Rainbow Dash has spent now many years living with Twilight in what industry corrupted by two selfish brothers, but will she finally be able to tell her how she feels.
This is my first story, and it takes place in a timeline where Twilight has been princessified but Tirek did not happen.
I was inspired by the story Wonderbolt by WovenWord and started working on...lets say a version of it from what I would have liked to see and just how I would deepen the story, personally I recommend checking out the story this one is inspired off of. That said I wrote roughly 7000 words in it but I am only uploading the 'first' chapter as a test of sorts and if anyone likes it and wants the rest I will make time to upload them.
Also keep asshole opinions to yourself, I mean downvote if you don't like it but otherwise move on, because I will be removing comments from assholes.
Dude! U should totally keep going with this!
Maybe u could go on to have the two of them get back at the flimflam brothers by destroying one of their factories, or have them regroup with the other four elements. I see a lot of potential in this!
Either way, I wanna see more :) Good work!
Why does... every single sentence... have so many... ellipses?
4645773 Actually they are pauses
4645642 TY very much and personally as long as anyone likes it even if its one person the downvotes doesn't matter to me.
4645837 No, they are annoying and lazy writing.
4647039 it is easy, if you don't like the writing then don't read it
Alright, here is the rant I give everyone about deleting comments. This isn't coming from someone trying to be an asshole, this isn't coming from someone wanting to see you burn (yet). This is coming from someone who has seen this before and wants to stop you from falling into the nigh-inescapable pit that many have fallen prey to.
There is one major courtesy rule on this site, one that mods and users alike have addressed: Do. Not. Delete. Comments. Deleting comments because you don't like them is censorship of others' opinions, and while they could have stated their opinions nicer, you do not have the right to remove their opinions and words.
The thing is, even if a comment is rude, it is an opinion and an expression, and one that you do not have the right to censor just because you don't appreciate it. Here, this link explains more than I could, and it's by one of the site mods to boot: How to Handle Criticism. Scroll down to the part in bold that reads "do not delete comments". Read the rest of it too, it is a good thing to remember for anyone, critic or receiver alike.
Though, what the others said (that I saw) was largely correct. You do use too many ellipses, you do have lots of grammar errors, and you do need to fix it if you want to improve. You also should have a little more pride in your work. You should want to improve and not have dislikes, instead of just ignore the dislikes and chances to get better in favor of the minority opinion.
That's all I have to say here. I have this screen-capped in case you delete this, so that my work and effort to help you will not be lost. I hope you have gained a little bit of wisdom from this, and will decide not to kick a hornet's nest here.
Cheers.
lol
Semper Paratus, MOFO.
i.imgur.com/wKIMJlB.jpg
Sorry for the bad quality, but still.
Here's a better one.
i.imgur.com/TU1vmvM.png
4659007
Not what they meant by "screencap."
4659116
Eh, I was rushing at the time and my phone was most convenient.
4659138 Oh, it's perfect quality. Don't you guys see lines across your vision all the time? Is that jus' me? Oh well, it migh' be dis brain bleach I' behn dwinkin'...
*falls out of chair*
4647067
There's a difference between saying, "Huh. This user is writing a well written, well thought out story that I'm not very fond of. Think I'll ignore it," and "This guys is failing at basic story telling components. Think I'll ignore it." He does have a right to address error, and as a matter of fact, him simply "not reading" and going about his business isn't going to hurt anyone but you in the long run. The reason we point out errors is so newer folks, like you, can learn from the veterans to become better. If no one ever challenged you on the errors, then your writing skills would never improve.
TL;DR We are trying our best to help you. Take the advice of those who've come before.