predicament.”

“You might say that,” I agreed.

“That’ll be fifteen bits for the trip to Manehattan,” he said.

“Bite me.”

Well, that was one way to get out of the cuffs. I was thrown off the train before it left the city limits.

I got to my hooves and dusted myself off. While I didn’t want to miss an audience with the Princess, I acknowledged the fact that it would probably turn into a political argument. This whole deity-ruler thing needed to be replaced by a nice warm helping of democracy, but nobody would listen to me. We'd been down this road before and it usually ended with me locked in a dungeon. Getting stuck on the train was probably a good thing.

For a dictator, Celestia was pretty cool, though. They didn't have the internet in Equestria, but I knew a fellow troll when I met one.

After being thrown off the train, I didn't know where exactly I had ended up. Luckily the castle was the tallest building in the city so I had no problem finding my way there. I got distracted by the donut shop across the street, though, and that’s where Twilight and the others found me later.

“What did I miss?” I asked.

“First off, we’ll be aboard a ship,” said Twilight. “The Princess provided us with one.”

“Oh my God, an around-the-world cruise? This is amazing.” I clapped my hooves together with joy.

“We all have a list of jobs to do,” said Twilight. “Rarity with her cloth experience will be in charge of the sails and rigging.”

“Wait,” I interrupted. “This is a sailboat? You’ve got steam trains, why not steam ships?”

“We'll be traveling in unknown territory and we don’t know where we could get more fuel. A sailboat doesn’t need any," she said.

Twilight examined a list and went on. “Applejack will be doing carpentry and deck work. Pinkie will be the cook. Fluttershy will act as the doctor. Rainbow will be the lookout. Spike is in charge of communications.” She finished, “And I’m doing both science and diplomacy.”

“What about me?” I asked.

“Shall we tell him?” said Rarity.

“Yes, we should,” said Twilight. “The fact is, Valiant, you aren’t really qualified for anything else."

"I could be the Awesomeness Officer."

"Got it covered," said Rainbow.

I glared at her. "You know very well that my brand of awesome is less flashy but a lot more useful than yours."

The multicolored pegasus shrugged. Twilight said, "Valiant, your job will pretty much be to steer the ship in a straight line.”

“So I’m basically the Captain here?”

“I wouldn’t say that,” said Twilight.

“But you told me that the rest of you have specialized jobs.”

They looked at each other. Twilight sighed. “Fine, you’re the Captain.”

“Awesome!” I frowned. “Wait, my pet bird is already named Captain. I guess that means I’m…a Commodore. Yeah, I like the sound of that.”

“What about Admiral?” asked Applejack.

“I’m too modest to promote myself to Admiral. At least not until we get another couple of ships to sail in our fleet.”

“Yeah, modest,” said Twilight. “Anyway, the ship is waiting for us in the Fillydelphia Naval Yard. Once we get there, it’s all ours.”

We made a trip back to Ponyville to collect our belongings. I figured that since we were going to be gone for so long, I had probably better take my bird with me. Back when Rainbow was looking for a pet, she'd gathered a whole crowd of animals. I'd adopted the falcon. While Captain was not much good for anything, I looked pretty badass with him perched on my shoulder.

I also took along a selection of parts and gadgets from my collection. The various devices and vehicles that I'd assembled had awed and alarmed the townsfolk, and they seemed to be glad that I was leaving for a while.

Once we got to the Fillydelphia Naval Yard, a sailor showed us to where the ship was docked. I hadn’t counted on it being so…crappy.

I had no idea why Equestria even needed a navy, but the sailor pony told me they had a long, proud history. I decided that this was either their very first ship, or one that had been wrecked a couple of times.

When I asked what the name of the shambling pile of timbers was, the sailor shrugged. “Nopony knows. It’s been moored there as long as any of us can remember."

I had my doubts that the ship was salvageable. My proposal of "put it out of its misery" was rejected, however.

Twilight was somewhat more optimistic. “It’s a chance to really get to know the vessel. While we repair it, we’ll come to intimately know how it works and become more in harmony with its quirks.”

“You’ve been reading too many ‘period’ romance novels,” I said.

“Well, none of us know anything about sailing,” Rarity pointed out. “This gives us more time to learn.”

“Nothing about sailing? Not one single thing?” I stared at them all. “I know Celestia trusts you and all of you really want to go on this voyage, but if we set sail on this rickety thing without any experience we’re all going to die.”

“Afraid of water, huh?” said Applejack. “It’s all right, Valiant, you can admit it.”

“That’s not what I said!”

“Nopony as awesome as me would let anything bad happen,” said Rainbow.

“Statistically, there is a small increase in the percentage of injuries while on a ship,” said Fluttershy quietly.

“Is that bad?” asked Spike.

“Everything is all right! We’ll have a ship-fixing party!” shouted Pinkie. “The whole Navy Yard is invited!”

Well, at least the influx of shipyard workers got the hard work done for us. When they left that night, filled with cake and punch, only some minor painting and finish work was left to do. It would probably take the six mares, Spike, and I another day to complete everything.

“This is so exciting! I can’t wait!” said Twilight. I really wished she’d shut up so I could sleep.

“Let’s see...okay! I’ve finished making the checklist for tomorrow.”

“What are we going to name this ship?” asked Rarity. “A vessel should have a proper name.”

Twilight thought about it for a minute. “I suppose we should think about that. I’ll pass around a piece of paper to collect suggestions.”

Spike was already tucked in for the night, but the rest of us wrote down our thoughts. When the paper was finished, it read:

Ocean Magic

Strong and True

Awesometastic

Compassion

Diamond Seas

Giggles

America, F**K Yeah

“Uh, maybe we should think about this again tomorow," said Twilight.

Fresh matresses had been laid on the bunks, but everything still smelled like mildew and rot. I got comfortable and closed my eyes. I was suddenly unsure if I really wanted to go on this trip.

In the morning, I woke up to water lapping at the bottom of my bed. I glanced out the porthole, somehow not surprised that the hull had sprung a leak overnight.

"Twilight! This boat sucks!"

Startled by my shout, she jerked awake and fell in the water. I sighed and waded over to help her up.

"I don't understand!" she said. "We did all that work!"

"Just admit defeat and get us a new ship."

"No." Twilight set her jaw in determination. "The Princess gave us this one. I'm going to make her proud."

I facehoofed. It was going to be a long, wet day.

Author note:
Let's have a little naming contest for the ship. Leave a comment stating what you would like it to be. You don't have to stick to the Twilight's list, it can be anything. I'll pick through the suggestions and have the next chapter out in a couple of days. Thanks for reading!