Words
Fairy Tale Garden
by MissyAngel
Your name is not known to many ponies in Equestria--as in, none of them know. They had multiple names like “Naked Creature,” “Half Centaur Thing,” and only recently “Human Girl.” You’ve been called far worse, so they don’t bother you in the least. You even smile and greet them when the ponies pass by, because they’re finally getting used to you now. It’s actually kind of funny, such strange ponies calling you odd.
You’re watering the flowers in the long stretching, colorful garden, taking in the spring air. Taking a whiff of a scent of grass and something wondrous with no name, you let loose your blond hair, fingering through it to get the knots out. As you tighten your visor around the sweaty locks, you continue on with tending to the garden, a delightful smile on your face.
After weeks in Equestria, you found home in this quaint town called Ponyville. And you found a gift you never expected - gardening. Every variety, every color adorn your front house. Ponies compliment you when they pass by. Of course, you suck in the praise like a vampire, and one day your ego will grow and explode.
Until then, you smile warmly at the positive attitudes.
Footsteps can be heard not too far away, and they slow upon getting closer.
Oops, hoofsteps. You’ll never quite get used to replacing those terms. You straighten up and look up to see a purple alicorn standing behind the bright white fence. Her big purple eyes are filled with something oh so common coming from Princess Twilight Sparkle: curiosity.
But towards you? You chuckle under your breath. It is bound to happen, you suppose. You grin and wave at her. “Hey, Twilight!”
Smiling awkwardly - which you totally find adorable, but never say aloud for obvious reasons - Twilight waves back. “Hi, uh… you know, I don’t think you ever told me your name.”
“That’s not important. What’s up?” You lean against the fence, stretching out your lank, gawky legs after a long day of standing and walking around. They ache slightly, but it’s best to just ignore it for now.
“Can I come in? If you’re not busy, of course.”
“Just watering my plants, so I’m not doing much. Over here.” You point to a table underneath a parasol in the corner. Hurrying over to the fence, you unlock it and let Twilight inside.
She takes a seat with a nod of thanks, and you follow shortly after grabbing some cups and tea.
“So, what do ya want, exactly?” you ask, pouring some tea for two. Green tea--something you never even tried until waking up in Equestria. You add in a touch of lemon juice for an extra, soury taste.
“I just wanted to ask you a few questions.” Twilight bites her lips, and holy crap, she still looks adorably nerdy. You can’t stop the giggle bubbling in your throat.
“About what? What I am? Where I’m from?” Resting your cheek against your hand, you prepare for the onslaught of questions you bet she’s been dying to ask. In your head, you’re holding in the fact that you’d love to go on and on about home. If it made Twilight pique her interest in things like video games and musical devices, then you’d jump right in.
“Actually no. I’ll ask those another day," she says with a smirk that you give back. “I have… two big questions. It could take a while.”
You squint at her, sipping the tea to take time to respond. Her tone has grown serious, and you feel your palms grow sweat as her eyes bore right into yours. You try to smile to lessen the tension crawling up your spine, though now you decide to look around elsewhere. “I have time. How ‘bout the first one?”
“Are you planning on leaving anytime soon?”
Unable to hold it back, you chuckle, but it isn't as heartfelt as you wish. “Want me gone already? I thought we were getting along good, Twilight.”
Twilight’s eyes grow. “No, no, I didn’t mean it like that! I’m just wondering… you seem to like it here, but I imagine you’d want to go back home. You probably have family and friends who miss you,” she finally manages to get out, gaining back her composure.
Your eyes narrow, and a heavy breath escapes your breath. “I’m fine here. Really,” you answer, drawing your attention to a weed close by. Leaning over and with a single, harsh pull, you toss the little bugger in a nearby bin. "No need to worry about me."
Twilight taps her hoof on the table. “You seem to be. In fact, you’re getting along really well with everypony. I’m surprised. Usually strange new creatures take a while to, how do I put this… get accepted here in Ponyville? But it’s been three weeks. Wherever your home is, I’m certain that they’re getting worried--"
“I don’t have a way back home,” you cut her off. You push away any harshness back down your throat and stare down at the tea as it ripples in your grasp. “I don’t even know how I got here, so how the heck can I get back?”
“We found a way.”
An eyebrow shoots up, all attention brought back to Twilight, who smiles wide when both your eyes meet again. “How?”
Twilight’s magic sparks around her horn, and she levitates an object onto the table. Once the purple hue disappears, you shoot a look at the thing. And you frown, eyeing the princess again the second you realize what the thing is.
“Do you remember talking with Princess Celestia and Luna the first day you… came to Equestria?” she asks, quirking a brow.
"They're nice." You recall the day with an unpleasant feeling. Mostly due to the headaches - whether they were from the screaming ponies or whatever voodoo brought you to this world, you're still not quite sure. You shrug and decide to pick a tiger lily from a corner of the garden and twirl it between your fingers. They’re among your favorite here, and you don’t see many back home. “The guards gave me real mean looks, though.”
“You didn’t bow down to the princesses when you met them, so the guards probably didn’t like that.”
You snort noisily. “It might’ve been obvious they were royalty, but… okay, alright, fair enough. Anyway, the point?”
“Well, they talked to you about how you turned out to be a bearer of one of the Elements; how you were going to be the Element of Trust, to be exact, but you didn’t believe it. And you told me it was just a coincidence.” Once again, when she looks as you, as if urging you to speak, you turn anywhere else. “The Elements of Harmony were made to protect Equestra, but apparently, there was an extra made in another world.” She gestures to said ‘extra’ before continuing. “It was made in case of an emergency or if the rest needed to be found, and the bearer would be brought here to activate the Seventh element. Once it was activated and the Elements were used for whatever situation came along, the Seventh bearer could return to his - or her - own world.”
“It’s been pretty quiet here, though. Ever since I got here, too,” you point out, looking out onto the peaceful town. It was the epitome of quiet and serene, a cool wind kissing your face and no accidents to be had. A couple ponies that have passed by have greeted you like a friend. Rather than judge, they accepted the strange new creature without a name or origin.
You hate thinking of leaving.
“Well, I think there was a problem that caused you to arrive too late. You see, we had to deal with this monster called Tirek, and this was about a month ago. Without the Rainbow Powers, we might have needed to use the Elements, and that’s where you would’ve come in. But something must’ve happened, and… well, here you are.” Twilight nods.
Your jaw falls slack. “So me coming here was a mistake?”
“Yes and no,” Twilight answers. “You were just late.”
“I hate being late,” you joke, though you sulk in the comfortable chair knowing this information.
“I know the feeling.” She nods in agreement with a simper.
“So to go home, I have to, like, do something to earn someone’s trust. And there’s gotta be trouble happening, and when I help fix it, the necklaces will take me home?” you say, only wishing it sounded as easy as you said it. As you speak, your voice lowers, confidence drifting away.
“Exactly.”
You stare at the garden, all the colors that paint the front of your house. The smells that reach your nose when you step outside. The wonderful way it makes you feel just staring at an accomplishment. “... Can’t I stay?” Your voice cracks at the end.
“Huh?”
You know she heard that when her ears twitched. You ask again, slow and clear, “Can’t I just stay here? I like it here and all, so why not?”
Twilight tilts her head, staring and blinking as if comprehending that question. “You can, it’s just… I’d imagine you have a lot to go home to.”
“I did.” Your sip your tea with a huff, the slight heat rushing down your throat. You rub your fingers together and feel that comfortable conversation the two of you were having morph into something you never wanted to happen. “But not stuff I wanna come back to,” you murmur.
“Oh?” Of course she hears that. Her ears perk up high, and concern flashes in her eyes. “What’s that?”
“It’s nothing.” You wave her away and get up, catching her off guard. An unsettling feeling rumbles in your gut. Whether you’re uncomfortable or just hungry, it doesn’t matter. Your feet guide you to the front door, and for a second, you just think of shutting the door in front of the princess. For several reasons, this doesn’t happen.
“You can tell me," she says, walking up beside you. She flies up to meet you at face level, and staring into her eyes, you see more than a purple pony princess wanting to talk to the weird creature. That wasn’t the case before, but now you could see it clearly as she looks at you with big, concerned eyes. She asks with a sheepish smile, “We are friends, after all, aren’t we?”
You nod at her. “I just have a lot of problems with some friends back home, alright? Nothing you need to worry about.”
“Anything I can help with?” As if friends was the magic word, her wings flutter at just bit of a more rapid pace. Her expression doesn’t even change, but a gut feeling tells you enough about her enthusiasm here.
“Little too excited there, princess.” You pat her head, which causes her to shoot you a displeased look. “And unless you can do my college work for me, that’s probably a no.” Crossing your arms, you grin and catch sight of Twilight’s questioning gaze, which only deepens.
Then a shudder escapes, and you sigh. “Or if you know how to mend a broken friendship… even though it’s pretty much all your fault.” At first, you question just letting this all out, but if it means actually letting some hidden pain out, then all hesitance is out the window! Your throat tightens up, and oh boy, if those tears start coming...
“What happened?”
You do hesitate, boots digging into the dirt. “Okay, quiz time: what happens when you aren’t there for your friends when they need you most? And it’s the first time you’ve ever done it, and I don’t know what to do because I’ve never wanted to hurt my friends.”
Your vision blurs as a heavy sigh slips under your breath. However Twilight’s reacts, you can’t see anymore and rub your eyes vigorously. “And it’s not even one thing, it’s-it’s a group of tiny, simple things I could’ve done to never let it happen. Missing birthdays, making last minute excuses to not hang out with them, all that.”
“You can’t always be there for your friends,” Twilight says at last. You feel her patting your shoulder, and the feeling makes you feel kinda sorta good, like the support will make everything better. If only. “Things get in the way, and I’m sure they’d understand that.”
You shake your head, tears now slipping out. “I say sorry, but I don’t know if they realize I mean it or not. One day I had to borrow eighty bucks to buy a book for school, and my closest bud lent the money to me. Just said I should return it when I could."
"I… well, I never did. When he needed the money a couple days later, I couldn’t give it back in return. He was so upset, and I still don’t know if it’s towards me or not. It’s probably me!” You laugh loudly, and frighteningly, too. It’s an awkward laugh around your tears and the burst of all this angst you've been holding back. “I would take in their friendship and all those good things they do for me, but I never gave anything in return. I’m the worst.”
Brushing away the drops, you feel an anger rise in your chest. It explodes outward as you say through your teeth, “That’s why it’s a mistake, Twilight. How can I be an Element of Trust if I can’t be there for my friends when they need me? Even if it’s something small like money? Your princesses were wrong, Twilight. I’m not the one you’re looking for.” You point right at her, chest heaving and all that anger projected to her, which makes her step back.
Suddenly, the tears burst out and drip endlessly down your cheeks, and you drop onto your knees, face buried between them. Twilight remains silent for a minute as you let all that anger and guilt fall out, that facade of a cheerful person breaking apart, that smiling mask cracking. This world you love suddenly shifted, reality settling in and smacking you right in the face. You can't run away from it anymore; time to face the music!
You don’t know where to go anymore.
“You’re still wrong, you know.”
Teardrops staining your face, you look up to her, sniffling. “What do you mean?”
Twilight’s smile and confident stance tells you she’s preparing for a long speech. Boy, you are not in the mood for this crap. “At first, we didn’t know what to expect from our new guest in town. You were some unknown creature that we all thought would harm us. It took a while, but when you started living with us and everything, we realized you weren’t out to hurt us.”
“Then why hasn’t it activated?” Your voice cracks again, sounding young and vulnerable. “You say I’ve gained trust of everyone, but what if that isn’t true? What if they’re just playing nice, and th-the-then… they talk about me behind my back?”
Twilight’s face grows serious again. She was observing you as you spoke - not just watched, observed something on you. And you can’t quite figure out what. She frowns in a bothersome way, like she’s figuring out a problem that was actually really easy to solve. “I think there’s one more person who needs their trust in you.”
You lean back against the wall, pondering the list of important ponies who might need your trust. “The princesses? They seem to like me. Luna bugs me in my dreams, though. It’s a little weird. Umm, is it Discord? Mmm, probably not. He’s not too bad. I could do without him turning the garden into a sea of flowers with teeth. I think I still got the bite mark, look!”
She grimaces. “I’m good. But I’m being serious!” You don’t answer her question - can’t. The longer she stares, the less comfortable you become. After a long, rather weird staring contest, she says, “You really don’t, do you?”
“Who?”
“You!” she exclaims as if it were obvious. It isn’t. You blink, and, catching your bemusement, she adds, “You’ve got the trust of plenty of ponies in Ponyville. You’ve made some friends, and you have plenty of potential - "
“Careful, princess. My head’s gonna grow three sizes too big if you keep at it,” you interrupt with a dead smirk. “Besides, I don’t even know how I got everyone’s trust. Well, not everyone, but you get the idea. Maybe it's just... maybe you ponies are just very easy to impress.”
“You’d be surprised, actually,” she deadpans. “But what you did is really the best thing to do to get someone’s trust: be yourself.”
“How long have you known me?” you retort with a roll of the eyes.
“Long enough to know that you were entrusted with this Element for a reason. They aren’t just given out to anyone,” she points out with a spark in her eyes. “And about your friend… just talk to them. Be honest. Be yourself, and they’ll understand.”
You stare longer at the Element, a dark blue gem shaped like a tulip, and take Twilight’s words to heart. If she’s speaking anymore, you’ve zoned out and can no longer hear her. It matches the color of your cobalt blue eyes; this necklace, the only way to return home. To failing grades, to a friendship you have no idea how to mend, to a scary old world…
But also to a sister who calls three days a week just to make sure she’s not missing anything in your life, the friends you hung out with when you first drank, and glorious music that takes you away from stressful days. Hell, the last thing you recall before ending up here was a night with friends, video games, and theirs concerns whenever you became dizzy, and finally a sleepover that ended with you in the middle of Ponyville. Old memories settle in, and you smile.
Staring back to Ponyville, you watch several ponies out in the street. Two are chatting while one buys their food from the market, and a group of mares trotting while chattering endlessly about inaudible things. You like most of these ponies. Oh, there were rocky starts, especially when you woke up to screaming ponies and a splitting headache, as well as to distrust and judgement. But perhaps, after a month, they've grown to like you back. Perhaps...
You duck your head away, brushing the hair from your face and behind your ear. “Give me more time, Twilight. I can’t leave... yet. Soon, just not yet.”
She opens her mouth to retort, but the deep sadness on your face stops her. Instead, she nods and says, “Okay. I will say this, though: facing your problems in real life will make them better. Running away only makes it worse when they catch up with you.”
“Do you get fortune cookies when you become princess? Ya know, to give out wise old advice?” you chuckle, though it’s rather forced, as you’re trying to wipe away a tear or two from your eyes.
Twilight giggles. “It’s just something you learn. And you’ll learn that trust isn’t just something you give to everyone, or someone gives you. You have to give it to yourself to really understand it. You’ll get there someday,” she reassures, using her wings to hug you. Only now do you realize how fluffy ponies are actually. Like the family dog; how cute!
“Thank you,” you tell her, breathing a sigh of relief. Placing your hands in the back pocket of your jeans, you notice the sun setting. You decide to go for a walk to think, exiting the brilliant garden. Twilight catches up, and you can’t hold back a smirk. “Besides, from what I’ve been told, trouble comes here pretty often.”
Twilight laughs. “That’s usually the case.” Her eyes then travel to your neck, where the necklace with the tulip gem sits. Both of you smile at one another.
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Nice story, but
...
>Ecocat<
Aww, comforting Twilight is so cute!
This is not the Seventh Element story I was expecting. Well done.
4611663 Can you tell me the problem? I'm really tired so I'm missing it, I apologize.
4612530 Twilight anything is cute, of course!
4612827 Great to hear you liked it!
4611927 .............
4613346
I think that he just meant the fact that there was a 7th Element? I'm not totally sure
But making it be Trust and working that into "your" internal conflict was really cool!
4613346 I mean, why even create a 7th element?
4613429 Thanks! Trust is something I find very important in friendship, and if the world ended and a 7th element was made, then I'd like to imagine it being that.
4613558 You're totally right, you know? There is no reason to add anything to the Elements of Harmony. I myself don't like reading it, because boy, don't those authors make their character sound sooo special? It's a silly story concept that is unoriginal and overdone to death.
But first off, that's the point of the contest. Whether it's HiE, Seventh Element, OC alicorn, etc, you'd make a story with one or more of these ideas and try to make it, well, decent. Since this isn't overly hated, I think I did okay in this department. Believe me, I wouldn't make this otherwise, because I'm not a fan of Seventh Elements myself.
Which is why I didn't focus too much on the Element itself. Too much, because obviously, there were moments where she (or "you"... whatever) literally focused on it, and I'm not going to deny that. However, trust was the more important subject here. "You" thought you lost trust from a friend back home, "you" didn't trust yourself to be this new Element, "you" even had doubts if this world was trusting you. Honestly, the reason this is an Element is because without it, there would be less pressure for you to be someone trustworthy.
4613618 Aah, now I see
BRILLIANT!
4615276 Aww, thanks!
It's nothing special, but I appreciate it.
It wasn't great, but it was a nice, easy little piece. Faved and upvoted.
4625861 I'll take it! Heh, but seriously, thanks.
that's worth an upvote!
img.pandawhale.com/post-19101-Flaming-Moes-upvote-gif-Simpso-wrRf.gif
4627717 Thank you, good sir! Free upvotes for everyone!
Looks like I’m going to be your self-designated reviewer, MissyAngel. Buckle up; it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Dash/hyphen confusion is a continuous error. A hyphen cannot do what a dash can, and a dash cannot do what a hyphen can.
Semicolon misuse. A complete sentence must be on either side of the semicolon in this instance.
This sentence has a couple of things wrong with it. First, “could” is past tense, and you are writing present, so it would be “can.” Second, this sentence contradicts itself: “off in the distance” does not equal, and is in fact near-opposite of “not too far away.”‘ I have no idea what you are trying to say here.
Again with the tense slip. I’m not going to mention any more of these—just be aware you have them.
That’s a huge immersion-breaker, for me. You have been living in a town for long enough to grow a garden in front of your house, and the most inquisitive pony (Pinkie notwithstanding) doesn’t know your name? I realize that’s just a way to try to get around second person, but it felt very poor, to me.
“Earth” should not be capitalized in this context. And out of all the words in the English language, did you have to use the same word twice in one sentence?
Right here, Twilight is actually the one talking, but you’d never know just to look at the sentence like I have it. If you have dialogue on either side of an action, then make sure the action is being performed by the speaker. Otherwise, as you can see, it really looks like “you” are saying the words, which is very confusing. Note, that’s twice: I won’t mention it again.
You’ve got some emotional exposition here. I’d like to experience what makes me nervous instead of just reading about it. What makes “you” appear nervous? Do “your” palms sweat? Do “you” decide to tap your leg? Your foot? What do “you” do that makes “you” nervous?
This is so convoluted that I don’t know where to begin. I don’t even know.
More emotional exposition. How can “you” tell she is surprised? Also, I won’t mention this error again—just know you have it.
This doesn’t really work. . . . Under your breath is silent, but heavy implies force or weight. So you forcefully sighed quietly? Perhaps “long” or “deep and slow” would have been better here. Also, repeated “breath.”
This is a common occurrence? Since when? Perhaps it should have been a hypothesis of hers.
Very, very redundant here. “You cut her off” is simply restating what the hyphen (should be a dash) is indicating. And is there ever really a polite way to cut someone off? Personally, I can’t think of one; therefore, “rudely” is also redundant.
“Into the tea” perhaps? “Dip . . . against” doesn’t really make much sense.
You have quite a few of these, but this one is very easy to see, so it’ll probably be the only one I point out. It’s called a misplaced modifier, and it means that the underlined group of words is too far away from the word—in this case “you”—it is modifying. Generally, modifiers modify the closest noun or pronoun.
Very poor use of “super.” I would find a much better word to replace it.
From the context, I can tell you meant Celestia and Luna, but what this is telling me is that “you” didn’t bow to the guards.
You’ve got some saidism abuse going. Basically, that means that you are using complicated words when “said” would be just fine. And the funny thing about “said” is that no one actually reads it, so it doesn’t slow down your story.
When in direct address, “princess” should be capitalized.
This is what you call a viewpoint slip. If I’m “you,” how can I see this? I can’t, because I’m not looking in a mirror. You drifted a bit into third person, so you could add this.
I don’t get what’s happening here.
I chuckled, which completely ruined the sad mood you are trying to portray.
burrow ⇒ to dig; a hole or tunnel
borrow ⇒ to receive money with the intention of returning it.
Notable mention, the first words of some paragraphs have more or less spaces before them than others. You need to clear that up after the competition.
The story has a somewhat poor hook; as in, you have something dangerously close to a Weather Report Opening. Everyone opens their story with “it was a sunny day in Ponyville,” and your story isn’t much different.
You also have some emotional exposition (I think I listed it somewhere) that could be done away with. Things like “you enjoy having accomplished something so well” could easily be done with some dialogue, or if that’s not your thing, show “your” pride by having “you” lovingly take care of the garden. Find a weed, for example, then carefully extract it while being sure not to damage any of the surrounding flowers. It really puts a damper on things when I read about how someone is feeling, as opposed to experiencing it.
Now, the character building. To be honest, “you” felt fairly flat to me. She didn’t have enough substance for me to really get into her character. I can list everything about her right here.
*Likes to garden
*Lets her friends down
*Kinda hard on herself (debatable. I would have liked to see some more of that shown in her gardening.)
That’s all I really know, so I didn’t really care about her problems. You didn’t give her enough for me to connect with, and that’s a really big problem when it comes to writing a sad story. If your readers don’t care about the person they should, then the story falls flat, and that’s the real reason why I didn’t give your story a good score: it didn’t evoke any response from me.
Final point, why trust? Trust seems like a very poor choice for the seventh element, seeing as it’s pretty much just loyalty or honesty, depending on how you look at it, and the way you portrayed it in the story just made it seem like loyalty 1.5.
Overall, a somewhat mediocre story fraught with poor mechanics.
. . . That was just a bit longer than I intended, but I can't very well give a negative review without evidence, I suppose.
Ah well. Hope you enjoy your review, and I'll be happy to answer any questions.
4657475 I'm just commenting on this again to let you know I have fixed most of the grammatical errors, but due to the competition still happening, I can't change too much without, uh, cheating (might be the best word here I guess?). I will take your words to heart, however, and afterwards, I'd like to try and rewrite this in hopes of making something far better.
Not a bad premise here..... a person that doesn't want to go back to her *mostly* failing life on Earth and instead wants to stay in good ol' Equestria..... but her past mistakes continue to haunt her and she wants to go back to try to mend those mistakes.... and she can presumably go back to Equestria but she will never know when..... she may possibly never come back.
This is a great premise to get behind..... the 7th element thing is questionable but it could work with a few good reasons and backstory.
Honestly, if that was me, I would've never opened my mouth about home and just asked to stay.... I'm sure Equestria could benefit from some dude that likes to build new and exciting
ways to burn thingsinventions. I would've ended the subject when Prylight Sparkle asks. But that's just meHere: have an upvote, favorite, and follow in case you come up with other cool stuff.
5311002 Thank you kindly! Yeah, the 7th element certainly wasn't needed entirely but it was part of the contest so I did what could. I'm still glad you liked it, and though I haven't written much in... quite some time (motivation is severely lacking), I will try to write more before the year ends... hopefully!
5312289
The 7th element could work with a good reason for why she's needed. You wrote in a human in equestria that also a 7th element, all written in a second person perspective (basically a more fleshed out greentext story, lol)..... kinda makes me wonder: how'd you do in the contest anyway?
Hopefully that's by the time FimFiction re-implements the option to get e-mails everytime there's a new chapter or new story by a followed author comes out.....
5313886 Not even close, but I wasn't expected much considering the competition and how this could've been fleshed out more. It was more of an experiment than anything.