• Member Since 10th Jul, 2011
  • offline last seen June 19th

Brony Tom


Hello. I do things every now and then. Also, ponies.


T
Source

After an odd blue meteor crashes deep within the Everfree Forest, an insidious new substance spreads throughout Ponyville, and then to all of Equestria, corrupting the ponies it ensnares. Ponies everywhere must fight this new threat, but... they must also fight their friends, and even themselves.


Special thanks go to Silent Machina for being awesome and for helping to edit this story.


UPDATES:
29 June- Moderate changes to Firework Flare (chapters 2 through 5); he's now less of a Gary Stu. Also, minor changes in chapter 5 dialogue.
4 June- minor dialogue change in Fluttershy's scene in chapter 8
16 May- IMPORTANT UPDATE: The Griffins' role has been taken over by the Changelings; also, Captain Allbright was replaced with Shining Armor as Captain of the Guard; also, minor dialogue fixes and grammar/spelling fixes
17 March- fixed more grammar issues, modified a little dialogue here and there (nothing major)
26 November- Added chapter number as part of the title, fixed up some grammar issues
23 October- Modified Part 1, Celly/Luna dialogue

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 163 )

So, who gets to be the Samus charachter in this? Twilight? Maybe even that adorable outcast Trixie, with Twilight playing the role of Ridley or the Prime? No matter what, I can't wait to see it.

Unfortunately, I'm less than familiar with the Metroid canon beyond the basics, so any small references will undoubtedly escape me.

At face value, however, this seems to be a solid start to a series and the summary certainly sounds intriguing.

On a more critical note, I think the conversation between the princesses came off as being a bit abrupt/sudden. It just happens with little in the way of build or pay off. It just sort of is. Other than that, some of the main cast seem a bit off. In particular with Twi's excitement at a big gun and Rainbow's unexplained apprehension (albeit the latter being intentional).

Overall a good open, but I think you may have crammed too much into it and sacrificed your pacing a bit. Get too many plots going and you risk diluting the main story (or something to that effect).

264

You, sir, are awesome. That feedback is like gold, and I really appreciate it; the conversation with the princesses was one of the things I wasn't sure about putting in just yet. Thanks so much!

It's always Trixies fault, isn't it?

874 Ditto.
(to be honest though, I just have a fairly opposite interpretation of Trixie at this point. thank you, fanon)

(Warning: the following is entirely too long and rambling)
Anyways, since a large chunk of this chapter focusing on and around the new character, I suppose I should talk about him. Well...I think the introduction was a bit too heavy handed in the end. You've done a decent job of integrating him by making him Spitfire's brother, but I think actually having Spitfire say so was sort of awkward (also, I tend to think that a wonderbolt's probably not manning the sign-up booth and that Flare (like Dash) probably wouldn't want to be getting favors based on familial relations or anything like that and would be avoiding Spitfire). Aside from that, there was a awkward bit of lampshade hanging with Twi thinking that " I can't just... let a pony die... even if he is a stranger" which is both somewhat OoC for Twi and calling more attention than necessary to the OC being an outsider. I think people might have a hard time with the new character acting as savior as well. Not that it might not be in the character's ability/personality to be such, but he's so undefined at this point that it feels like a bit of ploy to force the audience to like the character.

I dunno, though, OCs in series with well-established main and minor characters are always a dicey proposition, especially if they're thrust into major roles (as I'm assuming will be the case here to some degree).

Well, now that that's out of the way, the rest of the chapter. Trixie's scenes, for the interpretation you've applied, all pretty much work. She stays in the chosen persona and her actions, while bumbling to an extent, all fit her goals. She could work as the to-be harbinger/bringer of doom and/or corrupted vessel. (shall I assume this is off the third prime game? Corruption? *wikis* quick look says probably)

Along with the OC bits, I have to give brief mention to Rainbow's "oh shit, gonna die moment." It seemed a bit out of character for her to give in like that, even with the thought of "Well, if this is how it's going to end, this is the way I would've wanted to go... Doing awesome tricks in the sky over Ponyville..." it just doesn't feel right for Dash to give in like that. (And then there's the whole bag of worms that is Dash becoming a damsel in distress, which you've mostly avoided, if only narrowly.)

I think my favorite part was actually the scene with Celestia and Luna. That scene probably carried the most interest and mystery within it. Not only do we get "Ascension" name dropped, but Luna's got voices and apparently a connection to whatever our big bad is. I think it was the scene with the best writing and characterizations as well.

*scrolls up* Well, that turned out a helluva lot longer than I intended. Anyways, just got to be obvious. I don't dislike your new character (he's sort of a Dash clone in a good way) but I think his introduction could be better. Trixie went pretty well, AJ and Spike were fairly well done, Dash and Twilight were both a bit off though.

Overall, a solid, if a bit awkward in spots, continuation.

(also, this comment may be admissible as evidence of why I should never be praised for comments. mil disculpas)

I'm not cut out for conceptual feedback, but kudos on your spelling and grammar. I've seen some great stories marred by technical errors, so it's refreshing to see one so well-edited.

And, uh, congratulations on being brave enough to go for the Metroid crossover. There's a lot of potential there, but it's also kind of a minefield. I'll be watching your continuity like a hawk. :raritywink:

886

I love you.:rainbowkiss:

Not literally, but you know what I mean. I love all of the feedback you give me.

907

Thanks for that. It keeps me going; I'll do my best to not let you down. :twilightsmile:

I won't make any comments other than these two Trixie better not become an alicorn and Dash and flare better survive if so i wont tack you down,okay:scootangel:

Well I'm not exactly good at reviews or anything, but the word choice is great!
I'm really enjoying this, keep up the good work :pinkiehappy:

Also, the Ghor quotes must be used in this story. That would make it an instant 5-star.

1995
:trixieshiftleft:
:trixieshiftright:
:pinkiecrazy:
I'm not going to confirm or deny any of those things. :raritywink:

1998

Thank you kindly. :twilightsmile:

2000

It's a crossover for a reason... :trollestia:
There'll be some quotes slipped in, sneaky-style.

If dash and Flare die i'll:fluttershysad::fluttercry:

2413

It's nice to know that you care about Flare. :pinkiesmile: I was concerned when I first wrote his character that people would dislike him, since a lot of bronies I know have a... distaste for OC ponies. :fluttershysad:

Double rainboom all the way!
So beautiful...
But anyway, I find it amazing how someone is doing a metroid/mlpfim story!!!
YOU'RE AWESOME!!!:yay:

plus, the blue substance... Phazon, by any chance?

Hey, I know you!

Brony Tom, you freaked out over my "S'mores" story idea in the Dark Side's Omake!

Well, for a first chapter this was interesting. It set up a neat problem involving what I'm guessing is a phazon asteroid and there was a certain amount of tension through this chapter. I think for just destroying the asteroid it might have gone on a wee bit too long but hey, I guess nothing can be perfect...

A couple things don't make sense though. If they have an orbiting cannon... an interesting thing for Equestria to have in the first place... why wouldn't they use it? I can't imagine why they would build an orbiting cannon and NOT use it in a situation like this that clearly calls for it. Also, why didn't they just use their magic to knock its trajectory about 5 degrees to the left or something when they first noticed it? Given the vast distances of space that would probably be enough to knock it off course that it would sail harmlessly past the planet.

I'm pretty sure that these questions were brought up too, but the answers were basically just "No we can't do that" without much further explanation...

Still, those are only mild nicks in a pretty solid core for now.

4592

I won't spoil anything, but there will be an explanation for why they didn't use the cannon later in the story.

As for the changing of the trajectory, well... the original explanation that I had was that the Princess' magic was diffused by the Phazon, so only a highly concentrated burst could affect it (such as a beam). I ended up not including it in the story (at least, not then). Why? Good question... :applejackunsure:

And I appreciate your other comments very much. :scootangel: Hopefully I will have part 3 done soon.

ifive learned anything from my metroid fanatic friend, phazon is not good. especially when enough o fit is used.

inb4 trixie becomes some kind of alicorn monster.

I'm sorry this one took so long to get out... life has been hectic. Hopefully the next one won't have such a delay. :scootangel:

Wow, I hope there'll be good ending for Trixie. And preferably one where she's hero of Ponyville

So, any chance a well known bounty hunter (The one with Bird and Flying Space Tick DNA running through her bloodstreem, natch) will be showing up at some point? What about the Space Pirates? One of the various Samus Clones? I really SHOULD be reading this BEFORE leaving comments, but I really WOULD like to know if something MORE than that vile blue substance is going to show up, for good or ill.

I see this in the newest uploads.

"Oh, FUCK THE HELL YES."

Slate grey....hidden eyes....newfound smug attitude? Do I hear Dark Ditzy?

8191

There will be more than just phazon making an appearance in this story, that is for certain. :eeyup:


8192

Thanks, I'm glad you really like it. :twilightsmile:

8186

Trixie's ending will not be anything like "TO THE MOOOOOOONNNNNNAAAAAA!!!!!", if that's what you're concerned about. :moustache:

I see this updated- YES!!!!
I see chapter title- FUCK!!


I think Twilight should be fighting a slow corruption. This gives you a way to power her up over the course of the story so she can tackle the really nasty foes, and create tension as she has to fight harder to not lose herself.

Snippets:

Twilight yawned as she shook the thoughts from her mind and started brushing her hair in the mirror. It was likely just nerves.

...why were her eyes blue?

-

Rarity: Darling, I didn't mean...your just starting to scare us is all.
Twilight: I understand... I,m starting to scare myself too...

-

And then all at once it was like someone flipped a switch. Cold fire flew through her veins, and the power! In that instant, she was sure she could have moved the sun and moon like the princesses did. She had more immidiate plans though. The hydra still bore down on her...

-

Her horn...

It a subtle thing, only a close look showed it, but she knew...it was going to be more noticeable soon. The natural indents that spiraled up along it had a faint blue glow seeping out of it, like the core of her horn was shining with it. This was not normal, it wasn't even natural. Eye color was one thing, but this?

Just what was she becoming?

13077

Sorry to do that to you... :twilightblush: If it makes you feel any better, I'm not doing too bad on getting chapter four done.

13113

:heart:

Also, I'm not really the fastest worker, but I'm a good one. You want me to preread some shit, I'll take a look for you. Send me a PM, and we'll talk.

I can see you building towards something, but it's not the disturbance. The something is after the trixie schinnanigans and will involve a lot of ponies around something intense and unthought of.:trollestia:

I want to read this story (loves Metroid AND ponies) but I think I'll have to postpony it for a while... I just can't stand getting caught up in an awesome fanfiction only to be forced to wait for what can feel like an eternity until a new chapter is up. :twilightsheepish: Still, it looks promising.

19218

I understand... I'm not exactly the most punctual pony when it comes to updating :twilightsheepish: (although I do have part 4 pretty much done). Thanks a bunch!

Good update. Seems like things are finally happening.

Actually...couldn't Twilight just throw the competition? That's what I'd do.

22323

By "throw the competition" I'm not sure what you mean... but if you mean "lose on purpose" or something, you'll soon see why that's not an option. :trollestia:

Then again, you've brought up an interesting idea/point in my mind... hmmmmmm.

when i was reading it i only found one problem,
Trixie just happening to name Phazon because it sounded cool?
i know that it's also because it felt like it had already been named, but 'Because it sounded cool' felt a bit half-assed to me.
Perhaps you could put it down to the Sentience that you have expanded on Phazon in this story, perhaps the Phazon told Trixie it's name, maybe like whispers in the back of her mind.

or not, it's your story not mine.

speaking of which, i was partially thinking "get out of my head" because you and i seem to have been having the exact same ideas from back when i was thinking about a Metroid Crossover! right down to the Omega Trixie (as she is dubbed in my head).
it's weird :derpyderp2:

but anyway, i can't wait to read your next update, so far this is the only Metroid Crossover fic i could find!

23068

Yeah, Trixie's reasoning wasn't exactly the most thought-through thing... I'll look at it again, fix it up a bit.

Omega Trixie = win. :twilightsmile:
...But is it what I've got in mind? DUN DUN DUN. :rainbowwild:


Thanks a bunch, my friend! :eeyup:

And then twilight uses illigal magic involving space time and trixie never existed.

There is only one mare that would fit better in the role of dark samus.

23755

I wonder who that could be... :trollestia:

Don't worry, if you're thinking of who I'm thinking of, she will have a large part to play in this story. And it will be glorious. I hope. :derpytongue2:

23131
oh and one last Question

is this taking place in the Metroidverse or has the Phazon crossed a dimensional border?

or are you going to be a meanie pants and keep it a secret from me? :fluttercry:

24513

Well, I'll tell you if you wish. It's in Equestria, the Phazon just took a little trip, that's all. Not that there won't be other things coming with it or anything. :trixieshiftright:

:derpytongue2:

Login or register to comment