- Member Since 21st Mar, 2013
- offline last seen 18 hours ago
MetalBrony823
A brony that loves Heavy Metal, Africa, Rock, and Animals. Not to mention Ponies too. Fluttershy is best pony! \m/
MetalBrony823
Joined 21st Mar, 2013 ·
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Rushed, but other then keep it up!
Will read later......
Only a matter of time before Rumble brings the thunder.
....I...I some what find this ok...
Will read after you proofread it.
Just a thought; Never publish without at least a basic bit of proofreading.
4597950 What do you mean, proofread?
I think you need a big helping of PROOFREAD.
4598575
Proofreading is when you have another person with a good understanding of spelling and grammar read the story before you publish it so they can find mistakes so you can correct them.
Well
I think this deserves a like and follow, cause I can see where he's coming from, don't be mean, he deserves what I'm giving him if you look at it the way he's trying to tell you the story.
Aww and at my words maybe there should be like in future chapters a seen were he is older
I second that that would be interesting
great story had fun reading it
Maybe writing to music isn't your thing, because I loved the first two chapters.
This one seems like you were writing it with a knife to your throat....
I should know about the music thing, Never write to fast paced music. I tried writing to this, and I ended up deleting the chapter.
.
DAMN IT
THAT PICTURE GAVE ME A BONER, YOU WONDERFUL BASTARD.
Hah! jokes on you, i already had a boner before I started the chapter!
But really, I do like this story...
Pacing!
I`m sorry, but the way this is written is so... so... Stupid!
I will continue reading though.
Wipes tear from eye.
Good times!
Well damn
hoh damn this is one of my fetishes
a bit of a train wreck when it comes to grammar and spelling in some cases, and it feels like you're just putting the music in the story just to be there. but overall its still pretty good if you can get over the fact that its mostly clop!
No need to fear, Lockdown has arrived.
4747646 What does that mean?
Love the song
How insulting will it be if Rumble wants Cloudchaser to be his maid?
4771921 I would never let that happen in my tale. I want to keep my story as cute, adorable, and sexy as possible.
4779793 ooh Oooh! What about a sexy maid....?
*Whistled* Nice.
Plus where did you get adorable fic cover art!
Aww
only question i have is who came up with the idea socks are sex? i just don't get it
Some stuffs for chu to look at mr./ms. Author: Manhood... They are ponies with no concept of humans... It should be colthood... And then the whole "don't worry, I'm your friend, and friends have sex!" And then they had sex thing... She should have taken more time to explain what sex was before the 19 lines of it, with a 3 line explanation of cum... Just some pointers, don't hate me
So sorry if this story is taking a little long, but I was focusing on my other stories, like always
. I've just started working on it yesterday, and I'm trying to come up with some ideas for what will happen next. So sorry if this is taking so long, but the new chapter will be on it's way soon
You know what? I think Thunderlane and Blossomforth make a hot couple.
Boom
Awwwwwwwwww
Yes finally another clop
Sequel sequel sequel!!!
Awww
Ok I think i Got it
keep our pants, wings, and horns "on".
So don't get them off, Gotcha
4747650 it. means. FACE CANNON!!!
entertainmentbuddha.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/transformers.jpg
I'll be happy to read a sequal.
Coltphilia. Yummy.
I can see you really have a drive to write this story but sadly like everyone else has said it needs someone to go through it and check all the grammer and the structure of the story. Also it leaves a lot of its story up to guess work. Why is Thunderlane going to stay at Zecora's for his holiday, does he know Zecora well? Does she have an agreement for him to stay at her house that I assume she still owns there? Is she going along as well?
Right now it reminds me of when kids would write stories that would go and use "and then" a lot. The problem with that is it just makes everything feel broken. It just doesn't pull me in and make me want to read more.
f it was just shameless clop and no story then I wouldn't mind it as much. But you want me to get into this story and I cannot.
So good effort and I could see where you were going but sadly I cannot keep reading it in its current state.
Make the sequel but try to avoid such little sins like the hole unexplained trip of Tunderlane, okay?
If Fluttershy thinks that a pedofiles is cute she must be a Pr0 zoophile and/or have experice in the 'younger models' herself.
KIDDING! Altruth it's an intresting theory. Flutters X Bear/a bunch of squarrels? LOL XD Anyway the story is awesome, and I'm waiting for the promised sequel for weeks!
4598575
Proof reading is a form of rereading and correcting a work of literature. No, offense but it desperately needs it. I've had to stop at the third chapter for several reasons including the grammar.
First I want to say that it is an interesting story and it has potential.
I'd like to see it played out better than it has so far (rewrite some of it). I'll continue in hopes that it gets better, but you really should go back through and fix things.
Rumble seems much younger than you've implied he is. This could be a problem in the long run.
The threat of being caught is being underplayed. Pedophilia is a VERY serious offense and an extremely taboo subject in reading; hence, why it is so popular. To make it reasonable and, in a sense, acceptable to the reader you need to make the feelings of the characters more real than (sorry to put it like this) the plot in a porn flick; very direct and unreasonable. Add depth to the characters other than "they just clicked for no real reason".
Keep working on it and this could end up being a decent piece of literature. :)
Rumble then went upstairs to lay down on his foal-sitter's bed, waiting for Cloudchaser. The colt then went under the covers, because he thought it felt comfortable with the soft covers over him. He then herd footsteps, that had to be Cloudchaser. he then sat up and the door opened to see Cloudchaser in a Shadowbolt costume
Rights for this image go to UndeadHyena115 at Deviantart
What was the picture for that scene?
4734871
Ha your comment has two likes and dislikes. I'm the tie breaker. +1 like.
No hate man no hate ok...buuuuuut get some editors work on pacing and check your grammar and punctuation heck I'm not Shakespeare, but this was kinda hard to read not trying to bash you simply criticize you to help you now then off I go and please continue to improve your skills like I know you can.
What she got on then then she got off her that doesn't sound right