- Member Since 6th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen Dec 30th, 2018
beetlebootboot
Little Free Time; Eyyyy am back after like 4 years :T
beetlebootboot
Joined 6th Jul, 2014 ·
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This had my curiosity, but now it has my attention.
I thought it was good. You mixed up affect with effect at one point. Carry on.
Two questions:
1. Why can't he eat meat?
2. Why is Fluttershy stuttering?
4661624
1. They never referenced eating meat in the show, so tried to stick to that fact. I'd personally hate not being able to eat meat. Over time it'll be established to the ponies that he's an omnivore, but there's limits of what he can ask for, such as meat.
2. 'Cause I like it. :p
She's not going to get any less awkward. She's aimed to be a very toned down version of Stalkershy, just a lot less reference to NSFW, more or less just jealousy and determination. It'll be established why she's acting like she is eventually, there's a reason for it aside from the conveyed reason so far.
well, this fluttershy is becoming creepy.
Oh Damn... Well, it's time to see what rough beast slouches toward Bethlehem to be born. This has proven to be entertaining, and honestly I've enjoyed the characterization so far. I shall keep watch to see what else you bring to the metaphorical table.
Man... First you scare me with the dream. And now this.The dream monster changing the memorised song to give out hints of his headaches. Then warnings in form of headaches and now i think that it istn "a" monster it is "him" a phsycolocigal created monster of himself that comes from a traumatic experiance. It could be that or something else. We all have certanily have heard some ghost stories of demons taking over the mind slowly and the warnings of its rise in power usualy is headaches and dizziness. Thenthe nightmares are interresting. Since it has already proven to know about everything that has happened to him by changing the lullaby therefore ut could be psychological or something "alive". Anyway it is a very intressting story and i hope i dont get nightmares tonight....
wow im liking the first chapter so far
i think the format of the story looks very confusing. the start made think it was dream and wasnt very clear if it was a flashback. using italics on flashbacks or dreams is helpful to let the reader know its a memory or dream.
as for the story i think its taken an interesting turn with the voice in his head although this could just be an hallucination.
wow im really really liking this so far
i like the whole pinkie thing! its like you don't know if she's actually serious or not
also like how stalker/creepy shy is kicking in
oh nice chapter! i loved it
i liking it thus far but the whole abomination thing is feeling a bit cliche now. i thought the nightmare would start being more frequent until much later. still good but eh we'll see how it goes
Well from what has happened. It still says that it is either a psychological "nightmare" or something "alive". But my bits are on the "nightmare" since under his panic caused the EMT's to look similar to the "nightmare" which means that under his trauma the "thing" alter his sight. All that could a demon also do which makes it hard to see which is right. But his dreams also tells that it could be both. The only thing i see that a psychological "nightmare" usualy dont do is asking to be "realesed" which is weird on ots own. And now i need to take a little break since all this have caused me a minor headache
oh wow i LOVE dan an pinkie's relationship thus far! they really complement each other so well
all these warm feels!media.giphy.com/media/yEVs27oMkj9zW/giphy.gif
Is it a coincidence that after i read chapter five and fell asleep i had the weirdeiest dream of my entire life and it was så filled with inceptions and dececptions that i actully scared me....
Hmmm I'm not usually fond of the whole amnesia and/or evil demon entity thingy in the main characters head plots but here it's kinda interesting
4677829 I'm trying to make it a little different each time, the 'abomination' or 'nightmare'. Will say it's trying to antagonize him and a knife to the gut is a pretty good way to antagonize him. There's a pattern, if you can spot it.
I wanted to tone it down in this one honestly, figured I'd work a bit more on the 'romance' part. I didn't want to drag out his recovery, so I just fast forwarded in time with some important bits to a keynote in the main plot, which is being medically examined in Canterlot.
4677176 I tried, I actually don't know how Pinkie would be in a relationship, so just went with the keyword,
'Playful'. And just rolled with my own interpretation of Pinkie showing her affection.
I appreciate all your positive and negative feedback below :D Did not expect so many comments, been itching to see them though.
In Chapter 2, my e̶x̶p̶l̶a̶n̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ excuse for the confusing parts was me writing it while having a headache all day. Apparently writing a few lines about diarrhea and headaches caused me to have them (literally). Will probably have to rewrite it to make a bit more sense later on, I imagine it's pretty jumbled up.
Edit: An important note would be to watch the time line, such as 1 month 1 day, and such. The first chapter is 2 months ahead of when he arrived.
4677986 yeah playful sounds about right. You really nailed her personality in how she would act to show affection. The boop thing? Genius and cute as fuck.
As for the month thing, yeah i realized it by chapter 3 that you were writing it from 1 month in the past so it would eventually catch up to the first chapter which was at month 2. I thought you were going for flashbacks each night he went to sleep showing his past days. It was just a bit confusing.
I didnt expect the pinkie relationship though tbh. You really nailed it thus far. Shes not super over the top obnoxious but shes still playful in her own way, which I really like. I people wrote pinkie like you did she would one of my faves. Theres not many human and pinkie stories around.
4679111 Originally I was going to go with 'honk', but going but your say is why I decided to go with otherwise, she's supposed to be cute; not obnoxious.
Optimism shines through the darkness of someone's mind.
Is there not? I honestly would expect there to be more.
Just released a new chapter, decided to make some more beyond that, at the current pace it's going. Going to be long, or dragged on, depending on the viewpoint. I want to explore more a bit on the characters and how they think of each other.
Edit: 400! c:
It was hard to tell who was talking and who was listening at the time.
4679280 I apologize if the distinction between dialogue is a bit confusing, from my perspective, the focus revolves around interaction rather than speech. I do use a lot of excessive 'he says' and 'she says', your comment is noted :)
Wow I really like how its developing. Hinting at possible bonding time with twi over the week? :3
Glad to see the 1 on 1 honestly. It adds depth to their interactions and developments. Fluttershy getting more and more yandere though. Well shes mildy yandere atm.
4679607 "Maybe"
http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/156/9/3/applejack__i_lied__by_idolikewaffles-d52dyk6.png
Best thing about this response, I literally don't convey yes or no :D
But you'll probably find out soon enough. Going to start the next chapter in a minute for..reasons.
You know, I love the story and all, but all the dialogue starting,
"like this, is" a huge pain in the ass.
4710077 Sorry, is the way I type. I often type in 3 sections when it comes to descriptions or dialogue, so it often comes up like that with several commas.
Is that what you're talking about or are you talking about something else I'm not aware of?
Well this was an " eventful" chapter. And i always suspected that the ear scratch had an effect he did not foresee.
4710497 Just like they do not know his anatomy, he does not know their anatomy! At least in my mind..
I don't know horse anatomy, but I can feel free to speculate on -pony- anatomy and which parts are particularly sensitive. :p Though I mean Pinkie's to be a little more of an overly sensitive case. She doesn't mean to directly imply anything explicit, but she enjoys the reaction she gets from Daniel; she does mean to show that she likes it however.
And on that note, I support this type of reaction as well. https://derpibooru.org/576092?scope=scpe99d082432587469ee7d4a8412b17ed4d0a368ef5
Oh my an update, all I can say is that today was a good day.....keep up the good work!
4710245
It's that you give the dialogue descriptive in the paragraph before the dialogue, rather than in the same paragraph. Sentences shouldn't extend over paragraphs unless there is an ellipsis to hold them together.
Paragraphs denote either a new speaker, or a new idea. In informal writing, poetry, and the common internet-based layouts, they're also commonly used to simulate pauses in thought, or getting lost in thought as part of narration or in actual dialogue, through, perhaps, a instant-messaging service or a forum.
As an example, your style is...
A continuation of the same 'scene', in my personal style, much closer to the standard.
Uh. I accidentally a lot. Anyways, can you tell the difference in the dialogue styles? Yours rather disjoints the speaker and their actions, in a way I find pretty jarring. I find myself having to read things twice or even sometimes three times to figure out who is saying what.
As for your excessive use of commas... well... that's annoying too, but not nearly as bad as the dialogue across paragraphs thing...
4713649 I semi-understand, a difference being that I'm significantly less descriptive of their actions -during- and -before- a conversation.
"-in my personal style, much closer to the standard."
This may be more of a key difference between your explanation and understanding of the way the dialogue flows (or stutters when it comes to mine) ; I'm not accustomed to speaking in a 1st person point of view nor am I experienced with detailing it. I mainly work with a 3rd person perspective, I try to detail any emotion minimally when they interact. Or depending on the area or situation, how they react as fittingly as possible in dialogue.
There is a writing guide that I read before posting a story, but from my understanding I wouldn't say it's a 'standard' per say. Is more of an etiquette guide, highlighting some key notes of discrepancies most commonly associated with writing, or fanfics in general that can be usually deemed by the public as acceptable or unacceptable. 'Acceptable' being a more precise word than 'okay', as not everyone will like it or accept the way it flows or words itself ; which is a given regardless.
I explain the above because I'm not sure if you mean the -site's- deeming of standard or -your- view of what's standard.
To no offense, I might say that I might not live up to your 'standard' as I write (or type) differently, so I don't think I can remedy that if I tried. Even if I do try, may come up even more disjointed. :(
I'm sure you're not telling me to change the way I type things out, but to be aware that the way I do is different and by that logic has a different view that people can't understand or read easily. Your highlights being a good example of that, something short rather than long in it's description, which depending on the 'pause' can either be short or long.
Will take your comment to note, can try experimenting with the style listed above, though I don't think I can word it in that way; I shouldn't expect myself to. I'm accustomed to my style of writing (or typing) so that'll always be a big difference between them, but I can still try to blend them a little to whichever view of 'standard' you're talking about. Would like some clarification on that part by the way.
Again, noted :)
4716172
Though you do have less descriptive writing, that's not at all what I was referring to. Specifically, I was referring to the paragraph spacing in the middle of your sentences.
From this chapter, you have:
The largest errors are that your sentences don't stop at the end of the paragraph, and that your sentences are rampant run-ons. Properly edited, the above might read something like:
In your version of the above, "Daniel grabs a pillow, met with an angered tone" makes the scene feel like Daniel chose to meet with a tone that had been angered, after grabbing a pillow. What I assume you meant was that as a reaction to him grabbing the pillow, someone (Twilight, in this case) either made a noise or said something. The next bit, "Don't even think about it!" in the next paragraph is part of the same sentence, despite the sentence not including any dialogue verbs denoting the actual dialogue, and despite being in a different paragraph.
Alternatives for the sentence could read:
or, perhaps in past-tense:
You fall into the same pitfalls with the second sentence. "She whisks the pillow away from his hands and levitates it above out of his reach," should by itself be a complete thought, thus a complete sentence on its own... not to mention that "above out of his reach" sounds awkward and redundant without a comma and perhaps another word, such as "above him, out of his reach".
The second bit,
should both be in the same paragraph and be a single sentence, separate from the amalgamation above. Honest to Pinkie, the biggest problem I see with your writing is this. Above all else, one paragraph per sentence. This is what I was referring to 'standard', as I can't recall a single published work, nor any unpublished, save for this one that does it so consistently.
I apologize. My example was originally in first person, though that had nothing to do with the errors in your story. I can write first, second and third person rather well (it's mostly the same thing, once you understand the basic narration difference) but I tend to default to first person because... well... my life exists in first person.
I can relate best to that. I hope I've adequately explained the problem...
As for details, you don't need anything extravagant. In fact, it's often a sign of a green author to use sixteen variations of "said" when "shouted", "said" and "whispered". In some of the better stories that come to mind, lots of descriptors are really only used for first introductions, scenes with lots of action, or for visual gags. Really the only thing to look out for is telling instead of showing. For example, instead of "Twilight was mortified as her father brought out the album." you would write something like "Twilight's pupils shrunk once she recognized the album."
I was actually referring to the English standard (the language, not a particular person or site) which... you... uhm... you didn't do well, sorry to say.
Really the only way to improve is practice. And... uhm... honestly, I myself often don't live up to my own standard. It's why most of my stories are either unpublished or are on hiatus or canceled...
Ah... you've confused me, here. Could you elaborate? I'm trying to explain that your formatting is poor, despite a well-enough story behind it. As an analogy, imagine a masterpiece, whether a story, music, what-have-you... as played or told by a novice. The masterpiece is still a masterpiece despite some mistakes in the presentation, but it's not experienced at its full majesty.
Well, I think I've covered the root of the issue. The biggest thing you can do is fix the problem with sentences jumping over paragraph boundaries... that, alone, will improve the readability a great deal, I would think. I've enjoyed the story so far, and I only expect it to improve.
4716648
I may disappoint you on your ending bit. I don't plan to change the way I do write, but make it more sensical; following your suggestion/not suggestion of redoing my poor formatting. I'd have to look up more examples of what you've underlined, but in a whole I choose not to drastically change.
I'll have to study on the specific problem, as for me it's hard to read it/highlight in my head and see what's 'wrong', though to you it's very clear. Much like unlearning a bad habit that you've known to be absolutely fine otherwise; something you haven't realized.
Expect delays then, will have to see what's specifically wrong; for me it's hard to see. Admittedly your thoroughness has made me doubt quite a bit of my own writing, though for me it's hard to see, so am conflicted.
Edit: Noted, I get what you mean (I think). Will try to improve on that end, but may need to edit a bit to do so, around the halfway mark with the next chapter. :)
^This.
I'm finding that, during dialogue, I have to put in at least double the effort to comprehend who's saying what. In an early chapter, I read an entire conversation in reverse. But, the story's so engaging that I put up with it for eight chapters.
That said, the issue is not writing style. Style is... broader. We're talking about sentence structure, which is grammar, which has defined rules. One of which is that sentences are kept within their own paragraph.
But other than that, the actual story is great. I love me some Pinkie love.
But I'm wondering when Flutters will get all 'murder the hypotenuse' yandere. 
....huh...lemme guess, Finger slipped?
4728714 If you're talking about #9, then yes, finger slipped...twice :D
4728714 Alright, did it a third time, though I dropped something on my keyboard this time.
Sorry :p
Huh, Fluttershy really do have a huge case of the Florence Nightingale syndrome.
Maybe it wasent the smartest idea to read this before going to sleep. But i have one big problem. The nightmare. I acts like a psychotic trauma you recive after a traumatic experiance ( Ironic isnt it?). But it also shows signs of life. It acts like a living being or brain parasite. I am having a difficult time figuring it out here. But one thing is sure. It always has the two mares he love the most to steal his sanety with
You're still splitting the sentences over paragraphs, and separating the dialogue verbs from the dialogue itself...
Describing breasts to a pony doctor.......that's awsome!
4741662 Guess I still have a lot to learn, will look over myself right now.
Is 9:13 PM at the time of writing this.
4743202
Example:
...sounds like Pharn was the one booking the train.
But I could tell from 'Time to Seize' that you are getting better. I didn't have to re-read anything from that chapter. Still a few split sentances, but not as noticeable as this chapter.
4744106 Noted, admittedly I reread the chapter right now and can see that mistake, had to reread a few lines myself. :I
Will correct it now, thank you for outlining the specific problem. Have a picture of Aryanne (Nazi pony, good kind) eating a piece of bread like a hamster :D
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JYuW4ImMY6Y/UyZ2t_LHfTI/AAAAAAAAA0A/ortmkfdR2rY/s1600/Aryanne!2.jpg
nice, its always awesome seeing pinkie with dan
holy shit fluttershy is crazy and i love it!
looks like good ol pinks does have the hots for dan
interesting chapter, i see fluttershy getting more creepy by the second or maybe its the nightmare giving the impression of that. speaking of the nightmares i think it would have been better to not have dan having lucid dreams since it closes off other interesting scenes you could have written. the fact that he knows what to expect seems to kill interest in me each time he goes into the dream since its basically always the same gist.
don't know how creepy you intend to make fluttershy but im eager to see hows he turns out. also fking twilight LIEEEEEEEED
that ending sentence though very nice way to end it.
4763207 Will answer the first bit, the first chapter explained that his nightmares have become more and more frequent, more than he can handle. Is why you see more of that now than compared to earlier chapters, as it's getting closer to the two months.
Suspicious Daniel is suspicious. Try to think about it, but don't say your guess!
She had a supposed solution>She told Daniel to go to sleep>Daniel can't sleep because he's getting afraid to. Putting two and two together, you can have a pretty good guess, just don't post it! :p
And this is getting interesting. I will agree with everyone though... Pinkie and him together are cute as button.