rainbow dash has falling in love
rainbow dash is not certain that she can tell that special purple alicorn mare
in the mean will twilight has a bad accident that lands her in the hospital
when rainbow flies to twilights side will she tell her how she really feels?
will she tell her special mare!!!!!!♡twidash♡
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Alright, I am too tired to be anything less than blunt and completely tactless with this, so.... sorry in advance.
This was... bad. Really bad.
Let's start with the easy stuff; pacing.
It's... so fast it's non-existent. I'm pretty sure light travels slower than this story did. There's no description at all, no real transitions, no time to allow the reader to soak up the information you've vomited all over them, and it's just too much information all at once. Since I mentioned it, let's turn to the presentation of said information.
Yeah, it's pretty much you just vomiting information onto a page It was too... direct, and disorganized. This links back to the pacing, but you need to control the information you give away, and how much of it you let go. This is a good amount of information for a single chapter, if said chapter was about three times as long as this one was. You're missing all the filler, which completely ruins a story. It's a constant stream of information that we don't have time to care about, and it's too messy for us to even want to care about it.
The spelling was pretty good, just the odd mistake that I saw. Then again, it's pretty late so I might have missed a bit. grammar is a different story, but I'm not going to go back and find examples. For that kind of thing. I'm gonna recommend getting an editor and a proofreader.
Let's see here, what else... Oh right, the most glaring thing by far. You switch from third to first person randomly, once at the beginning into first person and once at the end into third person. That's... disorienting and pointless. It's either a third person story or a first person story, don't try mixing them because it just ends up being a big mess.
Let's tackle the characterization which... honestly wasn't terrible. Sure it could sue work like everything else, but of all the things wrong with this it doesn't jump out to me as something that needs to be addressed quite yet. Get the mechanics down before you tackle that kind of stuff. The plot, while pretty unoriginal, is... well, it's Twidash, so it gets a bonus point in my book no matter what.
I'm not eve going to bother nitpicking about the little continuity errors, except this one; you said it was, like 9 PM. Most normal people don't each lunch at 9, they eat dinner that late. But anyway...
What else... Gah, I'm too tired. Hopefully someone else will fill you in on anything I missed. Good luck with this, and I hope to see your writing improve; Twidash always needs more writers.
You've got some work to do cleaning up the window dressing of your fic. I haven't even dived into the the fic itself and I see major problems. Your summary has little to no flow or sense of direction and kind of meanders around the point of the story, in addition to being grammatically a mess. A more to the point summary would look like:
I know it seems like small changes, but presentation is everything in stories, especially on the front page.
Also it should be Winter's First Love.
Hope this helped.
Commander out.