• Member Since 13th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen April 10th

ScousePone


You will always be a loser and that's okay.

T
Source

Rarity uncovers a shocking secret during her visit with Coco Pommel.

Edited by SolidFire and Atrodilla

Live reading done by The Living Library!

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 24 )

Several issues are apparent in this story.

The first is the way it opens. It doesn't need to drag us through Manehatten, that's a wasted scene that only serves to take the long way of getting Rarity to where anything significant in the story starts. It'd be better to just jump right to something like Rarity and Coco meeting as Coco opens the door for her.

As the story continues, there's really no suspense in those fashion designer's murders. The tipoff that Coco is the perpetrator is given away too early and too easily. That could be forgiven if there was something to justify it like a really brilliant in-depth psychological exploration of the impact of her actions, but as it is there's not much there other than just having randomly made Coco into a killer for no reason other than the sake of trying to be dark. It's also not really believable that she'd just confess everything at the drop of a hat.

What I could say you did well is describing the scenes. I found the settings pretty well-written with an alright balance of detail (not too bare and not excessive), so that's something.

Hi there, I'm the first one to downvote your story and I'm going to explain why.

Name of Story: Bad Habit
All of this review is based off my opinion and my way of writing. I hope it will be helpful. Feel free to pm me if you have concerns about what I've written here OR would like me to take a second look OR would like me to focus on something else that didn't catch my attention the first time.


~Narrative/Story Plot/Story Flow Concerns~
First off, I want to say that I've read a lot of Dark and Horror-theme stories. I know a lot of the tricks, twists and I have a unnecessary high tolerance for gore. Luckily for readers who aren't into gore, none of that is present in this fic. There are fics that have unhinged killers and monsters from the depths that have a desire to kill and mutilate everyone involved but this isn't one of those stories.

This falls into another genre within the Dark fic tag. There are different types of Dark fics that fall into categories like psychological, hallucinations, trauma of I met my breaking point and so I have to kill and so forth. Instead of focusing on the deaths and shocking things, these types of fics are meant to have see the mental process of the killer and have empathize or scorn their actions.

This fic here has failed in those aspects. I do not care or hate the leading character. I do not care about any of it at all and annoys me when I want to and there's nothing in the writing to cling to. The entire fic feels mechanical and stiff. The characters' actions are so predictable and the twist at the very last lines is rather terrible attempt of a twist.

When you are focusing on a killer than the killed, the leading character better have a compelling personality to do it or to have done it. That sentence probably sounded weird but let me explain myself. For the sake of the narrative, killers are generally terrible people but they themselves think they are good. There has to be quirks to humanize them to readers to have someone to root for or not.

There has to be something raw. Something real and it's not in this story.

SPOILERS~THERE BE SPOILERS~
Coco does a lot of things in this fic. She washes dishes, she checks her calender, she worries about the time like any other person... pony... whatever. That's great that it shows that she's responsible but what she does in the time of waiting for Rarity is meaningless. It has nothing to do with her killings of fashion designers. It has nothing to do with the real plot of her feeling the need to confess to Rarity about what she did.

I want to know what she's thinking, what's she's feeling and how it is relevant.
I needed to feel her justification of her killings.
All I know is what the writing told me, 'they stole my stuff and lied like Suri so I became a killer'.

Let me tell you what would be interesting to read: Who were those fashion designers before she killed them? How did Coco got away with it? How does she sleeps at night with her sins and the murders piling up? The weapons of her trade? What she thinks about them? Does the killings get easier or worse? How does she plan on doing it? And so on and so on.

When you switched to Rarity's perspective, my initial thoughts of the story changed. I thought it would be more about Rarity trying to get away with whatever Coco was planning to do with her. I wasn't happy about it but you can't ruin a old cliche. But nothing happened. Nothing meaningful. I didn't feel the weight of Coco's confession or Rarity's reaction. I blinked and wondered when the story would begin.

This is a one-shot. I knew that when I clicked on it. The lack of climax in this story and fake, mechanical way the characters go about... At least you could say that they are 'in character' to the show's canon but they shouldn't be. This is a story where Coco is a serial killer who cuts out the tongues of fashion designers when they try to step over her and has a disturbing worship of Rarity.

There's a story in that but it's not here.

If you took out all of the reference of the killings out of their conversation and replaced with something else... The story would still read the same. It's meaningless, bland chatter that doesn't have any weight to it. No drama, no angst, no soul-searching, no consequences. The fic feels like it was aiming for shock than horror. There's really nothing Dark about it. It's light and just not my taste.

Author, I have a very honest question. Was your story meant to be read like this?

4680427 Thanks for the criticisms! This is my first attempt at writing some horror; haven't tried it even when it comes to my non-pony stories! The reason I described Rarity in the city was because there were a few uses of symbolism throughout it. Also, if I ever attempt a story similar to this one, I might make it longer to build upon the suspense. Coco also confessed to Rarity mostly because she feels that Rarity's the only she can trust. Again, making this story longer could have fixed these issues.

4680469 Okay, this comment is fantastic, thank you so, so, SO much. Like I said in my other reply, I've never really tried writing horror; not in fan fiction and not in any of my original work. It's never been my genre, but it's always been something I've wanted to try. Since you read a lot of darker stories, I'll take your comments to heart.

I think the biggest flaw of this story was that it wasn't long enough. This is mostly because I've never been one to write stories of continuity. I've always written short stories, but I should practice on writing longer ones. This story was essentially one scene out of the whole movie, lacking the other scenes that could've aided in its impact. That's my fault, I'll fully admit that.

I'll also have to disagree with you when you say the characters shouldn't be in character. Personally, I hate reading stories where one of the characters is acting so different that you barely recognize them. They might be doing something incredibly different, but they still need to be in character. Rainbow Dash isn't going to enter a cooking contest and want to lose, right?

You have some very good tips to give and, if I take a jab at writing horror again, I'll be sure to send you a PM. This was very much an experiment, something I've really wanted to do, and while the final product wasn't perfect, I did learn a lot.

4680920
I'm glad that you liked the review and there is always a first time for everything. Read some horror stories and give that genre another swing.

I'll also have to disagree with you when you say the characters shouldn't be in character. Personally, I hate reading stories where one of the characters is acting so different that you barely recognize them. They might be doing something incredibly different, but they still need to be in character. Rainbow Dash isn't going to enter a cooking contest and want to lose, right?

Let's agree to disagree. I know and you know the basic traits of the ponies but a major point in fanfiction is to throw them into different situations to see how they react and grow. Consider it character development.

A Coco Pommel whose gotten used to killing ponies and spends time justifying it to herself while cutting out their tongues should be very different from the gal of the show. And that's a good thing as long as their reasons why, emotional or logical, feels like a normal progression. It needs to feel right and that's the thing about writing, you just know it when you read it. Everyone wants to believe this or that out of a story. You just have to meet them half-way.

4680759
Right back at cha.:twilightblush:

4681041 What horror writers would you recommend? I prefer the psychological stuff over blood and cuts, so keep that in mind. I'm also talking about non-pony stuff.

4681053
The House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski is one of my favorites and one that I own. I also have read lot of Stephen King, Montague Rhodes James, H.P. Lovecraft, Jeff Lindsay, Patrick Süskind and a quite few more.

But moving on, I was thinking about compiling a proper list to suggest to you until I realized that a lot of my horror knowledge and what works and what doesn't comes from experience. I know very well what works in a story for ME from reading a lot and giving my hand of writing my favorite parts in horrors.

I don't what would exactly click for you. You say that you would like to read psychological but... What kind of psychological? I prefer surreal horror, fridge logic, existential terror and character pieces. This is what I write. You must go off and use Google as your guide. Give the stories in Dark and Grim Dark a read. Even the gore filled ones. Understand why you like that thing over this thing and try to write the parts you really liked out of a story. Turn it into something better and yours.

This is something that you study and hone in on until your craft becomes wickedly sharp.

4681388 Existential terror and character pieces are interesting. I like horror that's more psychologically disturbing, stuff like American Psycho and Se7en. As a writer though, I am open to reading anything and learning from it.

What a twist!

So, wait... is Rarity a psychopath too? I got some kind of vibe at the end, but I'm not sure what it was.

As for the story itself, it was fairly intriguing, but far too short, lacking the necessary build-up and tension to feel satisfying when it was over. Like the others have said, it needs to be longer.

Other than that, a decent read, certainly not the worst story I've read. And I completely buy Coco as a murderer and it may just have been me, but I got that American Psycho feel while reading.

5261586 She was and, yes, I should have made this story much longer! This was the first time I ever tried writing horror; I definitely learned a lot from the experience.

5263270 Ah, so that's why there are no other clothing stores in Ponyville.

I, am at a loss for words at the end.

Can somepony explain it a little more clearly to me please?

6102958 Rarity is a serial killer as well.

6104752 secret life reference?!:pinkiehappy:

6281638 I don't know what the Secret Life is, so unfortunately no.

6282824 a fanfic here named The Secret Life Of Rarity read it and it's sequels by Bronywriter

Yo, I did a Reading Sins of this story here.

The link to the reading doesn't seem to work.

Oh, don’t listen to them! I loved it!

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