After a mysterious cloud brings Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie to the unknown land of Leaven, they desperately search for a way home. Fortunately, they happen upon the Harmony Force and their benevolent ruler, Princess Leina. However, as they continue to search for their way home, they soon discover that something within this seemingly peaceful town is threatening to end their lives.
Will they make it home? Or will they be forced to live in Leaven, where something unnatural is sure to occur?
My entry for the Most Dangerous Game Contest
Chapters (1)
The Good: Some nice action sequences.
The OC's where pretty good. Not memorable, but they fill their purpose well.
Using a less members of the Mane six worked very well in your favor.
The Bad: Its a little to short. This would have been much better had more time been spent fostering the illusion of how nice the world is, thus making it more unexpected and heartbreaking when it collapses.
There isn't an explanation for who exactly is fostering the illusion, given that you said Princess Leina died,
All in all, I give it 3 out of 5. Not Bad
4609462 Agreed on several points. I wanted this story to be longer, but I ran out of time and space. And if you ask me, the ending was incredibly rushed. I felt like I was fighting the clock and had to cut a lot of scenes from the story to make it work. (Since the limit as far as the contest was concerned was only 15000 words.)
And you are right, it would have benefited from being longer and explaining things. For example: in the original draft, more time was spent getting to know the OC's (excluding Princess Leina) so you get more of a connection when they sacrifice their lives for the group. Unfortunately it got cut.
More time was original devoted to Applejack and Star Fighter. Suggesting that they might have an interest in each other, but still not completely force it or come out and say it. But again, it had to be cut.
And there was originally an explanation why Princess Leina was able to create the world. In death, her spirit became jealous of life. After seeing everypony die in the war that was caused by her death, her jealous and hatred warped into dark magic that allowed her to create an illusion of herself and everything around her. She was running the entire world and wasn't able to create everything to the last detail, which is why the books in the library were blank.
Why this was cut? ... Because I'm an idiot.
This one is one of the parts of the story that should have been explained better. I hadn't even thought about the fact that I had cut it, until you brought it up.
Originally, it was supposed to be explained in a scene with Celestia after they've returned home. Celestia was supposed to explain the theory of how she accomplished it, along with more dialogue from Princess Leina that suggested it. But again, that didn't end up happening.
I'm not trying to make excuses for myself (even though that's exactly what I'm doing) I acknowledge that there are some serious problems with this. As I said in my author's note, this is not one of those stories I'm particularly proud of. As a result, I may end up taking it down after judging for the contest is over, since I don't like having things on this website that I don't feel good about.
Anyway, I'm rambling now. Thank you for you honest words as always, my friend.
And I'm sorry I wasn't able to get it to you for proofreading before the contest due date. 
4611883
Hey, its fine. No harm, No foul. I really hope you win.
4613980 Thanks.
Here's to hope. 
Had to register just now to post this, but i loved this story so good job. When i got to the point when Morning Glow was talking to them about the mirror and how he said he wouldnt rest till he found them a way home i felt such a powerfull connection i couldnt explain untill i realised that the plot and flow of this story was just like that one episode of the animated Justice League when Flash,GL and hawkgirl got sent to parallel world where the Justice sociaty of America as well as the town they were in was a ficticious creation by disfigured human boy who had survived that world end, creating the heroes and the town with his powerfull mental powers, but was ulitimatly defeated by his creations and the league. Your story used the plot extremely well and would have loved to of seen an MLP episode just like it, well done!
4617025 Yeah, a lot of it came from the episode. But I would have liked to do more with the original characters and at least try to make it more original.
You know, the writing in this needs some serious work, but I enjoyed the story regardless. Though it doesn't seem to have an explanation for what exactly happened.
4641140 Thank you for your words. I'm glad you enjoyed it, but would you mind elaborating on what I can do to improve my writing? I would really like to hear your thoughts.
4644247
From my notes, I noticed fast pacing, lack of variety in sentence structure, flat characters, and typos. The romance angle needs some work, too. This link features a bunch of writing guides and editing/review groups on this site that can help you revise and polish. :)
4645382 Thank you for your words and the link. I will be sure to put them to good use.
4645806
Quite welcome. :)
The concept here is decent. I was interested in learning more about this strange world and how it functioned like the particular magic behind it. i also wondered if the princess was a ghost or something of that nature. It's hard to say. It's not bad. 5/10.
5448278 I'm glad you reviewed this one. This one was done for a contest and it's probably the only story on this site that I'm not proud of. I rushed it out to get it to the deadline and to fit it into the word limit and that resulted in a lot of it feeling rushed at the ending.
I'm glad you enjoyed what you did. I'd love to go back and work on it again one day, giving it the proper time and devotion to it, but I just hadn't found that motivation to do so.
I'm glad you are looking at more of my work and I honestly hope to do better with every story I write.
5448502
I hope so too. Since this is a new year, you can see it as a new year of opportunity to improve your writing.
5448673 I'm always hoping for that.