• Member Since 25th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen Apr 28th, 2017

Mr Page


A writer hoping to write something worth reading and enjoying

E

With no explanation whatsoever, Twilight and Spike awake in a strange place, full of blue-flamed candles and glittering glass orbs. Mysterious, and oddly familiar, they explore the vast room and find something there...something about the two of them....

Cover art by Scholar57.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 23 )

MMMOOOAAARRRR!!!!

Wow... Just WOW!
This story had me enthralled the entire time I was reading this. If you're even thinking about turning this into a longer story then you have to go for it, this is just too good to stop here.

Nicely done, Mr. Page! You had me hooked until the very end. The touch from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix was really cool.

As for the question posed at the end, I think that there's another integration of six (Discord, Star Swirl, Luna, Celestia, Spike, and Twilight) of higher magic that is keeping back a greater force from coming and taking the world. "But hey, that's just a theory, a GA-"

I think I'm going to be done with the MattPat references.

But anyways, again, this was really good. Keep up the good work!

This has to be the most epic oneshot/teaser i have ever read, the fact that it is intended as a oneshot and hints towards the werry rare Twilight/Spike paring that i so hunger for is almost enough to bring me to tears, please do tell uss if someone decides to take this up as a multichapter story or even better if you do becouse as good as everything about this story is perfect.

I loved the story, and am personally waiting for a sequel.


Sincerely,
~~ Flutter-Shy~~

I think Star Swirl is probably still alive somewhere and is most likely one of Twilight's ancestors. Also, Spike and Twilight will most likely end up together.

4621335
Moar? :derpyderp1: What does that mean?

Thanks for reading!:pinkiehappy:

4621957
I...might make it longer. If not a story, I may at least write an explanation from Princess Celestia, Luna, and Discord, because so far, no one in the comments have guessed the prediction Star Swirl has predicted, though that may be more due to me making the secret so vague.

Thanks for reading!:pinkiehappy:

4622070
Thanks for your comment.

Interesting theory, I never would've considered that at all. Then again, I didn't really explain Star Swirl's prediction, so it's quite fun to see what people think the secret might be, even those that are farther off from the idea I have.

Thanks for reading!:pinkiehappy:

4622963
Thanks for reading!:pinkiehappy:

As for writing more to this little oneshot, I MIGHT write a little more. If nothing else, it would be good to at least provide an explanation to Twilight and Spike. I mean, to be honest, I kind of left my readers hanging on what Star Swirl's prediction is. While your idea isn't necessarily the one I had in mind, it's nevertheless intriguing to hear another's perspective.

4623187
A sequel? Well...I might write an explanation to shed some light on this little "secret". I guess I did leave you all hanging, didn't I?:twilightblush:

Thanks for reading!:pinkiehappy:

4623957
Do keep in mind that this prediction of Star Swirl's was made over a millennium ago, long before Twilight and Spike were born.

As for them ending up together, they will probably STAY together, but become a couple? Well...:unsuresweetie:

Anyway, given these comments, I'm starting to think maybe a further explanation is in order. If not a greater story, at least Celestia, Luna, and Discord giving Twilight and Spike some answers.

I mean, I know that much, but it's just a hunch. Seriously, what if Star Swirl was still alive? I wouldn't find it quite surprising. I actually believe he's disguised as someone that no on would ever expect him to be.


As for Spike and Twilight, they're actually a favored shipping pair. If you search 'Spike Finds Love', there are much more stories that ship Spike and Twilight than him and anyone else.

Comment posted by TheMessenger deleted Jul 1st, 2014

Loved it but I really wished we weren't left with such a teaser... :facehoof:
I have nothing against teasers actually but I wish we were given actual coherent clues and hints that would point to one logical answer, but everything was too vague. I mean it was an age old prophecy involving Twi and Spike... and that's it? It honestly could be ANYTHING. If your intent was for the reader to figure out the answer going by the "clues" then I think you've failed miserably, but if it was just meant to be an open-ended mystery for the reader to make up an ending how they see fit, then it makes more sense.:ajsmug:
Hope there's a sequel that would add some detail. I just love Twi/Spike, no matter what kind of 'ship it is. :twilightsmile:

4630637
I must, sadly, confess that leaving an open mystery WAS part of my intent. I DID have an idea of what I wanted the reader to sort of guess, but I suppose I left more questions than solid facts. I apologize if I annoyed you. :fluttercry:

However, it IS enjoyable to watch readers try and come to their own conclusions; it kind of gives the story room for many possible outcomes.

Thank you very much for reading. :pinkiehappy: Since everyone is asking me about it, I think I MIGHT add on a chapter or two to this, if just to give you all some explanation. It might take a while, but I'll try and get around to it.

Please please PLEASE make a sequel. PLEASE!! i'M BEGGING YOU!!! :pinkiegasp: Maybe even a series! :rainbowkiss: Definitely an adventure! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!:fluttershysad::twilightsheepish:

4622070 No please keep it up. :pinkiecrazy: I was worried I was the only one.:trollestia::scootangel:

Fairly good, I enjoyed it. :pinkiesmile: It doesn't rank nearly as high in my head as "The Seventh Star", but now I'm starting to wonder if I just breezed over the flaws in that story, because this one contains quite a few.

I highly recommend working to make your writing more concise. You wasted a lot of space on Spike and Twilight trying to figure out where they are, then getting led around by Screwball. Most of that was very unnecessary; all they had to do was find the globe. The conversation in Celestia's chambers also could've been [guesstimating here] about 1/3 of its current length. Skip on the padding next time. One of the reasons I may have ignored this problem in "The Seventh Star" is because I enjoyed the premise so much that I wanted that story to keep going. But I did notice 7th Star's amateur-sounding phrases and word choices...there are just a hell of a lot more here in "Secret of the Bond", in addition to a few failures to conjugate, and even a misspell.

Then there's that "first" dream Spike and Twilight talked about; that scene gives me the impression that you were making everything as you wrote. Having read the scene in which they talk about the dream one week ago, if I went back and re-read the first half of your story, your prose would still give me a very strong impression that that was their first time. At no point did they behave as if they've experienced this before; in fact, both characters specifically act as if this second dream is their first one.

And lastly the story alone is kind of a big cheat. The story is supposed to be about Twilight and Spike discovering a special bond they share. Issue #1: after the first half of the fic, we never see our two stars again because the rest is dominated by Discord and the princesses. Issue #2: we never learn what the bond was despite loads of teasing (kind of obvious that it has to do with dragon-pony relations, though). On both of those issues, I say this: if your premise promises something, fucking deliver.

It was a pleasurable enough read, but I think you should've held back on publishing it until tightening up the prose, giving it a good polishing, and figuring out a more satisfactory way to wrap it up. :twilightsmile:

They came this close!" she held her hoof up to her nose,

Little world-building details like this are cool, stuff that's used in casual conversations. I (at least I think it's my idea) came up with "under my saddle" as opposed to "under my belt", and clicking one's tongue instead of snapping fingers.

4697643
(staring at the comment...:pinkiegasp: :fluttercry: :applejackunsure:)

I see....

I must say I was quite surprised at your comment, but perhaps that's my own fault, I've realized after some thinking. You are right...I did leave my readers hanging. I guess I was hoping this would be more of a mystery and make-a-conclusion-for-oneself kind of fimfic, but I didn't do too a good job explaining that. For this reason, I have put this story on hiatus. I'll have to see if I can come up with some explanation by writing a little more to the story.

As for it dragging on with the story, I just wanted to detail the scene. If that's not your cup of tea, I apologize.

As for "amateur-sounding phrases and word choices", I am afraid I don't know which ones you mean. And sadly...I'm not sure there's much I can do about that. My writing style is simply the way I write and I do the best I can with it. I'm willing to try to do better but I will write using what I believe is the best word choice for the story. Every writer, after all, has their own voice.

Despite how I feel, thank you very much reading my story. It's always good to hear what others have to say about your work, even if it's not positive. I understand, and so...I'm very sorry my story didn't amount to what you would've liked.

Have a good day.

Let me provide an example of padding:

"She was up there with me the whole time, but vanished when that huge sign appeared over where I found you. I had flown quite a long way away, but I could still see it, and then I flew over and found you. But . . . I don't understand. How could Screwball have been in two places at once?"

The sentence I crossed out is not helping you craft a detailed scene. We know what happened, so it's just a waste of space. Same deal with temporarily separating the two of'em. Not only did it mean Twilight went back on her promise of sticking together, but it was a completely unnecessary tangent.

I'll go a step further and point out that Screwball's very existence in here is unnecessary. She leads Spike and Twilight around, and she gets a small lecture from the princesses. But all Spike and Twilight had to do was enter the Hall of Prophecy and find the globe. Discord could've just put them right smack next to it, or they could've been led to it by some other means. And in the royal chambers, we learn absolutely nothing by hearing Luna or Celestia speak to Screwball. Nor do we learn anything about Discord that helps the plot. All that scene needed was the conversation between the three of them.

Now, on your quality of writing: it's cool that you enjoy it, and want to keep at it. (Don't give up unless you stop enjoying it!) But you're wrong in saying "there's not much you can do about it". Very few people are fantastic writers, but the ones who are got there by improving. Saying there's nothing you can do about what I see as "amateurish", is like saying you can't improve. It's not going to happen overnight, and you're not going to get any better without experience. But after you've written more and allowed some time to pass, you'll probably look back on this story and cringe at all the mistakes you've made...because there are totally mistakes here, not just phrases I don't like as a matter of opinion. Example:

He's even had his moments to shine, such as at the Crystal Empire AND saving it yet again, stepping in purely on instinct. He has shown as much of the Elements of Harmony as his pony friends have, and is incredibly faithful to them, especially Twilight. And though he's young, Spike has shown to be wise at times and is quite responsible with his tasks.

I'll admit I'm not educated, per se, in the rules of English, but I can definitely tell when something sounds wrong.

He's even had his moments to shine, such as saving the Crystal Empire, and then saving it a second time, acting purely on instinct. He has demonstrated the Elements of Harmony to the same extent as the bearers themselves, and is incredibly faithful to them, especially your princess. And though he's young, he has shown wisdom and responsibility beyond his years.

Here's one that's definitely wrong from a technical standpoint:

Nothing makes Spike happier than being there to help Twilight, and, all the same [similarly], I don't think Twilight would want to have anypony else serve the role as [of] her assistant.

Here's a run-on sentence:

The fact that the chest from the Tree of Harmony gave Spike his own little throne, which sits alongside Twilight’s, must make it obvious, if not to him, then to the others that he has a crucial role to play in Equestria's future."

If I were writing the rules, I'd call that a nested clause. You have two in there.

The fact that the chest from the Tree of Harmony gave Spike his own little throne alongside Twilight’s must make it obvious—if not to him, then to the others—that he has a crucial role to play in Equestria's future."

"A crucial role indeed," Celestia commented. "One he has played for a long time already, as too have his friends, as we all know."

"no one has bothered to tell him or Twilight the reason why they both share these roles,

"The only things I have done," said Discord,

In case you can't see the strike, I struck out the s in "things". Discord was only trying to justify one thing.

But, I must say, I'm happy to hear you agree with them finding out on their own,"

Now that is undeniably an amateurish choice of words. Discord isn't agreeing with with Spike and Twilight, he's agreeing with Luna.

But, I must say, I'm happy to hear you agree with them finding that they should fine out on their own,"

See what I mean? There are all sorts of hiccups that could be adjusted with a more thorough read-through. A pre-reader could help you out a lot (probably not me, because in a 10K+ story like this, I'd be more inclined to take the thing in a word doc and edit to my liking, rather than point out fixes). When someone tries to critique your work, don't just brush it off as "not your cup of tea/every writer has their own voice", because nexperienced is not a style. And you can change it. Read professional publications (e.g., anything not on the Internet) and continue to write your own stuff until your voice becomes more skilled and experienced.

I definitely want to see you improve! Your previous Spilight is one of my top five favorites, and you're one of the few decent authors around who writes about them. Learning to take criticism seriously and apply it well is part of getting better. Best of luck!

4701951 :
:twilightsmile: Thank you for taking the time to examine my story and point out where improvements can be made. It is my ambition to become a good writer, and learning what needs polishing or greater attention is a crucial step.

Hopefully a little rewriting, as well as a few chapters more, will grant this story the chance to better please my readers.

Once again, thank you for your advice. I'll be paying closer attention to my writing from here on out.

Take care and happy writing! :heart:

My army commander has requested more chapters. See to that you do that.:moustache:spike signing out

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