Twilight stared down at the farm pony bowing before her. Though she'd excepted the fact that she's royalty, seeing one of her friends act like a peasant in front of her was beyond her comfort zone. Not knowing what to say, she reached out a hoof and prodded her shoulder, causing the mare to look up.
"Applejack... Please stand up..." she sighed. Applejack did so, but looked in surprise.
"What is it Princess... err...?"
"Twilight," the alicorn completed for her.
"Princess Twilight," Applejack echoed. Twilight took a deep breath.
"Please, just call me Twilight."
Applejack raised a brow at this. "Why's that?"
"Well... I.... I'm not anymore important than anypony else."
As the earth pony opened her mouth to reply, Twilight covered it with her hoof. "No. Don't go through the whole 'but you're a princess' speech. I've heard that one too many times!" Then she put her hoof back on the ground. "Anyway... about those four ponies..."
Applejack nodded. "Name them. Hopefully I can tell y'all."
"Pinkie - uhh... Pinkamena... Rarity... Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy."
She tilted her head. "Strange combination..." the mare commented, tapping her chin. "Well, like I said, I know Pinkamena. She lives on a rock farm not too far from 'ere. Fluttershy... uhh..." her voice trailed off, staring into the distance.
"Yes?" Twilight urged.
"She lives outside the Everfree Forest," she finally rasped, "I wouldn't risk it though... she controls all those animals in there."
Twilight raised a brow. "But... she cares for them... right?"
Applejack shrugged. "Heck if I know. Never met her in person."
"Oh.... what about Rarity and Rainbow Dash?"
"Rainbow Dash? She's a weather pony who lives in Cloudsdale. Rarity... I know who she is, I don't know what she does though."
Twilight looked towards the village and thought for a second. "I'll leave those two until last," she said, "anyway, can you show me where Pinkamena lives?"
Applejack grew and uncertain look, glancing at her work, then back to Twilight.
"I'm not sure I can... It would be best if I stayed here and worked."
"Why? What are you afraid of?" Twilight gave a pitiful look to her would-be friend. The farm pony hesitated to answer, but then she sighed.
"It's how it is. If I abandon my duties, I get my punishment."
"Do you want it to be like this?" The alicorn raised a brow.
"Nopony in their right mind would wan' it to be like this."
"Then come with me, Applejack. Help me change this world... help me bring harmony back!" She picked up her orange hooves with her own, staring to her eyes. Applejack blinked, then looked at the ground.
"Why me though? I'm just a work horse on a farm, with just my two siblings. What change could I make?"
Twilight smiled. "Just trust me on this one."
---
Luna trotted around the perimeter of the castle, staring up at the tall pillars that towered over her. Seeing her old home should bring back happy memories - but it didn't. She couldn't actually name anything different about the castle's appearance, but there was something about it that seemed so... sinister.
No matter, Luna, she thought to herself, you're here to reform your sister. Or... your other sister. You get the memo...
Her face was hidden by the shadow of her black hood she was wearing, which was made by Discord. Thankfully, making cloths wasn't on the list of forbidden spells for him. Though she wasn't really aiming to be spotted by anyone, if anything unfortunate happened, she'd remain a mystery.
Luna made sure her hoofsteps were light as she slowly walked through an entrance that she knew not many ponies used. So far so good. She kept walking down the corridor, being cautious that she didn't attract any unwanted attention.
And with each step, her uncertainty grew.
I don't even have a plan...
Pride had convinced her to come here without the help of her sister.
"Maybe you should analyze your plan first..." she had said. But Luna had refused to wait any longer.
"I'll know what to do, honest."
To think she once wielded the Element of Honesty. Or any of those elements... Honesty, Loyalty and Laughter. She hadn't realized any changes within her in the time of her return, until that one Nightmare Night.
"Fun? What is this 'fun', thou speakest of?"
How could the Element of Laughter forget what fun is? She always had fun as a filly - scratch that, all her life, minus those thousand years isolated from home. When she asked Celestia about this, her explanation confused her.
"When you transformed into Nightmare Moon, you betrayed your elements. When you were reformed, you were also reborn. I think that's why you looked like you did. But you no longer had connection to the elements you once had, meaning all things to do with them was forgotten. At least... I think."
You think. You always think. She was thinking right now. You think automatically.
So that's how this was going to work.
---
"But... I don't get it. You said you've never been here before, yet y'all know about some of the most least known of ponies?" Applejack asked, as the two ponies trotted through the worn out area.
Twilight looked uncertainly to the side. "Well... uh... I'll explain once I've got those four ponies together. Saves me explaining it over and over again, because it's a long, complicated story."
The farm pony gave her a confused and curious look, then drew her attention back to the path ahead. "Welp, there it is," she stopped, and raised a hoof to a small house up ahead, surrounded by a field with dead trees and of course, rocks. "Tell me about what happens when I see ya again," she said, as she turned around to leave.
"Wait!" Twilight called, making her stop, "You're not coming?"
Applejack shook her head. "Once y'meet Pinkamena, half ya happiness is thrown out the window. She's that miserable," a light hint of bitterness appeared on her face, "y'all need skill to make a pony more miserable than they already are in Equestria."
What she said really shocked Twilight, but she moved it aside. She knew they had to stick together.
A true true friend helps a friend in need...
"She wasn't born like that. Trust me when I say, she can bring joy to a whole town by literally singing a three minute song."
The earth pony shrugged. "Maybe once, but I can't imagine her turning back now."
That made the princess all the more curious. "What do you mean by, 'maybe once'?"
Applejack hesitated, then she sighed, "It all started 'bout fifteen years ago..."
Pinkamena watched as her father closed the door, despite herself still standing outside. She sighed, again, recapping the little life that she had. Wake up... go outside... farm rocks... not eat all day... then eat maybe a small dish of stale hay, farm more rocks, keep farming rocks, then stop once you drop out of exhaustion. Oh... how there was something missing. Something that could make her life all the more better. Something-
A loud noise and a bright, colourful light interrupted her. She looked up into the night sky and gasped as she watched seven colours, all at once, scattering along the sky above her. A strong gale also followed it, not quite keeping up, however. It was so strong that it blew back her mane and puffed it up. She blinked open her eyes as soon as there was no need to shield them from the slicing wind, and they widened at the sight that had been left over from what the heck just happened.
A curve in the sky... with seven colours. She surprised herself when she could name them all in order... Red... Orange... Yellow... Green... Blue... Indigo... and Purple. What was it called when those colours appeared in the sky?
A rainbow! That was it.
Oh, she never thought she'd see one! No, scratch that, she never thought she'd seen anything beautiful at all! She had never considered herself lucky... so lucky to have seen something to make her...
Smile.
A wide grin was spread across her face. An expression caused by a feeling she'd never felt before.
Happiness.
The little filly didn't want to stop. She wanted to stay happy... she wanted to bring joy to the world! And she knew how, she would show her family the beautiful rain-
Her frown returned as she watched it fade away. It didn't stop her happiness exactly, since she still remembered it, and she was grateful for seeing it in the first place. But how in Equestria was she going to make family smile?
Hmm...
---
"I know this part..." Twilight sighed. Pinkie, at home, had told her many times. She didn't need to hear it again.
"Err... how?" Applejack tilted her head.
"You'll find out soon enough. But yes, I know, she makes a party for her family, they get happy, and she get's her cutie mark."
The farm pony blinked. "H-how did y-"
"Nevermind... just tell me how she's now... miserable."
Applejack nodded. "Well... you see, after that, she wanted to spread the happiness to our little village..."
---
"Hello there! What's your name?" Pinkamena asked a scruffy and battered grey-blue filly. The first thing the small pink mare noticed, however, was her eyes, which were strangely crossed over.
The filly seemed rather scared to speak at first. Pinkamena gave a smile. "I won't hurt you or anything, I just want to know your name!"
"D-Derpy..." the filly whispered.
"Well hello Derpy!" Pinkamena grinned, "I'm Pinkamena. But that's a mouthful, don't you think? What do you think would be an abbreviation of that?"
Derpy looked away (both left and right in her case). "Umm... what does abbreviation mean?" she whimpered.
"It means like... a shortening of something. Why did you seem so afraid to ask?"
The pegasus sniffed, "I'm stupid... I can't do anything right."
"Aww, who told you that?" Pinkamena tilted her head, giving the poor filly a pitiful look.
"Everpony," she murmured, "I mess everything up."
"Like, you're clumsy?"
Derpy nodded. Pinkamena tapped her chin. How could she cheer her up?
"Well, it's not your fault you were born with cross-eyes!" she gave a grin. Her sentence didn't really cheer the pegasus up though, so she carried on, "But that's what makes you special! You should be proud to be who you are!" She gave her a nudge on the shoulder. Derpy didn't smile, but her frown was gone.
"You think I'm special?" She widened her eyes.
"Are you kidding? I'm sure you're more than special!" Pinkamena almost lifted her up the ground with her two front hooves. That made Derpy, not only smile, but laugh.
"Gee... thanks Pinkieme... uh... Pinkam-" The mispronounce of her name gave Pinkamena the idea.
"Pinkie! That's it!" she cheered. Derpy gave a confused look.
"Huh?"
"Remember when I said I wanted an abbreviation for my name? Well, of course you do, it was a few moments ago, but I just came up with a brilliant idea! Pinkie, that'll be what ponies call me," the newly named 'Pinkie' announced proudly. She then turned back to Derpy. "Thank you Derpy, it's a much more happier name!"
Derpy gave a shy smile. "It was nothing... I just made a mistake pronouncing your name..."
"See? That's what I mean. You may be clumsy, but your 'errors' can become really good ideas! Say, wanna help me with something?"
"Sure you want my help?" Derpy cringed a little.
"Duh!"
"Okay then..."
"I want to throw a party for all of the ponies in this village! Everypony's so miserable. It's really depressing."
"A... a party?" Derpy echoed.
"Yeah! You'll see what it is once I'm done setting it up. It's be a surprise! But a really fun surprise!"
---
"If she was so cheerful, then how is she so miserable now?" Twilight asked. The two were now sitting down, it was taking so long to tell the story.
"I was gettin' to that. So... she and Derpy set up the party for the ponies, of course, a few things fell over and smashed with Derpy helping, but they managed to get it complete. And we all gathered... with a ton of convincing. But, like sompony just flicked a switch, the party just lighten'd us all up. We partied for hours... smiles everywhere... until..."
---
"Oh, this little rabbit is so cute!" Pinkie squealed as the yellow pegasus held a white rabbit on her hoof.
"Oh... um... thank..you?" she murmured. How Pinkie heard her voice above the loud cheering and music was a mystery.
"You're welcome! Also, I didn't quite catch your name."
"M-my name? Oh... err... it's... Fluttershy..."
"It's what?" Pinkie moved her ear closer the her mouth.
"Um..." The pegasus coughed to clear her throat. "I'm... Fluttershy..." she whispered. Hearing her name just made Pinkie beam.
"Well, nice to meet you Fluttershy!" the pink filly took hold of her hoof to shake it, but ended up shaking her whole body.
"Please stop..." she rasped as she was shaken in the air. Pinkie probably didn't hear her, but she stopped anyway.
"So... where abouts do you-" Pinkie was interrupted by a loud crashing sound. She turned around, her eyes wide, and was shocked to see a familiar, yet frightening face towering over all the ponies around her. The music stopped, no, everything stopped. Everpony bowed. But it was more out of fear than respect. Everpony except for Pinkie, that is.
Pinkie stayed standing, looking in horror at the destruction the pony had caused. "My party! Oh no!" she wailed. But as she finished, she was suddenly lifted off the ground and brought face to face with a dark coloured mare.
"Oh... um... hello Queen Nightmare Moon..." she whimpered, forcing her smile to stay on her face.
"So thy is the one hosting this party, art thou?" she growled, "We do need a word with you."
"But there's only one of you..." Pinkie pointed out. Nightmare Moon raised a brow, but then shook her head back into her original expression and glared into her with her sharp pupils.
"Okay, one, that's how the Royal Canterlot Voice works, and two, no there isn't," she hissed. Pinkie looked over the Queen's shoulder, and noticed a white, fiery figure. Though, she paid no heed to Solar Flare, and focused on the one holding her tightly with her magic.
"Look, my Queen, I'm sorry I didn't invite you here but-"
"I didn't come here to be invited!" she interrupted her, "I came to collect my food storage today, and guess what? Nothing and nopony was there-" she moved closer to Pinkie's face until their noses were touching, "-all because of this party, which was hosted by you," as she said the last word, the magic around Pinkie's neck tightened even more, causing her to give out a choking sound.
"Hey! Put her down, you're hurting her!" Derpy called from behind her.
"Silence!" Nightmare Moon commanded, followed by Solar Flare leaping over to the little filly and covering her mouth with her fiery mane.
"MMMPHMPPHM!" Derpy mumbled. Pinkie managed to strain her neck over to look at her, and saw Solar Flare giving Derpy a pitiful look. But Pinkie knew it was all for taunting.
"What was that, dear?" the white alicorn urged, loosening her grip on the mouth.
"Your mane burns!" the cross-eyed pegasus repeated.
"Then don't interrupt my sister," she spat, letting the filly go. Derpy immediately bowed back down, not making eye-contact with either of them.
"Back to you," Nightmare Moon turned back to Pinkie, "I do not allow my subjects to waste their lives partying when they should be working for their Queen. Now, if I ever catch you doing this again, I'll-"
"Do what?" Pinkie screeched, making everypony gasp, "I threw this because sadness was everywhere. We need more joy in this place, and that's just what I was born to do! I even have a cutie mark representing it!" She showed her flank to the Queen. It was a struggle for her to speak, however, when there was a tight magic around her neck.
But then it got tighter, to the point where she couldn't speak, barely breath. She tried to protest, but she couldn't work her voice. Nightmare Moon snarled, showing her unnatural-looking fangs.
"Listen, you little filly. I don't like it when ponies question my orders. This... partying... is banned, for the reasons I've given you. Don't answer back - that's how it works.
"Th...then why won't you let ponies be happy?" she rasped, using all her energy to even make her words understandable. And it was those words than made the alicorn snap.
"Because, it's not fair!" she screeched, throwing the pink mare across the room. Everypony watched her in mid-air in awe, and cringed, even Solar Flare, as she smashed against the wall. Derpy stood up and rushed over to her, ignoring everypony's wild panic and fleeing. The Queens had left, had making their point.
"P...Pinkie? Are you okay?" she whispered, nudging her. The back of her head was bleeding, and her mane was no longer puffed up and fluffy, but instead straight. She could also see her colours were more dull than before.
Just when Derpy thought she wasn't going to respond, the filly stood up on her two front hooves, but kept her back ones spread out on the floor.
"Don't call me that..." she murmured, rubbing her neck. Derpy saw that there was a scar marking it.
"Huh?"
"I...there's no point, is there?" a tear rolled down her face, "I don't know why I even tried..."
"Pinkie-"
"I'm Pinkamena, not Pinkie," the filly groaned. "Just leave me alone Derpy... I don't want to face anypony right now, if ever."
"Pinkie..."
"GO!"
Derpy flinched at her sharp tone, and fled out the destroyed room. Leaving Pinkamena in the dust.
In depression.
---
Twilight stared at Applejack.
"How do you know all of this?"
The farm pony closed her eyes and sighed, "she told her story at that party - I was also there. I watched as she got hurt, and I eavesdropped until Derpy ran off. I felt bad for leaving... but I didn't know what to do. I was so shaken up."
The princess shook her head. How can two of her idols be so cruel, to the point where the Element of Laughter becomes Discord-ed without magic?
I feel as if you named the title wrong, because Twilight only met Applejack in this dimension...
have to agree with him
5029964 ...I was going to make a smart reply, then I realized you're right.
What the heck was I thinking when I named the chapter?
Featured 09/20 as well :D Congrats! I will absolutely settle down to read this shortly :3
5030327 Yay! thanks for taking time to read it C:
And it actually gets featured every time I update it... to my surprise
Wow, I just noticed the story in the "Latest Updates Box" and read it through. I sure do love the concept and idea behind this, as well as the development of the story and your world building.
All in all it's a good story and I'm definitely going to follow it's future development. However, I would be lying if I said that it was an exceptionally good story. It is not, even though it in fact has the potential to be.
The main problem that I see is, that the characters actions lack deepness. For one thing, a little bit more tension would do the story some good. Let them have secrets from each other.
Celestia has obviously some common past with Discord, which is always a good idea to create suspense. But you don't really use the opportunity this gives you. In you story, you bluntly tell that there is a common past and that it somehow affects their relationship. This of cause makes me as the reader wonder what it might be, but I don't really care much, since I can't see why it matters. To change this, you could for example build in some tension between the two and drop in hints on a past conflict, however, without revealing it. That way, you can make the reader wonder and care about what it might be.
Also, it would make Twilight and Luna wonder, what Celestia is hiding from them, which brings me to my second point: Internal Monologue.
Since you write out of Twilight's perspective most of the time, it would be great to know what she thinks and not just what she says. There are, in fact very few points in your story, where you get the impression that a character thinks anything more than what he says.
Just take the part where Celestia, Luna, Discord and Twilight discuss their plans. Wouldn't Twilight evaluate them? Wouldn't she maybe think, that Luna's plan to free Solar Flare from Nightmare Moon's influence might be fueled by her love for her sister? After all there is no real prove that Solar Flare isn't truly evil and the outcome in such a case might be disastrous. Wouldn't she maybe also have doubts about her own plan? There is a large chance it might be a massive waste of time.
I guess that she would think a lot about missing her friends. Or scowl herself for not taking enough precautions with the spell. She could even blame Celestia, since it was her idea to simply cast the spell without knowing the outcome. She could wish to return home and at the same time feel guilty for this because it would leave the citizens of the alternate universe to Nightmare Moon's wrath. She could also have doubts about being able to safe this universe.
All of these are of cause just suggestions. The Twilight in your story is your character and its your decision what she is like. The important thing is firstly that you know for yourself what your characters are like and what they think and secondly, that you don't express this too bluntly, but rather indirectly through hints.
Generally, just remember the "Show, don't tell-Rule". Of cause you shouldn't use it all the time, but in your story it wouldn't harm to use it way more often.
5030574 Woah, long comment.
Anyhow, thank you for the advice/suggestions/etc. I am actually going to expand on Celestia and Discord, most likely in the next chapter, since they weren't in chapter 13.
And I agree when you say I should use 'show not tell' more often, it's just my fear of being too subtle that gets in the way. I fear that the reader won't be able to follow the story and loose interest - but that's just me.
I'll also mention I probably picked the three most hardest characters to write to be the main characters... Celestia and Twilight especially. But it's fun anyhow - that's why I'm writing this. For fun
5030619 I know. When I saw how long it has actually gotten, I was surprised myself. Just take the time I put into this as apprehension of your story.
As for being too subtle, I don't think that you have to worry too much about it. There a basically three options:
1. The reader does not even realize you are hinting at something. This obviously won't drive him away, because he doesn't even realize he is missing something.
2. The reader does realize you are hinting at something, but does not know what. This makes the reader interested, because he want's to find out what it is. If the subject behind the hints becomes clearer in the later story it might also produce an Aha-effect.
This would only drive the reader away if you did this all the time, so that it becomes hard to actually follow and understand the story. As long as you do the subtle writing mainly in the emotional part and write the story progression openly, this hardly will become an issue.
3. The reader understands what you are hinting at. If this happens rarely he will feel proud. If it happens all the time, you are probably being too unsubtle.
So as long as the subtility doesn't keep you from following the story, I don't think that you can be too subtle. But maybe that's just my stupid way of thinking.
5030718 Don't worry, I defiantly will, maybe in some of my other stories too
And stupid way of thinking? Those three hints gave me three boosts of confidence
5033972 Oh Celestia, you have such a way with words!
5034124 Plot twist: Vinyls and alicorn in this fanfic.
Well, who wants to make Pinkie to stop murdering everypony in sight?
5034983 This looks like a mission for...
Lesson Zero Twilight!
Actually... that just gave me a good idea.
By good I mean it might break the universe.
5034996
Breaking the universe? Yep, Pinkie, Discord, or Surprise is involved.
5035880 I'll need a TARDIS, maybe I can glue it back together.
Why "princess", all the alicorns AJ knows about are queens.
You are mane burns!
5029964>>5030070>>5030284 What was it?
Chapter 13 didn't seem to be as well written as the previous ones. One particular line really got me:
"Forget it. Forget my efforts... my destiny... my happiness."
This line felt very out of place, even for this dystopian world.
1.) The wording itself felt very out of "Pinkie" for her. I don't know what else she could have said but I feel it could have been written a different way.
2.) My Destiny - Nowhere does Pinkie ever mention that this was some grand destiny for her to make ponies happy. Yes, she wanted to make ponies happy but never in canon or in how you depict her does it ever imply to the reader she considered it her destiny.
3.) My Happiness - more of the wording again. This line really felt the most out of place in the entire story so far. I really want to re-write this line but I can't really think of how without understanding more of Pinkie's background in this story.
Overall though, I enjoy parallel dimension stories and hope it continues to be an enjoyable ride.