Two unique dragon brothers, Ryujin and Shinigami have a long history of love and hatred between one another. The bitterness in Shinigami's heart causes him to seek out anything weaker than him and put an end to their lives. The younger of the two, Ryujin, seeks to protect everyone he can. While fighting, the two find their way through a portal to Ponyville. While Shinigami seeks blood, Ryujin finds new friends and a greater reason then honor to protect the pony world.
Cover art created by Tamara Willis at www.deviantart.com
Chapters (6)
4735927
It doesn't look like a crossover. Naming your OCs after legends isn't the same as having characters cross over from a different fandom. Besides, even if they were literally the Japanese gods, we don't usually call it a crossover if it's crossing over with mythology unless it's crossing over with a specific story based in mythology.
I'm liking this story so far!! Keep up the good work!! ;)
4762565
Thanks. Chapter 3 is in production
;o; Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!
Just want to say good work for a first try, but you may want to get yourself an editor and a pre-reader to bounce off ideas and see if the execution needs cleaning.
I don't have much time but I love to help a fellow writer so I'll launch into more general techniques instead of listing specific examples. I will apologise in advance if anything sounds remotely pretentious:
1. Please be careful with how you hyphenate certain words, if unsure and you're using a word processor try and let the inbuilt engine decide if the word for example, 'teenager' is actually 'teen-ager' or if it really is just 'teenager'.
2. Indenting may be a little overboard and a tiny bit inconsistent but formatting is not a big issue.
3. Careful where you put, your, commas, man. Wrong positioning of commas can result in a break in flow. A good tactic is to read your story out loud and see if it flows naturally.
4. One thing I hated as advice was the 'show don't tell' creed because really, it's a difficult thing to differentiate and it's hard to point out without certain examples. A good way to avoid this trap is to not explicitly follow each character's thoughts and decisions but rather show the thoughts with actions.
5. Try to be immersive with your language instead of being instructive. A good way to do this is to read fiction that has been published and look at the way things have been done. Did they do it from the perspective of one character? How did they reveal descriptions of other characters and personalities without getting bogged in details? How did the dialogue play out?
6. Dialogue interactions. Make sure you don't break flow when writing dialogue interactions. There were some parts where the back and forth between characters was broken because you added a 'said somebody' tag when it was not necessary to do so. Also a good tip for dialogue is to also incorporate actions. Dialogue may be characters talking to each other but they are also doing things in between.
i.e. Fluttershy said, "It looks like it's raining."
"Good", said Rainbow Dash.
vs.
Fluttershy blinked, looking at the clouds. "It looks like it's raining."
Rainbow Dash broke into a smile. "Good", she said.
7. Try and make your characters less flat. Characters have two things: traits (which are things characters habitually repeat that define them) and personality (actions characters do through the filter of their personality).
i.e. Twilight will walk through a library and yell "Books, books, books!" Her enthusiasm for books is a trait, her personality tells her to be enthusiastic when she comes into contact with books.
8. Logical conclusions and reactions. Because characters have limitations in their views and reactions, they cannot ascertain what you know. Characters do not have omniscience so sometimes it's hard to write characters bearing in mind that they do not know something at a particular juncture.
9. Further suggestions. There are always areas to improve on. If you want assistance try joining the Rage Reviews group (which are absolutely demoralising) or perhaps read up on grammar guides and deconstruct some fiction. Perhaps, try finding a mentor? Also, writing is like a muscle, it only gets stronger if you practice and only when you practice with the right technique and with the goal of improving yourself. Writing is easy, writing well is difficult.
If you need some help, don't be afraid to contact me and I'll try and get back to you.
5150006
Thanks for the plentiful advice.
PS. Do you recommend anyone in particular in regards to editors, proof-Readers, ect.
Dude. Some paragraphs are long enough to be separate chapters! Try and space a little more.
Structurally, your story is shit. But I like the story, otherwise.
5225359
Thanks. Chapter two should be a little spacier due to the increase in dialogue.
5225376 Alright. I made the same mistakes. No worries.
5225359
And thanks for the fav.
5225385 Anytime.
AWESOMENESSS!!! I cannot wait for the next chapter to come out!! So amazing, keep up the outstanding work!! :D
5396562
Thanks for the support!