• Member Since 10th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 5th, 2012

pegasister16


T

This is my first fanfic, so please post constructive critisism.
I've always liked the idea of Rainbow Dash and Applejack, just because they're so perfect for eachother. There is a scene where they hook up, which is why it's rated teen. However, I don't write clopflics, (mainly because I'm crap at describing sex) so there aren't any erm... details xD
Hope you enjoy it :D

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 38 )

Sorry this chapter was so short guys :unsuresweetie: There might be a lot of chapters, just really short. Anyway, let me know what you think :derpytongue2::rainbowwild::duck:

7 chapters for only ~3600 words is very short - there are many fics where a single chapter can be double or even triple that length. Such length in the chapters definitely shows, as anything less than a thousand words is entirely too short for much of anything to even happen. Your pacing definitely needs some work.

Your first fic and it's plainly called "AppleDash"
I haven't honestly read it yet, though this has been selected as the one story for me to read and review *Probably because it was the first one I saw at the moment* ahem...okay then. You're right the chapters should be longer. short chapters like this fail to catch the reader. It's hard to convey any kind of point in 400 words. I'm off to read it....

And, I've read it. So, here's the deal; I'm not trying to bash on your fic, by any means. Remember that, this is just helpful criticism! :D

Point #1: Your plot -- Well, this was as generic as it gets when it comes to shipfics. This is a very simplistic plot with very little conflict, that ultimately, is a little boring. Next time, I would suggest taking a considerable time to plan out a unique plot that you, yourself can relate to and turn into something magical. Being a writer myself, I tend to take at least a week coming up with ideas surrounding a general topic I want to work with. One thing I can suggest is sitting down at something like a google doc, or by hand on paper, and just writing down any and all ideas that come to mind -- no matter how crazy they are. If you have an idea to have Luna be some space alien or something (Don't ask, I'm a weirdo :twilightblush:) then take it down. You may not use it, but at least it's there.

Point #2: Your Dialogue -- Your dialogue seems a bit a flat, though it's decent seeing as this is your first fic, and maybe first try at fiction in general? Mastering dialogue takes time and practice, but with a skilled hand, it can become your best friend when writing. Now, to explain what I mean by 'flat.'
Basically, when I read this, it just feels like your characters are talking at each other, rather than with each other. I'm not really feeling the connection, you know? There were some lines in here that I honestly can say I enjoyed, but overall you could use some work. This doesn't really fall under this point, but I also liked how you would occasionally delve into the character's mind to show us a bit of what makes them tick. The only suggestion I have is to expand on that even more, character development is key in a story, and the more developed they are, the easier it is to connect with them. Also, when you write a line of dialogue, try saying it aloud to see if it flows correctly and sounds good.

Point #3: Sensory Details -- To put this plainly, describing the scene around and actions in vivid detail. Rather than "telling us" what something is, show us through details. Like, when Applejack was at the flower-shop buying flowers for Dash, you simply told us she was nervous. As a reader, that's not very fun, and can be a little boring if overdone. To spice it up, you could explain to us what she was doing that signal she was nervous, and for what reason. For instance, she could be knocking her jaw, tapping her hoof, etc. This also goes for scenery, the surrounding area. When you introduce the reader into a new area, pretend that we have no idea what it looks like, because we generally don't. I imagine you have the image in your head of what you're trying to convey, so, let us have it. We should be able to /feel/ the scene around us.

Overall: I see you have potential as a writer, just remember to work on describing things better, making your dialogue seem more realistic, and have better flow, and make sure to work on that plot! The best stories are never this simple! I would also suggest looking into finding a prereader. There are many groups on the site devoted to just this very thing. Happy hunting, keep writing, and have fun!:)

Twilight always tells Spike to `Take a letter``

Most of the story wasn`t bad, especially for a first work. :twilightsmile:

You said this was your first Fic, and reading through it, I'm guessing that's true; this reads a hell of a lot like some of my early work (not on this site, not in this fandom, but enough of me.) Anyway, there's a hell of a lot of pointers I could have used back then that i didn't get, so I'll be damned if I'm not going to give them to you now. Whether or not you take them, or even read on after this point, is very much up to you.

Anyway, enough of that: editor's hat, go! :derpyderp1: (A fair warning; I tend to seem a bit cranky when this comes on. Sorry for any offense caused.)

To start off with, this isn't bad; it's not good either, but it's far from terrible. You've seemed to navigate past the pitfalls of Mary Sue-ism and over-the-top spelling errors, but crash landed on the horrible shores of cliche and under-pacing. This story has a plot that's not just repeated throughout the Fandom, but pretty much throughout humanity in general. If you plan on using it, you have to bring something new to the table: some clever way of twisting the ending or adding in extra elements to the tale. And you didn't, I'm afraid. :fluttershysad:

As for the pacing, this needs it. Badly, particularly given that you've separated what could have worked as a one-shot into a seven chapter romp through AJ and RD's personal lives. Adding in extra details which have literally nothing to do with the main plot would have worked here, especially in descriptions. Describe the settings, the characters, their emotions, their plans, their worries: describe everything down to the finest detail possible for something like this. You're trying to go for a sense of realism here, trying to draw the reader in, so don't just go for normal sentences, like "Suddenly there was a knock at her door." Add in extra, especially if it's fine detail that comes from the character's perspective; anything to make the reader feel like they're there rather than just reading words on a page. As it stands, I've got half a feeling that the characters are just holding up placards saying how they're feeling at a particular stage, and that's not what I should be thinking.

Thirdly, the extra parts added. Why is Scootaloo in Rainbow's house? Why are they both living in Cloudsdale? WTH is going on? You've thrown in a lot of extra bits without explaining them. Avoid that, avoid it like the plague. If you want to include it, give us some explanation (maybe Rainbow's babysitting Scoots?) Anything other than just including it without giving us a reason why.

The next thing is characterisation, and this is where I stop being such a meany pants; you did well here. Your characters speak like they come from the show and, if they'd been doing more than just following age old dance steps, they act like they do. That is something you need to keep a tight hold off; take it from someone who's only just managed to grasp it properly themselves. The only complaint I'd have here would be that you introduced unnecessary side characters who cluttered up the place by default. Pinkie appears from out of nowhere and with no real purpose (normal, I know, but still: a problem). Big Mac walks in, carries forwards the plot a few feet and then retires to be never seen again. Things like that in a Fic this small just tend to make it seem short, bunched up and under-developed. Try and be minimal in your use of characters, especially side-characters. Always try and re-use them if you can.

Lastly, spelling: you did great, and believe me, in fan-fiction that's a huge plus. Part of the reason why I've written this much is that you've obviously put a lot of time into this, so you deserve to get something more than either flames or a casual pat on the back, and I'd be surprised if there weren't flames (more from the fact this is shipping, and other shippers don't like ships they don't ship. I love saying that :twilightsmile:)

Oh, actually there was one mistake I caught; you used "Rainbow Dahses" rather than "Rainbow Dash's" at one point. After all, there is only one Rainbow Dash. :rainbowdetermined2:

And... editor's hat is off. :derpyderp2:

Final thing left to do is tips: read, and read a helluva lot. Find the fics you like and figure out why you like them: is it the style, the writing, the plot, the characterisation? Find out what it is and dissect it, mercilessly. Then discover what makes them tick and steal it for yourself. I'd start off on Thanqol's Yours Truly if I were you: it has pretty much the same plot, but with a lot more going on in the background, nifty execution and is paced brilliantly.

One of the things I find useful is to wait before writing anything down, even if I'm convinced I'll forget it. If it's a good idea, you'll find that you remember it/are still mulling it over a few days later. Then write it down and play around with it: go crazy and stay crazy for as long as possible. If you need someone to bat ideas of, I can make a more than handy wall.

Finally, and this is a final final, the homosexual device that's kinda tacked on here. I'm not sure if this is me reading too much into it, or even if this is the correct place to discuss it, but it feels... personal. If it is, then I can only say two things. First, either keep it out or make it the main device. I know that's sounds harsh, but there's no other way to say it; at the moment it just feels like something you've toyed around with on the sidelines. If that's your muse, then make it the goddamn centre piece: have Rainbow Dash suffer through the entire spectcle of people being shity to other people of, and make us her audience. It'll hurt like hell but, if well written, would make for one awesome fic.

Secondly, and now it's my turn to be cliche, it gets better (unless I've completely misjudged this, in which case it'll... stay the same? :unsuresweetie:) You've already managed to stumble into a Fandom dedicated towards not being shitty towards each other, so just keep on chugging away: I can assure you this is the right track.

Thankyou everyone for your help! I will definitely try and make my chapters longer in my next one, this fic wasn't very good because it was rushed a little. I've come up with a better storyline for my next story anyway! :pinkiehappy::rainbowkiss::twilightblush::derpytongue2:

Having gone over your story, I have to echo the criticism voiced here. I don't feel that the plot has to be so much 'unique' but I do have to ask:

What are you trying to say with your story? Yes you like AppleDash as a couple, but what about that couple strikes your fancy?

Part of the problem with this story is there are any number of points in here that, if a few were properly developed, could furnish a solid basis for a story. But as it's set out the story just rushes through the plot beats. And hence the events never acquire much meaning. It might be worth thinking about what you like about them as a couple, and what sort of story you could build on those points

For example, you have Dash confess her crush to Applejack and Applejack runs off in fear because she's not ready to accept her own sexuality. Yet besides AJ being sad, there's never any real tension for that arc to build somewhere. If she actually struggled with the decision, and if the audience was presented with some real, vivid reasons for this fear, you could build a good story about it. For example, more vivid descriptions of AJ's fear would have involved the audience more and given you a chance to practice descriptive prose. Clashes with her family or ponies around her would have provided a source of outward conflict. Both could have also served as a more compelling source of tension in the story as well as throwing Applejack towards her friends more for support. Or for that matter, it could serve to bring Rainbow Dash into a more active role in the story instead of just wallowing in anguish. She actually had experience dealing with such prejudice, so in some ways it's logical for her to step in, over and above her wounded pride, to help AJ with this (whether or not she necessarily knows AJ feels the same way). It might also in my mind help draw out some of the crucial differences between the two characters where a lot of people have complained about the ship on the grounds that RD and AJ are too similar. Yet AJ is very oriented towards tradition, family, and community obligations, whereas Dash will happily blow those off in favour of her own desires or her own personal loyalties she has chosen.

This is not necessarily all above and apart from the other considerations raised. Sometimes thinking about the purpose and themes behind a story helps to focus things like where you put the weight of your descriptive prose (i.e.; writer Graham Greene who wrote stories intensely focused on the personal conscience of his characters also effectively used scenery to reflect their mood) or choosing what events to put in the story or what characters (i.e.; you consciously chose to diverge from the cartoon by making Scootaloo Dash's little sister, but what does that add to the story?) Hopefully this provides some useful points to think about in any future writing you do.

i like it so far i can never get applejacks twang just right when i write her parts in my story but you did great ima read the rest before i make up my mind in if i like it or dislike :scootangel:

well i can't give a HUGE description like them but i liked it like everypony else said it could be longer:scootangel:

Thankyou everyone. I'm currently writing a new fanfic and your help will be seriously appreciated! :twilightsmile::duck::trollestia::rainbowkiss::derpytongue2:

First?

Also, Scootaloo is Rainbow Dash's sister?:rainbowhuh:

:ajsmug:May be short but... (impression of Applejack) Ah jus' bout' reckon, Ah really like it! :rainbowkiss:

Ehhh... How is AJ walking on clouds..? Shes an earth pony :pinkiegasp:

You no dash and scoot arnt related right?:rainbowhuh:

I wasn't really looking for any grammatical errors, but you seemed to do well in that area. I liked it, but at at some points it contradicted itself and was needlessly repetitive. I also felt it was very childish, like if it wasn't about filly-fooling it could be a real plot of a kid's show. That being said, you did well for your first Fic.

Why am I here? :rainbowhuh: I'm a frickin 10 year old girl.

Awsum. :rainbowkiss:
But i confused too when they do it in Dashie house on the clouds. :rainbowderp:

umm what just happened? it went by like a blur

umm only comment on this?

1827826 cloud walkin spell dummie :twilightsheepish::pinkiehappy:

No your not the only comment see now I will comment with you:pinkiehappy:

A good way to start a story:pinkiehappy:

So far this is a good series:derpytongue2:

I have joined THE COMMENTERS!!!!!!:pinkiecrazy:

What a way to end this chapter

Dash looked into her friend's green eyes and held her gaze.Slowly she inched forward and kissed her. Applejack kissed her back with passion:fluttercry:

WHAT A SERIES:fluttercry::pinkiehappy::raritystarry::derpytongue2:

The greatest answer to give someone....Eeyup.:eeyup:


You have out done your self Pegasister16:trollestia:


WELL DONE!

SUCH A GOOD SERIES OF CHAPTERS!!!.:pinkiecrazy:

And the letter Twilight wrote is a true fact:derpytongue2:

Comment posted by Damcclub deleted Apr 19th, 2016

This is much better than my writing :pinkiesad2:

Comment posted by survivor deleted Apr 23rd, 2016

YYAAASSSSSSS!!!!!!!:ajbemused::twilightblush: :pinkiesmile::twilightsmile:

GG, this is great for a first. All the people who disliked can suck it

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