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Fluttershy and Big Macintosh are falling for each other. When they go for a date at the beach, they are swept under the water and meet a race of sea ponies. They discover ugly secrets about Equestria and its rulers and have to decide between home or the sea.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I think you need to talk to your proof reader
Your intro is better than your prologue. 
I'm sorry but I can't believe that such shy ponies all of a sudden blurt out an invite to a date without a bigger build up. 
Please keep working on your next chapter, but just keep in mind the cannon. 
Good grief! Learn how to use paragraphs!
You aren't going to get many readers with this wall of text.
It's an original idea and not too bad.
Your description of the sea ponies weren't bad, but I am confused did they flutter shy under stand them or not?
But it is a sold wall of text in both chapters, You pacing was a little fast.
Descriptions of the scenes was spare and the teenager was a little confusing.
Thanks for your effort in writing this story.
This all seems rather sudden and out of the blue...
It seems a little rushed, why would Flutter shy join then right a way just because of one story?
Shouldn't there be a bit more agonizing over this?
I am returning a favor for your reviews on my stories Forget Love and Discord Sits on Celestia’s Throne.
Prologue:
Who picks up who? At what time?
"Girls" Fluttershy tried again.
"Girls!" Fluttershy tried again.
I-i'm going on a date
I-I'm going on a date
And then a nuclear bomb fell and I tried to clean a stain from my kitchen table, but it wouldn’t go off. It was probably a scratch.
(this paragraph shouldn’t be about what they ate. Fluttershy just dropped a bomb, maybe that should be more of the focus)
Also, grammar: seperate -> separate, Rairty -> Rarity
they went to the real beach
So, before they were in the un-real beach?
spear with a hoof wrapped around it came and hit Big Mac on the head hard
Spear is pointy. This would kill Big Mac. His brain would be all over the place
Chapter 1:
Bubbles of air surrounded the farmer and the animal lover
I personally wouldn’t use the term animal lover, unless you’re going with Fluttershy being into bestiality. In that case, this is good.
The looked at each other
They
The net was so slimy, though, that he couldn't get a good grip with his hooves so he couldn't break it.
rip it
Big Mac reached out and squeezed her hoof.
How can you do that with a hoof? I can’t picture this.
filly unicorn who was crying
a bit hard to tell under water, no?
holding on tight to Big Mac' foreleg.
Big Mac’s
As the others were captives were sold
As the other captives were sold
The mane character is Fluttershy, but she doesn’t do anything. She just watches. This reminds me of Bella in the book Twilight. Ugh!
Chapter 2:
Big Mac, you will be useful in battle as a soldier. And Dinky Doo, your magic will become amplified in water.
And they’re just okay with this? Wouldn’t Big Mac rather go home to bed Fluttershy instead of dying as a soldier for a battle that he knows nothing about?
I didn't want to reveal everything in one chapter!!
I didn't want to reveal everything in one chapter!
As you can tell, Dinky was very excited.
Yes, we can tell. You can delete this.
"Why would we want to do that??" asked Fluttershy shyly.
"Why would we want to do that?" asked Fluttershy shyly.
Chapter 3:
I loved your head canon. in this chapter.
So what do you say, Fluttershy. Will you join us?"
"Yes, I will."
Just like that she’s going to betray Celestia and Luna? It shows she’s not an element of loyalty, I guess.
Chapter 4:
We all nodded in acceptance and the king's spines began to glow a beautiful silver.
Did the author just become Fluttershy? I thought this was a third person Point of View story.
The element of generosity was a beautiful female sea pony named Coral Cress.
The element of generosity was a beautiful female sea pony named Coral Cress.
As the sea ponies kept talking, King Oceania interrupted them
As the sea ponies kept talking, King Oceania interrupted them.
Fluttershy had been telling them what it was like to fly and breath air
Fluttershy had been telling them what it was like to fly and breathe air
Now, it is time for battle!!
Now, it is time for battle!
Chapter 5:
She watched as Big Mac was lead
She watched as Big Mac was led
If they were not underwater, they would all be sweating.
You can sweat underwater as well.
beams of magic hit the subs, who were half beached.
beams of magic hit the subs, that/which were half beached.
they began to roll onto the beach while the Equestrians.
While the Equestrians… did what?
Their pods began firing at the princesses. who easily evaded the attacks
Their pods began firing at the princesses, who easily evaded the attacks
He said to them" It is time,"
He said to them, "It is time,"
General impression:
Grammar: 7.5/10
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You need to make more paragraphs. You can’t have a dream and waking state in a single paragraph. Well, you do it, but you really shouldn’t do that.
Some sentences are just to long. Way to long.
When you have different scenes you can separate them by writing [ hr ].
In whole time, Fluttershy did nothing. She was the main character and she did absolutely nothing. She was just there.
Chapter 3 was really connected. It made sense. It explained things. It was awesome. The other chapters, however, just had some random stuff happening with not much purpose or rhyme.
It’s good that Big Mac and Fluttershy had the crush on each other before-hoof, because there weren’t much socialising between them so far.
Conclusion:
I love your imagination. In this story you show a lot of world building and an awesome head canon. Good job.
This story made me cringe honestly. I mean I love the idea you have but this was so rush and there was no time to explain what is going on. I get that you don't want to drag out but however some points need to be put in much more detail. Also Celestia and Luna are now evil now which I find it hard to believe here without further knowledge of why. I like your idea but it really needs work.
5252859 I know. This was my first writing on the site, and it stinks compared to all my other work.
5252887 I'll be sure to check your other works then.
Um so...wow I'm enjoying the story but you cloud try and slow things down also you may want to make the walls of text into paragraphs
Thank you for writing this story. But it's true - Bad Dragon made for you many useful suggestions. This resource also can help you - you can easy and fast correct your orthography.
4580909 Yes I agree the 'Confessions' part was too rushed
To author ,
Please do try to work on your paragraphs they are way too long; everytime something different happens (kind of hard to put in words)begin a new paragraph for example: Dark shadows swept across the sky and the ground. Fluttershy was squeaking at every whoosh and whisper. It was cold and dreary, and Fluttershy was more scared than usual. Then she saw all her animals coming towards her. Angel bunny was at the front of the group of reptiles, birds, mammals, and amphibians.
She held out her front legs to embrace Angel bunny. They were mere inches away from each other's embrace when the shadows swept down and swallowed angel bunny and the other animals. Then the shadows crept slowly towards her. Fluttershy was shaking and squeaking madly.
I'm no good a writer myself so I really have no place here. It's just the connected paragraphs made it difficult for me to read.
Anyway I really like the idea, very original. Not to mention I myself am a huge fluttermac fan
+ 
= 
Now time to read the rest
I agree with most of the points here about the story having issues.
Fluttershy has almost no agency throughout the story, the story just happens around her.
The story is rushed with no setup or foreshadowing to the major plot points of Celestia and Luna being evil and Fluttershy and Big Mac being part sea ponies.
After hearing a story from a previously unheard of ruler opposed to Equestria, Fluttershy and Big Mac immediately join the army and betray Equestria.
Because of the lack of setup, it would be very easy to make the sea ponies the antagonists of the story who trick Fluttershy and Big Mac into helping them with their evil plans. You would just need to replace the scene where everyone turns back into alicorns after Celestia and Luna die with King Oceania completing his plans e.g. disabling the elements by tricking and hypnotising Fluttershy, then using the pearl to sink Equestria and turn all of the ponies into sea ponies (or just making them slaves) so that he can rule uncontested. Then you could either end the story there or have another act/arc where the elements get back together (one of them breaks free and rescues the others) and then they use the elements to restore everything and release Celestia and Luna.