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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Just knocked out the Prologue and Chapter 1, and I wanted to get my thoughts down before crashing for the night.
First up, and this is important, I really am enjoying the story. Snap Roll is an endearing character, a squad leader protective of those under her command, except here it's mixed with a kind of naivete. She has every reason to understand the gravity of military life, but at the same time her lack of practical experience does show. Frosty's right, they are actually somewhat pampered with only simulations to go by. It's funny, I was going to make a comment about how, while the action in the prologue was exciting and engaging, and really showed their teamwork, it was clear from very early on that it wasn't really happening, setting aside the zebras and the engagement at ground level. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but pretty much at the time Tailwind got shot is when I figured this was some kind of dream, or training run of some kind. Which actually feeds into Snap Roll's inexperience. While she has the training, I feel like her first taste of real combat will be different.
I do have a couple of critiques here. Not major ones, though. First up, the paragraphs of exposition kinda felt like they went on too long, narrated as they were. It kinda started to lose interest a little down when Snap started talking about cloud seeding. I completely support the fact that you've made Frozen Skies that much more accessible, but I think some lines of that could have been integrated into dialogue, or scenes in the club. Taking cloud seeding as an example, maybe not including the whole history, but just introducing the idea when Snap was realizing there was real vodka in her drink? Again, this is just me typing this up because I feel like it's a disservice to say that I didn't care for something without explaining. Did I mention it's also 1 in the morning?
Anyway, the other part of this that I recoiled at was Snap saying she was glad the Sergeant's wife died in childbirth. It would have been different if she had recoiled at that incredibly dark thought after having it, but she didn't, and it was pretty jarring.
It was a minor complaint though, and once it got into the swing of the chapter, it was a lot of fun to read. I love the design of the club, and the pegasi dancing. It makes perfect sense really, and made for a really fantastic mental image. The drinking song was great, too, and you had me humming it to the tune of my own old drinking song, Piano Man.
Gonna go ahead and wrap this up for now, but again I'm enjoying the story so far, really curious to see where it goes. More particularly, what their mission is. Like Frosty said, what do they even do? What is their mission? I guess I'll have to find out!
Alright, chapter one, done. That was something pretty fun to read. I took in the first section of it this morning and finished it this evening. The first part was interesting and catching. The seriousness of the intro to the character was cool. Though I must say that I didn't realize she was a mare until further down into the chapter. I also didn't catch her name, like, at all. I bet it's in there, but it wasn't said enough or something for me to really get it. So what is her name...? *Goes back up to the top and reads a little bit again.* Snap Roll, OK, gotcha, gonna jot that down now as a little internal note...
The VI system seemed like an interesting concept. I swore when you wrote the prologue those were actual characters. Perhaps they were and that the towers did a little more, like record the memories of soldiers for the system. I would need to really scrutinize what you wrote about it down to try and break it up and make a good understanding of it. But what it really turns down to is that VI is just a virtual world for training. That's cool. That's something I can see the Enclave having mastered. (I wonder why the software wasn't update. It's software people. you don't need a lot of raw material to really make it better or simply change the missions up.)
The shower scene was where I figured it was a mare and not a stallion I was reading about. So we've got ourselves a bi-sexual soldier here. The showers are also communal. Pretty humorous stuff in that section, made me laugh thinking about it.
But what takes the cake in this whole chapter in my opinion is Frosty's big cameo. I'm a fan of Bobulator's awesome story. It's truly something to read and seeing her cameo made me all sorts of excited. It'd be cool to see her again even. But this story takes your characters into a far far away place I imagine. I loved how you used Frosty's character in here as that bitchy stranger that raised a big question. What are these 'special' pegasi going to do?
I'd have written a better review, but I'm really tired and gonna head to bed. It was a super chapter to read and I hope you're doing well with your writing. Goodnight, and good luck.
Quaver Ava
Yo I really like this story! You do a very good job of painting a picture of a society that has more or less sealed itself off from the world below.
Snap Roll has a narrative voice that hovers comfortably between fun and focused. She remarks on things, but not excessively, and only if it contributes to the progression of the narration. You have NO IDEA how much I appreciate that; narrators that constantly share their unfiltered thoughts on everything make me pull my hair out.
Very interested in seeing how her mission unfolds, and what will be revealed in her next meeting with Red Glare. Consider me hooked :3
Thoroughly enjoyed this read! It was really nice starting to get to know the others in Snap’s team, and the interesting way that the Enclave is set up. A variety of cameos and while I only understood the FOE one directly, they didn’t feel out of place or shoved in. It’s cool that they’ve got this VI tech, but I wonder how much if any it’ll come into play. Simulation training can only get you so far, and I hope our team is prepared for that! Nosedive seems to be the most cautious of the group and I find that amusing given his name, but I appreciate that fact all the more. Tailwind seems like she’s going to be some fun as well! I am very much into Snap’s perspective here, and how she genuinely cares for her team. She’s not unfeeling that much is for sure. Well done!
So before I lose my train of thought while I read this chapter: I really loved the shower scene. In the prologue, I complained about how I didn't feel invested in the characters, that has now changed.
There's no weird and unnatural dialogue from Snap's friends blurting out their entire history together. Nor a drawn out scene where they discuss how poorly their training went. Instead... Tailwind teases and laughs, Snap trips her, Tailwind doesn't take offense, they flirt, Nosedive tells them to get a room...
It convinces me that they're friends who've known each other for quite some time. I still don't know their full history as of this writing, but that scene got me wanting to know more about them now.