Chapter 1
With a swish of her tail and a dainty hum, Coco Pommel finished up cleaning her dishes, delicately placing the butter knife into the drawer. She had to entertain a guest today, and leaving dirty dishes lying around is not proper etiquette.
“It’s been such a long time since I’ve seen Rarity,” Coco said to herself as she trotted over to her calendar. She hadn’t seen the pony that kick started her career in quite a long time and was very much looking forward to reconnecting with her.
Coco checked the time; she still had about an hour before Rarity arrived. She had already made sure her apartment was spotless, but another inspection couldn’t hurt! Once again, she checked to make sure the plants were watered, bed was made, and everything was exactly where it should be. She fluffed one of the hoofmade pillows on her couch, plopped down, and waited patiently for her friend to arrive.
“Ah, how I missed Manehattan’s wonderful generosity!” Rarity cooed while reclining in the back of a taxi that was so kindly given up to her by one of Manehattan’s own.
She loved taking in the sights and sounds of the city; while many found the city to be all hustle and bustle, Rarity found it to be somewhat peaceful. The city’s skyscrapers towered over the city like watchful guardians, casting their shadows across its landscape. Ponies greeted each other with a smile and a tip of the hat. Rarity thought it was all so wonderful, almost like an escape from her work, which sometimes left her stressed out.
Before she could ponder on her work, the taxi stopped in front of Coco’s apartment building.
“Oh my, this building is much taller than her last one; Coco must really be doing well for herself!” Rarity said, stepping out of the taxi. Her perspective made the building look like it was about to tip over and fall directly on top of her.
Rarity handed the taxi-puller his tip, a shiny green gem, and trotted excitedly towards the doors of the building. The doorman lifted his hat and gave Rarity a hearty hello; she smiled back and gave him a small tip for his friendliness as well.
Inside the building, light hearted jazz music was playing in the foyer, mixing nicely with the sound of a fountain. A grand chandelier hung from the ceiling, the light it created reflecting off the spotless marble floor. It was definitely one of the nicest buildings Rarity had ever seen during her time in the city.
Reaching into her saddlebag, Rarity pulled out a paper with Coco’s address and room number on it.
“Silly Rarity, almost forgetting Coco’s room number, good thing you brought that paper though!” Rarity chuckled as she called the elevator.
When it arrived, Rarity was surprised at how nice it was! It had plenty of space inside, and the walls were decorated with mosaic tiles and a mirror, which of course Rarity used to make sure her mane was looking as lovely as always.
The elevator stopped with a ding and opened its doors. Stepping out, Rarity began down the hallway, counting the room numbers until she reached 1109; Coco’s room. She only had to wait a few seconds after knocking before Coco opened the door.
“Rarity!” she cried, practically jumping on her. “It’s so wonderful to see you!”
“It’s nice to see you too, darling,” Rarity replied as the two pulled away from their hug. “I’ve been looking forward to it for weeks!”
“Please come in, we have a lot of catching up to do.” Coco smiled brightly at Rarity as she passed. Behind them, the door shut tight.
Coco’s apartment was simply beautiful. A large window was directly ahead, providing a spectacular view of the city. A white, velvet sofa was placed in front of the television. Framed photos of Coco’s family and friends decorated the walls.
“My, oh my, this is such a marvelous apartment!” Rarity complimented in awe. “I should feel jealous!”
Coco laughed along as she entered the kitchen. “Thank you, a former employer of mine used to own this place. They moved out a few months ago, so I decided to save up and make it my own!” she said proudly while she retrieved two glasses from the cabinets.
“Your hard work most certainly paid off!” Rarity said before taking a seat on Coco’s sofa, the cushions so soft that she could just fall asleep and never wake up.
As Coco prepared their drinks, Rarity reached for the newspaper lying on the coffee table in front of her. The headline took up half the page.
FASHION DESIGNER MURDERED-SUSPECT NOT FOUND.
Rarity let out a shocked gasp. Above the fold was a picture of the crime scene, though the body could not be seen. She began reading the article, mostly out of curiosity. The body was found in an alley a few hours after a fashion show held just two nights ago. The tongue had been cut out and the face was so disfigured that authorities were unsure if they would be able to identify the poor victim. Rarity was relieved when the victim’s name didn’t ring any bells.
“That is just awful,” Rarity said in a deflated tone.
“What’s awful?” asked Coco, walking into the living room with the drinks.
Rarity handed her the paper so she could see for herself.
“I heard about this. I was going to read the story, but I hadn’t gotten around to it.”
“I wonder why the killer decided to cut out the tongue. It’s a rather interesting thing to do,” Rarity commented.
“Maybe they wanted to teach them a lesson, you know, maybe the victim wasn’t careful with their words. I actually knew the victim too,” Coco said as she sat down next to Rarity.
“Oh dear, I’m so sorry, darling,” Rarity said, wrapping her foreleg around Coco.
“It’s fine, we weren’t really close, we just worked on the same project at one point. A few other murders have happened recently too; it’s kinda scary, to be honest with you,” Coco admitted calmly, looking down at her glass before taking a sip.
“I must say, you are taking this news rather well, seeing that you knew the victim and all,” Rarity said, taking a sip from her drink afterwards.
“Life goes pretty quickly, so there’s no point in crying about dying if it’ll happen eventually, right?” Coco asked, her muzzle masked by her glass.
“Well, I suppose so,” Rarity replied, unsure of quite what to say. A brief period of silence followed, falling somewhere between uncomfortable and awkward.
“In your letter, you mentioned a line of new dresses; mind if I get a sneak peek?” Rarity asked cheerfully, restoring the mood in the room back to normal.
Coco smiled. “Of course! I’d be delighted to show you my latest work; I know you’ll love it. They’re in my studio room.” Lifting herself up off the couch, Coco started towards the room, Rarity following shortly behind her.
The studio wasn’t as big as Rarity was expecting, but it was still roomy. Coco’s working desk was placed next to a large, walk-in closet where she stored previous designs. Several pieces of rolled up fabric scattered about, lying in heaps on the floor and draped across the sewing machine and other tools. Four mannequins were modeling four dresses, respectfully. Rarity’s eyes lit up upon seeing them.
“These are gorgeous, darling!” she said, her voice full of excitement. “They fit on the body so nicely and the fabric is so soft and smooth; did you make it yourself?”
Coco nodded, approaching Rarity and standing behind her. “I did! It took a long time, but I’d say it was worth it; the crowd at the fashion show the other night adored it!”
“Oh, the one two nights ago?” Rarity asked, peeking over her shoulder.
“Yup! The public’s really looking forward to its official release,” Coco said with pride.
“I don’t mean to make the subject all morbid again, but wasn’t that the same fashion show where that designer was found murdered?” Rarity asked, her voice somewhat quieter than before.
“I think it may have been,” Coco said with a shaky voice.
Rarity noticed her trembling a bit and immediately wanted to change the subject. “I’m sorry for bringing it back up, it probably makes you upset.”
“I don’t look upset, do I?” Coco laughed off Rarity’s assumption.
“Darling, your legs are about to give way any minute now! It’s all right if you’re a little shaken up, it’s natural.”
Coco didn’t answer, she avoided making eye contact, grinding her teeth as she clopped her hooves in nervousness. Her silence made Rarity feel uneasy. Rarity decided to drop it and go back to admiring Coco’s work, which was spectacular. She could feel Coco’s eyes piercing into her back, only making her feel even more uncomfortable.
“Um, Coco darling, what did you use to make this fabric?” Rarity asked, worried she may have hit a sore spot with Coco.
“A whole combination of fabrics!” Coco chirped, surprisingly upbeat. She galloped over to one of the mannequins to caress her fabric. “I’d been working on it for almost a month, though it feels longer when I think about all those all-nighters I took. I’m hoping it’ll be my masterpiece! ”
Rarity smiled, happy that she didn’t upset Coco with her questions. “I’m sure your competition must’ve been very jealous, in a good way though!” Rarity complimented.
“Actually, another designer tried to steal my idea,” Coco growled as she grimaced, her voice taking a more serious tone..
“How awful! It’s rather sad that some designers need to steal from others to gain recognition. I can’t even begin to tell you how livid I was at Suri when she stole my fabric during Fashion Week last year,” Rarity recalled; she could feel a small part of herself burn up just thinking about it.
“Speaking of Suri,” Rarity continued, “I haven’t heard from her in a while. I know she wasn’t the nicest pony the last time I saw her, but I still would like to try and get back the friendship we once had,” Rarity said with a faint smile.
“Last I heard, she went on some business trip to show off her latest clothing line. Unfortunately, I can’t exactly remember where she went; it might have been overseas,” Coco said, pretending to dig deep in memory to recall the details.
“Oh well, it’s not a huge loss,” Rarity admitted, “though it would have been a little nice to talk with her again.”
Coco shrugged and sat down in one of the studios chairs. “I don’t miss her,” she said bluntly. “She was awful to me, never giving me the recognition or respect I deserved. I was the one that did all the work!”
Coco’s face turned a light pink, her eyes narrowing slightly. Working for Suri was supposed to be her dream job, her gateway to stardom in Manehattan. Instead, it had been a complete nightmare, a job that bordered on punishment and slavery.
“And to top it all off,” she continued, “she had the audacity to go and steal your fabric and lie about it without batting an eye. You were so generous and she was just… so…”
Rarity’s eyes had widened as Coco’s voice became colder. Trapped in the situation, she continued to listen to what Coco had to say, allowing her to vent comfortably. Coco got out of the chair and walked over to a basket holding several of her sewing tools. Picking up a pair of scissors, she danced the metal blades along the surface of the table, mimicking the movement of a pair of walking legs. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
“Nopony would miss a pony like Suri. Everything’s better with her gone. Everything,” Coco finished calmly, her face flushed with anger.
Rarity cocked her head in confusion. “What do you mean ‘gone’?” she asked.
Coco’s back stiffened up, her tail twitched, and her legs shook nervously. “Gone… for the time being.”
“I don’t think that’s what you meant, Coco,” Rarity approached Coco slowly, not out of caution, but out of comfort. “Did something happen to Suri? Something bad?”
Coco had nowhere to run. She frantically searched for an escape, somewhere to go, some way to get out. When she saw Rarity extend her hoof, she gasped, looking into her friend’s reassuring eyes.
“You can trust me, Coco,” Rarity spoke softly, “I promise.”
Placing her hoof onto Rarity’s, Coco dropped the scissors onto the ground and let out a heavy sigh to relax herself
“I killed Suri.”
Rarity’s hoof jumped when she heard the words, but it didn’t pull away. Coco’s eyes quivered as she tried to hold back her tears. Sniffling, she stopped fighting her emotions and the tears began streaming down her cheeks, forming little damp spots on the carpet when they fell.
“I killed her and others too,” Coco sobbed, her face buried in Rarity’s coat. Rarity’s hoof petted her mane, softly running it down till she reached her back.
“They were such awful ponies, Rarity. They only cared about themselves, they weren’t generous like you. They used me, took me for granted, stepped all over me.” Coco looked up at Rarity, her tears starting to dry on her fur.
“It’s okay, Coco,” Rarity whispered, feeling Coco’s body shake and tremble within their embrace.
“That’s why I cut their tongues out. Ponies like that didn’t deserve them, they used it for nothing but cruelty and harshness,” Coco whimpered, pulling away from Rarity’s hug.
“After Suri treated me so horribly, I wasn’t going to let anypony do that again. I’d had enough; I wanted to be celebrated for my work and talked about. I saw it happen to many other ponies too, designers trying to make it big, only to be taken advantage of by their partners. It made my stomach turn. I hated it. When I twisted the knife in Suri, I felt like I had cleansed the world of something evil and helped every pony that was like me.”
Rarity brushed Coco’s mane with her hoof as Coco confessed to her. Anyone else would have turned and ran, horrified that such a sweet, innocent mare could do something so evil and horrendous. However, Rarity could see the pain in Coco’s eyes, the remorseful stare they gave her when she looked at them. She could see herself in them.
Coco went back to sitting in the chair, Rarity standing behind her and resting a hoof on her shoulder. “I owe my whole career to you, Rarity. You were the only one that ever seemed to care. I wish I could repay you, but it’s impossible to pay back that kind of generosity,” Coco said, looking up at her friend.
“I’m glad you told me all this, darling.” Rarity smiled sweetly. Her horn began to glow as she levitated the pair of scissors off the ground. She brought them to Coco’s hooves, running the blades along the soles and up her legs until they grazed the bottom of her chin.
Coco smiled back at her, happy that she wasn’t horrified or scared. She acted like a true friend.
“Because you’re not the only one.”
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Several issues are apparent in this story.
The first is the way it opens. It doesn't need to drag us through Manehatten, that's a wasted scene that only serves to take the long way of getting Rarity to where anything significant in the story starts. It'd be better to just jump right to something like Rarity and Coco meeting as Coco opens the door for her.
As the story continues, there's really no suspense in those fashion designer's murders. The tipoff that Coco is the perpetrator is given away too early and too easily. That could be forgiven if there was something to justify it like a really brilliant in-depth psychological exploration of the impact of her actions, but as it is there's not much there other than just having randomly made Coco into a killer for no reason other than the sake of trying to be dark. It's also not really believable that she'd just confess everything at the drop of a hat.
What I could say you did well is describing the scenes. I found the settings pretty well-written with an alright balance of detail (not too bare and not excessive), so that's something.
Hi there, I'm the first one to downvote your story and I'm going to explain why.
Name of Story: Bad Habit
All of this review is based off my opinion and my way of writing. I hope it will be helpful. Feel free to pm me if you have concerns about what I've written here OR would like me to take a second look OR would like me to focus on something else that didn't catch my attention the first time.
~Narrative/Story Plot/Story Flow Concerns~
First off, I want to say that I've read a lot of Dark and Horror-theme stories. I know a lot of the tricks, twists and I have a unnecessary high tolerance for gore. Luckily for readers who aren't into gore, none of that is present in this fic. There are fics that have unhinged killers and monsters from the depths that have a desire to kill and mutilate everyone involved but this isn't one of those stories.
This falls into another genre within the Dark fic tag. There are different types of Dark fics that fall into categories like psychological, hallucinations, trauma of I met my breaking point and so I have to kill and so forth. Instead of focusing on the deaths and shocking things, these types of fics are meant to have see the mental process of the killer and have empathize or scorn their actions.
This fic here has failed in those aspects. I do not care or hate the leading character. I do not care about any of it at all and annoys me when I want to and there's nothing in the writing to cling to. The entire fic feels mechanical and stiff. The characters' actions are so predictable and the twist at the very last lines is rather terrible attempt of a twist.
When you are focusing on a killer than the killed, the leading character better have a compelling personality to do it or to have done it. That sentence probably sounded weird but let me explain myself. For the sake of the narrative, killers are generally terrible people but they themselves think they are good. There has to be quirks to humanize them to readers to have someone to root for or not.
There has to be something raw. Something real and it's not in this story.
SPOILERS~THERE BE SPOILERS~
Coco does a lot of things in this fic. She washes dishes, she checks her calender, she worries about the time like any other person... pony... whatever. That's great that it shows that she's responsible but what she does in the time of waiting for Rarity is meaningless. It has nothing to do with her killings of fashion designers. It has nothing to do with the real plot of her feeling the need to confess to Rarity about what she did.
I want to know what she's thinking, what's she's feeling and how it is relevant.
I needed to feel her justification of her killings.
All I know is what the writing told me, 'they stole my stuff and lied like Suri so I became a killer'.
Let me tell you what would be interesting to read: Who were those fashion designers before she killed them? How did Coco got away with it? How does she sleeps at night with her sins and the murders piling up? The weapons of her trade? What she thinks about them? Does the killings get easier or worse? How does she plan on doing it? And so on and so on.
When you switched to Rarity's perspective, my initial thoughts of the story changed. I thought it would be more about Rarity trying to get away with whatever Coco was planning to do with her. I wasn't happy about it but you can't ruin a old cliche. But nothing happened. Nothing meaningful. I didn't feel the weight of Coco's confession or Rarity's reaction. I blinked and wondered when the story would begin.
This is a one-shot. I knew that when I clicked on it. The lack of climax in this story and fake, mechanical way the characters go about... At least you could say that they are 'in character' to the show's canon but they shouldn't be. This is a story where Coco is a serial killer who cuts out the tongues of fashion designers when they try to step over her and has a disturbing worship of Rarity.
There's a story in that but it's not here.
If you took out all of the reference of the killings out of their conversation and replaced with something else... The story would still read the same. It's meaningless, bland chatter that doesn't have any weight to it. No drama, no angst, no soul-searching, no consequences. The fic feels like it was aiming for shock than horror. There's really nothing Dark about it. It's light and just not my taste.
Author, I have a very honest question. Was your story meant to be read like this?
4680469 cdnpix.com/show/imgs/566e5583fec72cb04f87e7f6003a4c8f.jpg
4680427 Thanks for the criticisms! This is my first attempt at writing some horror; haven't tried it even when it comes to my non-pony stories! The reason I described Rarity in the city was because there were a few uses of symbolism throughout it. Also, if I ever attempt a story similar to this one, I might make it longer to build upon the suspense. Coco also confessed to Rarity mostly because she feels that Rarity's the only she can trust. Again, making this story longer could have fixed these issues.
4680469 Okay, this comment is fantastic, thank you so, so, SO much. Like I said in my other reply, I've never really tried writing horror; not in fan fiction and not in any of my original work. It's never been my genre, but it's always been something I've wanted to try. Since you read a lot of darker stories, I'll take your comments to heart.
I think the biggest flaw of this story was that it wasn't long enough. This is mostly because I've never been one to write stories of continuity. I've always written short stories, but I should practice on writing longer ones. This story was essentially one scene out of the whole movie, lacking the other scenes that could've aided in its impact. That's my fault, I'll fully admit that.
I'll also have to disagree with you when you say the characters shouldn't be in character. Personally, I hate reading stories where one of the characters is acting so different that you barely recognize them. They might be doing something incredibly different, but they still need to be in character. Rainbow Dash isn't going to enter a cooking contest and want to lose, right?
You have some very good tips to give and, if I take a jab at writing horror again, I'll be sure to send you a PM. This was very much an experiment, something I've really wanted to do, and while the final product wasn't perfect, I did learn a lot.
4680920
I'm glad that you liked the review and there is always a first time for everything. Read some horror stories and give that genre another swing.
Let's agree to disagree. I know and you know the basic traits of the ponies but a major point in fanfiction is to throw them into different situations to see how they react and grow. Consider it character development.
A Coco Pommel whose gotten used to killing ponies and spends time justifying it to herself while cutting out their tongues should be very different from the gal of the show. And that's a good thing as long as their reasons why, emotional or logical, feels like a normal progression. It needs to feel right and that's the thing about writing, you just know it when you read it. Everyone wants to believe this or that out of a story. You just have to meet them half-way.
4680759
Right back at cha.
4681041 What horror writers would you recommend? I prefer the psychological stuff over blood and cuts, so keep that in mind. I'm also talking about non-pony stuff.
4681053
The House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski is one of my favorites and one that I own. I also have read lot of Stephen King, Montague Rhodes James, H.P. Lovecraft, Jeff Lindsay, Patrick Süskind and a quite few more.
But moving on, I was thinking about compiling a proper list to suggest to you until I realized that a lot of my horror knowledge and what works and what doesn't comes from experience. I know very well what works in a story for ME from reading a lot and giving my hand of writing my favorite parts in horrors.
I don't what would exactly click for you. You say that you would like to read psychological but... What kind of psychological? I prefer surreal horror, fridge logic, existential terror and character pieces. This is what I write. You must go off and use Google as your guide. Give the stories in Dark and Grim Dark a read. Even the gore filled ones. Understand why you like that thing over this thing and try to write the parts you really liked out of a story. Turn it into something better and yours.
This is something that you study and hone in on until your craft becomes wickedly sharp.
4681388 Existential terror and character pieces are interesting. I like horror that's more psychologically disturbing, stuff like American Psycho and Se7en. As a writer though, I am open to reading anything and learning from it.
What a twist!
So, wait... is Rarity a psychopath too? I got some kind of vibe at the end, but I'm not sure what it was.
As for the story itself, it was fairly intriguing, but far too short, lacking the necessary build-up and tension to feel satisfying when it was over. Like the others have said, it needs to be longer.
Other than that, a decent read, certainly not the worst story I've read. And I completely buy Coco as a murderer and it may just have been me, but I got that American Psycho feel while reading.
5261586 She was and, yes, I should have made this story much longer! This was the first time I ever tried writing horror; I definitely learned a lot from the experience.
5263270 Ah, so that's why there are no other clothing stores in Ponyville.
I, am at a loss for words at the end.
Can somepony explain it a little more clearly to me please?
6102958 Rarity is a serial killer as well.
6104752 secret life reference?!
6281638 I don't know what the Secret Life is, so unfortunately no.
6282824 a fanfic here named The Secret Life Of Rarity read it and it's sequels by Bronywriter
Yo, I did a Reading Sins of this story here.
The link to the reading doesn't seem to work.
Oh, don’t listen to them! I loved it!