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4710077 Sorry, is the way I type. I often type in 3 sections when it comes to descriptions or dialogue, so it often comes up like that with several commas.
Is that what you're talking about or are you talking about something else I'm not aware of?
Well this was an " eventful" chapter. And i always suspected that the ear scratch had an effect he did not foresee.
4710497 Just like they do not know his anatomy, he does not know their anatomy! At least in my mind..
I don't know horse anatomy, but I can feel free to speculate on -pony- anatomy and which parts are particularly sensitive. :p Though I mean Pinkie's to be a little more of an overly sensitive case. She doesn't mean to directly imply anything explicit, but she enjoys the reaction she gets from Daniel; she does mean to show that she likes it however.
And on that note, I support this type of reaction as well. https://derpibooru.org/576092?scope=scpe99d082432587469ee7d4a8412b17ed4d0a368ef5
Oh my an update, all I can say is that today was a good day.....keep up the good work!
4710245
It's that you give the dialogue descriptive in the paragraph before the dialogue, rather than in the same paragraph. Sentences shouldn't extend over paragraphs unless there is an ellipsis to hold them together.
Paragraphs denote either a new speaker, or a new idea. In informal writing, poetry, and the common internet-based layouts, they're also commonly used to simulate pauses in thought, or getting lost in thought as part of narration or in actual dialogue, through, perhaps, a instant-messaging service or a forum.
As an example, your style is...
A continuation of the same 'scene', in my personal style, much closer to the standard.
Uh. I accidentally a lot. Anyways, can you tell the difference in the dialogue styles? Yours rather disjoints the speaker and their actions, in a way I find pretty jarring. I find myself having to read things twice or even sometimes three times to figure out who is saying what.
As for your excessive use of commas... well... that's annoying too, but not nearly as bad as the dialogue across paragraphs thing...
4713649 I semi-understand, a difference being that I'm significantly less descriptive of their actions -during- and -before- a conversation.
"-in my personal style, much closer to the standard."
This may be more of a key difference between your explanation and understanding of the way the dialogue flows (or stutters when it comes to mine) ; I'm not accustomed to speaking in a 1st person point of view nor am I experienced with detailing it. I mainly work with a 3rd person perspective, I try to detail any emotion minimally when they interact. Or depending on the area or situation, how they react as fittingly as possible in dialogue.
There is a writing guide that I read before posting a story, but from my understanding I wouldn't say it's a 'standard' per say. Is more of an etiquette guide, highlighting some key notes of discrepancies most commonly associated with writing, or fanfics in general that can be usually deemed by the public as acceptable or unacceptable. 'Acceptable' being a more precise word than 'okay', as not everyone will like it or accept the way it flows or words itself ; which is a given regardless.
I explain the above because I'm not sure if you mean the -site's- deeming of standard or -your- view of what's standard.
To no offense, I might say that I might not live up to your 'standard' as I write (or type) differently, so I don't think I can remedy that if I tried. Even if I do try, may come up even more disjointed. :(
I'm sure you're not telling me to change the way I type things out, but to be aware that the way I do is different and by that logic has a different view that people can't understand or read easily. Your highlights being a good example of that, something short rather than long in it's description, which depending on the 'pause' can either be short or long.
Will take your comment to note, can try experimenting with the style listed above, though I don't think I can word it in that way; I shouldn't expect myself to. I'm accustomed to my style of writing (or typing) so that'll always be a big difference between them, but I can still try to blend them a little to whichever view of 'standard' you're talking about. Would like some clarification on that part by the way.
Again, noted :)
4716172
Though you do have less descriptive writing, that's not at all what I was referring to. Specifically, I was referring to the paragraph spacing in the middle of your sentences.
From this chapter, you have:
The largest errors are that your sentences don't stop at the end of the paragraph, and that your sentences are rampant run-ons. Properly edited, the above might read something like:
In your version of the above, "Daniel grabs a pillow, met with an angered tone" makes the scene feel like Daniel chose to meet with a tone that had been angered, after grabbing a pillow. What I assume you meant was that as a reaction to him grabbing the pillow, someone (Twilight, in this case) either made a noise or said something. The next bit, "Don't even think about it!" in the next paragraph is part of the same sentence, despite the sentence not including any dialogue verbs denoting the actual dialogue, and despite being in a different paragraph.
Alternatives for the sentence could read:
or, perhaps in past-tense:
You fall into the same pitfalls with the second sentence. "She whisks the pillow away from his hands and levitates it above out of his reach," should by itself be a complete thought, thus a complete sentence on its own... not to mention that "above out of his reach" sounds awkward and redundant without a comma and perhaps another word, such as "above him, out of his reach".
The second bit,
should both be in the same paragraph and be a single sentence, separate from the amalgamation above. Honest to Pinkie, the biggest problem I see with your writing is this. Above all else, one paragraph per sentence. This is what I was referring to 'standard', as I can't recall a single published work, nor any unpublished, save for this one that does it so consistently.
I apologize. My example was originally in first person, though that had nothing to do with the errors in your story. I can write first, second and third person rather well (it's mostly the same thing, once you understand the basic narration difference) but I tend to default to first person because... well... my life exists in first person. I can relate best to that. I hope I've adequately explained the problem...
As for details, you don't need anything extravagant. In fact, it's often a sign of a green author to use sixteen variations of "said" when "shouted", "said" and "whispered". In some of the better stories that come to mind, lots of descriptors are really only used for first introductions, scenes with lots of action, or for visual gags. Really the only thing to look out for is telling instead of showing. For example, instead of "Twilight was mortified as her father brought out the album." you would write something like "Twilight's pupils shrunk once she recognized the album."
I was actually referring to the English standard (the language, not a particular person or site) which... you... uhm... you didn't do well, sorry to say.
Really the only way to improve is practice. And... uhm... honestly, I myself often don't live up to my own standard. It's why most of my stories are either unpublished or are on hiatus or canceled...
Ah... you've confused me, here. Could you elaborate? I'm trying to explain that your formatting is poor, despite a well-enough story behind it. As an analogy, imagine a masterpiece, whether a story, music, what-have-you... as played or told by a novice. The masterpiece is still a masterpiece despite some mistakes in the presentation, but it's not experienced at its full majesty.
Well, I think I've covered the root of the issue. The biggest thing you can do is fix the problem with sentences jumping over paragraph boundaries... that, alone, will improve the readability a great deal, I would think. I've enjoyed the story so far, and I only expect it to improve.
4716648
I may disappoint you on your ending bit. I don't plan to change the way I do write, but make it more sensical; following your suggestion/not suggestion of redoing my poor formatting. I'd have to look up more examples of what you've underlined, but in a whole I choose not to drastically change.
I'll have to study on the specific problem, as for me it's hard to read it/highlight in my head and see what's 'wrong', though to you it's very clear. Much like unlearning a bad habit that you've known to be absolutely fine otherwise; something you haven't realized.
Expect delays then, will have to see what's specifically wrong; for me it's hard to see. Admittedly your thoroughness has made me doubt quite a bit of my own writing, though for me it's hard to see, so am conflicted.
Edit: Noted, I get what you mean (I think). Will try to improve on that end, but may need to edit a bit to do so, around the halfway mark with the next chapter. :)
^This.
I'm finding that, during dialogue, I have to put in at least double the effort to comprehend who's saying what. In an early chapter, I read an entire conversation in reverse. But, the story's so engaging that I put up with it for eight chapters.
That said, the issue is not writing style. Style is... broader. We're talking about sentence structure, which is grammar, which has defined rules. One of which is that sentences are kept within their own paragraph.
But other than that, the actual story is great. I love me some Pinkie love. But I'm wondering when Flutters will get all 'murder the hypotenuse' yandere.
....huh...lemme guess, Finger slipped?
4728714 If you're talking about #9, then yes, finger slipped...twice :D
4728714 Alright, did it a third time, though I dropped something on my keyboard this time.
Sorry :p
nice, its always awesome seeing pinkie with dan