The six pearl bearers were escorted to a giant underwater submarine. While they all had the same amount of magic, they were smarter than ponies and had invented machines made of metal like submarines. They would have used tanks and planes, but they had to stay underwater. It was said that the princesses had not thought up anything like this, but had the power to make such things if they wanted to.
The six boarded the submarine. Fluttershy looked up at the tallest tower of the castle and could barely make out Dinky Doo waving. She watched as Big Mac was lead onto their sub, becoming one of the royal guards of the pearl bearers.
They all watched as ten other subs were filled to the brim with soldiers. Finally, King Oceania boarded Fluttershy's sub. Smaller, faster subs surrounded each of the eleven subs as defense.
Then they started to move. They soon were gliding quickly across the ocean floor. All the windows were open so they wouldn't run out of fresh water to breathe in through their gills.
Fluttershy stuck her head out the window. A pod of fifteen blue whales pulled the sub from the front. The same was true for the other subs.
The time passed slowly as the hippocampi stood cramped in the submarine, pushed up against each other. If they were not underwater, they would all be sweating.
After an hour that seemed to take an eternity, the nervous sea ponies arrived at the shore of Equestria, home of the princesses. On land a giant army of Equestrians was waiting for them. Fluttershy could see Twilight's brother at the head of one of the groups of soldiers, giving orders.
Fluttershy closed the window in front of her as other sea ponies around her did the same. Quickly after, weapons and beams of magic hit the subs, who were half beached. The blue whales had been freed and had swam away. Wheels popped out of the subs and they began to roll onto the beach while the Equestrians.
Fluttershy could faintly see two large figures flying around a chariot that had the element bearers in it. Fluttershy counted six ponies in the chariot. Fluttershy opened her eyes wide and pointed it out to the other pearl bearers. Had they replaced her that quickly?
Meanwhile, some soldiers swam onto small spots on the floor. The spots rose up, encasing them and some water so the hippocampus inside could breathe. Then they were raised through the roof of the sub where they could fire freely with their magic at the Equestrians. Fluttershy started to shake as she watched Equestrian soldiers fall to the ground while all their attacks bounced harmlessly of the subs. Meanwhile the chariot and the figures around it got closer.
After a minute, the two ponies got in magical range of the subs and began firing. With their enhanced magic, the princesses broke some of the small pods on top of the subs, the pods exploding in a blast of bright light. Their pods began firing at the princesses. who easily evaded the attacks by putting up a strong magic shield around themselves and the chariot.
Meanwhile King Oceania swam over to the six pearl bearers while a giant pod burst from the wall engulfing him and the six.
He said to them" It is time," and the pod detached itself from the sub, propellers sprouting from the top of the machine. Then the pod whirred away towards the chariot, all the sea ponies inside except Fluttershy, who didn't have spines, building a shield in front of the pod.
I am returning a favor for your reviews on my stories Forget Love and Discord Sits on Celestia’s Throne.
Prologue:
Who picks up who? At what time?
"Girls" Fluttershy tried again.
"Girls!" Fluttershy tried again.
I-i'm going on a date
I-I'm going on a date
And then a nuclear bomb fell and I tried to clean a stain from my kitchen table, but it wouldn’t go off. It was probably a scratch.
(this paragraph shouldn’t be about what they ate. Fluttershy just dropped a bomb, maybe that should be more of the focus)
Also, grammar: seperate -> separate, Rairty -> Rarity
they went to the real beach
So, before they were in the un-real beach?
spear with a hoof wrapped around it came and hit Big Mac on the head hard
Spear is pointy. This would kill Big Mac. His brain would be all over the place
Chapter 1:
Bubbles of air surrounded the farmer and the animal lover
I personally wouldn’t use the term animal lover, unless you’re going with Fluttershy being into bestiality. In that case, this is good.
The looked at each other
They
The net was so slimy, though, that he couldn't get a good grip with his hooves so he couldn't break it.
rip it
Big Mac reached out and squeezed her hoof.
How can you do that with a hoof? I can’t picture this.
filly unicorn who was crying
a bit hard to tell under water, no?
holding on tight to Big Mac' foreleg.
Big Mac’s
As the others were captives were sold
As the other captives were sold
The mane character is Fluttershy, but she doesn’t do anything. She just watches. This reminds me of Bella in the book Twilight. Ugh!
Chapter 2:
Big Mac, you will be useful in battle as a soldier. And Dinky Doo, your magic will become amplified in water.
And they’re just okay with this? Wouldn’t Big Mac rather go home to bed Fluttershy instead of dying as a soldier for a battle that he knows nothing about?
I didn't want to reveal everything in one chapter!!
I didn't want to reveal everything in one chapter!
As you can tell, Dinky was very excited.
Yes, we can tell. You can delete this.
"Why would we want to do that??" asked Fluttershy shyly.
"Why would we want to do that?" asked Fluttershy shyly.
Chapter 3:
I loved your head canon. in this chapter.
So what do you say, Fluttershy. Will you join us?"
"Yes, I will."
Just like that she’s going to betray Celestia and Luna? It shows she’s not an element of loyalty, I guess.
Chapter 4:
We all nodded in acceptance and the king's spines began to glow a beautiful silver.
Did the author just become Fluttershy? I thought this was a third person Point of View story.
The element of generosity was a beautiful female sea pony named Coral Cress.
The element of generosity was a beautiful female sea pony named Coral Cress.
As the sea ponies kept talking, King Oceania interrupted them
As the sea ponies kept talking, King Oceania interrupted them.
Fluttershy had been telling them what it was like to fly and breath air
Fluttershy had been telling them what it was like to fly and breathe air
Now, it is time for battle!!
Now, it is time for battle!
Chapter 5:
She watched as Big Mac was lead
She watched as Big Mac was led
If they were not underwater, they would all be sweating.
You can sweat underwater as well.
beams of magic hit the subs, who were half beached.
beams of magic hit the subs, that/which were half beached.
they began to roll onto the beach while the Equestrians.
While the Equestrians… did what?
Their pods began firing at the princesses. who easily evaded the attacks
Their pods began firing at the princesses, who easily evaded the attacks
He said to them" It is time,"
He said to them, "It is time,"
General impression:
Grammar: 7.5/10
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You need to make more paragraphs. You can’t have a dream and waking state in a single paragraph. Well, you do it, but you really shouldn’t do that.
Some sentences are just to long. Way to long.
When you have different scenes you can separate them by writing [ hr ].
In whole time, Fluttershy did nothing. She was the main character and she did absolutely nothing. She was just there.
Chapter 3 was really connected. It made sense. It explained things. It was awesome. The other chapters, however, just had some random stuff happening with not much purpose or rhyme.
It’s good that Big Mac and Fluttershy had the crush on each other before-hoof, because there weren’t much socialising between them so far.
Conclusion:
I love your imagination. In this story you show a lot of world building and an awesome head canon. Good job.