• Member Since 20th Jun, 2014
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I'm a person. A person who writes stories about ponies in all their infinite variations.

Comments ( 235 )

Not bad. Not perfect, but not bad.

It's my real first foray into this particular genre, so I'm glad I'm doing something right :pinkiesmile: My other stories were pretty much for my friends and such, but this is the first one for myself :twilightblush:

I have to agree with Flint-Lock, this isn't bad. It's got a decent opener, not it just needs a decent rest of the story

A few grammatical errors and superfluous details, but good start overall. Would offer to edit, but really don't have the time.

Galen certainly seemed to be taking it all in stride. Stoic fellow. And I enjoyed Applejack's initial reaction:

“Oh, Celestia, not another one...” she muttered in slight exasperation.

So how long until the sapient deer show up?

Well I have a bit of a...thing planned. Galen will need to go visit them pretty soon to understand something that's happening to a family heirloom and himself.

Thank for your offer though.

Aye and it's hard to believe that there are 10 of the sassanach among us. I like him, and a smith is always needed in a farm town.

Yew'd be surprised ta find that Ah'm one o' those sassunach as well :rainbowlaugh: Ah just 'ave an appreciation fer tha many languages of tha world an' Gaelic is one that Ah'd love ta learn in its entir'ty.
I've been giving Galen a lot of thought before I started writing this story so that I'm not just bullshitting my way through his reactions in different situations. Not to mention I've seen a couple of those medieval tourist trap towns like Galen was raised in, so it actually made sense for him to have been apprenticed as a smith.

Thank you :twilightsmile: I'm glad you're enjoying it so much :moustache:

I'm liking how the relationship between Applejack and Galen is progressing, so far. Feels very believable.

Good story so far, just a couple of minor personal issues, I guess. Galen's accent is a trifle unwieldy to read, but that's pretty much personal preference.

Additionally, I can't remember which chapter or story its in, but I'm pretty sure it's canon that pegasi don't drink very much in the Xenoverse. As I recall, they don't metabolize alcohol very well, and drinking and flying is a no no. Again, I can't remember which story that's from, but I do know it was in one of the things anonauthor wrote...

I'm taking a little liberty with some of the details and as you could see, Rainbow was practically molesting Lero in public at the end of the contest :facehoof: She can hold her alcohol, but I would like to think she gets black out drunk pretty quickly, even if I don't recall the particular chapter you're referring to :twilightblush: As far as Galen's accent goes, it'll slowly disappear as he spends more and more time here, just as any accent would. He'll adjust his speech patterns over time without realizing it.

This is your best chapter yet. I love the sense of suspense we get at the very beginning. Had me wondering whether this was going to turn out to be 'all just a dream' or whether we'd suddenly entered 'Silent Hill' territory, especially as Herd Bellerophon suddenly vanished.

Then came Pinkie Pie, and you captured her perfectly. It was a delight reading Galen, he really felt like a true human being.

With a quick yawn, Galen returned himself to a sitting position and was about to stand up when a stirring to his side drew his attention to it. He glanced over and saw a portion of his hay mound rise up and fall away to reveal a bright pink coated mare with a slightly darker mane and tail with her back to him. She looked around owlishly before turning around enough to see that Galen was occupying the same mound as she was. Her eyes widened slightly and a furious blush rushed from the base of her neck to her hairline as she let out embarrassed little squeaks. Deciding to take the initiative, Galen did the only thing a man could do in a severely compromising position such as this after a night of hazy debauchery and finding a woman in his bed, or in this case, mound of straw. “Mornin',” he said in a low voice so as not to wake up any of the other sleeping ponies. “Some night last night, huh?”

So I'm wondering if this is an OC of yours? Or some pony we already know?

This only gets better. To use an old southern expression “Ahd give a pertty” to know what Rarity was thinking when she climbed into that closet. Keep up the good work, waiting for more

She wanted to fix Galen up some clothes after his fiasco XD Then she got tired and fell asleep in the linens closet... She had no idea what happened last night and was extremely confused and mortified about where she woke up :rainbowlaugh:

Remind me... did Galen ever mention what his LAST name is?

It's in Old Things Return as New, when he fills out his paperwork. His name is Galen McCaffrey, his middle name is yet a mystery to you... :rainbowderp:

I like the whole aj x galen thing it feels like there is actual substance to their relationship as of yet keep up the great work

Now it's really starting to get good!

Applejack and Galen, in particular, are so well-suited for one another. Cut from the same cloth. But for me, the most enjoyable part of this chapter was the way Applejack and Pinkie Pie decide to team up with each other on getting Galen.

"You in?" / "I'm in."

Very little 'beating around the bush,' these two, almost offhanded how they agree to collaborate on this.

"We pull this off, you and I'll be lovers with each other, sharing the same guy. Possibly even wives, later on down the line." / "We pull this off, I'm down with that. You're cool."

And that makes it so fun and interesting! Now it's all a matter of seeing how the two of them set out to reel the guy in… I'm excited to see what comes next, Etherealunesence! This story's very well paced!

:twilightblush: I'm just pulling inspiration from the show for the most part. It seems like AJ would end up scaring off most of the stallions that would come out to the farm with the amount of both work and commitment asked of them. Pinkie Pie can be surprisingly frank, especially in these situations and AJ would really appreciate the honesty from her, even if she would be fairly embarrassed as she disclosed those budding feelings herself. As far as Galen goes, he's just solid. He won't dawdle when something needs done and when there's down time, he's more than willing to exploit it for all it has lol He's basically the pinnacle of the work hard play hard trope with a healthy dose of the dauntless protector trope as well if you can gauge his death threat to Celestia in no uncertain terms.


Thank you very much :moustache: I'll do my best.

4757715 I hope he doesn't forgive Celestia anytime soon.

Where was Spike this entire chapter?

Oh, I thought I had mentioned it... He went up to Canterlot for a comic convention and won't be back until the end of the "week." Figured I would do a bit of a parallel with the actual Comi-Con :moustache: Just imagine how they're going to have to repurpose a section of both the Library and Lero's house for his stuff when he comes back :rainbowlaugh:

Then again, Galen wouldn't really be privvy to that knowledge as they hadn't brought up Spike in conversation, so... inadvertent spoiler? :twilightsheepish:

It's really cool how much attention to detail you've put into what goes into the making of a blacksmith's smithy.

And I like how things are looking between Applejack and Pinkie more and more. I love the little nods you gave to the original Xenophilia...

"Guess it took a while for me ta look past his body ta really see what it was that they found in him... A strong stallion with a stronger heart."

And how comfortable they seem to be with each other as potential herd sisters.

I've always wanted to find a smith I could apprentice myself to around where I live, so I've done a lot of research into what's required in a proper smithy. The only downside is that there aren't many smiths and they're normally pretty booked with applicants :rainbowwild:
Well, I thought that since this story's about them just as much as Galen, they should have their own devoted sections building on their relationship as well, especially since they don't want to rush Galen into anything before he's even remotely ready. Plus you have to remember that this relationship system is supposed to be free flowing between all parties involved, so it makes sense that the mares should see how well they're compatible. :pinkiesmile: :ajsmug:

Hey! Just wanting to say I've been enjoying your story allot, and wanted to toss over some C&C you way. This is all meant in an effort to help the story, and I'm only offering it because I enjoyed it.

Some things that confused me or I didn't think worked:

1) Galen's Arrival- This is part of what put me off reading this story so long- the "Magical ball from the sky" comes across as an incredibly cliche introduction for a HiE story- I hope you explain/develop it further, as if it's just a plot contrivance, that's disappointing- Lero's transition is a bit novel and has back story to it (and a potential villain)

2) Lero's extremely casual behavior about Celestia wanting to see Galen, and his lack of commiseration to his reaction afterwards. Celestia scared the *shit* out of him, and him letting her do it again without any protest seems... unrealistic. And even if he didn't, he lack of commiserating/sympathy in the aftermath is even weirder.

3) Celestia doing the test at all- for three reasons. Both the main story itself, and the other fanworks more or less depict Celestia regarding her test as a mistake- that she didn't know enough about humans, and it had unforeseen negative effects- which she's been trying to make up for ever since. Her blithely doing it again makes little sense. Second, she now has other resources outside of terrifying and angering their new visitor- Lero is trusted, and could give his own evaluation of Galen from interacting with him, and second, Luna has proven capable (In extended stories) of examining human dreams- So there's other ways of evaluating this human. third, while the test was never explored in detail, the hints of what happened was hair-raising. Her giving a stare and threatening his dog comes off... underwhelming.

4) Dash's reaction to Galen's word's seems... over the top. Breaking out in tears? Not snapping back? What's going on there? That is... weird.

5) Spike is missing for no explicable reason, both from when Galen is introduced to Lero's herd- and at the party where everyone is explicitly invited. Where is he? Why doesn't Herd Bellerophon want to introduce the person who's essentially their son? Why would Pinkie Pie exclude him?

6) You keep refering to Lero's profession being a handyman- while he still does work around town that is easier for him due to his hands, his current profession is masseuse.

7) Small note, why do we never see Winona and Riley interacting, even in passing? Dogs usually love the company of other dogs, and the fact that we never see them in teh same scene seems odd.

Things I liked:

1) I like how Galen quickly establishes himself as very distinct from Lero, Gus, and every other human in Xeno so far, with a distinct background, personality, and skill set. He's fairlly well realized fairly quickly.

2) The way the relationships are developing between Pinkie, Galen, and Applejack is excellent. They flow naturally and work well.

3) The fact that Galen was angered rather than frightened by Celestia is a nice contrast with Lero.

4) The detail of the party worked well, most people can't write a party and make it seem fun, you pull it off.

5) Galen's attitude and acceptance of his situation is rather rational, and works due to his life and background, unless sometimes where the character is unrealistically accepting of their situation for no reason.

I'll message you later tonight about my reasoning for a few of the things you pointed out. I will admit that I hadn't considered Luna as an alternative, although I still say that she would have wanted to see his reactions in those situations due to his obvious arsenal and knowledge on how to use said weapons. Lero was obviously benign to begin with, even without knowlegde of who or what he was, but Galen obviously was a hunter and could have easily harmed or killed somepony if he so chose, likely even without his weapons. Celestia fell back on her old stand-by of putting herself in those situations after provoking him in such a manner so that she could get a feel of his reactions and handle any countermeasures without anypony else over reacting to Galen's reactions.
I'll get back to you on the rest. Sleep needed now... :raritydespair:

Damn those homeosexuals! Desecrating our lakes with their malicious existing!

Hehehehe. It is both a mocking of rabid homophobes by ignorant mispronunciation and a pun! See because homeosexuals would have homeosexual intercourse with is a play on homeopathic medicine, the treatment of 'like with like'! Thereby implying that they are exposing themselves to 'gayness' in order to 'cure' themselves and so the haters and phobes should actually support their relationships!!:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

4798381 Damn son! That is one fine ass comment! Lot of nails knocked right the fuck out!
In other words I really like your comment.:moustache:

Yeah, no way would I agree to take a potshot from someone who works a forge for a living.

I've been tickled before, but never to the point where it caused be to need to urinate.

Galen hitting Celestia... WHOA. Hope his grudge is over now!

Though the sweetest part was the interaction between Applejack and Galen.

Yeah, no. I would try my best to stay on a black smiths good side :rainbowlaugh:

When I was a little kid, I was tickled to the point of complete surrender, though I didn't loose control of my bladder. It isn't a fun thing to have happen...

Comment posted by RedMage0661 deleted Dec 1st, 2014

Galen just became my new favorite character in this universe.:moustache:

Having a bit of a blue then sharing a drink as if nothing ever happened is a very Aussie thing to do, (Irish as well if I'm not mistaken, If they'd broken out the Cider I'd have lost me shit.:rainbowlaugh:) It's a great way to get rid of unwanted tension, and establish great mateships, and Celestia taking it on the chin and moving on Atta girl.:trollestia:

This is the first of the alternate universe stories that I have got into. AJ/Pinkie has honestly never been on my shipping Radar but the development of Pinkies lack of confidence with confronting her own happiness could be a great story arc. This story also shows a lot of potential to elaborate on the Dynamics of Earth pony herds as I imagine the Apples would be fairly traditionalist, (Lets just ignore the fact it will be established around a human)

Keep up the great work and keep them updates coming.

I'm flattered :twilightblush: I'm honored that you like Galen so much :moustache:

So Celestia, after working to re-earn his trust, is going to break his trust again by lying to him when she knows that something is going on. Ya, that's a great idea that isn't likely to backfire at ALL. :facehoof:

It won't be a secret for long. She just has to keep it long enough so that he doesn't try to mess with his powers and knows nothing. It's why she immediately went about getting in touch with some old acquaintances of hers, the ones who can teach him what he needs to know so that he won't kill himself through ignorance :applejackunsure:

Yes and that conversation is going to basically start, "Remember when you asked what happened and I told you it wasn't anything special. Well I lied to you to protect you because you're very much the type of person who wants to be kept ignorant to protect you and I obviously can't trust you enough to follow my advice and not try anything.

"Also, here's a tutor."

It's a typical unseen gun gambit and it's how you stop people form ending up getting killed. If you don't tell them there's a gun or anything to worry about, they won't worry about it and ignore it until they're told about it. By then, Celestia can have it set up and never have to tell him a thing about having kept it a secret because by then it won't matter as others will be dealing with it properly.
This wouldn't be the first time she would have done this in the many, many years she's been around and it won't be the last. She knows how to handle these things delicately and what's another drop to an ocean of guilt she likely carries around with her. It isn't like she's doing this out of spite or malice. It's to protect him from himself.

Galen was taken by a fey mood!

...I wonder how many people will get that reference.

On another note, we're the rest of Velvet's herd out for the day, or are they not canon for your stories?

Since Twilight's family was displayed as monogamist in the show and wasn't portrayed to be herd based in Xenophilia, I went for that in my story (Even though No Room for Regret is really excellent.).


Actually, their status in the show isn't established, partly because the show tends not to dwell on parents much, partly because it doesn't dwell on romantic relationships much, and partly because, well, the show's writers don't recognize herding as a concept. Hell, the show doesn't officially state that they even are her parent, only supplementary materials establish that.

Personally, in my opinion, you missed out a bit here- it was an excellent opportunity to show a bit more herd life from a more typical herd, even if you chose to establish your own. But hey, to each their own.

Comment posted by RedMage0661 deleted Dec 1st, 2014

" Their first date turned out alright thanks to the farm mare, but
I'm thinking you forget to paste in something?

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