• Member Since 16th Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen 7 minutes ago

MrAJL


A young man from England, here to read stories, write stories and enjoy his time with friends and family.

T

In the savage land of Skyrim, the Dovahkiin known as Bardac must face one final challenge thrown upon him by the devious minds of an existing god and one who was truly unknown to him. New alliances will be forged, new friendships will be won and lost.

Every ounce of Bardac's skill and knowledge will be put to the test in a world he knows nothing of, where power comes from places which he had never even considered. Worlds apart from what he knows, in a land where peace reigns, will he be able to adapt or will this time of content push his mind to the limit and beyond.

Chapters (16)
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Comments ( 414 )

The rewrite has begun!

Also a personal apology to all the comments made before the rewrite as they are no longer viewable. I hope you enjoy the new version of this story as much as the last.

Well, there was a WRITE review on here, but due to the contents of said review, a full rewrite is now under way. Just putting this here for posterity, so that MrAJL doesn't get shit for deleting it. With a rewrite in progress the original review wouldn't apply, anyway.

hmmm nice. I see events has changed and I for once am happy for that. Would have been boring to read the exact same story once more, so I welcome change a lot and is eagerly awaiting what other things will change. I can also easily see an improvement in this chapter alone as everything is just described better and felt more flowing. At least for me.

5645855

Thank you very much for the comment, I'm glad to see that you think there's an improvement.

Personally I saw nothing wrong with the last story:applejackunsure:, and I am rather picky about what I read, but if that's what you wanna do fine, maybe this one will be better:pinkiehappy:

5645910

I really hope it will be.

I really liked the other story but i'm okay with a rewrite, and so far this seems to be going smoother so far. really liked it, keep up the good work.

I'll be honest, I like how this one is starting. But I think you should've left the original up and just kept adding the new chapters on, because I started reading the original before your announcement and never got to finish in time.

5647642

I'm sorry to hear you never got finish reading before the rewrite. But, don't worry too much. This new version will be a lot better, hopefully it won't matter that you never got to finish the old one since you'll be enjoying the new one so much. :eeyup:

Bardac is less hot headed now, after the rewrite.

5648034

That was kinda part of the idea as well. I think during the first write. I made Bardac too cocky, too arrogent and a little too quick to fly off the handle. I'm hoping during this version, he'll use more brain and less brawn to solve his problems.

5648162
I LOVE that change! I always though that he acted way to fast without putting much thoughts into his action, consider that he is a hero that have saved the world or Skyrim a few times. Hard to imagine somebody can become a hero that only acts on his feeling. This rewrite is already awsome :)

So far, having read the original, I can say that the rewrite certainly seems to have helped. The pacing seems a bit more relaxed and there's more detail about the world around the action. All in all, I certainly like the changes over the original, especially when I can still spot parts of the original story from in between text. You've certainly fleshed out the bones you started to work on, and I congratulate you on that.

I'll be waiting for more!

5648622

I'm so pleased to hear you say that!

All this positive review has gotten me quite excited for the release of the next couple of chapters.

i must say, although i liked the old version, this outstrips it by quite a bit. the worldbuilding for skyrim is greatly enhanced, and the feel of the story has gone from 'big tough dragonborn tromps through equestria' (which actually did make an interesting story) to 'bardac finds his world turned upside down'. bardac now has more of a personality. props to you, good author, for the masterful rewrite. :twilightsmile:

5654636

Thank you so much for the kind words!

Very interesting rewrite.

I know how he acted in the original when he first came to Equestria was different, but for some reason I can't remember what he did in the first version. The trying to be stealthy method is certainly different, but I forgot what he did originally. What did he do?

5665150

Acted like a douche and basically used more brawn than brain.

5665150 IF I remember correctly he just ran out of the throne room and then taking random turnes that got him in to like a study where he hid for a while before he started running around again and ended up in the courtyard

Wow this is awesomeyou a likeand a fav:pinkiehappy:

Is there going to be some major change or you are just going to be fixing some minor problems regarding his character? I can kinda see where this is going but am not entirely sure.

5665725

The next few chapters will be entirely new. Just a slight spoiler :eeyup:

Haha I actually like this better then the magic duel against Celestia amd Luna, though the duel was awsome

5665768
Cool aid, i cannot wait for the next chapter then :twilightsmile:

Great chapter. Better than the old version.

Yet again, the ponies invoke the trope of "Disproportionate Retribution" against the story's protagonist. A slight shove performed against a pony is answered with a bronco kick to the head or torso. It's a wonder that an ultra-jumpy species like the ponies ever made it past inter-species diplomacy. One cough or sneeze from anything not a pony results in a rabid herd of ponies swarming and beating the utter shit out of the poor soul.

While I was slightly disheartened by the sudden rewrite/reboot of the story, I am happy to say that I'm glad that you did. The story is progressing along more fluidly than the original story did. Keep up the good work, AJL!

5665364
Hmmmm...in that case, good job.

5665981

While I agree with what you said if he just appeared in Equestria without any trouble.

The fact he arrived and almost decapicated Celestia at the same time... then offered no explanation AND legged it. I would say that's cause for concern.

I would say they have every right to treat Bardac as dangerous. :moustache:

this is shaping up to be just as good7better than the previous one :3 sad to see the old one gone, but at least we get a decent replacement :D

quick question: How often will this update? faster/slower/same than the old one? or more regularly?

5666930

Well, depending how many new chapters I need to add, I'm not entirely sure how I can answer that.

However, I will be dedicating a lot more time to this rewrite than I did to the original story, or at least try to.

Hmm, I'm definitely liking this better so far.

Never take a Nord's Mead.

I have to say, the rewrite is infinitely better than the original. I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter.

i like this version quite a lot better. i like that bardac isn't just friends with the ponies almost instantly. that said, i'm looking forward to seeing how he does make up with them.
fahbo pruzah kroson, verotiik

so this story i was reading on my phone while im bored. At a rate of 1 chapter every 3 days. I hit the next chapter button and BAM. story homepage. Gg. Bardic who im guessing is a troll was about to foght a manticore. Not anymore

And hence forth all ponies will learn this piece of sage advance "Touch a Nord's mead at your own peril."

Isn't the Nord a little overpowered? This honestly reads like a power fantasy right now.

Bardac didn't reply, instead he hopped off the cart and offered the rider the coin which Bardac.

Writing all the way to the end of a sentence can be. :rainbowwild:
Other than that one mistake, the only other problems I saw were various minor issues with punctuation and the occasional incorrect verb tense.

I have to say, I am thoroughly enjoying this rewrite. Before, the beginning seemed rather rushed and thrown together simply to have an excuse as to why Bardac would end up in Equestria. The new buildup to that point makes the intro flow so much better. Also good to see Bardac using his head to escape and analyze the situation instead of charging in a la Leeroy Jenkins this time.

Amatiiv wah rup ziin!
(Onwards to chapter two!)

And once again, I'm finding this rewrite to be leagues and bounds above the previous rendition.

Zu'u voth frin fent saran borii rup.
(I shall eagerly await the next chapter.)

5672042
Oh, trust me, this version of Bardac is tame compared to before the re-write.

Before, he single-handedly took care of all the guards while defending himself against both Celestia and Luna, defeated Luna, and only lost to Celestia because his magic-absorbing shield cracked from all the magic it was absorbing in such a short period of time. When it cracked, the magic backwash caused the shield to explode, blasting him through a brick wall into the forest 1000 feet below. And even though he had massive internal (and of course external) bleeding, based on how much blood was around the mouth area on the inside of his helmet when they find it, he's still able to freeze the entire unicorn battalion (I can't remember what happened with the Pegasus battalion), and by the time he's found about a chapter later, he's been able to use various Restoration spells to the point where he's able to walk without limping. Or maybe he had a small limp, I can't remember that specific detail; he was at least able to walk without assistance, I know that much.

Seriously, the new Bardac has been nerfed harder than Irelia (points if you get the meme reference).

5672789 Nerf'd indeed, but he's still an air-cannon powered Nerf gun with toothpick tipped darts. I think you might need to tone him down a bit more to be believable. His strongest magic and (IMO) sole form of magic should be the Thu'um. All the other stuff seems horribly unnecessary.

5672893

[Sweet Celestia, this ended up being a long comment. My apologies for the WALL-O-TEXT (TM) ]

Well, you also have to remember, he's the Dragonborn, AND this is occurring AFTER the events of Skyrim, so he's going to be fairly experienced. Plus, he hasn't really used much magic OTHER than the Thu'um: Bound Bow, one of the electric spells, and a basic invisibility spell. Well, and whatever the Avatar-esque earthbending thing he did. Apparently, Bardac's Skyrim has mods...

Yeah, he's still OP, but honestly, you ARE pretty damn OP in Skyrim, especially by the end. Hell, I was Level 40-something with Level 100 Bow and Sneak skills just by doing the Dark Brotherhood and Thieves Guild questlines. I hadn't even visited the Graybeards! I could OHKO just about anything, and if I DIDN'T, I just had to hide behind a rock or something until they lost interest, rinse, wash, repeat. My armor rating was like 16 because nothing ever hit me.

Hell, if you REALLY wanna be OP early, there's a sort of 'cheat' at the very beginning of the game. Regardless of who you choose to follow when escaping the dragon, you're temporary companion is coded (both on xbox AND pc) so that he will never attack you, now matter how much you attack him. And since either of them is considered an essential NPC, neither can be killed. By the time you get to the room where the sleeping bear is, you're guaranteed to have a 1-handed weapon and a bow, and you should have picked up a 2-handed weapon off of one the various corpses you've created, plus the basic fire spell. With patience, you can attack your companion to get 1-Handed, 2-Handed, Archery, Destruction, and Sneak (by performing sneak attacks) all to Level 100. You also start with the basic healing spell. Find a good place to cause yourself fall damage, and you can get Restoration to Level 100 as well. AND, if you start as a Breton, you start with the Conjure Familiar spell, so you can get Conjuration to Level 100. DOUBLE AND, since you can make skills Legendary and reset them, you could theoretically level up your character infinitely... ALL IN THE TUTORIAL DUNGEON! I've never done it, since it basically defeats the purpose of playing the game, nor do I have that kind of patience, but it IS possible.

So, yeah, IMHO Bardac is actually at an appropriate OP-ness (and yes, I also giggled like a schoolfilly when I realized what that sounds like) for a standard battlemage post-game.

5673011
Yeah I never messed around with magic, I favored the warrior class with 2 handed weapons and metal working. Honestly? I stopped playing after I got all the Daedra armor lol. Never got to the battle for Sovengard.
But still, you're writing him from the author's point of view where you know exactly what he should do in a situation. You should write him making mistakes and bad-calls on occasion to be more human. I mean the ball's totally in your court, but I'm just telling you what I'd like to see as a reader.

5673043
Well, there's only been two chapters so far, so there's plenty of time for Bardac to make an ass of himself.

And, yeah, I've never even gotten close to finishing Skyrim. M'raq (my Khajiit character; it's pronounced like Mirak from the Dragonborn DLC, but I've been using that name since Oblivion, so SCREW YOU BETHESDA!) gets sidetracked FAR too easily.

M'raq: Alright. The Graybeards have given M'raq his quest. He cannot fail them, nor his country! He must - Ooh! M'raq has not explored this cave yet!
*3 days later*
M'raq: ...Wasn't M'raq supposed to be doing something? .........well, if he can't remember it, it must not have been all THAT important. Come on, Lydia! M'raq saw a video where some guy Fus Roh Dah'd you off the Throat of the World and watched your body ragdoll down the mountain, and now M'raq HAS to try it himself! It will be hysterical!
Lydia: *sigh* I'm sworn to carry your burdens...
M'raq: Damn right. Now, let us be off! Allons-y!
Lydia: I hate him so much...

(Just realized why I've never seen a Skyrim crossover on here where the Dragonborn is a Khajiit. That 3rd-person speech gets annoying REAL fast......... I wonder what an argument between a Khajiit and Trixie would be like............
This is the kind of shit I think of at 5:30 in the morning with no sleep, people. Embrace the madness! It's snuggleh!)

Also, can't tell if you're changing who you were talking to in the 2nd paragraph, so fyi just in case, I'm not the author.

5673113
5673043

Holy crap. This is a lot to respond to, however I would just like to clear a few things up.

Yes, Bardac might seem a little overpowered, but as stated this Bardac is the end result of completing the main story, Dawnbreaker and Dragonborn if we're speaking in game level. As for the Avatar thing he pulled in chapter 1, that was the Telekenetic spell lifting the block of stone which Discord was attached to. When it comes to magic, I don't really want to focus on what it's like to use it in game, more rather what could be done if that spell was to be used in the real world.

Also as for the fact he doesn't seem to be making an ass of himself and knows quite a bit about what's going on despite the fact he's in an entirely new world. Bardac is in his late 40's, he's probably killed more bandits, dragons, trolls and forswarn than the entire population of Equestria. Long story short, he knows his stuff.

As for pointing out that mistake... bugger it. I'll change that ASAP!

5672789

Also you've gotten the rewrite with the original confused. In the original no guards were sent after him.

5673200
....ah... well, that certainly explains why I couldn't remember what happened with the Pegasus battalion :twilightblush:

5673210

Chapter 3 will be completely new and I have something in mind that'll hopefully put Bardac a little out of his comfort zone.

Could you post the original again, I would like to reread it.

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