[Part One of the Riflepony Series] When an unexpected heat wave scorches Appleloosa, Braeburn finds himself unable to save his family's apple orchard. That is, until he meets a certain pony whom he thought to be fictitious. The mare tells him of a treasure that is said to be buried in the town of Dodge Junction, and asks for his assistance in finding it. Will the tales of Cunning the Colt's treasure prove to be true, or were they simply folktale?
Proofread and edited by JohnPerry.
Chapters (14)
Quite good, if I do say so myself. I've always had a bit of a soft spot for westerns and adventure stories, but you've combined the two, so it seems. Excellently written - couldnt find a single typo! I sincerely hope this gets more attention, because I feel it'd definitely be worth the time of whoever reads it.
Alright, you've definitely caught my attention. Fantastically written! I can't wait to see where you go with this!
Ohhh this is so exciting I can't wait ta see what ya come up with!
Wow...bad ass Braeburn, that's a first. Trouble comes a knockin' and he'll be there to blow its damn head off.
He's like Chuck Norris
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/masonry/000/004/431/Chuck_Norris.gif
peace Out
Now that's what I call a solid set-up!
476408 Why thank ya kindly. Took a while but it was needed
Huzzah! It's back an better than ever! Write on, good sir. Write on.
Thumbed up and added to the favourite list, you deserve it.
If there's one thing that conflicts me a bit about the story, is the fact guns are featured almost too prominently. We're talking a children's TV show and you're wringing around tools that can take away life on a whim. It's just something that doesn't quite agree with my headcanon.
But insofar, you handled such magnificently, and they serve to work with the story, and not hang around as decorations, so I am very much willing to close my eyes on that, heck, even enjoy it.
I also like how you handled Applejack's and Braeburn's characterisation - the Apple mare is very much a down-to-earth pony (mind the pun) and as a distant relative, doesn't seem all that knowledgeable about Appleloosas' going-ons. Braeburn is also slightly different from the show's conterpart, but the part about making friends and his exaltation in such case just made it all straight laid and reasonable. Reminds me a bit of Mac in his work devotion, too.
Moreover, I love how you handled Doo's persona. At first I was slightly worried she was indeed book-character given life via one way or another, the title and high-adventure type of story would incline to that. And after teasing both us, the readers, and the two other Apple characters, you go and subvert it masterfully. She's close to Rainbow Dash in what we've seen so far, if the blue pegasus was experienced, collected and analytical. That and her Mastery of Disguise character feat, made me chuckle.
I'm somewhat unsure of Bullet Tyme, though I tend to explain it to myself so he was the one who got assimilated into the Apple family, with Braeburn's mother carrying an apple cutie-mark.
And Brae's uncanny ability to shoot a rifle, while having a single apple for his mark. Plot twists incoming, perhaps?
Those are all my comments insofar. Great story, and I'm eagerly awaiting chapter 3.
Good luck writing this!
542926 Here's the kind of comment I've been waiting for: an analyzation of the story so far. And no, I'm not being sarcastic. Really wanted to know what people thought of the specifics of the story.
My take on Daring Do was something I was kind of worried about at first, for I didn't know how readers would react to it. It's good to know that her character is acceptable.
The other obvious point is the factor of arms. I'm just going to say this now, while I appreciate your say in this matter, it's rated Everyone because not a single character nor creature is harmed from the use of such weaponry. However, Braeburn's family rifle does play key roles in the story.
I guess this leads to your query about Braeburn's natural talent in the use of guns. I was hoping someone would inquire about this. I wanted to show that a character can be talented in more ways than one, and that not every family has to have such a linear path in life. "well, you were born into the Apple Family so I guess all you can do is work on the farm." Pfft hay no!
But again, thank you for your feedback. It certainly helps a lot.
Sweet baby Luna in her cradle, I've been waiting for this to come out! Ah...can you smell that? That's adventure right there. That's the good stuff.
Started reading, im interested!
"He is, just making sure his rifle isn't loaded," Artemis replied. He then turned back to Braeburn. "It's not, is it?"
Man that was a funny play on words.
590460 Oh horseapples....I didn't even think of that. You gutter brain you
591209
Good sir I resent that accusation. Besides which you were the man who made the joke in the first place.
That wasn't deliberate?
Me a gutterbrain?
592237 no it wasn't
And don't worry I was being facetious.
592361
So was I.
592440 Who's got egg on their face? *points to self* THIS GUY!
594732
Don't worry I've made worse mistakes then that while having conversations face to face with people. Sarcasm is my greatest weakness.
Well done! It did seem a little odd that just as Daring and Breaburn arrived the bandit showed up.
But then again maybe he was on the train or waiting for it.
Bang.
So...this is shaping up to be the highest quality fic I've ever seen in like...ever. My own work does not compare. You have, in the space of four chapters, completely set up the rest of the story in a masterful way. Braeburn's a total badass, when he wants to be.
622169
........Wow, that actually means a lot coming from such a popular author. Not that it doesn't mean anything coming from anybody else, but you guys get the idea.
Thanks again guy!
Yay action! Love action!
622210
Check your email inbox sometime soon and you'll be quite happy. Good stuff here.
Oh, one thing I may not have mentioned at any other time where I might have discussed this fic with you, there are times where the actions are too human, such as Braeburn looking at the Marechester in his lap. That doesn't seem at all comfortable for a pony, unless Braeburn is taking lessons in sitting from Lyra...
659207 Huh. Looks like I forgot the second part of that sentence. Took care of it though.
And huhwhhaaa? Well whatever it is, I look forward to it guy! Glad you like the story.
659619
Take a look at my initials, you may recognize them. As far as I know, the email hasn't been sent out just yet.
659656 Oh. OHHHHHH Awesome! Definitely appreciate it!
We need more of this awesome fic
Sincerely the Doctor
Very cool. I could see Breaburn placing buckets under the apple trees and shooting off the good fruit.
A Billy the Kid parody? Soooo reading this.
oh, is this a western I see? Yes! IT IS! With guns... AWESOME!
Edit after read: I think I see something going on between those two. Art's warning might just need to be enforced lol. This story is a great story that portrays everything perfectly that allot of stories don't seem to get. Favorited simply because this is awesome.
Hello friend! Great story you have here. Instantly drew my attention once it popped up on EQD. Just wanted to say that I was so motivated that I wrote you a review!
You can find it here: http://supremestfanfictionreviews.blogspot.com/2012/05/review-treasure-in-west.html
I hope it's to your liking, but if you have any questions, feel free to contact me.
Have a wonderful day!
662383 Well I'll be. Here's something I wasn't expecting, but I am also very grateful for it. Yes, it is very much to my liking, considering the fact that you took the time to make it in the first place.
It was incredibly fair, enlightening, and brought a few important things to my attention. To be honest, I've never heard of this website before (I don't get out much on internet terms), but I'm glad you brought it to my attention. It gives me something to add to the bookmarks on my browser.
Anyway thanks again!
662543 It's okay, we're new, and to be perfectly honest, the reason the review ended up in a comment as opposed to a private note is because the word has to get out SOMEHOW.
I am very glad you aren't offended or anything, because I've been having this string of bad reactions to even my good reviews. You have made my evening by enjoying it, so thank you for that! I hope the site can be worth your continued attention.
662579 A writer's best friend is constructive criticism. So even if it was nothing BUT that, I would still thank you. I don't know why people can't react positively when offered something to build off of. Kids these days, I dunno
Gonna put the link up on my blog to help advertising. Not that it will help much, but it's something I guess. (For your site, not me. lol)
I do like your characterization of Daring Do. She's like the Indiana Jones who doesn't get kidnapped by soviets or Nazis every three seconds.
I'm not bothered by the use of guns at all in this fic because it's handled very tastefully. My only complaint is that there was no real explanation to why he had never fired a gun before, but it didn't even bother me that much.
I was very glad to see this story pop up. I had just taken 2 fics off my fav list because they weren't as good as there first chapter, but this one looks pretty awesome, plus Braeburn!
<nonexsisten breaburn emoticon>
Wow. This is certainly a new way of seeing the Equestrian west. And here I was unsure of the fact that Braeburn had a gun. It certainly seems to suit him!
I concur - I think guns are acceptable here for two reasons:
1) There aren't as many unicorns or pegasi out west, mostly earth ponies, and guns are one of the only ways earth ponies could get a leg up on each other in such a lawless place; and
2) Unicorns could shut down guns in a heartbeat with a simple shield spell or something, so they're not quite the "death; destroyer of worlds" objects that they are in our reality. In the real old west, they were even more important tools than a shovel or plow, so it stands to reason you could have them exist here.
That gotten out of the way, I loved your explanation for Daring's existence. Thank the filly Celestia you didn't succumb to some stupid trope. Simple explanations are somehow more satisfying.
Structurally, a sound story. Tight editing. One problem though, in the first paragraph:
"...filling the air with the tangent smell of gunpowder"
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/pungent?s=t&ld=1029
I'm pretty sure you mean "pungent" or something similar. Personally, I like "acrid" to describe that smell. I do love the smell of a spent casing, though.
I was going to make a tongue-in-cheek comment about how convenient it was that they arrived in the middle of a situation that required Braeburn's newly-discovered skills to solve, but you know how it is: when you buy a hammer, everything looks like a nail for a while.
Some parts touch briefly on the overplayed trope line, but I think you're doing enough to keep the formula pretty fresh. Keep the western, don't go full adventure on it; this story needs more creeping from crate to crate while bullets wizz past. Also, someone had better fall off a roof or over a railing during a gunfight, dammit. :P
663892
In addition to the roof and railing bit, somepony better get thrown through a window during a Saloon fight. Or at least get dragged down the bar counter-top. lol Think of it something like this: Saloon Fight from the western "War Wagon"
I've really enjoyed reading this story, it's such a fun little story, I can't wait to see where you take it! Faved.
Very well done, I will be waiting for "moar."
663785 Whoops! You're very right, I was going for the word "pungent." I guess even with three prereaders (myself included), things can fall through the cracks sometimes. I'll fix that tonight, along with uploading the new chapter
Just came across the story and have a couple small issues for you:
"...one of their eldest customers."
In this context you should be using oldest. Eldest is generally reserved for comparing family members.
"...those books grant me a pay cut every week."
So they reduce her pay on a weekly basis? Perhaps "...I get a cut of the royalties from the books."
I call shenanigans. Braeburn adjusted to the idea of killing someone way too easily.
666136 okay I KNOW I fixed those mistakes earlier. Looks like I have an email to write...
666323 If you read closely, it's clear that it was never his intention to kill the bandit. In fact, it is said that he "searches for a way to stop the criminal without killing him," which he does.
666413 I saw that, and that (plus basic psychology against harming another) leads me to think that he would have a VERY hard time accepting what he'd just done. It takes years of training to acclimate to that idea.
Unless you have a post-fight breakdown planned for later, in which case I'll hold off judgement.
666449 if he'd actually killed him, then I could see your views to be fully understandable. It doesn't take a military officer to stop a criminal on psychological terms. If you don't agree then you dont agree, no worries.
666502 Wait, what? *rereads* Oh, he didn't kill him--I apologize, I misread that part. Man, I feel silly now.
666656 that's okay buddy
664387 be that as it may, they better not fucking
Touch the pony on the piano. The one rule of saloon fights.