Swing When You're Vinyl

by River Road

Track 4: Ain't That A Kick In The Head

“You look exceedingly silly with that stick, moreso with every minute I look at you.”

Fancypants looked up at his wife, who was giving the neighborhood they were passing through a scrutinizing look. He knew that she wasn’t judging anypony for being of higher or lower class and income… She would, however, readily take a first impression and judge ponies by the state of their gardens.

He scrutinized her for a few seconds, then turned his nose up with a self-righteous huff that would have put most of the other nobles to shame. “I’ll have you know that this walking cane is an exquisite piece of craftsponyship, sterling silver and crafted specifically for myself.” He huffed. “And if it looks silly, then the only reason for that could be that it’s missing the hat to go with it.”

His wife, Celestia bless her, rolled her eyes. “Indeed, I am sure that you would achieve a proper amount of silliness if you had one of your ridiculous top hats.” She paused to raise an eyebrow. “Which raises the question of why you aren’t wearing one of your ridiculous top hats.”

“The clothes reflect the pony who wears them, not the other way ‘round, dear.” He smiled. “As for my hats, I already lent my best two specimen out to a pair of young mares I met a while ago.”

“Stop trying to look like some wise old sage. You’re not even in your thirties and everypony can tell you’re not wise or sage, either.” His wife, who had no reason to even entertain the notion somepony would feel compelled to cheat on her with anything except maybe a picture from one of her modelling sessions, turned her head slightly to glare at him. “Now will you tell me why it is so important we spend our evening at some bar almost out of Canterlot?”

“I can only tell you the same I have told you the last three times you asked: That it is a surprise and that you will simply have to wait to find out.” Fancypants smirked.

Fleur Des Lis, fashion model, upper crust and nobility of Canterlot and the highest beauty standard for ponies short of Celestia herself, stuck out her tongue and blew a raspberry.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey Tavi, up for another song?”

Fancypant’s ears twitched and he glanced over to the table at which two familiar mares had sat down earlier that evening, not too long after he and Fleur arrived at the bar themselves. They had been talking in hushed whispers for most of the evening (the grey mare had, at least. The unicorn had just grinned and nodded), though he hadn’t been able to make out what exactly it was they were talking about.

“No, I am not. I am thoroughly done with embarrassing myself today, thank you very much.”

“Fleur, dear?” He smiled as his wife turned her head to face him, her mane flowing slightly from the motion. “You were asking why I dragged you across half Canterlot, weren’t you?”

“Suit yourself. I was going to sing a solo, anyway.”

Vinyl teleported one of ‘her’ top hats onto her head and pranced towards the stage, passing their table and snatching up the walking cane which just so happened to be leaning at hoof-height against Fancypant’s chair. She snagged the microphone, switched out the disk in the machine without even looking at it and hit the start button.

Back at the table, Octavia’s eyes widened as she recognized the song. “Vinyl!”

How lucky can one mare be?
I kissed her and she kissed me
Like the griffon once said,
‘Ain't that a kick in the head?’
Her mane near completely black,
I hugged her and she hugged back
Like the donkey said, quote,
‘Ain't that a hole in the boat?’

My head keeps spinnin',
I go to sleep and keep grinnin'
If this is just the beginnin',
my life is gonna be bee-yoo-tee-ful

Like Cadence has love to spread,
it's just like the griffon said
Tell me quick, ain't love a kick in the head?

By now Octavia had stood up and made her way onto the stage, glaring at her friend as she advanced. “You’ll get an actual kick in the head for telling ponies about that if you don’t stop it.”

Vinyl lifted her cane and used it to boop the cellist on the nose.

Like the griffon once said,
‘Ain't that a kick in the head?’
Like the donkey said, quote,
‘Ain't that a hole in the boat?’

Vinyl put her cane back down and used it to balance herself as she playfully dodged Octavia’s swipes for the microphone.

My head keeps spinnin',
I go to sleep and keep grinnin'
If this is just the beginnin',
my life is gonna be bee-yoo-tee-ful

At the last line, Octavia had lunged for her, giving the unicorn the perfect opening to step aside, pull her through and spin her around a few times.

I’m telling you we'll be wed,
Let’s pick out a king-size bed
Now don’t you go tell me no,

Vinyl caught Octavia’s right hoof with her own right, then turned around to catch the left punch with her left and leaned back into the other mare.

Or I’ll be sad~

Tell me quick!

She let go of Octavia just in time to dodge a kick…

Oh, ain't love a kick?

…and step out of the way of the second kick.

Tell me quick
Ain't love a kick

Vinyl dodged another swipe and spun around to face the front stage and the bar, spreading her forelegs in a standing pose for the last line.

In the head~~~~?

She turned around, slightly out of breath, to see Octavia slowly clapping behind her. Grinning, she bent down deep for an exaggerated bow.

…which was the perfect time for Octavia to clock her over the head with a hoof.

“There’s your kick in the head. You earned it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Of all the stupid, brainless, idiotic, stupid–“

“You already said stupid.”

“–things that I told you not to do, this is…”

Fancypants and Fleur carefully stepped through the door, looking around. Spotting the two mares only a couple steps down the wall, they quickly crossed the street to stay unnoticed. The bickering duo didn’t seem to pay them much attention, if any at all. Fancypants gestured for her to stay quiet as they walked.

“And where did you get that walking cane? That’s real silver, Vinyl! Do you have any idea…”

“I… bought it?”

“It’s monogrammed, Vinyl! Your name does not start with ‘F.P.’!”

“Course it does. The F.P. stands for ‘Fantastic Pon3’.”

“Augh!”

As the voices finally began to fade from the distance, Fancypants smiled and moved to walk a little closer to Fleur. He loved to hear her laugh.

Author's Note:

A cookie to anyone who can guess what the next chapter's song will be.
Ten cookies to the first one who can guess both remaining songs from the album correctly.
And I'll offer a free song (lyrics to use in your story or anywhere else) for the first one who can figure out which other song will feature in the final chapter.

Comments

[reader238]

I am slightly confused by the monogram F.S wouldn't it make more sense to be F.P for fancy pants or for what Vinyl said fantastic pon3 ♫

[River Road]

I have absolutely edit not the slightest idea edit what you are talking about edit edit edit

[Ludicrous Lycan]

5541561 Hehehe... Some of the funniest parts about writing are the mistakes people find. One of my favorites was an incidental shipping reference. Whether it was my fic, Merlos' or Hoopy's, I can't really remember anymore...

[Fox-Sama]

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[nightwalker]

5541561

“Course it does. The F.S. stands for ‘Fantastic Pon3’.”

Still missed it ;)

Wonderful concept, so far fantastic execution. Absolute, total delight to read.

[River Road]

5550688

ARGLEBLARGH! Is that all you guys can comment on?!

Thank you for the compliments. And for pointing out that typo... I guess.

[nightwalker]

5551102
LOL! If you hadn't said you'd already corrected it, I might not have bothered. Still, at least you got them all now.

Seriously, though, this is a very fun story and you should be happy with it.

[Guardsmare Sade]

Wednesday. 8th of April, 2:12 am....
Ten weeks and three days since last sighting. Still no sign of life since. Possible movement may have been allocated to the chapters, but that could also be attuned to my own imagination from being on this scouting mission for so long.

Will report back to HQ with hopefully more data on this bizzare disappearance.
Scout Sade, signing off.

In all seriousness, the story is cute. I enjoy that each night fancypants is all too happy to lose something of his to provide a mare he's never spoken to some joy. I feel you capture fancy pants light hearted, friendly, and fun personality quite well. Good job. I do await the next chapter... If it'll ever come...

[River Road]

5835273

The next chapter will come. Eventually.
It's all written out in my head, but then again it has been since June of last year. I'm a lazy bum and this story hasn't even gotten twenty comments (from others) in four chapters, not to mention that nopony seems interested in the possible bonus chapters...

Anyway, yes. This will definitely be completed at some point in my life. It's only two more chapters to go and I've already got the songs written down, so that's that. Give me a good kick in the head once a day for a week or so, and you might actually see the results.

P.S.: You're one to talk, Mr. 04/10/2013. Yes, I saw that, and the other two, too.

[Guardsmare Sade]

5835812

Hehehe. I never said I wasn't a hypocrite. But so far I enjoy your premise and your execution. I do hope to read more chapters and I for one am interested in said bonus chapters and all other additions that come with this story.

[DeathOcty]

It's been soo loooooong~

[9bobby42]

when will there be more

[River Road]

5838018
6796203
7643108

Aaand it's up. Thank you all for your patience and I'm really sorry for the long wait.