Mysterious beginnings
A loud thud rang through the hollow halls of Ponyville's new castle, echoing through the vast chambers and empty doorways. This was not entirely uncommon these days, as it was when the massive structure had first appeared. It would seem that Rainbow Dash, the self-appointed greatest flyer in Equestria had taken a liking to Princess Twilight Sparkle's new front door, just as she had the front door of the now-ruined Golden Oaks Library. Her way of housewarming, everypony figured. Not that anypony would ever question her about it, lest they live in fear of her crashing into them.
Nevertheless, each of the guards stationed inside the doors shuddered at the sudden impact, their ears ringing at the echo of the sound in the crystalline structure. Each turned to the other, their standard "you know the drill" type of look, though for protocol's sake, voiced it anyways. "You go get the princess," one of them said. "I'll begin escorting Ms. Dash to her quarters." The second stallion walked off, turning a corner and beginning the short journey to the princess' chambers, where she would undoubtedly be studying... something or another that he wouldn't understand.
At the same time, the other guard turned and faced the door, steeling himself for whatever pathetic excuse the brash pegasus had come up with for crashing this time. He let out a long, heavy sigh. She knows we're here, he thought to himself. She could just knock... As he opened the door, however, he found himself caught in the trap of expecting. It was lesson number one in BASIC; expecting leads to surprise- surprise leads to dead guards. His nerves quickly calmed upon seeing no immediate threat outside the door. In its place was a grey-colored pegasus mare wearing the traditional mailmare uniform. The staggered eyes were a dead giveaway, as well as the bubbles for her cutie mark- this mare was no threat. "Hello there, Ms. Doo." He said in a slightly happier tone than usual. It was important, he maintained, to treat one's mailmare or marecolt with respect- they were the ones who decided when, if at all, you received any letters or packages due to you. "What have you got for us today?"
Reaching into her saddlebags with one of her wings, Ditzy Doo pulled out two stark white envelopes while saying, "Nothing much today, Captain. Got a letter from your wife in Canterlot, and another for Princess Twilight." Using her free wing, she handed off one of the letters to the captain, who took it graciously in his mouth and stuffed it into a pocket on the side of his armor for him to read later. The mailmare, however, kept the other tucked closely at her side.
After a couple of seconds, the stallion got impatient. The pegasus in front of him showed no intention of giving him the other letter. "If you would, ma'am," he began, miraculously keeping any hint of irritation out of his voice. "I'd be happy to take that to the princess for you."
"Uh-uh," Ditzy began. She looked the guard in the eye as best she could with her own, and continued in a gentle yet surprisingly demanding tone. "I was told and paid extra to see that I delivered this letter to Princess Twilight myself, and I fully intend on doing just that."
She's got work ethic, I'll give the mare that, the guard thought to himself while giving Ditzy an eye of mild suspicion before ushering her in. "Very well, but I'll be required to stay by your side at all times, and you'll have to leave your saddlebags inside the door." Such precautions were unnecessary, of course- for the life of him, the guardpony couldn't imagine Ms. Doo having anything to do with anything that could be called a "security risk". Stars, he couldn't think of Ditzy harming a fly (except by accidentally crashing into one. He'd heard she crashed quite a bit), let alone a pony of Princess Twilight's social status.
"I can accept that," she said in her most formal tone, getting into the mindset of visiting the castle. She didn't actually have any idea if that was necessary, having only visited the place once before, but she imagined it would. The castle was, after all, the home of royalty. When she saw that her new attitude had almost- almost, mind you- made the guardpony in front of her smile, she quickly abandoned it as unnecessary.
As the two walked through the long, empty hallways of the castle, nothing was spoken between the two ponies. Rather, they allowed the time taken on the walk to pass in comfortable silence. Finally, after a few minutes long enough for said silence to start becoming awkward, the doors to Twilight's bedchambers came into sight, a single guard posted outside.
"Lieutenant," the guard escorting Ditzy said. "You were supposed to be seeing that Princess Twilight was ready for guests. Care to explain yourself?"
Despite the harshness in his superior's tone, the other stallion was quick to recover. "I knocked, Sir, but nopony answered. I presumed she was studying again, and therefore did not wish to be disturbed."
"Of course she's studying," the other officer mumbled under his breath. "She's always studying."
He turned to Ditzy and was about to suggest she return another day before the thought was quickly interrupted by the mare. "That's OK," she half-yelled, as though attempting to get Twilight's attention with her voice. Clearly, she didn't know the violet alicorn all too well- during these study sessions, nothing short of Equestria's imminent (less than, say, an hour away) destruction. That didn't stop the pegasus, however, from trotting up and knocking loudly on the door.
"Ma'am, if she didn't answer the first time, its because she didn't want to be disturbed. I'm sure if you came back some other time..."
The guardpony's voice was cut off by a loud moan followed by a louder "I'm coming, already!" from somewhere behind the door. In a few short seconds, before anypony could question why it had ended up being Dizty's knock that finally got the attention of somepony in the room, the door flung open, revealing a short, purple scaled, obviously irritated dragon. "Is this important? 'Cause I was in the middle of a nap."
The pegasus mare opened her mouth to speak, but was quickly cut off by the sergeant next to her. "Apologies, sir, but Ms. Doo here has a letter she was asked to deliver personally to Princess Twilight. May we speak with her?"
In the two years since it happened, young Spike had never gotten used to ponies calling his caretaker, boss, and near-sister "Princess". He didn't think he ever would, either. To him, she would always just be "Twilight". "Twi? No, she's at the spa with Rarity. As her number one assistant, I would be happy to take it on her behalf," He said, flaring his stomach out while closing his eyes and holding his thumb to his chest, pointing at himself as though to say that being assistant to the princess was truly an accomplishment worthy of pride, despite the fact that he had been her assistant long before her ascension.
"No thanks, Spike." The words were enough to snap the young dragon out of his self-induced obsession with himself. "I'll just go give it to her." As he opened his eyes, he was met with the sight of the mare walking away. He shot a confused glance to each of the guards, only to see the both of them give him the exact same look.
"Why were we not informed of the Princess's immediate travel plans?" the captain asked, directed to nopony in particular.
"She doesn't tell you these things so you won't follow her around. You make her uncomfortable," Spike replied, earning himself an honest-to-Celestia Honor Guard death stare. Interestingly enough, the young drake seemed to be immune to the thousand year old intimidation technique. Shrugging his own shoulders, Spike walked back to into his room and closed the door behind him. The two guards shrugged at each other, then began their own journey back back to the castle doors.
"Just trying to do my job," the captain mumbled under his breath.
"This was a good idea. I'm glad you convinced me to make the time for this."
In all the years she considered Rarity to be a friend, it surprised Twilight that she never actually just sat down at the Ponyville Day Spa and enjoyed being pampered. Now it could be explained with the whole "I'm a princess now, ponies want to pamper me all the time" speech, but before? No, there wasn't a single excuse. Sure, she'd been a few times before, but never really enjoyed it- less of an activity between friends and more of an obligation. Such a shame, Twilight thought to herself as she allowed the steaming water around her to soak her fur thoroughly and begin working its magic on her skin underneath. There was, she decided, a reason Fluttershy and Rarity kept coming back. "I'm going to start having to come with you two every week."
Rarity shot back from her friend as though appalled or disgusted by something about her, though the unicorn wore a devilish grin on her face. "Just like that? Darling, you said it took you a month to clear today for your schedule, and you can just decide to make it a weekly thing at will?"
"I did not say that!" Twilight rebuked.
"Yes you did, Twilight." The two mares in the hot tub shot each other a confused look before looking out towards the front of the room. The pegasus there had been so quite throughout the entire day that her fellow spa-goers had nigh forgotten about her on the preening table. "Something about 'extra hard studying', if I remember correctly."
True, Twilight was ever so happy for her timid friend after she began to show real improvement in her self-imposed "assertiveness training", but at this point, she may have preferred it if she could have "timid, can-barely-talk-in-public Fluttershy" back. It would likely make explaining this whole mess to Rarity a lot easier. She inwardly groaned and made a mental note to teach Fluttershy the meaning of "secret" later.
"Tsk, tsk, dear. A month of 'extra hard studying'?" Twilight looked up at her from her now sullen position and attempted to begin formulating a response before she noticed that the white unicorn was enjoying herself, if the rather infectious smile spreading across her face was any indication. She heard the spa ponies chuckle to themselves, and silently thanked the Goddesses that in their line of work it was a job requirement to be a pony of discretion. Unlike Fluttershy. The alicorn was snapped out of her thoughts as Rarity continued. "Mark my words, Twilight. One of these days, we're going to drag you outside to do something with us, and Celestia as my witness, you will enjoy the sunlight!"
This brought a fit of giggles to all five of the present mares as a small ringing sounded throughout the spa, loud enough to be heard, but quiet enough to be unobtrusive. Aloe, who was attending to Fluttershy's wings at the time, called out to her sister. "Lotus, vould you get zat? I'm busy vith Ms. Fluttershy!"
"Coming!" Soon, the sky blue pony entered the foyer from some unknown location, heading towards the front desk. A young, gray pegasus mare stood in the doorway, her staggered eyes trying their best to follow the spa pony along her walk. "Oh, 'ello, Ms. Doo. Vat can vee do for you today?"
Sure, the spa never got much mail, and Ditzy certainly couldn't afford any kind of treatment here, but come one- she's Ditzy Doo; everypony knows her. "I've got a letter here for Princess Twilight and was told she was here?"
Rather than speak, Lotus simple pointed a hoof towards the steam tub, wherein sat the mailmare's quarry. "Hello there, Ditzy!" Twilight called out as said pegasus began her journey across the foyer. "You do know you could have just left it with my guards or assistant, right?"
The grey pony was now standing right next to the bath, using a wing to reach into her saddlebags and pull out that plain, unmarked white envelope. "Not today, I couldn't. I was told specifically to deliver this right into your hooves. Or wings. Or magic. Or mouth, I suppose, if you feel like being that kind of earth pony, but..."
Fortunately, Twilight Sparkle was wise enough to cut off the bubbly mare before the rant could continue. "Thank you, Ditzy. I appreciate your work ethic, bringing this to me. I'll stop by the post office some time and bring a tip." Twilight took the envelope in her magenta-hued magic and set it next to her on the edge of the large tub.
"Alrighty, then, Princess. See ya later!" With that, Ditzy left, her unknown package no longer restricting her schedule for her round of the day.
Twilight slipped back into the bath, closing her eyes and letting the steam once again work its magic. I really should try the sauna sometime. Rarity swears by the Goddesses it feels so divine...
"Well?" Rarity spoke up after a few moments, impatience seeping its way into an otherwise unusually chipper tone.
"Well what?" The violet mare opened one eye to look at the unicorn, keeping the other closed so as to enjoy the bath more.
"Aren't you going to open it? It might be something important. After all, it was hoof delivered rather than being left in the company of your assistant."
Twilight mentally admitted that the thought had crossed her mind. Maybe, just maybe, when she first came to Ponyville all those years ago, she would've heeded those words and immediately checked the contents of the envelope. Maybe. Her studies, however, reinforced one idea into her mind, one idea that led to the rejection of even wanting to open it right away. With no markings on it, she wasn't sure she wanted to open it at all. That idea was, of course, that friends came first. Regardless of the contents, it could wait until after she was done with the spa trip.
"No," she began, drawing immediate surprise from Rarity and even making Fluttershy look up from the table she was laying on in order to get a better view of the situation, despite there being nothing to really see. "It can wait."
"I'm not so sure, darling. I mean, what if it's from..."
"It can wait, Rarity." Twilight's interruption would've seemed rude to any passerby, but her friends new that it was just her way of saying that it could, in fact, wait. Which was strange, because to Twilight, anything of that kind of potentially academic nature could never wait.
A small cough came from the direction of the foyer, wherein Aloe had finished preening Fluttershy and was obviously trying to get the attention of the other mares. "I don't mean to interrupt, but we're ready for your hooficures now."
Sure, Aloe might have been a professional, but she could get impatient, too. Noticing this, the two mares in the bath almost burst into a fit of giggles before finally deciding on a conscious state of being able to control themselves. Getting out of the large basin, Twilight grabbed the envelope before turning to the spa pony and saying, "Aloe, would you be so kind as to put these in my saddlebags?"
"Of course, Princess Twilight." With that, each of the mares turned to their respective destinations, the letter placed in a special spot in the back of Twilight's mind.
It can wait, she kept telling herself.
Home sweet home, Twilight thought to herself as she settled into her dramatically oversized bed in the middle of her chambers, next to a much smaller one which now housed Spike, fully engrossed in one of his comic books. I guess he really doesn't feel any differently about the Power Ponies since he experienced their world, the mare thought. She did a quick visual search of the room and located her reading choice for the night- a massive textbook over ancient Equestrian history Princess Cadence had sent her as a castle-warming present a while back, though she was only just now getting around to reading it several months later. Some light reading, she wrote in her note. In case you get bored one night.
Now, Twilight would readily admit that a textbook wouldn't seem like "light reading" too many ponies... OK, it wouldn't seem like light reading to anypony other than herself, but that was fine. She enjoyed it, so what else mattered?
She had just barely began the first paragraph when the princess heard a magical-sounding "poof" somewhere behind her, though she didn't even need to look up from the page to know who it was.
"Discord, what did I tell you about showing up in my castle- no, my home- unannounced and uninvited?" she asked in a deadpan voice. It wasn't that she didn't like having him around, per se, but she liked to know he was coming so she could "Discord-proof" all the books in her small but ever expanding library downstairs.
"Well now, 'Princess' Twilight, it hardly seems fair to talk that way to someone who just so happens to be the entire reason you have this castle!" The draconoquus wore one of those ever annoying and somehow infections ear-to-ear style grins, not unlike the ones he would have way back when he was still the unreformed God of Chaos.
"I'm sorry?" Twilight finally turned around to face him, though she wasn't quite ready to get up yet. That would mean that she would have go and find her spot again once this was all over. She simple prayed it would be over quickly. "You did nothing in giving me this castle! Nothing whatsoever!"
"Well," Discord began. "I did give you the last key to the Chest of Harmony, allowing you access to the Rainbow Power, causing the defeat of Tirek and the spawn of this very castle from the ground."
"Which would have likely never happened if it weren't for your antics?" The words didn't come off nearly as harsh as Twilight had hoped, rather, they seemed almost joking. As much as she hated to admit it, he was right- without him, she wouldn't have the castle. "What do you want?"
"I had heard you received a strange letter today. I was simply wondering if you'd read it yet."
"Yes I did, and no, I haven't." It was a good few seconds before the last piece of that particular puzzle clicked into place. "Wait, how did you know about that?"
"Never mind that, you really should read it." The god's smile flatlined, replaced by a near-dead expression.
Twilight almost began to ask why he cared so much before he snapped his fingers together, disappearing from the room entirely. The alicorn breathed a long, heavy sigh. By Her stars, the next time I get my hooves on him... she started to say to herself, before being quickly cut off by Spike at the foot of her bed.
"You want me to go get it?" he asked.
"I would appreciate that, Spike."
He left main chamber and walked into a walk-in closet, although closet might not have been the best word. It was more than large enough to be its own separate bedroom. He quickly found Twilight's saddlebags, and in them, a blank white, unmarked envelope. He pulled it out and almost ran back to the bedroom. He was, after all, just getting to the good part of his comic.
He got up to the bed, placed the letter next to Twilight, and was just about to settle down for the rest of his own reading when she said to him, "Would my number one assistant care to do the honors?"
Spike groaned to himself before replying to his boss- more like a sister, really, but if he was her assistant, she was his boss- in a much more appropriate tone for addressing royalty. "I can see you're trying to get me to do extra work by appealing to my ego." He stood at the edge of the bed for a moment, debating with himself what to do next. "And I'll be if it's not working."
As she watched him take the envelope in his claw, she stifled a small elation before saying to him, "Look at you using big words."
Spike, of course, blushed a little at that before using his claws to open the flap and pull out a crisp, stark white piece of paper, folded into thirds. He unfolded it and began reading. "Dear my..." He paused. He wasn't sure he actually wanted to be reading this.
"Is something wrong, Spike?" Twilight's voice conveyed to him genuine worry. Not that she had anything to be worried about, he simply felt to himself that he shouldn't be the one reading that.
"You're going to want to read this yourself, Twi."
"You're not just trying to get out of work, are you?" The dragon shook his head. "Oh, alright, give it here."
She took the letter from him in her magic, and spent a minute or so reading it. Then another minute or so rereading it. Then again. After reading it about five times, she set it atop the cover to her book, her eyes wide.
"Oh," she said aloud. All other words couldn't find their way to her mouth.
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This story is brilliant, so far. A lot of different things going on, but none of them seem irrelevant. Is there a reason Ditzy was so insistent on delivering the letter? Is there something more to Rarity's "impatience" at Twilight not opening the letter? These are the questions I asked myself as I read, and that's an excellent effect for a story to have.
The timing is excellent. I don't find myself skipping anything, nor do I find myself wishing there was more detail. It's just the right amount to keep me interested and immersed.
Also, just a personal preference, I like that the story is centered around characters already in the show. It's always refreshing to see stories that aren't blatant self-inserts or Mary-sue oc's.
Good work! Keep it up!
The only thing that seemed off-kilter was the propensity for what looked like scare quotes: "greatest" flyer in Equestria, the "unreformed" God of Chaos, several others. Surely not everything in this scenario is sarcastic.
Otherwise, it's a hell of a good setup, and it gets an up.
4619313 Yeah, I see what you're talking about. I'll clean that up, it's just what came to mind when I was writing it.
4619299
Wow, thanks guys! seeing my story 5/0 means a lot to me, and I really do appreciate the votes of confidence here!
who is It from and I check the characters on the story but it seem to be from ether spike,rarity,or fluttershy...oh the drama!!
"Oh" haha best reaction ever
I'm intrigued. What, indeed, does the letter say....?
Well, I would say that this opening chapter is well written... It flows nicely with good characterization and as such it was enjoyable. The only real negative would be the artificial cliff-hanger... You didn't really establish a plot line or any reason to have us hanging onto what was in the letter more than idle curiosity. Instead, it comes across as "if you want to know what this story is actually about, you'll have to come back next time."
Once there is a second chapter posted this won't be an issue for future readers, but for now it's more disappointing than intriguing that it ends there.
4620127 that's actually pretty helpful advice, and I appreciate your input. I'll be sure to keep it in mind.
4619540 Oh, I do love a good drama! Wait...
4619732 I thought so too.
4619852 I'm glad I got you on the ropes!
Okay, I'm the last person in the world who would have the right to complain about cliffhangers! (And, actually, it's a pretty good hook to get your readers to keep reading.)
Other than that, my only suggestion would be to pare down some of the scenes. If something isn't related to the story, think about cutting it. For example, the guard also getting a letter in the first scene. If that's going to be important later, keep it. But if it's just a bit of making the world a little more fleshed-out, I'd say save that sort of thing for later in the story when the momentum of the plot will keep people reading. Right at the beginning it feels like a slow spot to me.
Otherwise, good work! You're keeping the ponies in character and have a very good set-up!
4622359 you know what? You really can't complain about cliff hangers, jackass.
Nah, I'm just messin' with ya. But know that world building is important.
4622529
4623424 besides, jt's supposed to be symbolic of the letter's importance.
Nice story. In the beginning, you had a few typos regarding your guard characters gender, calling them both a male and female, sometimes within the same sentence. And later on, as you would switch from speaker to speaker was rather dicey. I had to slow down and re read a couple lines, but nothing that really detracts from the story. Other than that? A damned fine story amigo. Looking forward to more.
Peace, Sam
4623897 happy to serve, and I appreciate your input. I'll look into that sometime when I'm nit on my iPod.
Qutie impressive, the fact that Spike is still a 'baby' dragon and sees Twilight as his sister disappoints me but I suppose not all stories can be Spilight, I would suggest an editor and proofreader with any future chapters, I honestly enjoyed this, can't wait to read more, also DERPY!!!!!!
4626335 mythological dragons lived for thousands of years. Spike is about 17. Besides, that would make for a much less heartbreaking tale I have planned.
4626619 I can agree with that, and fair enough point, shall read on
4633396 contrary to common belief, I do know what I'm talking about sometimes.
4633409
Here, here
4633417 yeah, yeah, laugh it up.
4626619 What to make it less heart breaking? Here is my onion try to say hat Spike is dating someone else or say that he lost interest in Rarity.
4643498 "Less" heartbreaking? Why would I want that?
4643761 you said you are going to make it less hart braking. Or are you just going to change your mind?
4645697 No, I said it wasn't SpiLight because it would be less heartbreaking.
4645998 oh..
4646042 Trust me. I know what Im doing.
HEAR YE HEAR YE ALL HAIL DISCORDS BULLSHIT AND THEN REALIZE THIS STORY IS TWILIGHT X DISCORD (mostlikely) AND THEN ALSO REALIZE SHITS GONNA GET REAL ~Sombra 2014
Also im writing an action/Romance on my channel only one chapter so far but i think its worth seeing
4743918 this is NOT Twilight x Discord. I would puke.
4743924 I might have to check that out.
FRICK MY SISTER SCREWED WITH MY PHONE NOW MY FIRST CHAPTER IS GONE p.s. Thank god its not that ship
4747367 ha! Sucks to suck!
Lol
Eeeeeeeeee! Very nice first chapter! Your writing style is also very fluid and great, and everyone seems very IC! I wish I hadn't waited until now to start reading whooops