A lone pegasus mare seeks adventure out in the great world but ends up caught in a much smaller cage than in any nightmare. How does one cope with a new life in imprisonment?
*Will contain victimization, abuse and sexual themes*
Chapters (9)
- Member Since 10th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen May 11th, 2023
Ravenpuff
Puffysaurus Fangirlus, Danish fan artist who dabbles in a bit of writing now and again.
Ravenpuff
Joined 10th Jul, 2014 ·
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Looks like a good start, but I would work a little bit on the formatting. With spaces between the paragraphs, and such. Also you forgot to indent the first paragraph of each section.
Like this:
Pretty good first chapter, though it might be good idea to give the pegasus a description.
4686451
The description is planned to be added through the story, since it's told through her perspective and we rarely think out loud about our own looks unless comparing ourselves to others. It'll come.
4686419
I actually had been wondering if I should had added that extra space like in the way most fics are written, unsure what people prefered the most. But yeah, it does make it more pleasing to the eyes and easier to keep track of what lines and paragraphs you got to. Fixed that.
hmm interesting
Unexpectedly is what I think you were going for there.
I would advise you to use a few more contractions. Really the only times you shouldn't use contractions are for heavy emphasis, characters a bit out of time, and androids.
I'll be keeping track:
~Your Erratic Overlord
4686928 Ah I see, that is an interesting idea.
4686940 It does help make it easier to follow along and shorter paragraphs don't run together so bad if they get the extra spacing between them. It's more a matter of personal taste, but most fics with the extra space between paragraphs are easier to read.
4688679
Thanks, I got that corrected now. English isn't my first language so I might slip a few times during writing, so I'm happy for the corrections I can get to help me learn
Hmmm not much of a talker is he?
4702782
Definitely the quiet type, but you'll see.
Good chapter, and much easier to read with the spacing
Did miss the indent on the first paragraph though. If you copied it from a different document write it might of missed it.
Happens to me sometimes.
4704819
If that's okay.
I never use a first indent on the first paragraph. Was taught that you don't use the indent there to show it's the start of the text. How I was taught and what I'm gonna stick to
Ah, didn't know that. Was always taught to indent the start of a paragraph.
But if that is how you was taught then stick with it. 
4702782 I prefer "succinct"
4707261
Dear Princess Sunbutt,
Today I learned a new, fancy word. All is good.
4708122 Haha, glad to help.
What a psychopath.
This is chapter three not four
4821226
AARGH! Sorry, I was very tired when I put that up, gasp, gotta fix that quick! Thanks!
4824789 easy mistake is easy mistake
You should probably use dashes instead of commas there.
'stir crazy on day one, or two - time was hard to tell - it was nothing'
Typo?
'she didn't like'
'didn't think' or 'hadn't thought'
I would suggest hadn't thought in this context.
I would make it two sentences.
'She was restless. She wanted to move about...'
and continue from there.
Replace had with have and omit the comma. Also, you should probably add a question mark on the end of the sentence instead of a period because it's phrased like a question.
'Why did ponies have to be so difficult creatures in general?'
Hope this helps!
4853137
Thanks, much appreciated! I was quite tired while writing this chapter, so I bet more mistakes than usually made their way into this chapter. But that shouldn't be an excuse. Again: Thanks for the corrections, I got them fixed now ^^
4855182 Glad to help!
5536839
Not necessarily, no. He's not unintelligent, he's just not very good with other creatures.
First signs of stress and insanity are starting to show. Such as the pacing.
Why am I even reading this?! This is horrible!
Well the story is good but its horrible still. I have such mixed feelings right now...
Good story but the way.
Not many people like to right in this genre for obvious reason of course.
6379678
Thank you. It's sort of one of my favourite genres so I wanted to put my own take on it to see if I could pull it off. I'm not as good a writer as I would like to be, but I'm glad it's considered good.