- Member Since 26th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen Jul 11th, 2014
UnholyOffspring
I love Pony fics and am really interested in making my own~ I've never done fanfictions before but would enjoy trying~
UnholyOffspring
Joined 26th Jun, 2014 ·
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Hello UnholyOffspring!
After taking a look at the story, I see that your descriptive elements are great for a first time writer and story was good. However, I just have a problem with the format.
While separating your sentences to convey the different feelings for each character is proper when they are specking, it doesn't really work out when you are narrating them. A simple fix to this will be to combine the beginning sentences into two / three paragraphs (while taking out some details).
Also, "When you speak in a quote," there is suppose to be a commas. Not periods.
Other than a few missedspaces between words, I think you have promising writing. Just don't give up and ignore the hate comments! *brohoof* /)
- JR Black Wing
P.S. Don't be afraid to also ask for someone to help you edit the story as well and THANK YOU for not having serious grammar problems!
This was good, for a first fiction. Have a like my friend.
PS: I find you name and my name very... different.
4606546 Thank you for the like~
P.S: The username really just came to mind when I was thinking up something new to use on my DA account, UnholyOffspring I just thought sounded cool lol~
4606104 Thank you for the criticism, I really appreciate it and will take all you said into note~ I'm going to have one of my close friend (who have been writing longer them me) revise it for me then I'll update the story~
Thank you again~
just.... one sec.....
Great story though!! Could use another chapter... mabey from the cmcs pov?? again, great story, gonna go cry now......
.....
4608718 Awww, i'll think about it, I was just making something short for my first story~
4608483 You are welcome! Have my favorite in return!
hmm...
oh, dear.
Oh it must have been Scootaloo. Dash is grieving so much because Scootaloo's her favorite. I wonder what tragic death the author will have thought up to insert into this completely innocuous canon episode. Maybe wild animals? Some sort of a head injury? Something tragic that could happen out in the wilderness. Hmm...
Wait a sec...
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