• Published 13th Jul 2014
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Adrift Off Fiddler's Green: The Final Conversion Bureau Story - Chatoyance



A last minute assignment takes newfoal reporter Frontpage to the very greatest secret of Equestria... and beyond.

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13. The Occult Legacy Of Willelmus Learmount

Adrift Off
Fiddler's Green

A C o n v e r s i o n B u r e a u S t o r y
By Chatoyance

13. The Occult Legacy Of Willelmus Learmount

Crimson Acres had been amazed and impressed with Frontpage's ability to control the floating, monolith-like 'teleporting machine'. He had used it to teleport in food and drink from some location in Equestria, from a place he often got lunch from during his many years reporting for the Canterlot Querier. She had been concerned that such rampant teleportation of goods could be considered stealing, theft, but he assured her that as soon as they were both safely back home, he would make a point of explaining everything, and paying any bills demanded.

Explaining the building was a little trickier. Frontpage really had to think about that one. He told Crimson that he hadn't known what he was doing at the time, and that it was pure luck that nopony was in the apartment building at the moment of transport. He hadn't... sent it back... because he was worried that ponies might be investigating the... empty ground... where it had once stood. He didn't want to harm anypony, after all!

The problem of the Ennis-Bradbury never actually having moved at all, was something to worry about much later, after they got back. He hoped he could come up with a convincing lie for that little issue during whatever time remained before any such concern was raised. Spinning the Creation Machine as a mere teleportation device served well to prevent a very difficult and uncomfortable discussion of just how he had saved Crimson from the pit in the sky.

The solution to a problem like the legitimacy of personal identity was almost certainly to just not think about it, he had decided. Not at all. Ever.

"Frontpage! I think I have a way to get us out of here!" Crimson, as always, worked to press forward.

"What is it?" Frontpage finished the last of his mulligatawny soup. Canterlot and the megalopolis of Ponyville had so many amazing restaurants since newfoals had integrated into the culture.

"That ribbon... it can be cut. It was cut. That means that it is a thing."

Frontpage blinked, he had no idea where she was going with this.

Crimson licked bell pepper, corn and potato chowder off her muzzle and swallowed. "And so, if it is a thing, then it can be moved. And the way those pieces of ribbon seem scattered around, I think they were moved."

Frontpage nodded. "Yeah, that seems reasonable. What's your angle here?"

"This thing..." She pointed her nose at the floating control monolith, now an icosahedron "...the teleport machine, what if it could teleport a section of ribbon to us, one that leads directly to wherever we want to go?"

The idea was audacious. The notion of teleporting a hole in spacetime aside, it was also problematic. The stone God-Machine didn't teleport things at all. It created them from energy, whole cloth. Maybe it could teleport things too - probably, considering it could literally manufacture life itself - but could it manufacture something like the black ribbon? The problem nagged at Frontpage - it really seemed to him as if the ribbon might have been taken from the periphery of the stone disk they were standing on. Cut up, and pieces placed all over. Rolls of the remaining stored behind a door on the deck of the 'sailing ship', or representation of the Equestrian cosmos as a sailing ship... the HMS Equestria... stored away for future use, presumably.

Why store something you can just create at will, with zero effort? It seemed unlikely that the machine could make more. Cosmic ribbon was almost certainly a limited resource.

If the device actually could teleport things, and not just create perfect copies, what would happen when folded spacetime was folded through spacetime to a new location? The most likely result, to Frontpage's science-fiction influenced mind, would be a massive, cosmos destroying explosion.

"I read and watched a lot of science fiction, back when I was on earth, and what we're dealing with right now seems to fit that pretty well. I'm fairly certain that folding an already folded spacetime fold is a Really Bad Idea. As in bye-bye universe bad."

Crimson giggled. "Yo... doggie...? I heard that you liked folding spacetime, so we folded your folded spacetime, so that you can spacetime your folded folds while you are folding folded spacetime!"

"Sweet Luna, that is positively ancient! Where in all of two universes did you hear that creaking old meme?"

"Carlos. I never knew his last name. He was the head of one of the groups that surveiled me when I was a human girl, in Antarctica. He didn't dare speak to me often, but when he did, he always tried to make me laugh." Crimson stared at the rainbow void, her ears at half mast. "I hope he made it to Equestria. He tried to be nice to me. That meant a lot, back then. I guess it still does, even after nearly a century."

Frontpage tapped his hoof, staring at it. Then he raised his head to look at Crimson. "I have a thought."

"Alright."

"You know how I told you the machine can sort of hear my thoughts? That's how I make it work. It responds to what I picture in my mind. And we talked for a bit about my wild notion that maybe this thing is part of what makes Equestria work - maybe it's the engine behind what we see as the magic of teleportation." Frontpage had tried to explain his new insights to Crimson, but he had been forced to limit the scope of much of it in order to stick to the lie that all the marble monolith could do was teleport objects. He had avoided suggesting that it was a true God Device, a Krell Machine, and had shot Crimson down when she herself had independently offered the idea as a possibility. If she understood what the machine could really do, he felt sure her first leap would be to the possibility that she hadn't actually been teleported from the pit in the sky at all. Crimson had demonstrated that she was very, very smart.

"Yes... and?"

"There's only one patch of ribbon here. Just one. And more that that, we got into that sky-pit from the bistro, going back the very same way we came in."

Crimson walked so that she could see the little black rectangle in the distance, across the marble disk. "The section of ribbon behind the tapestry." She thought for a moment "The tapestry! It depicted Nightmare Moon, and the moon, and the sky! The moon! That's what we both saw, just before we stepped back through!"

Frontpage stepped close to her. "Exactly! The very thing that was in our minds was the moon and the sky, and specifically the moon in relation to the time Luna was imprisoned there. Her little 'time out' for a thousand years. When we stepped through, we didn't end up back on the HMS Equestria... we ended up almost certainly in the pit her stars - whatever they are - excavated to help her escape. Maybe the ribbon works the same way as the control monolith."

"You mean, whatever we focus on, before we step through, that is what determines where the ribbon takes us?" Crimson's ears were standing tall with hopeful excitement.

Frontpage grinned. "That's my theory. I think it's all the same tech. I think Equestria isn't a magical land... or rather, I think that Equestrian magic is just..."

"Sufficiently advanced technology!" Crimson grinned back. "I didn't learn Clarke's Third Law back when I was a foal in Antarctica. I actually learned it here. Neat, huh?"

Frontpage nodded. "Nifty neat indeed!"

"It's quite a thought, isn't it. Maybe there really is a sort of Krell Machine that we just haven't found yet. Or something like one. Maybe it generates all of Equestria, imagine that!" Crimson seemed very excited at such thoughts "Oh! I think I have proof!"

Frontpage's ears lowered, he couldn't help it. This talk was steering uncomfortably close to some dangerous concepts. "Later. First, let's try..."

"No! Hear me out!"

She seemed almost miffed. She was miffed. Frontpage sighed. Crimson was being clever, and she wanted to show off her smarts. "Okay, what's your proof?"

"The Everfree. Remember how you said all of those Shriekers and other monsters were impossible? That they were directly out of that game you used to play?"

Frontpage sniffed and nodded. "Yeah..."

Crimson beamed. "Think about it - the Everfree, you said, is a place even the princesses can't control. It's beyond even them, a... a broken part of the world. And it has clearly gotten worse - a lot worse! We were in it, alone, just you and I, and all of our thoughts, and suddenly, the place is filled with real life creatures from a fictional game that only you ever played!"

"I'm not the only pony to ever play Dungeon's and Dragons! Swirl - they play it now, all over Equestria. It didn't die with the earth, why I know ponies that..."

"That's not the point - fine, lots of ponies know those monsters. That's only more proof - if Equestria is being maintained by some machine that can make reality, and if it reads minds, then lots of ponies knowing those monsters should just be even more powerful in telling it what to make!" Crimson tossed her bright red mane and stomped her hoof on the marble.

Frontpage considered her words. "You're saying that... the Everfree is like some kind of dumping ground or overflow area for mental commands... sort of. That all of our thoughts, not just the princesses, affect it in some strange manner. Ponies start playing a game from earth, and, eventually, stuff from that game starts showing up in the Everfree. Is that it?" The mare was smart. Too smart.

"Exactly that. And that's why it always has monsters in it too - even native ponies have nightmares, and they have fears and frustrations as well. Maybe the Everfree is a... zone, or region or something... where the Big Machine can't help but print all those thoughts, good and bad, into reality. That would explain the helpful things from the Everfree, too - cures and delicious fruits and all sorts of useful, magical things. Things so useful, its like somepony wished them into being!" Crimson's tail was basically wagging at this point - she felt very clever indeed, and Frontpage found himself almost mesmerized by the effect.

"That's a poutine of an explanation, Crimson. It certainly offers an answer for what we experienced back in the forest, and I think you have a real case there. Maybe even enough for a decent article. I'd give you some column inches for that. My hat's off to you!" Frontpage dipped his head and allowed his hat to fall onto his upturned hoof. He spun the hat on his hoof and then flipped it back onto his head.

"Oh!" Crimson was delighted by the performance. "That was quite dashing!"

"You bring it out in me, my dear Ms. Acres. You are as bright as you are lovely, and you are very much of both." He happily noted Crimson's blush. "Now that you have solved for reality itself, what say we go try out my idea of cosmic ribbon destination control? If it works, we can have a proper bed to sleep in tonight, and count ourselves survivors with a story to tell."

Crimson trotted off, her tail swishing widely. "Just one bed, mister Frontpage?"

It was the reporter's turn to blush.

They had to stop at Shenanigans', for cinnamon rolls. Jinx and Clover never got to visit the Megalopolis of Ponyville as often as they liked - if they had their way, their mother, Crimson, would give the plantation over to anypony else and take up apartment living in the city. Here were all the toy stores, the clothing shops, and above all else tasty, tasty treats that young filly ponies could totally bliss out on.

Shenanigans' was, like most businesses now, a newfoal concern. Originally started far out in the Exponentials by a young mare named Pudding, it had become an empire specializing in desserts and confections. The fillies attention had been drawn from the moment Tumble, Peony, Clover and Jinx had passed through the marble arch that marked the gate to the great city. Everywhere were banners and posters announcing the grand Zero Point Centennial - One Century Since Total Inclusion! With catering, of course, by Shenanigans', among others. But the thought of their famous sticky cinnamon rolls stuck very solidly in the minds of Clover and Jinx.

Sometimes, the simplest path is to just give in.

"Unca Tumble?" Little Clover was visibly drooling "You wan your last of your cimimom roll?" Her mouth was still partially full from her own unfinished treat.

"Clover! Chew with your muzzle shut! Goodness!" Peony was generally easygoing, but she had once been a child of the Good Families, the elite of the earth, and her 'Everfree Six' background still came out from time to time. "Proper mares do not ask for the contents of other ponies plates."

"Is okay. Rolls tasty, but give Tumble indigestion if eat too many." Uncle Tumble pushed the remains of his bulky, oozing, soft and delicious buttery-sweet pastry across the table with a claw. "Little pony eat, grow up sweet like beautiful Peony that Tumble love!"

Peony leaned over and gave her husband a lick and a kiss. "You are a romantic, and I adore you."

"Tumble glad. Me not happy unless Peony happy with Tumble."

"Then you should be happy all of the time, forever." Peony smiled, her ears dancing on her head in contentment.

Jinx and Clover looked at each other, made contorted faces that suggested that the pavement and surroundings would immediately become awash in chyme and digestive fluid, then happily returned to vacuuming up every speck of cinnamony-buttery deliciousness. The tender mercies of true love did not delight them - sweet treats were far superior in their estimations.

The plan was to take a pegasus carriage across the city to Payne Productions. The Happy Pony Show, one of the most successful musical variety entertainments in Equestria, was started by a small group of reasonably adamant disgruntled newfoals who used satire and comedy to express their unorthodox opinions about ponification. The group originated with Royal Payne and a number of other newfoals, many of which went on to equally great success stories of their own. Royal was married to the Lady Soliloquy - the pony Tumble and Peony wanted to see.

Lady Soliloquy, it was said, had once lived at the very dawn of Equestria itself. She had been a truly magical orator, with a mysterious gift that could sway the very souls of other ponies. She had also not thrived upon the surface of the barren, difficult, and chaos-skied prototype that preceded modern Equestria. She had been a threat to peace and survival with her enchanted words, causing dissent and even open rebellion - demanding luxuries and comforts that were impossible during the rugged and harsh formation of a new cosmos.

She had been lithified - turned to stone - as much to preserve order as to grant her peace. After many thousands of years she had been returned to life, to a rich, opulent, comfortable life that greatly agreed with her. This benefit was granted because her special powers had finally become needed by the princesses. It was her speech, broadcast all across Equestria, over every city, village, town and hamlet that finally made the case that newfoals were nothing to be afraid of, and were all true citizens and ponies to be accepted and cherished.

After that astonishing event, never again were immigrant newfoals stranded in far lands, or treated as terrifying invaders from the alien universe of earth. With her words, she had convinced every native to embrace the refugee population of former humans - newfoals like her own beloved husband, Royal Payne.

The flying carriage ride across the city was dominated less by sightseeing than by constant licking of sticky droplets of cinnamon sweet from fur and clothing. When at last the pegasus cab landed, Peony, Tumble and the fillies found themselves on a suspended landing balcony hundreds of hooves above the megalopolis below. The view was pulse-quickening for anypony other than a pegasus, and even Jinx and Clover, who had been distracted during the flight, took time to ooh and ahh at the sights beyond the guarding rail.

Peony was well known because she was a member of the Everfree Six and considered to be a sister to Plantain Acres, through connection with Crimson. In no time the small troupe was mustered through the halls, past the recording studios and performance chambers, and into the office of Royal himself.

"Peony! Peony Garden... Bumble, is it? And Tumble! So nice to see you again - aren't you looking large and... very large indeed. Oh! And who are these fine fillies?" Royal Payne, a strikingly purple stallion with a shimmering gold mane and tail, still wore his trademark flashy tie. He had singlehoofedly made human-world neckties cool in Equestria, and now there were tie stores in Canterlot as a result.

Clover and Jinx greatly enjoyed being introduced - Payne was a star of stage and screen - and it took some time and quite a few pleasantries to finally get down to the business for which they had come.

"We want to ask Soliloquy, directly, about whether death existed at the very beginning of Equestria." Peony's statement made Royal's ear twitch.

"It's because of the haints, isn't it?"

The ghost invasion, they soon learned, was not confined to the back side of Canterlot mountain. Specters were everywhere, essentially across Equestria. They were sparse in the Exponential lands, but very thick in regions where historical events or settlements had either been, or still were. The fairly old city of Manehattan was filled with etherial shades, and the sites of conflicts prior to the Pax Equestria were virtually swarming with phantasmic dragons, griffons, and ponies in ancient armor. Ponyville had endured very few encounters, it had been settled only two and a half centuries before the introduction of newfoals to Equestria. The older the place, the heavier the invasion of ghosts - something that made a certain sort of sense.

"Me had no idea occult phenomena so widespread!" Tumble's ears met his skull. "This not local problem at all!"

"No, my good... dog... haints seem to be everywhere anypony has gotten a report from. It's in all the papers. Here, look, even the Ponyville Prattler-Tribune gave it the front page!" Royal spread out the newspaper so that all could see.

Bone Pone Roam Loam, Cause Groan.
Throne Intone: Show Backbone - Moan Overblown!

"The princesses made a statement about this? Oh, that's good... huh..." Peony scanned the article below "They don't actually say much. Or anything, really. No explanations. Nothing solid, anyway. Keep calm, situation under control... frankly, this sounds too much like... like earth news."

"Me wonder how long it take to make headline. Writer need stern reprimand." Tumble shook his large trollish head. "Maybe even new job entirely."

Royal looked around, his ears low. He almost whispered. "It is like earth news. The paper was 'informed' shall we say, on what content and tone was 'allowed' to be printed. All the news outlets have gotten the same marching orders. Pablum and calming words to keep the masses from panic. The princesses gave one short statement, and now nopony knows where they have gotten to. Not even lesser royalty, like Sparkle, knows what's going on. Frankly, I'm worried. If it's beyond even the six great ambassadors of Equestria, then... it can't be good."

"How you know propaganda in use?" Tumble gave Peony a comforting squeeze.

Royal stood tall, but his ears were still low. "Because my wife is currently recording speeches on direct order from Celestia herself, and not even I'm allowed to know what they say. Soliloquy hates taking orders from Celestia, but she's doing this work without any fuss at all. Emergency speeches, I'm thinking. Last time I saw Soliloquy, through the glass of the booth, she looked like she'd been through Tartarus."

Peony lifted her hoof from the low table where she had been holding the corner of the newspaper down. She studied Royal's face for a moment. "When will your wife be finished? Can we talk to her?"

"I don't really know. She's been in there since lunchtime. When I wave at her, she just shakes her head." Royal adjusted his tie with a hoof. "You can't talk to her about whatever she's recording, I can tell you that. The princesses made that very clear."

"That's not any concern to us - we need to ask her about prehistoric mortality, nothing more. We have a theory, Royal." Peony checked on the fillies. Jinx and Clover were completely enraptured by a gigantic magical viewing crystal, and were busily intent upon the sphere, watching some cartoon about a blue donkey-like creature that could fly without wings. "I think that death is a recent addition to Equestria, and so are ghosts and whatever constitutes an afterlife here. And I think its breaking down... and, you know... I think I have a notion as to why!"

Royal's ears perked up. "I can confirm part of your idea - Soliloquy has told me a lot over the years about her life at the beginning of time. Nopony died and nopony grew old. They could be killed, by injury, by accident, but the princesses would just remake them if that happened. So that part is true. Death was added after my wife was lithified. She's a bit upset about it, because all of her old friends are gone." Royal's ears fluttered "Now what's this notion about what's really happening?'

"I think..." Peony lowered her voice, just in case the fillies were listening in "I think that Celestia added death because she somehow discovered that the earth had it. She's copied everything else, but death is something you can't get from a quick peek. She must have talked to somepony, some... one... someone human... about it. Some human from long, long ago, ages before the Bureaus. Someone filled with religious superstition, from a time when death was seen everyday, and on the minds of every human.

"She was probably given the old load of dung about the necessity of death, the inevitability of it, and the fictional reward of it. Then, swayed, she implemented death, probably just because it embarrassed her that her replication of earth was incomplete or something. We know she's a stickler for Law and Order and things being done correctly."

Royal nodded.

"So, basically, death probably worked just fine, super happy afterlife and all the trimmings. But suddenly, now, in the last century, there are billions of new citizens. Eleven billion newfoals, if what I've read is at all correct." Peony swallowed. "I think letting us humans in, just the sheer number of us all, I think it broke... Equestria."

Royal paced away, fussed, then paced back. "No wonder Soliloquy looked so ragged." He adjusted his tie again, nervously. "If you're right, she could be in there doing doomsday sign-offs. Our broadcast day is over. So long, and thank for all the hay. Sweet syrup. Holy Luna." He paced away, constantly stopping to straighten his tie, over and over. "Blessed Celestia."

Tumble bent his head to whisper into his wife's ear. "Me think you broke purple pony."