• Member Since 11th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Mar 27th, 2017

unspokenpaper


Hey gang, im Paper. Im 23, junior at a military college, and a military brony. I've served in the Army in some facet since 2009. Im a fresh writer, so comment up the story brohammer!

Comments ( 29 )

Remember to space out your paragraphs and whenever somepony is talking. Ex:

"Doesn't it remind you of her?" Fluttershy asked while holding a rainbow colored butterfly.

"Sugar cube, she's-" however Applejack stopped herself once she saw a tear trickling down her friend's cheek.

Hope this helps. :twilightblush:

Seem's legit. But how many Fallout Equestria's are there?

The biggest problem with this is the formatting. As Pokefreak13 said, proper spacing is important.:twilightsheepish:
Aside from that I don't see any issues.

Pretty good for a first attempt, I'll keep an eye in this fic.:raritywink:
and Ignore the dislike bar, there's been a big issue with what I call drive-by dislikes lately. Keep it up!

You all are saying to add an extra space between paragraphs? As in hitting the enter button twice instead of once?

And thanks for the words of encouragement. Another user messaged me and said not to worry about the dislikes.
I'll be honest, this is very much going a lot better than I had expected! I just wish there were more comments criticizing the work. Or comments highlighting parts the reader enjoyed!

Anyhow, thanks for the comments, and I hope you all enjoy the later chapters if you stick around for them!

4679246 At the moment, there are 346 Fallout: Equestria stories added to the official group, but I'm sure quite a few fall between the cracks, get added to one of the many other Fo:E groups and not this one, aren't on this site to begin with, etc.
tl;dr There's a lot, but very few of them are actually complete

4679246
Never enough. :ajbemused:

4679362
Come on man, where's your normal analysis and subsequent freak out over a pegasus OC? Alright freak out may not be the right word, but I know you love your Dashite/Enclave/just wasteland pegasus protagonists.

4680999
And I'm doing my best to make sure that doesn't happen anymore, I'd Rainbow Salute here if I could.

4681347
To be fair, this freak out isn't subsequent. An analysis mostly starts with it.

4680536
Yes, they mean using the ENTER key twice. In theory, it should look like this:

My whole life I had wanted nothing but success for myself. I studied hard in school, achieving top marks in all my classes. I was an athlete, leading my school hoofball team to countless victories. I held a part time job at a Radio Stall, selling electronic parts to ponies, and learning all I could about mechanics.

It came as no surprise when I received an appointment to the most highly esteemed military college in the Enclave, Sky Point Military Academy. I learned quite a lot there. I took mostly engineering classes of course, not wanting to bog myself down with simpler classes like political science, or interior decorating. I wanted to build things. And Sky Point offered that to me.

And where you usually did this, at the end of a paragraph cluster, you should do a horizontal line to indicate the gap in time. And when I say horizontal line I mean one you came up with yourself (such as xxxx_xxxx or something like that) because this side's HRs have a habit of turning invisible from time to time, thereby screwing up the spacing.


I can't see anything really bad with this story. Although the amnesia thing is something people apparently don't like that much (don't ask me why). What I found a bit irritating was the perspective change at the end of chapter 1. You jump from 1st person to 3rd person narration. That makes the story seem inconsistent, since we as readers can't know what the 1st person character really knows. It's easier to keep track when you have a fixed narration point.

I think on what you can cut back is the RP-style: sure, keep level-ups and even the skills, but you don't have to constantly give us ALL his stats. Those serve no direct purpose. This is a story after all, not an RP, even if you got your inspiration from one.


I'll like this story, even if it's another Dashite one. (Seriously, can no enclave pony be ever a protagonist of anything?) And I would like to read further chapters.

Next round!

I have to say, formatting has improved a lot. The only four things I would also recommend doing are:
1: make the quote at the beginning of your chapter italic. It isn't a rel part of the text, so you need to separate it from it. Just to please the eyes.
2: I don't see a need to indent every paragraph. Maybe just the ones at the beginning of a larger sense-segment. Like after a jump in time. But that's just my personal opinion, everybody does it how he/she wants do do it.
3: You could fuse some of your paragraphs to have larger paragraphs. This is also a personal opinion, I think big (ca. 10 lines) paragraphs look somehow better sometimes. It gives the story a touch of professionalism.
4: You mastered the art of spacing out your paragraphs. But I would also recommend doing some kind of horizontal line (no the side's ones! One of your own) to highlight gaps in your narration.

They walked by, not saying anything more to me. Their attention to the right and left flanks of their formation. Soon they had left my view and were on the other side of the debris. A few minutes had gone by then I heard the gunfire pick up again. The never ending fighting going on, oblivious to the life that had been so violently torn away from Tulip... And me.

(You've go a gap in here and you indicate it by making two space lines. This isn't bad or anything, but can be overlooked easily)

I found a patch of earth nearby. Bits of yellow dead grass sprouted from the ground, as well as a very old and dead tree. I buried Tulip there. I used parts of BB to create a makeshift tomb stone above her grave. Using my screw driver, I scratched out a few words on the metal. 'Tulip Trestle, a good pony'

I would suggest something like this:

They walked by, not saying anything more to me. Their attention to the right and left flanks of their formation. Soon they had left my view and were on the other side of the debris. A few minutes had gone by then I heard the gunfire pick up again. The never ending fighting going on, oblivious to the life that had been so violently torn away from Tulip... And me.

XXxxxOxxxXX

I found a patch of earth nearby. Bits of yellow dead grass sprouted from the ground, as well as a very old and dead tree. I buried Tulip there. I used parts of BB to create a makeshift tomb stone above her grave. Using my screw driver, I scratched out a few words on the metal. 'Tulip Trestle, a good pony'

again, just a persona preference. :twilightblush:




And now for the actual chapter:

Well... I don't have anything to criticize on this account. I liked it The characters, what happened....
Just continue. :twilightsmile:

Drastic revisions were made to the first chapter. Theres more content added to do away with the "talking heads" feeling that I got from the chapter. Please, have another read through. Tell your friends to take a look as well!

4768998

Took a stab at fixing the issues you mentioned. You should have a read over chapter one again. I think it sounds a lot better. No more 'talking heads' feelings to it lol.

This is good. It started off a bit slow but I look forward to more.:twilightsmile:

4927967 thanks bro. Sadly, I've been busy with school these past few weeks, so i havent had a chance to really get into the next chapter. Rest assured, we will see more!

thankss for the like!!

4939091

So, not to put you on the spot or anything, but I was wondering if you had any critiques that may lead to an improvement to the story.

4951341 nothing that I can think of.
I cant realy comment about spelling or anything (not that I can see any mistakes with it) because my spelling is absolutely horrifyingly bad. I have no idea how to improve this. The only thing I would say is in the next chapter or 2 give a story behind some of the sideline characters or add some twist to one of the friendly characters. But that is just my opinion on what would cause me to see what happens next. But meh, thats just my opinion. Personaly I would ask a few random people that same question and see if they say the same or similar comments. If so, work those ideas into the story.
:facehoof: this comment was longer then I planned. Oh well...

4953464 then longer the better! Any and all feedback is great.

I've also been trying to think of a way I can introduce a companion who will stick by his side through better or worse and not get killed off immediately. Originally it was going to be morning grace but then I decided her current role would be better. So I came up with Tulip but without even thinking I murdered her lol

Right now I'm working on a journey up the Hoofington river. I want to stay accurate to established cannon in horizons and the original. But I also want to add more to the world.

4962815 if I can think of anything that could help or be usefull in adding more to the world I shall inform you.:twilightsmile:

Wow! This is my favorite chapter yet!

5082511

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it

Comment posted by unspokenpaper deleted Oct 6th, 2014

Just finished reading this chapter for the review... I gotta say... best chapter yet.

War in the Equestrian Wasteland never changes... Or does it?
This is the tale of Stand Bold, a respected member of the Enclave. Head of Research and Development at Type 40 Industries, and Captain of his Infantry Company, 4/118th, Charliehorse.
Type 40, the company Stand Bold works for, is the primer targeting talisman producer for the Enclave. One day, a talisman malfunctions and starts targeting things it necessarily shouldn't have been. So who better to fix it than the inventor himself? Stand Bold reports to the vessel experiencing the glitch and begins work to fix the the blasted thing. But he discovers a plot that threatens the Enclave, the Wasteland, and countless lives across the globe. To further compound the problem, he can't remember a damn thing about any of it, and has been branded a Dashite! Can he find his lost memories in time to save the surviving world? Or will this evil plot plunge the wasteland into a millennium of darkness?

:applejackconfused:

Just reading the description I have a lot to go over for this. I'll check the story out sometime.

I'll see if I can get down to reading this tonight.

5909342

Sounds good man, whenever you can. I'd certainly appreciate it.

I'll see if I can get down to reading this tonight.

Probably the biggest lie I ever told on the internet. I may be a critic, but I'm lazy.

I'll go ahead and read some right now since I'm probably not going to do it during the day.

5922766

It'salllllll good mate. I've been working my ass off in school. So I haven't even had a chance to really rewrite the second chapter anyway. I hope you enjoy it! And feel free to rip it apart. Bring the truth, no matter how bad it hurts.

5923065 I got that reference.

5923811

So did you have a chance to see the squalor that is my story?

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