Twilight Sparkle's Not-So-Secret Shipfic Folder
For the thirty-fifth time in a row, Spike awoke to the sound of a quill scratching on parchment. As with the thirty-four mornings previous, Celestia had not yet raised the sun. I can't believe she's writing again, Spike thought. I wonder what she's writing, anyway... He tossed his blanket aside and crawled from his basket.
Twilight Sparkle sat amidst a sea of scrolls—some rolled up and covered in ink blotches, others unblemished—and wrote by candlelight. As her magic guided the quill, her tail swished back and forth like the pendulum of a grandfather clock. She was oblivious to Spike's approach, completely absorbed in her own little world.
Spike pulled a scroll from the top of the pile and, with a glance back to make sure he had not been spotted, returned to his basket, grabbing his discarded blanket on the way. Instead of trying to go back to sleep like usual, he curled up and began to read the scroll by the flickering light of Twilight’s candle.
What kind of letters is she writing to Princess—oh. His jaw dropped. Holy Celestia... It was not a checklist or some letter to the Princess. It was a story—the kind of story he never thought he would see Twilight write. The story's title read, Rainbow Dash x Me Shipfic Number Forty-Two. It started off innocently enough, with Twilight and Rainbow Dash going to the park for a picnic. But once they reached a tall oak, any notion they had of eating had been long forgotten.
Spike's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates as he read a detailed description of Twilight and Rainbow kissing under the tree's shade. Fireworks exploded in a shower of stars overhead. I didn't know ponies kissed like that, he thought, noticing Twilight's writing becoming sloppier by the sentence. He gave up after reading three paragraphs that consisted solely of descriptions of their tongues interacting.
He shuddered and rolled the scroll back up. Wait a second. I wonder... He slinked back to the stack of scrolls and grabbed three more. The first one was almost the same as the last, only this time it was Applejack instead of Rainbow. The next featured Rainbow again, but this time they were making out in the middle of a cloud fort Rainbow had built. Spike was gagging by the time he was halfway through the third and final scroll, which was about Twilight and Rarity tongue wrestling in a pile of silks in Carousel Boutique.
I can't believe she'd want to take Rarity from me! Spike was about to make a third run to Twilight's scrolls, but she finally decided to call it quits and gathered them up with her magic. Spike kept the four he had pilfered in the basket and covered himself with the blanket. He kept one eye open to see where Twilight stuffed them before snapping it shut again. Twilight blew out the candle and, judging by the sound of her hooves clopping softly on the wooden floor, went off to bed.
Remembering the Ponyville Biannual Flea Market that afternoon, Spike hatched a plan. Once or twice is one thing, but this has to stop. Enough is enough. I think it's time she learned a lesson... He giggled himself to sleep.
* * *
Spike made sure to wake up when the sun had properly risen. Twilight tended to sleep in after a long night, so he knew he was safe. Her snores—accompanied by soft neighs—filled the air. He retrieved a bag from downstairs and went to the scrolls' hiding place. Let's take a look here. He skimmed a few of the scrolls. They were the same type of story as the other four.
Pulling a face, Spike stuffed the bag full of them, completely cleaning out the cubby where they were stored. This'll teach her to keep me up at all hours of the night and write about Rarity like that! He shouldered the sack and crept downstairs, careful not to wake Twilight on his way out. As soon as he had left the library, he bolted toward Ponyville's high street.
The flea market had already begun. Many stalls were occupied: Pinkie Pie had laid out an enormous selection of baked goods; Applejack had set up a stand of—what else?—apples; Roseluck's stand boasted an assortment of flowers; and Scootaloo had an assortment of Rainbow Dash merchandise for sale, including wigs, rub-on cutie marks, and plastic wings.
“Hey, Spike!” said Pinkie, hopping through the gap between her pastries and the top of her stand. “What's in the bag? Selling stuff this year?”
“Sure am.” Spike rubbed his hands together. “I've got something extra special. Would you mind helping me with my stand?”
“Sure!” Pinkie stretched her foreleg just beyond the edge of Spike's peripheral vision. A moment later, it snapped back like a rubber band, her hoof holding a bucket of paint with two paintbrushes.
She and Spike began work immediately. Spike painted the banner with red and white stripes while Pinkie put little white stars everywhere. When they were finished, Spike wrote “Twilight Sparkle's Secret Shipfic Folder” in lavender paint.
“This'll make a few bits,” he said, digging a handful of scrolls from the bag and placing them on the stand. “Thanks, Pinkie.”
“Not a problem!” She began to bounce away, but stopped. “Hey, wait a minute. What's a shipfic?”
Spike clapped his forehead with a palm. “You don't wanna know. Trust me. You don't wanna know... uh, unless you want to buy one, that is.”
Pinkie shrugged. “Eh, maybe after I clean out some of my wares. La, la, la, la, laaa!” She bounced back to her stand.
The stand had not been open for five minutes before Fluttershy shuffled up. She shifted her hooves for nearly a full minute before she asked, “Um, Spike? What's a shipfic?”
“Gimme ten bits, and you'll find out.” He held out an open palm.
Fluttershy hesitated a moment before reaching into her saddlebags and producing ten bits. Spike counted them and handed her a scroll. She unraveled it and began reading on the spot. “Oh... oh my...” Her cheeks went rosy by the time she was halfway through it. “This is so horrible! Who would write something like that?”
Spike shrugged.
Despite her protests, Fluttershy finished the scroll. “Okay, that was weird... and disgusting. Is there more?”
“Ten bits each.”
Fluttershy purchased half a dozen more scrolls before she was satisfied. Her muzzle was buried deep in one as she walked off, giggling, with her wings unfurled. Spike made almost twenty more sales before Twilight entered the flea market, rubbing sleep from her eyes.
Spike grinned. Now here's where things get interesting.
Twilight's eyes bulged when she saw Spike's stand. Her wings flared, and she galloped toward him. “Spike! What in the name of Celestia is the meaning of this?”
“You were keeping me up every night with all that writing. Seriously, I haven't had a good night's sleep in over a month, so I thought—”
Twilight pawed at her face. “You thought you'd ruin me! You didn't sell any, did you?”
Spike nodded.
A vein pulsed near Twilight's temple. “How many did you sell?”
“At least a couple dozen.”
“A couple dozen?” A puff of steam escaped her nostrils. She loosed a long, agonized scream. “Spike, you've gotta help me get them back. Nopony must know my secret!”
“Uh, Twilight? Half of Ponyville probably knows by now. Look, it's for your own good. I mean, have you read any of them?” Spike started packing the scrolls into the bag. With everypony staring at them, there was no way he could make another sale now. Still, he had more than enough money to buy quite a haul of sapphires. I think I'll eat 'em in the middle of the night. Then she'll know how it feels.
“I'm gonna make you give them back by any means necessary!” Twilight screamed again and vanished in a magenta flash. Everypony babbled amongst themselves as they went back to their shopping.
Ho boy, Spike thought. Last time she was this nuts, she totally lost it and cast a spell that made everypony fall in love with her old doll.
Spike had just slung the bag, now considerably lighter, over his shoulder when Twilight reappeared. Only she was not alone. She rode atop a manticore.
“Spike!” she yelled. “Return my shipfics!”
“Yikes! You weren't kidding!” Spike ran as fast as he could, and the manticore, with Twilight riding it, belted after him. How did she even get it to obey her, anyway? He dared steal a glance behind him. Magic surrounded Twilight's horn and its head. Oh, of course. She's controlling its mind!
“Spike, when I catch you, I'm taking my shipfics back; then, we're going to everypony you sold them to and giving them a refund!”
Ponyville whizzed by as Spike fled down its cobbled streets, attracting the stare of the townsponies as he bolted past. Many screamed when they saw the manticore, but it ignored them and kept up its pursuit.
Ah, ha! Now's my chance. Spike took a tight left turn and ran down a narrow alley. There was no way the manticore could fit. He had begun slowing down, feeling that the danger was over, but Twilight appeared in front of him. Her horn sparked with magic.
“Give. Me. My. Shipfics!” she said through gritted teeth.
“Nuh-uh!” Spike spun on his heels to run, but found his only escape route cut off by the manticore. “Uh, oh...”
“Now I've got you!” Twilight pointed her horn at him.
“I just wanna ask you something,” said Spike.
Twilight narrowed her eyes. “Oh? What's that?”
“Did any of these happen to be about... Princess Celestia?”
Twilight vehemently shook her head.
But Spike saw a slight tinge of magenta on her cheeks. “No? Well, I guess she won't mind if I do... this!” He opened his mouth and shot his green flames at the bag, which flew toward Canterlot as a cloud of sparkling smoke.
Twilight's legs gave way beneath her, and her spell faded. The manticore roared and stomped toward the centre of Ponyville. Spike fervently hoped Fluttershy was close enough to prevent it from doing any real damage.
“Spike... how could you?” Twilight's voice had lost its edge.
“Aw, cheer up, Twilight. Don't get too upset. So you wrote a bunch of creepy schlock. Who cares? It's a good laugh.” Spike folded his arms. “Besides, I haven't had a good night's sleep in almost a month! You write really loudly when you write those things.”
Twilight gave a long groan.
Spike patted her head. “I'm sure this'll all blow over in a week or so. There's nothing to worry—” He burped a jet of green flame. With it came a letter. He caught it in the air and opened it. Spike read it silently, and fell to the ground, overcome with violent fits of laughter.
Twilight sprang to her hooves and stared at the innocent-looking parchment with dread. “What does it say, Spike? What does it say?”
Once Spike calmed down, he sat up, cleared his throat, and opened the letter. “Dear Twilight. I didn't know you felt that way about me... and everypony else, for that matter. Your presence is requested in Canterlot Castle immediately. And since you like them so much, please bring some bananas and whipped cream. Yours, Princess Celestia.”
Twilight buried her head in her hooves and moaned.
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First.
Oh, wait, it got third.
All of my yes!
Gary's done it again.
I look at this and think "What the hell topped this to get second and first?"
At least I got third as well
4715043
This is the winner.
I had 22 laughs reading this... welp, thanks for that.
Very amusing, good sir.
Hehe, that was great.
Was Twilight lying when she said none were about Celestia?
Omg I died at Celestia's letter! Good fic, how did this not get first?
4715043 I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE
Yes! That's what that purple cunt gets!
With her bad hairline!
Amazing, just amazing
BEST. GAME. EVER!!
Well, I'm not entirely happy with the implications of the ending... but what the heck, have a thumbs-up.
wow
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png
Welcome to fanfiction, Fluttershy. Enjoy your stay.
A bit cruel and over-the-top for both Spike and Twilight, but still enjoyable. Thank you for it.
Oh that was sooo funny! I was laughing all the way to the end.
Oh that's very good. That bit at the end gave the impression that all the long drop lavatories of the world had been emptied over Twilight's mildly insane features.
Here it is again.
Yes, this is distinctly different from the raw draft. An improvement, though.
I noticed only one small error:
Should be "thirty-fourth" time in a row.
Iron Author?
I wish to know more lol
Classic, man. Best line I've read this week.
4716101
The sad part is, this is a direct quote from my Swedish friend (said on many occasions) after I linked her... eh... racy material. The concerns you raised are a big reason why I got third and not higher. I did my best to fix them for the Fimfic version, but it appears I was not entirely successful.
4716060
Yay! Thank you!
4715709
Maybe Celestia just wants to eat some bananas and whipped cream with her! It's up to your imagination!
4715696
Can't wait to drunk play it at Bronycon with you!
4715264
I lost a couple marks (I think) for not implementing the three "ingredients" as well as I could have, and Spike was unnaturally cruel (OOC issue). The unedited version is what was graded (2 hour time limit and all that), not this one, where I tried to correct those issues. The other two writers were worthy opponents; I linked the winning fic here, and the other was a strong literary piece.
My final score (averaged three reviewers) was 21.33 out of 25. The highest score was 21.66. I believe the scores were used to create a shortlist, whereupon Xepher, Horizon, and Pen Stroke picked the top three.
4715256
Yes, she was.
4714999
Meanyface.
4715021 4715064 4715135 4715238 4715304 4715536 4715945 4716122 4716200 4716294
Thanks very much, guys!
4716204
This is the thirty-fifth time this has happened, and the same paragraph says thirty-four previous mornings. Isn't the way I have it correct?
4716237
It was one of the writing track events. The author's note outlines most of it. It was held at the convention itself, so you had to write the story in the room it was held in on an electronic device or pen and paper. They hold one every year, and this was the first time I've had a laptop, so the first time I've entered. There were some very heavy-hitters there, so I'm shocked that I made top three.
4716585
Um... Yeah, you can blame that on me. In an effort to make a joke, I missed that you'd already made the same joke and appropriately followed it up.
4716585
proof positive that you, yourself, are a heavy hitting author
Yessssss..
That was incredible dood. I personally enjoyed the spike vs twilight shenanigans
.
.^^
It was short and sweet and teaches a wonderful lesson on focusing on your surroundings, Overall I enjoyed the fic and congratulations
SEQUEL!
Given as that was pretty much the equivalent of reading someone's diary, not liking what was in it, and then getting revenge over said diary they weren't supposed to read, as well as the fact Spike never once just asked Twilight to be a little quieter, I find that Spike comes off as a MASSIVE dick in this story
One a dese days, Spike, one a dese days, POW, SMACK, RIGHT TO DA MOON!
Just like Luna
Great story though.
And Fluttershy's part was gold.
4715386
My nigga!
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw2472_medium.jpg
This was funny! I can totally see how it placed in the Iron Author Competition.
In all seriousness It was funny. But then again It was really messed up that Spike did that so......
gifsec.com/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/03/It-aint-funny-GIF.gif
Wow. That is pretty hilarious, but amazingly mortifying as well. Poor Twi!
Wow, Spike's a shitty piece of shit ain't he?
For anyone that has not played the game your missing one of the best things to come out of the fandom...
Sequel!!!
So. Damm. Funny. Laughing. Ass. Off.
Celestia sure is kinky dough...
4717367
wHere was that in the fic?
4715290 SO DID I
I...can't...stop...smiling from laughter...I like it.
Back on top eh, grats on the box.
4717367
Wazz good?
Ha! That'll teach you, Twilight!
Teach you to... write stories for your own purposes in your own home in your free time?
Huh. Well, whatever. At least Fluttershy seemed to like them.
LOL Bananas and whipped cream, huh? I'd seriously like to see a sequel to this story.
Gary Motherbucking Oak.
On the one hand, Spike was an absolute sack of shit in this story.
On the other hand, Fluttershy's and Celestia's reactions were hilarious.
So thumbs up, but perhaps next time, try not to veer so far off character for Spike...
Ah! I love this!
Wow, this is a rare fic that I actually really didn't like.
Normally, I avoid stories I don't think I'll like so as not to waste my time and the author's. But I came into this expecting a funny story that would be an enjoyable portrayal of Twilight and Spike's character in an awkward situation. But instead, I was greeted by a Spike that was so far out of character I couldn't stand it.
I understand about creative liberties and such, so I'll end my rant here. But, I don't know, it just kind of left a bad taste in my mouth.