Fluttershy with a Short Mane
Fluttershy with a Short Mane
“Where is Fluttershy?” Rainbow Dash was sitting with her friends in the main hall of the giant, new castle, bored stiff.
“She’ll be here, Dash,” Twilight Sparkle answered, “Besides, it’s only been ten minutes.” She looked out one of the windows, where the wind and rain were doing a number to it and the rest of the castle. “And with that storm outside, I would have been late too if I lived as far as Fluttershy does from here.
“Really?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Well, no,” Twilight said sheepishly.
“Patience is a virtue, Rainbow,” Rarity replied. “After all, what could you possibly be doing right now with that going on?” She pointed to the storm raging outside.
“You do know it’s sunny above the clouds, right? And besides, flying through a thunderstorm is some of the best training I can get.”
“Really? How’d ya reckon?” Applejack asked.
“With all the wind and rain holding you back and the lightning and thunder distracting you, you’ve got to be on your top game to fly in one of those bad boys.”
“Well the storm is scheduled until 9:00,” Twilight said. “And Fluttershy did ask us all to be here for a reason. I’m sure whatever she wants with us won’t take that long. After we’re done, you can go flying to your heart’s content.”
“Yeah I’d just wish she’d get here,” Rainbow replied. “What do ya think she called us for anyways?”
“OOO, maybe it's to tell us she’s really a vampire!” Pinkie Pie interjected. “Or maybe that she’s really behind the Kenneighdy assassination. Or maybe that-“
“Ah think that’s enough, Sugarcube,” Applejack said, lowering her hoof from her pink friend’s mouth.
At that moment, the door to the castle opened. Fluttershy, wearing a dull gray rain cap and trench coat, entered.
“Oh, my, is it bad out there.” Fluttershy shook herself and her clothes in an attempt to dry them. “Sorry I’m late.”
“It’s alright, Sugarcube,” Applejack replied.
“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” Twilight said. “Please, you can just set your coat over there,” She pointed to chair where the others had placed their rain gear. “Come and tell us what you wanted to talk about.” She gestured towards the table the other five were sitting around.
Fluttershy gulped. “Well, here goes.” She said as she removed her coat and hat. Instead of her naturally long, flowing mane, a short one took its place. Still the same shade of pink, her mane now only reached the back of her neck where it ended flatly. The same had been done to her tail, only being able to cover her flank. Her friend stood wide eyed at Fluttershy’s haircut.
“Well, what do you think?” Fluttershy asked nervously.
Rainbow was the first to react. A wide smile appeared on her face, and she clutched her chest as she fell to the floor. “He, He, He” was all that came from her.
“Rainbow!” Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight Sparkle yelled in unison.
“So you don’t like it?” Fluttershy said, blushing and tears forming in her eyes. She tried to hide behind her mane, but given its new length, proved to be difficult.
“Nonsense, Darling,” Rarity said, moving over to comfort the yellow pegasus. “I think it looks fabulous.”
“Really?” Fluttershy asked.
“Of course,” Rarity said. “Not many ponies can pull off a short mane like you have. I certainly know I couldn’t. Your tail is a little boxy for my taste, but you pull it off wonderfully.”
“And you’re still super cute,” Pinkie Pie said. “How do you do it? I mean first you’re a bat, then you’re the Hulk, and now you’ve got a great new haircut and you’re still as cute as ever. Tell me how you do it!” Pinkie said, violently shaking Fluttershy before Applejack stopped her.
“The real question here is do ya’ll like it?”
“I think so,” Fluttershy replied.
“Then that’s all that matters.” Applejack said. “Ya can ignore this one,” She pointed to Rainbow Dash, who was still on the floor, wiggling about.
“Well, I’d still like to know what you think about my new manecut, Applejack, if you don’t mind.”
Applejack rubbed the back of her head. “Ah like it, it’s just Ah’m so used to ya with long hair. It’s gonna take some time to get used to it, but I think ya look fine, though Ah ain’t no fashion pony.”
“I like it too,” Twilight said. “What made you decide to get it cut anyways?”
“Well, to be honest, I didn't,” Fluttershy said. “At least not recently.”
“What do you mean?” Twilight asked.
“Well, you remember when the Cutie Mark Crusaders were reporters?” Applejack, Pinkie, Rarity and Twilight all nodded in agreement. “Well, their report about me using hair extensions wasn’t wrong, though I don’t use them to the lengths that they reported, but I do use them. At least I do until my mane grows out to the length you normally see.”
“Whatever do you do that for dear?” Rarity asked. “We all get manecuts from time to time. There’s no need to cut your mane off completely, unless you’re afraid barbers. Are you afraid of barbers?”
“No,” Fluttershy replied. “What I usually do is once my mane is long enough, I go and donate most of it to charity. Then I wear some synthetic extensions until it grows back.”
“That’s really kind of you, Fluttershy,” Twilight said. “Why didn’t you tell us sooner? We would have been more than supportive.”
“Well, the last time I got it cut was right after the Nightmare Moon incident, and I just meet all of you, so I wanted to let my mane grow out a bit before telling you.”
“Why this is one of the bravest, most generous acts I have seen,” Rarity said. “I don’t think I could even do what you’ve done, Fluttershy. Celestia help whoever touches my mane.”
“Weren’t you the one who cut off her tail to help some sea snake?” Applejack asked.
“Shut up, I’m trying to make her feel better.” Rarity whispered through her teeth into Applejack’s ear. “In fact, I think we should hold a party for your courage. What do you say, Pinkie?”
“Actually I think we should tone down the parties for now,” Pinkie Pie said to a shocked audience. “See, the third rule of parting is everything in moderation. And with all the parties being held around here, they’re starting to lose their meaning and become mundane, which is something a party should never ever be. And on top of all that, some folks were complaining about us having a party or some kind celebration every other episode.”
“Episode?” Fluttershy asked.
“WEEK! Every other week.” Pinkie said, looking around nervously.
At this point Rainbow Dash had regained enough composure to lift herself onto the table. Sweating heavily, she turned to look at Fluttershy. Once more she fell over.
“Okay Dash, it wasn’t funny the first time.” Twilight said. “At least try to be supportive of Fluttershy. You are the Element of Loyalty after all.”
“He, he… help,” Rainbow Dash barely managed to say.
Twilight went over to the downed pegasus “Rainbow, are you alright?” she further inspected Rainbow Dash. “Girls, come quickly! I thing Rainbow is having a heart attack!”
“Well your friend here did suffer a heart attack, just not a normal one,” the doctor pony said.
“What do you mean, doc?” Applejack asked.
“Rainbow Dash suffered from a severe venerandum cor impetum cultro.”
“In Equestrian please,” Applejack retorted. “Actually make sense in context,” She muttered to herself.
“Basically your friend had a cuteness induced cardiac arrest. See, what happens is that when the brain is bombarded with a certain amount of cuteness, the cerebral cortex goes haywire and stops telling the heart to act normally, which caused the attack. It also forces the pony undergoing the attack to smile like they’re crazy.”
“So you’re telling me it is possible to die from something being too cute?” Twilight asked. The doctor nodded. “Then why weren’t the rest of us affected?”
“It’s a beauty in the eye of the beholder sort of case. Rainbow Dash saw something that she interpreted as cute ,which led to her condition. This could happened with any image, so long as the pony afflicted thought it was cute. I even heard about a case caused by a spider.”
“Will she be alright, doctor?” Rarity asked.
“She had quite a rough case,” the doctor replied “She had to watch that one scene from ‘The Thing’ ten times before her vitals stabilized. But she’s in fine condition now, resting. She’ll make a full recovery. I’ll take you to her if you want.” The doctor gestured towards the ward, and the group followed him to Rainbow’s room.
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I liked the cover picture, but loved the story.
In in all honesty, however, I was kind of thinking Rainbow Dash would have been diagnosed with diabetes due how cute 'Shy looked. Either way, great story.
Also, what's the password?
Well this contiue?pls?
4684505 wtf (seriously, that's the password) It's currently being reviewed for submission so hopefully it should be out soon.
Why did I click on the scene. Oh y'know why, BECAUSE I'M TO CELESTIA *squee* CURIOUS!! GAHAHAH Good story otherwise.
Not bad at all. Only a few points to make.
First, your sentence structure is a little awkward and stilted, and as such, the characters and actions sound and feel a little robotic. Go over it a few times, maybe with an editor, that'll even it out nicely.
No real spelling or grammar issues that I could see, so not bad at all.
Third (and this is the important one):
I have never seen anything ruin more could-be-great stories more completely than 4th wall Pinkie. Seriously. Not only is it awkward and forced, it completely ruins the tone of a story. That shit's just not funny.
All in all, just work it over with an editor and a pipe wrench and you'll have a pretty damn good little slice of life.
Years later, John Carpenter's original The Thing is still the scariest movie I have ever seen.
According to google:
venerandum cor impetum cultro = The heart of adorable knife attack
Google is weird.
4685143 I don't even remember what I put into Google
But it was suppose to be something like "adorable induced heart attack". I now prefer Google's answer.
Half way through, I was thinking, "Rainbow Dash can handle her friend changing races, but she can't handle a simple haircut?"
4685047 NO.
We do NOT talk about that.
Ever.
Well, add this story to the ever growing list of why I love Fluttershy and why she is best pony.
I also listened to this the entire time.
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0kGAz6HYM8]
It added drama.
It was wonderful.
4684797 Thanks for the critique.
As for the first point: I think that's just my writing style, Engineer undergrad here so I tend to go very straight forward and with low frills in my writing. English was never my subject anyways. As for the third I think that can be a matter of personal taste, but your reasoning is sound if a little passionate. I think one joke wouldn't break it but I can see multiple ones hampering a story, unless that's the point of the story.
4685713 Yeah she's my favorite too. Also I just realized all but one of my stories feature her as the main character or necessary secondary character.
4685047 :The movie that used to scare me the most was Pink Floyd: The Wall. Seriously, watching that when your five will mess you up, (especially the meat grinder).
4684512 Probably not, sorry. I've got nowhere else I want to take this.
4685798 I can fully understand that (Some of my drinking buddies are engineers, I know the mindset). Again, just work it over with someone and smooth it out a bit, it'll flow much better.
As for Pinkie jokes, here's the thing. Most people hate them. HATE them. It's the sort of thing that rips someone right out of the story and annoys them immediately.
Here, let me tell you a little story about a fic I read one time. I’m not going to go into a lot of specifics, because I really don’t want to call anyone out, but I’m going to tell you enough. This fic was an exploration into the life of a background pony. It did its job amazingly well. It was a story about how they had a powerful secret, and how they had to hide it every day of their life. It told of their struggles, their heartache and their hard, hard work to keep their life and family in order and safe while still doing their duty. It was fantastically written and amazingly empathetic.
And then Pinkie Pie happened.
The author proceeded to kick the story square in the proverbial gonads, absolutely ruining any investment and making everything she had struggled so hard to achieve absolutely meaningless. There was suddenly no point to any of it, because of lol teh meemees and teh fourth wall and hahaha Pinkie knows about the intramanets and it’s all so fucking funny.
I know that’s not *quite* what you’re doing here, but it’s a slippery slope. Fourth wall jokes are NOT funny. People who use them tend to abuse Pinkie’s character in absolutely infuriating ways, and it can completely ruin an entire fic.
reminds me of the end of this:
SAFE! That said, if she said that they were on TV, they would probably shrug and say "Pinkie Pie. Don't question it."
The cover picture brought me here.
It's honestly pretty rare that writing makes me even snicker, but this made me chuckle a bit.
Fluttershy is cute no matter what form she takes or haircut she has.
That's Joseco's work.
4686145 Do you happen to have a web address I could use?
I love this story! It's great! When Pinkie's like "WEEK! Every other week." I laughed so much!
Keep up the great work
I'm favoriting because Fluttershy is cute and Rainbow Dash had a heart attack.
4686193
http://lovetomorrowlove.tumblr.com/post/10178952793/you-know-what-i-always-wanted-to-see-a
Google might be untrustworthy twats when it comes to privacy, but search by image is invaluable.
4687221 CUTE ATTACK
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
4684505 Password for what?
4685798 i see well its a good oneshot
4687829
It was for the Kenneighdy assassination highlighted region.
4687825 It's not long enough for a one shot
4685798
I wouldn't know, I actively avoid scary movies.
This is much better than the short-mane-Fluttershy idea I had.
Well...that was a thing. I'd argue that the ending was kinda weird...but considering how many times I've nearly slipped into a cuteness induced coma I'll let it slide. May want to change the genre tags though. This feels more like Slice-Of-Life and Random than Comedy.
"Unless you're afraid of barbers."
I'm pretty sure this should be "and I had just met all of you"
Cute, but the ending was kind of abrupt, and for a comedy tagged fic there were really zero laughs involved.. 6/10.
4689278 Unless you know what "The Thing" is, and trust me, it is a movie you don't want to watch, it may be old, but it still can scare the living daylights out of people.
I feel the ending was abrupt. Everything before that was good... until the heart attack... If you add the random tag, I'll give a like, because the heart attack falls more into line of random than comedy.
4690033 I watched a few seconds, was sickened and scared-something-close-to-out-of-my-mind and then just left.
....
.....
I NEVER WANNA SEE THAT AGAIN!
This was such a nice little read. Only the cover art hinted at more of a reaction than was given, in my opinion...
Nonetheless, it was a fairly nice read.
And here I was, thinking cuteness overload wasn't a real thing
4690061 I know it, even played the game. Just didn't even get a chuckle out of me though.
4687679 IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!
This could've been a fun story if not for the internal promotion of another story, 4th wall Pinkie, the Google Translate fail, and the heart attack thing. Oh, and it was kind of a dry read too.
4690102 Told ya.
Too much fourth wall breaking from Pinkie. Also, the ending could need to some work - it doesn't wrap up properly, so it feels like there's a last scene missing.
Otherwise, it's okay.
This happens to me on a daily basis.
Eh, I thought you'd use the scene with the dogs.
That makes no sense. Who is AJ talking to?
All she needs is a bow tie and she'd be the 11th doctor!
So now we have both a Latin term for, and a medical description of, "so moe I'm gonna die". That alone was worth the price of admission in my book.
4691876
She's talking to Fluttershy, but her accent's being needlessly exaggerated which makes it confusing.