Chapter IV
I land at the edge of White Tail Wood just as dawn breaks over the eastern mountains. There's a little stream flowing out of a spring in a hillside, and the early morning light glitters on its surface. The dark green moss under my hooves is almost thick enough to sleep on. I feel a light wind in my mane, and the limbs of the nearest birches give a long sigh as they wave to and fro. I lay on my back and gaze straight up. The sky is a cloudless dome, the colour of a robin's egg.
I wonder how long it will take to destroy this world.
"Hello."
Oh—company. The last thing I want. I turn my head to see the speaker: a wide-eyed unicorn filly with a slightly messy blond mane.
"My name's Dinky," she says. "What's yours?"
Are children allowed to talk to strangers in this world? Or is this one dimmer than the rest?
"You look sad, mister."
Sad? Why should I be? I don't know anyone from here—not really. We're not even the same species. They just altered my shape and gave me a lot of false memories. I'm not sad.
The filly sits down beside me. "Mommy says it's good to have somepony to talk to when you're sad."
I turn back toward the sky and close my eyes. Maybe she'll go away.
The breeze is soothing, and I begin to doze. Since these are my last hours, I decide to spend them dreaming of happy memories—real ones, from long before the war: spending boyhood summers on the farm; reading pulps and funnybooks before bed; going with my parents to the pictures...
Before I can stop it, the face of the Moloch from the cinema appears in my mind, its mouth full of fire and huge metal pistons. Of course, the real thing will be worse.
I open my eyes and shake my head to clear it. I notice Dinky is still here. She's watching a ladybug crawl along a blade of grass. Her eyes are full of wonder.
I was that young once. At that age, everything is so fresh and new, even the smallest things seem like miracles. There's none of the indifference that comes with familiarity. There's only...
"Innocence. Happiness."
This tiny girl has no idea what will happen today.
She doesn't know...
"Ten thousand children, or one hundred thousand adults."
Bile threatens to rise in my throat. What have I done?
I sit up and try to think. Is it too late? Maybe. But if it isn't, is there some edge I might have, that no one else does? Moloch and Pazu are outsiders. So am I. What do I know about outsiders?
"Creatures native to this world are beholden to the laws of its magic... But outsiders are unconstrained by such laws." Celestia said that, just a few days ago. But I can fly and do magic now too, just like a native. Wait...
"...Unconstrained by such laws."
I have an idea. It's crazy. I would be an idiot to try it.
I rise to my hooves, flex my wings, and turn to the filly. "Listen, I... there's something I want to say."
She turns to me, eyes wide with expectation. There's no time to think about the exact right words, so I say what I feel.
"Life is short, you know. Too short to waste on boredom, or feeling bad, or hurting people."
She tilts her head a bit. I don't know if she completely understands, but there's no time to make sure.
I look into the distance, back toward the village. "If you're still alive tomorrow, live the rest of it as the best person you can be. Act out of love for others, and for yourself. And... and remember to appreciate life as long as you still have it. Goodbye, friend."
I take off, heading back the way I came.
* * *
I smell Moloch before I see it. As I get closer to the castle, I struggle to breathe a stench that's like burning pitch, rotting meat, and swamp water all in one.
It reminds me of the war.
Blood pounds in my ears, and my body prepares itself to fight. But as I round the last of the steep hills beyond the village, I'm shocked by what is now there.
I knew it would be horrible when I saw the real Moloch with my own eyes. But nothing could prepare me for this. The hulking brute is taller than Twilight's castle, and almost as broad. Its shapeless grey form pulsates weirdly as it creeps forward. It does not walk, or crawl, or slither, but rips through the land as it moves. In its wake, the corroded ground is coated in reddish slime. Wormlike appendages stick out from its mass at odd angles, writhing and waving... and at their ends, lipless mouths snap at the air. The closest thing it has to an identifiable front is a tooth-lined maw, large enough to swallow ten grown stallions at once, that hangs open and drips black fluid from its edges. The rows of shark-like teeth stretch farther back than I can see.
This is not an evil creature. This is evil itself.
It's nearing the village's edge now. I can see ponies running from their homes, fleeing in every direction away from the source of their doom—a panicked rout that will make no difference in the end. But there are nine, standing shoulder-to-shoulder just beyond the river, directly in the behemoth's path. It’s the last hopeless stand.
With a burst of speed, I fly to intercept the thing, stopping when I'm sure my voice will carry far enough.
"MOLOCH!" I've never screamed so loud in my life. "Here I am, Moloch! Look!"
The thing pauses, and its surface quivers a bit. I can't believe it. Did I really get its attention?
"You're missing one!" I'm yelling so loud, my voice almost breaks. "Get ready! Here I come!"
With the mad, cackling laugh of the doomed, I wheel and dive like a kamikaze, aiming straight for the thing’s maw. I ignite my horn, and angle my head to cut through the air. I know alicorn magic. They taught me in their false memories. It has rules alicorns aren't able to break. But I'm not an alicorn. Not really.
Time seems to slow as I charge through the air toward oblivion. During periods of great emotional stress, the body is capable of amazing feats of strength, but is badly damaged in the process. If I’m right, equine magic is the same way.
As I close the distance, a sickening vibration and prickling heat overtakes my body. Almost there now. My timing is perfect; I'll burst just as I hit. They'll all find out what happens when matter and energy from three realities collides at blistering speed. I'm only sorry I won't be here to see it.
Moloch's hideous shape fills my vision. Does this have even the slightest chance of working? Maybe not, but it makes no difference now. At least I've made this choice myself, knowing their deceptions. It’s almost funny how much effort they wasted by lying.
Never mind. I'm not doing this for them.
There is a blinding flash.
Finis
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New Horse Voice story? Oh lawdy, it must be Christmas!
4608219
The title still makes me think of The Room.
Oh my.
Good one, as always. Much emotion. A little fast (picky, picky, picky). But ... You actually succeed in not making a bad story based on the subjects. It's good. Well done.
Balls. Now I'm really glad I soldiered on, because this was genuine grade-A Horse Voice storytelling. No more details because spoilers.
Neh, I didn't really like this. The idea behind the story was good, the twist was fine, but the whole thing happened far too quickly for me to ever become attached to any of it. I never really became involved with the plight of the protagonist because I never had a reason to care about him as a character; indeed, I didn't really have much opportunity to see him develop or grow as a person. Thus his struggle, his betrayal, and his sacrifice all meant nothing to me.
I was wondering why you thought it was a good idea to throw in essentially everything back in chapter 2, and it was a clever way to use all of those things... but the pacing just killed the story for me.
Venom - Sacrifice
Oh, nicely done. I feel an incremental sense of relief that I decided even before this was posted that I would skip out on this contest.
Great to see a new story from you again!
4609433
It was a lot of fun to edit, I tell you what.
4608971
Honestly, I wasn't bothered with the pacing when I looked at this. It's meant to be compact; lengthening the story by a significant amount would change its complexion, not to mention possibly violate the 15,000 word limit of the contest for which this was written.
Solider in Equestria, human turned alicorn, OC 7th Element...they should call you the Trope Breaker
Ah, Metropolis.
4608971
What this guy said. Even if we didn't learn his name, I still think we could have felt for the character a little more.
I'll come back and read this again tomorrow, because there's usually something about Horse Voice stories that will hit me like a sucker punch the second time I read it.
4609512
Well, some stories are hard to tell in short story format. In this case, I needed to care about the character in question, as otherwise their sacrifice is meaningless.
The only response I can come up with is, "Holy Shit. Well, there goes my quota of mind-fucks."
Don't have time for reading at the moment, but am I off base, thinking of this?
wallchan.com/images/sandbox/26811-johnny-got-his-gun.png
This story would have benefited from being longer. At least, that's what I think this story is missing. For instance, take a look at this quote:
Celestia echoed this idea throughout her conversation with the narrator, but we never really got to understand just how desperate she was. Compare that to the crisp rationalization in the decisions made in Biblical Monsters, and I think that's the root of why I think this story suffered. I guess the story tells us a little too much for my tastes.
I did like that we were given just enough details to reasonably guess Battle of the Bulge, but I don't think it was interesting enough to make us care about the narrator's fate.
It continues to grow.
I still think this story is very under appreciated.
This was interesting. Your twist was interesting. However, because of your word limit, said twist lacked the impact it should have made on me.
Hey everyone. Please pardon the late reply; I've been loaded down with work. Now, then...
4608971 4610112 4610443 4622128
You know, I think you all have a point. The trouble is, I'm a slow writer at the best of times: It would normally take twice as long to write a story of this length. So something had to give. Luckily, my next one won't be a rush job.
And yes, I was thinking of the Battle of the Bulge.
4610318
Partly. Also this song:
4608399 4608688 4609433 4610278 4609355
Muchas gracias, everyone.
Well dang. :O I was actually kind of expecting, given the title, that our POV character was the "Johnny" that represented British soldiers in folk songs, etc. That he was literally the embodiment of a hundred thousand soldiers who died in the war and were brought to Equestria to appease Moloch. :B Instead, I almost feel like there wasn't quite enough here to give that final decision weight, though you certainly did justice to the various prompts. Good work nonetheless. :)
4627502
That was sort of what I was going for, but only symbolically. I'm almost kicking myself that I didn't make it literal as you say, but I can't seem to hack a way of having it make sense. Ah well.
4627695
Just lose the whole "fifth sacrifice" bit, have him think the Princesses are sacrificing themselves and then find out at the last moment that he was very wrong. :B Not that this is feedback you can act on now, of course. But I'm pleased with myself for catching those unused threads, if that makes you feel any better. :D
Holy shit, HV. Guess you really know how to end 'em.
I'm going to have to go back and read this thing like a dozen times to get all the bits, aren't I?
4634091
You flatter me, sir. Normally, it takes only three or four reads to catch everything.
Glad to know I've still got it... somewhat.
A rush job with strange restrictions, and it shows. I liked it a lot, but, as others have stated, it lacked the characterization I generally associate with your works.
When I realized he was a human-in-Equestria/Alicorn/in a relationship with Rarity, I wondered why you hadn't just gone all in in the contest and made it second person.
4636224
I figured, it would have been the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.
4636479 if you put a gun to my head and made me pick a winner in this contest, I think I'd give it to Cold in Gardez, because I think his story is better written (in second person!!) and made me care about the characters within.
Your take definitely has the moral and ethical questions I've done to expect from you, though. Makes me think about what is a lie and the justifications for telling one. Did Celestia steal a death, or take a life? She isn't prescient, so was she sure the protagonist was about to die? Would she be willing to sacrifice herself and the other alicorns instead of fighting, no matter how small the chance?
Now I'm not so sure who I would vote for.
4636677
Ah-ha! So this one did do what I intended, more or less. So it wasn't a waste.
Of course, I don't expect to win anything. The competition is just too good, and I'm out of practice. But I thought I could at least put on a good showing, and do something audacious while I'm at it.
But, um, I promise I'll work on character stuff with the next one.
4609355
Incidently that's a great pic of Discord on the cover there.
Well, I liked it. Granted, that's not saying much, but I don't see what some of the comments are talking about. I loved how you played with time to convey the unreliable memories, how you made everything mentioned matter, and how you left the ending ambiguous. After all, it's first-person perspective. We can't find out what happens next if the narrator is dead.
Also, you used best filly, so bonus points right there.
In all, most enjoyable. Thank you for it, and best of luck in the judging.
4642372
Thanks! And you as well.
Argh, and that's where it ends. Imagine me flipping a table while hitting the thumbs up.
4668260
Oh dear, I was afraid of that.
I'm planning on writing a blog post with my thoughts on the issues you mention once the contest results are in. Short version: I had to do this one in about half the time I usually take for these; the contest's prompts necessitated the use of bad ponyfic cliches; the production was constantly interrupted by unexpected IRL problems. I'm amazed I even got it done by the deadline.
I promise I'll do something completely different for my next story.
4670371
It's okay Horse-y. You can do it! You gotta BELIEVE!!!
4670371
For what it's worth, all those problems aside, I think you did a bang up job. Is this fic perfect? No. Does that matter? No, I don't think so. Perfection does not equate to enjoyment and I really enjoyed this story for what it was.
I generally disagree with most things MtM says in his videos (and his habit of talking loudly over his collaborators like their opinions can't possibly be as important as his grates on my nerves like billy-o). This was no exception. This fic might not be something you're as proud of as some of your other works but by no means is it a badly written fanfic and the premise is inventive enough to snag and keep a reader's interest on its own.
Tis an...interesting tale, and given you are you, entirely what I would expect when going Dark.
In the end, I think I'm walking away choosing to believe in the best ending - that he blew that sucker up once and for all. And that the entire thing was Celestia scheming, as always, to find someone who -could- do just that, to save not just Equestria, but other worlds as well, because I am a cream puff who likes as much light in the darkness as possible.
Well done, and glad it's not as painfully tragic as biblical monsters
4726298
That's the good thing about ambiguous endings. It's also why I make a point of not deciding which option is the "correct" one.
Thanks for reading!
4729342
It's kind of funny, because usually, I want something concrete, even if it's unpleasant. I think this one is an exception, mostly because I'm loathe to imagine a foe that is truly something that Ponykind could not defeat, that would require an immortal sacrifice. Not that I would doubt for a minute they would do it, but that in some ways - well, it's the old comment about 1 death is a tragedy, 1 million is a statistic.
This was okay. Not great, but solidly okay. The only real problem I have with it is the pacing. Slow it down a bit, add some more depth to your world, and this could be a top-notch story.
A little too predictable, but definitely interesting. Great job, especially considering the constraints involve,
4885049
They told me it was impossible to make a Human story great. I said, "challenge accepted". In fact, I said it three times.
Thanks for reading!
I think the reason why my view on this fic is so positive, is because it averts my problem with a lot of HiE stories. There's way too many stories that make me wonder "God, is this guy a self insert? Wish fulfillment?" Yeah.
I agree that the pacing could be better, but not to the degrees the naysayers seem to say. One or two more chapters expanding the.content in chapter 2, some more foreshadowing in regards to the big spoiler, and some insight to the protags past would have done it. Maybe 3,000...4,000 words tops?
Its still very good as it stands, regardless. The short length leaves me wanting more.
I hope they won, it would have been satisfying. After being manipulated, he comes back to aid those who toyed with him even if he despises them, only for things to turn out alright. It's kind of like the saying: "Living Well is the Best Revenge". It doesn't fit the story perfectly, but get's the idea across.
umm....I loved the story but, just to clarify. he went nuclear right? magic nuke? anyone?
4957039
More or less, yeah.
4959224
When he saw that Moloch is will truly destroy Equus and other universes and this universe truly has innocents Like Dinky Doo, he sacrificed himself for saving this and other universes and innocents like Dinky Doo.
Sorry, had to.
5082894
I would presume so. But no way would they have mentioned the methods they planned to use.
5269062