Chapter 4: Patriotic Duty
Washington blasted the skull of another zombie soldier to green sludge with his plasma gun, soon making short work of the next undead behind him that tried to sneak attack by hacking the walking corpse with his axe in a quick spin and swing. The moment the weapon touched the undead flesh, the zombie exploded into a gory mess before dissipating into ash and bone. Smiling, Washington began to clear a path through the zombies at least three yards wide, axe turning them to dust while his gun turned them into goo as the mindless undead were powerless against his dual weaponry.
Celestia was up overhead, joined by Twilight. The two unleashed blasts of concentrated magic in the undead horde, preventing the zombies from drawing closer to the Tree of Harmony. However, whenever a zombie went down, it was quick to go back to its feet, along with more support by the second. The three were but cardboard against a dam of water, destined to fall apart before the tides could ever turn.
Celestia fell to Washington’s side, hacking and slashing any zombie that drew near with her blade. “Is there any way to defeat them?” she screamed over the din of plasma blasts and undead moans.
“If we could find their leader, perhaps defeating him would defeat this army!” Washington answered back, turning his gun to vaporize a zombie which had been creeping up behind her.
Celestia indicated with her head at her back. “Well then, hop on. I’ll get you to their leader if you can find him.” Looking up at Twilight, Celestia shouted, “Twilight, prevent the zombies from reaching the Tree of Harmony!”
“Wait, are you guys ditching me?”
Washington expertly seated himself atop Celestia’s back, his knees locking themselves tightly with her armored sides. Taking to the skies at a much more sluggish pace due to the extra baggage of Washington, Celestia called out, “No! Yes. Maybe? Just stop them!”
Flying away from Twilight’s whines, Celestia soared over the teeming sea of undead British soldiers, only to realize the air was little defense as they began bringing their weapons to bear. Ancient muskets spat lead bullets at her, while a decaying cannon roared, forcing her to swerve to the side to avoid the shot. Even those without guns were joining in, throwing rocks and decaying limbs up into the air. “We’re not going to last much longer if we’re in the thick of it like this!”
“Just a bit longer!” Washington said. He grabbed ahold of her horn and steered her out of the path of incoming cannonfire. Holding his robotic hand over his eyes, Washington peered over the battlefield. “Aha! I think I can see him!”
“Who?”
“King George himself. Otherwise known as the Mad Monarch,” Washington answered. The King was sitting atop a luxurious throne carried by an entire brigade of decaying British troops, clapping his hands and cheering for the zombies to go faster, the Tree of Harmony nearly within his grasp. “Drop me on top of him.”
“Washington, you’d never survive the fall!” Celestia warned.
Washington picked himself up until both his feet were planted atop Celestia’s backside. “Surviving isn’t what I had in mind. Beating the crap out of the Crown, however, is!” And with that, Washington dove off Celestia’s back, aiming his body directly at King George.
As Washington descended, his Element awakened in its full fury, red, shimmering wings sprouting from his back. Screaming the war cry of freedom itself, Washington landed right atop the Mad Monarch, blasting him with his plasma cannon, shot after shot driving the decaying king from his throne before the gun itself began to melt from the heat. He stood above the gooey mess that was once the King, a crater having formed around the two upon Washington’s impact.
“Join, or die,” Washington spat on the King’s corpse. He stepped off him, turning away to wave at Celestia circling overhead.
“Good thing I’m already dead!” King George laughed, not actually dead in the slightest. Dressed in the tattered remains of what was once considered the most luxurious fashion, the King was truly a sight to behold as he drew himself up. The plasma bolts hadn’t harmed him in the slightest, the King merely wiping the vile green residue off with a flick of his wrist.
“Impossible,” Washington said. He back away from the empty eyed glare of the king, whose sockets were beginning to fill with an inferno of demonic light. “How could you survive such an attack?”
“You fool! Patriotism has no power in Equestria! That’s the reason why you’ve been defeated time and time again! There is no freedom in these lands, all of which are ruled under by a monarchy!” The King laughed, wiping fake tears from his eyes. “While your Element may have been strong in the Colonies, Washington, here it is useless! And now my undead horde shall take back Harmony for myself, all of Equestria, then the world, and then all worlds shall feel my wrath! Taxes without representation, quartering troops, taking away your arms, both weapons and flesh, all shall happen under my rule! Muhahahahahaha!”
“Not on my watch!” Celestia cried out from overhead. She landed next to Washington, her horn radiating with powerful magic just waiting to be unleashed. She aimed her horn at Washington’s axe, the red, white, and blue electricity now now glowing in a golden field of energy. “Quickly, Washington, let our powers combine!”
Smiling, Washington nodded and took a running charge at King George, swinging his axe directly at the King’s skull while shouting, “United we stand, divided we fall!”
The axe demolished King George’s face and burned all the putrid flesh from his skull, and for one precious moment, it looked like they had won. But their hopes were dashed as his skull quickly knit itself back together, flesh reattaching to the cracked bone before he swung his arm, sending Washington's glowing axe flying off into the assembled troops below before he grabbed the President by the scruff of his collar.
“You shall both be united in your downfalls! Celestia is no longer connected to her Elements, thus, her magic is worthless against me!” George laughed. Celestia lowered her horn and charged, only to be sent reeling as the king struck at her with the back of his hand. Wrapping his skeletal fingers tighter and tighter around Washington's neck, George smiled wickedly as Washington struggled to draw breath. “You lose, Washington. I guess the Element of Loyalty was never your thing, was it?”
“No, but maybe Magic is!” Twilight cried out from up above. She divebombed the pair, firing blast after blast of magical lasers at King George. The Mad Monarch was quickly reduced to smithereens that did not form back together, until only a head was left.
Washington picked up King George’s head with his robotic hand, staring at it solemnly as the zombie army drew closer around the three. “The corruption of the mighty shall never stand tall before the tide of the just. Thus the monarch falls, and the free man rises up,” Washington said, before crushing King George’s head in his robotic grip. “God, I hate inbred royals so much.”
As the skull fell to pieces in his hand, the army stopped moving. Lifting their rotten hands to their heads, they saluted even as they began to slump to the ground, a wind blowing across the battlefield as they slowly sloughed away.
“Wow… that was pretty hectic, huh?” Twilight said.
“Twilight, I thought I told you to keep to your post to stop the zombies from getting the Tree of Harmony!” Celestia said, narrowing her eyes at her student.
Twilight shrunk under Celestia’s glare, but Washington patted Twilight on the head, taking care to not accidentally crush her skull in with his mechanical hand. “A man's—or rather, mare’s—intentions should be allowed in some respects to plead for his actions. For Twilight, she knew we were in trouble, and thus abandoned her post rather than have her comrades be killed. Twilight is a true soldier of merit, and she has my thanks.”
Celestia released a long sigh before nodding. “Fine, fine, at this point I’m just too tired to care. Why does the fourth always have to be so hectic?”
“Because freedom’s cry carries with it the weight of the people who so desperately want it,” Washington answered.
Celestia groaned. “Oh no, not all the quotes again. I swear, you’re like a broken record with that.”
Washington chuckled, shaking his head slowly. “While that may be true, it’ll be the last you’ve heard from me. I must depart back to my resting place.”
“Washington, if you were immortal in the first place because of your Element, why did you want to go to your resting place in the first place?” Twilight asked.
Smiling, Washington drew to one knees and rested a hand on Twilight’s shoulder. “While you and Celestia may be content with eternal life, it is nothing but a source of sorrow for one such as myself. I wish not to rule my lands until the end of days, the future generation’s wisdom and fledging experience are needed for a truly great future to happen. One must cast off the shadow of the past to move onto a brighter tomorrow. I had already served my purpose, so there was no place for me to go other than the Tree of Harmony so that I might be granted peace once and for all.”
Twilight looked to Washington with awe in her eyes, the Element of Patriotism getting back to his feet and walking a few feet away from the pair. Glancing over his shoulder, Washington grinned and saluted. “Friendship is a plant of slow growth. It must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation. Thus, I consider you both good friends after the tribulations we endured. You have my thanks, Celestia and Twilight. I hope you have our memories of this time when needed.”
And with that, Washington rose to the sky underneath a pillar of light, translucent eagle wings once again sprouting from his back. Ascending into the clouds, Washington finally disappeared in a small twinkle of light, a distant eagle’s cry echoing across the lands once he disappeared.
Unbuckling her chest plate, Celesia said, “Liar. He still had more quotes to pull out of nowhere. I swear, that guy is a machine. Well, actually, that time he was technically part machine, so—”
Celestia was interrupted by a great boom that rocked the earth and sent shockwaves all across the land. Looking towards the Tree of Harmony out in the distance, the duo noticed flames and smoke nearby.
“Oh, for crying out loud, what is it this time?!” Celestia muttered in an annoyed tone, already teleporting along with Twilight to the area nearby the tree. Celestia sighed before the sight of a downed spacecraft covered in flames with a body equally coated in fire rolling around on the ground. “Oh, it’s just Luna.”
“Shouldn’t we do something?” Twilight asked.
Humming under her breath, Celestia teleported over a bucket of water, and threw its content on the flailing body wreathed in fire. “There, that should do it.”
Once the last of the flames died out, Luna threw off her space helmet and breathed in the sweet taste of the night air back into her lungs. “Ugh… damnit, I knew I should have invested in a better heat shield!” Luna panted. Picking up her space helmet, Luna threw it against her downed spacecraft. “Survive re-entry to the planet with minimal damage my ass!”
“Princess Luna, what are you doing here?” Twilight asked, taking note of Luna’s now crispy space suit and even more charred spaceship. “Also… what’s with the dress up and spaceship?”
“Kennedy and the moon, that’s what,” Luna muttered, laying unmoving on the ground. With a groan, she picked herself up, already trying to remove her suit. “The womanizing bastard nearly blasted me off the surface… again!”
“Wait, can’t you normally just go to the moon using magic?”
Luna stared at Twilight with a deadpan expression. “Oh, sure, I could, and then the minute I get knocked out or use up all my magic, I’m stuck in the vacuum of space! Sheesh, Twilight, there's depending on magic, and then just plain old being stupid.”
“So, did you manage to stop him?” Celestia asked. She was already on the last of her gauntlets, a pile of her ruined armor right next to Luna’s blackened suit.
“It was a mighty battle, one for the ages! A pity it lasted only thirty seconds,” Luna answered.
“Is Kennedy another one of these other Elements of Harmony?” Twilight asked the two of them.
“The Element of Being a Jackass is what he is,” Luna said.
“Wait, I thought he was the Element of Adultery?” Celestia piped in.
“That’s an Element?” Twilight asked with a grimace.
“Twilight, there’s an Element of Laughter for crying out loud,” Celestia said, shrugging her shoulders. “They’re practically giving these titles away.”
Just then, the sky exploded like a second sun had decided to pop in. As the trio protected their eyes, the distant sound of fireworks going off could be heard, and soon the entire night sky was filled with a dazzling presentation of them.
“Ah, looks like the detonation went off without a hitch,” Luna said, smiling at her work.
“Better than last year, that’s for sure,” Celestia agreed.
Twilight stared upward with her jaw hanging downward. “Um… what exactly am I looking at?”
“Over a hundred tons of dynamite and a nuclear warhead,” Luna answered her.
“And probably Kennedy’s entire fleet of Apollo spaceships exploding in the atmosphere,” Celestia added in.
As the three stood in silence to enjoy the show of high grade explosives and grand explosions, Twilight said, “You know what, I’m not even surprised anymore. I’m just taking this in stride.”
“Welcome to the club,” Luna said.
“Already did,” Celestia said. “We really need to get jackets.”
“Ooh, and maybe tiaras!” Luna cheered.
The other two ponies stared at her strangely, the afterglow of the detonation making the sky glow as if it were aflame
“What, tiaras are cool. Plus, we’re princesses, so it makes sense.”
Celestia shrugged. “Can’t argue with that logic.”
“I’m not even going to try to anymore,” Twilight said.
And on that Fourth of July, Twilight learned the important lesson that you shouldn't question illogical events, merely ride along with the natural course of events, no matter how unnatural or contrived they may be.
Unfortunately, she had little time to put her lesson into practical use before the citizenry of Ponyville rose in revolution against her, demanding equal representation in government and a revocation of the three-bits-a-book tax she had levied against them. Taking their cue from the new Element of Patriotism, they dressed up as buffalo and threw the heavily taxed books into the nearest lake, choosing to switch over to listening to vinyl records instead, quickly leading to widespread illiteracy and a boom in gramophone sales.
But that is a story for another day.
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This is what I call a cool HiE story. Thank you for being original good sir.
Dear Neptune... this is going to be epic.
Oh lord...
What have you unleashed...?
~Skeeter The Lurker
Nice try, Spongeboy me Bob, but the rules say that it had to be up and published by 23:59:59 on June 27, 2014. You are late, and therefore ineligible. Rotten luck, eh?
4610480
IT STILL COUNTS!
Mostly because the pre-readers are slow in the approval que.
4610494
The date counter will rule you out, dude. It had to be up and publicly accessible by 23:59:59 Central. You may have been a mere 11 seconds late, but [insert bad 11 minutes joke here]. Sorry, man.
Wut.
4610514
Just talked to Obs, he said I was cool.
4610524
Alright. Good luck.
Sorry had to add this because of the image of George Washington that is found on this story tab.
When I first saw the coverart I thought that George Washington was a patriot from Bioshock Infinite
Kennedy on the moon
And
Washington fighting zombies...
Bob, have you been to Deviantart lately?
'Murica
You're not even trying anymore are you?
*SNIFF I'm so proud to be an American.
11/10.
Brought tears to my eyes.
By Azura, this is good! i1.ytimg.com/vi/AU0NO47Uuto/hqdefault.jpg
This is the reason, why you Rainbow Bob, are who I think of when I think of success on fimfiction.
This thing was so over the top and given that the 4th is coming up, I just had to give this a go! I was not disappointed!
Question.
The part with President Kennedy, was that an insult to President John F. Kennedy, I'm just curious?
I like the story, the Washington part was badass.
But the Kennedy part kind of made me have a little "Uhh...." moment, if you know what I mean.
4610813 Jericho has been there and done that many times that you better start calling him daddy.
4610796
It's just comedy. Nothing can be sacred in a good routine. Therefore there's going to be some slamming of popular people. It's merely inevitable. Also it's just for laughs try not to take the humor here too seriously. I certainly didn't.
4610842
Sorry, its just that I never viewed Kennedy that way, and that he was also assassinated.
But I like the story, and I also believe everyone is entitled to their own creativity, so I will say nothing more.
10/10 - Great Read - Average Fimfiction Reader's Comment
10/10 - Amazing! - Random Magazine
11/10 - 'Nuff said! - KingoftheMuffins
10/10 - So. High. Lol. - Dank Reviewers
Jesus, Bob... you always spoke to my heart.
We have Gene Kranz the Houston Space Center. We'll fix this problem in seconds!
4610833
Jericho is a mix of psychopathic tendencies and screwed up humor. That's why everyone loves it.
FREEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOMMMMMM
Fuck yeah, Kennedy!
th03.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2012/270/4/0/john_f__kennedy_alien_hunter_by_sharpwriter-d4pkjm8.jpg
This is one of the strangest stories I've ever read and I loved every second of it!
9999/10
Somewhere, Liberty Prime has the strangest boner...
4610524
He was lying. You are no longer allowed to write pony fan fiction because you were . . .
TARDY!!!!!!!
I will be honest: I thought the George Washingtion in the pic was a Motorized Patriot until I enlarged the image XD.
4610704
That's the rule of soft magic, man.
4610660
It is very silly. I wouldn't say he isn't trying.
4610744
Man, I want you to think of me when you think of success.
Tell me - what would make you think of a big, metallic dragon when you think of success?
4610796
JFK was infamously adulterous, man. He would invite women into another room for a "serious conversation" (read: sex) at parties and get laid.
4611152
The joke of that drawing, incidentally, is that it is the "finished" version of the unfinished portrait of George Washington.
That artist has drawn a bunch of awesome things. You should check them out.
So this happened. Best part? Science can explain it. Take that ya magically dependent pony bastards.
Oh sweet Jesus was that good.
4611161 He has USA labeled number one in blog post. Clearly he isn't in a proper state of mind.
4610976
Nah, Abe is better.
fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2010/333/9/a/abe_lincoln_riding_a_grizzly_by_sharpwriter-d33u2nl.png
4611938 jesseingall.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/181594_205131609500246_117135654966509_895775_6683359_n.jpg
No Teddy Roosevelt
fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/053/a/b/_questria__by_dori_to-d77lbrw.png
I found this relevant, imma just leave it here...
4611973
th06.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2011/226/4/7/fdr_battle_master_by_sharpwriter-d46ks2j.jpg
How about FDR? I mean, just look at him.
I can't help but feel a sense of irony here...within hours we both release a fic starring George Washington, and they are two sides to the same coin...Fate be whack Dawg!!!
I don't know what the heck this is, but I have to read it.
4610976
4611938
4611973
Where did you guys find these magnificent patriotic pieces?!?! I can almost feel my blood boiling with freedom!
4612133
In the good old US of A
31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2ng4g5vDz1qgwfln.jpg
Commie free, and breathing with Freedom.
4612133
http://sharpwriter.deviantart.com/gallery/, FEEL THE FREEDOM IN YOUR BONES!
That's it, I'm done.
I'm just goign to go suffocate in a pillow now while my head explodes out of randomness.
In all seriousness, this was a laugh riot. Another good job, Rainbowbob!
Hey, that rhymed!
1. Nightmare Moon
2. Discord
2.5. Chrysalis (Instrumental, but not the actual savior)
3. Sombra (Ditto)
4. Plunder vines
5. Tirek
Definitely five.
As for the story, I can only describe it as Bobtacular. I like to think that Washington's immortal corpus grew too powerful for a single body to contain and transcended such bounds, becoming the Elemental Plane of Patriotism. It is home to countless patriotism elementals, most of which look like eagles. Thank you for another look at one of the more surreal Equestrias out there.
I love you, Bob.
So thanks for that.
4612392
Take... take your pants off.