It was a nice day at the Wonderbolts HQ, Surprise, Fleetfoot and Misty Fly were doing laps on the runway, Spitfire was doing paperwork in her office. Juggernaut, Hurricane and Typhoon were training in the training room, Soarin and Rainbow Dash were having a pie eating contest. Rainbow Dash and Soarin had recently become marefriend and coltfriend, everyone was happy for them including Spitfire.
Spitfire was sitting in her office doing paperwork when there was a knock on the door. She called out, "Enter."
A grey mail mare with a yellow mane, by the name of Derpy walked in, she saluted and said, "Ma'am your mail." She placed the piles of mail on Spitfire's table and saluted again.
Spitfire nodded, "Thanks Derpy, as usual here's your muffin." She placed a muffin on the table which Derpy immediately grabbed. She saluted and eagerly left the room. Spitfire chuckled and looked through the piles of mail, "Let's see...bills...fan mail...permission stuff- whats that."
She picked up two letters addressed to Rainbow Dash and herself. She turned the letters over to find that they were from Princess Celestia. she carefully pealed off the Royal wax seal and removed the letter, it said.
Dear Captain Spitfire Flame,
We regret to inform you that Miss Rainbow Dashery's father, Spectral Night has escaped Canterlot's highest security prison. We have no intentions of alarming your team but we believe that he maybe coming after Miss Rainbow Dashery. We will be sending extra security to the HQ for your and the Wonderbolts protection.
Kindest regards Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.
"No... they put him away years ago... how could he escape?"
----------------------------------------------------Flashback-------------------------------------------------------
Spitfire was standing in Rainbow Dash's ruined house. Blood was stained all over the cloud floor, knives were laying on the floor; ranging from tiny daggers to large meat cleavers. Thankfully the meat cleavers hadn't been used. Cyan feathers and clumps of fur were laying around with the cleavers and the daggers.
Paramedics were strapping Rainbow down on a cloud stretcher; she had a deep gash down the side of her wing, and another deep gash along her left hind leg and her wing was broken at the base and in the middle. Some other stuff happened but they didn't want to talk about it.
Fluttershy was on the sofa crying when Spitfire walked over and sat down next to her. She asked, "Fluttershy? Are you ok?"
Fluttershy lifted her head and wiped her tears away. She nodded smiling weakly, she couldn't hold the torrent of tears back anymore. She wrapped her forelegs around her and cried into her shoulder. Spitfire couldn't help but feel sorry for her friend, Rainbow Dash was like a sister to Fluttershy and to see her friend being taken to the hospital because of her abusive father was heart wrenching.
As Spitfire hugged Fluttershy back Spectral Night was being put into a Prison Cart. He was resisting a little but the Guards held a firm grip. As the Guard to the left sneezed Spectral Night made his move, he bucked the the left Guard and then punched the Guard to the right in the face. He flew over to Rainbow Dash being put into a Medical Cart.
Spitfire saw Spectral Night flying at Rainbow Dash, her instincts kicked in and she put Fluttershy down as fast as she could and Launched off towards Rainbow's Dad. She head butted him in the stomach making him wheeze and fall back slightly. Spectral recovered faster than Spitfire and he leaped over wrapping his hooves around her neck, He kicked her several times in the stomach. Spitfire's face went bright red and she tried to push him off.
Spitfire thought rapidly, "If I don't do something quickly he's gonna kill me!" With the last of her energy she bucked Night Spectrum with her hind legs and then she punched him in the jaw, breaking it and knocking him out.
The Guards quickly flew over catching him before he hit the ground and literally threw him into the Cart. Spitfire crash landed on the porch and started wheezing, rolled up into a ball clutching her stomach. Paramedics rushed over, they strapped on an oxygen mask and put her onto another stretcher. Rainbow Dash and Spitfire were loaded into the Medical Cart and Fluttershy flew along with them to the Hospital.
--------------------------------------------Flashback Over-----------------------------------------------------
Spitfire rubbed her stomach as she remembered what had happened. She shook her head and said out loud, "I'll give her the letter at dinner later." She went back to doing her work as she pushed the letters aside.
--------------------------------------------Meanwhile In The Mess Hall------------------------------------
"I WIN!" Soarin shouted, bits of pie in his mane and fur.
Rainbow Dash lifted her head up from her pie, she slammed her hoof down on the table and shouted back, "SO NOT FAIR!" She crossed her hooves and pouted.
Soarin chuckled and leaned over, "Rainbow its ok to loose. Your better at flying and Im better at eating pie."
"Fine. Speaking of flying wanna race?" Rainbow Dash stretched her wings.
Soarin rubbed his stomach, "Really? We just ate pie."
"Come on! Just a small race?"
"Fine." Soarin got up and stretched his wings. He followed Rainbow out onto the runway. "Ok whats the course?"
Rainbow stood next to Soarin and said, "We are going to start on the runway, then around the HQ, around the mountain, finally past Spitfire's office and end at the runway."
Soarin nodded and got into the starting position. Rainbow Dash signalled to go, they raced to the edge of the runway and then they took a sharp turn to head around HQ. Soarin pulled ahead of Rainbow as they were ascending to the top of the mountain, a sharp turn around the mountain and rapidly defending to Spitfire's office. A cone started to form around Rainbow as she was descending. When she got to Spitfire's office she immediately pulled up creating a Sonic Rainboom.
Spitfire looked up from her desk as she saw a solid Rainbow streak go past followed by a Sonic Rainboom. She gazed in awe as she saw the Rainboom, after a second a fainter dark blue streak passed by. She said to herself, "It looks like they're having a race as usual. Rainbow Dash must of lost the pie eating contest again." Spitfire chuckled before she headed outside.
Rainbow Dash finished the course and skidded to a holt on the runway, Soarin skidded to a hold a moment later. Rainbow wheezed, "I *wheeze* won!" She raised her hoof in the air in triumph before she collapsed on the ground.
Spitfire trotted up and said happily, "Congratulations Rainbow Dash for winning and not tearing my office apart like the last three times." Rainbow Dash rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment. Soarin held a hoof out and helped Rainbow on to her hooves. "Guys great race, I have to go and finish some paperwork. See you at dinner in half an hour." Spitfire waved and flew off. They waved back.
Soarin turned back to Rainbow, "So what do you want to do now?"
Rainbow stretched her wings and yawned, "Well I don't know about you but I'm going to head back to my room to take a nap before dinner."
"May I join you?" Soarin asked also letting out a yawn. Rainbow Dash simply nodded and flew off to her balcony, Soarin following her.
They touched down on her balcony and Rainbow opened the doors. She walked over to her closet and took her Wonderbolt suit off. She hung it up and tossed Soarin a hanger to hang his up. Soarin usually kept one or two suits in Rainbow's room just incase he needed a spare one. He hung his up and walked over to Rainbow's bed, Rainbow Dash was already on her bed stretching her joints. Soarin sat down on the end of the bed and waited for Rainbow to finish stretching. Rainbow finished after a minute and curled up into a loose ball on the bed. Soarin laid next to her laying a wing over her. They fell asleep almost instantly.
---------------------------------------------Half An Hour Later At Dinner------------------------------------------
Soarin and Rainbow Dash walked into the Mess Hall, they grabbed their trays and sat down at a table where Surprise, Fleetfoot, Misty Fly, Juggernaut, Hurricane, Typhoon and Spitfire were sitting at. Soarin and Rainbow Dash sat down and started eating.
Spitfire remembered the letter and pulled it out, "Rainbow Dash a letter came for you earlier today from the Princesses, I got one as well. Mine said that your Father had escaped Canterlot Dungeons and they believe that he is coming after you."
"Haha good one Spitfire, my dad's in the highest level security prison in Canterlot. Its virtually impossible to escape." Rainbow laughed.
"Rainbow please just read it." she handed the letter to Rainbow.
Rainbow opened the letter and began to read "No...no...no..." Rainbow scrunched up the letter in her hoof. She dropped it on the floor with out thinking and shakily picked up her fork trying to eat.
Everyone at the table was surprised, Rainbow Dash never started shaking for no reason. Soarin bent down and straightened out the paper. He read it and then slid it across the table for the others to read.
"Rainbow..." Soarin put a hoof on her shoulder and put a wing around her. Rainbow took no notice and continued to try and eat. Every time she tried to put food in her mouth the food would fall off the fork and back onto the plate.
Spitfire put a hoof on Rainbow's shoulder and asked, "Rainbow I know first hoof that your father is a bad stallion and I can tell that your trying not to think about it but you don't need to keep eating."
Rainbow whispered, "O-Ok" and put down her fork still shaking.
Spitfire turned to Soarin and said calmly, "Soarin please take Dash to her room, we will clean up the plates for you." Rainbow Dash stood up and very slowly and shakily started walking out of the mess hall.
Soarin smiled, "Sure, could you save me some pie?" Spitfire sighed and nodded. Soarin got up and quickly walked over to Rainbow. He put a wing around her to make sure she didn't fall and they slowly made their way to Rainbow's room.
not bad , i noticed some errors but it wasn't disturbing for the reading.
there's just one you should correct , it's in the Description , you wrote "Shining armor and Flash Century"
it's "Shining armor and Flash Sentry" but apart from that it wasn't bad , keep writing
4804330 there was also spelling errors in the short description as well.
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you're right , but nobody's perfect , i didn't noticed it at first so i guess it wasn't that bad .
here's how i would correct it :
Rainbow dash lost her mother and end up taking the blame for it because of her father, He was put in jail but he's now back with one goal in mind : find Rainbow Dash.
4804365 or change prism to prison.
Protip: if you have spelling errors in your description, you'll lose readers.
4804385 that too
Must
Have
MOAR!!!!!!
Anyway good job a few spelling errors, but not to much to miss out on the whole story keep it up.
Geez, I thought it was, since it has a teen rating.
omc all the feels!
dashie I feel for you and we all wuv you
awesome fic bro you have me on the end of my chair ....awesome!
oh btw when is the next chapter out I cant wait?
My main problem with this story is that everything happens too quickly. I don't normally trot out the old "show, don't tell" card because I consider it up to the author him- or herself to decide how to conduct the tale, but ... there are far too many paragraphs of exposition. The opening should've been expanded greatly because there's just too much packed into that little space, and you're left with little in the way of insight into these people's lives.
It's just feels like "stuff happening 'til I hit 1,000 words."
Also, someone reading someone else's mail - especially in this case when it comes from the Princesses themselves - is EXCEPTIONALLY bad form, to say nothing of a gross invasion of privacy. Spitfire has no right to do this whatsoever.
There's a good idea in here, but it's lost under the rush. Let the story breathe, get yourself an editor, and develop things properly.
Ha call that a nightmare XD
have your oc get attacked by taint before finding her own dead body, top that all of with having your freedom removed by a great and powerful Goddess
thats a nightmare
It's a good story, but you should really spread it out over multiple chapters. Or maybe have flash backs, like when spitfire reads the letter you could flash back to a time when she knew rainbow's dad. It is an interesting idea and I look forward to read more, but pace yourself.
I think you meant prison
Destiny, the story is off to a great start, but I noticed some errors. Don't rush a little when you write, okay. That happened to me one time. But keep up the good work, and make sure not to rush through events, it can spoil the chapter a little.
I believe in you,
Sango_4000
If you are in need of a co-writer, come and talk to me. I might be able to help. Or an editor
I'm so sorry but I can't bring myself to read something that has obvious errors in the summary.
I wish you luck in all your future endeavors.
Okay, a little rushed. I'll keep my eye on it, but I won't up or downvote for a few chapters.
Thisi good I like it keep it up!
Like the concept A lot, but dude you gave away some really good potential reveals in the description. Honestly i would have just said "troubled past with her father" maybe elaborated a bit more but that's all. Leave the readers to contemplate what went down and why.
Either way, like the idea, thumbs up regardless.
Please please please do more this is very good and cute!
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This chapter is re-written and edited hope u like it and the decryption has been edited as well
and Sango could u be my editor?
Good, nice improvement man! Me likey, gimme so more ok?
4823464 I've edited other stories before..........Well, Okay, I'll help
awesome edit:
4826197 thanks Alpha
That was awesome so you edit it made it better and stuff man I like your fic I might follow you just epic
Also can you make like a extra chapter where Isaac Clark curb stomps his a$$ pls
4826238
ok this father abuse daughter sounds an afule lot like what is happening in my story that you are editing and not that i don't like it i think this story is sounds amazing but if my story gave you an inspiration thats ok it's just i was planing on haveing rainbows dad come back in my story i hope thays Ok with you cus i kind of alredy wrote it and im almost doe with it i just need to know if it was my story that gave you insperation to wright this on
4826920 I got the inspiration partly from an old story that got taken down 'hiding a Rainbow' and slightly from yours if that's ok?
4826937
you read hiding a rainbow i loved that story i dont know why it got taken down it was good story how was the guy that wrote it oh and its ok that you got some insperation from my story i think thats pretty cool
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oh and what do you think you oc would look like if you had one just asking
4826954 yeah it's a good story! Do you know the author who wrote it?
And my OC would look like my avatar pic! A guy drew it for me as a gift and the tips of the wings would be darker purple and the eyes would be a spectrum
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i dont know the aouther who wrote it but all i know is that it was a really good story
there better be a sequel to this!
4827303 what do u mean?
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Did I say sequel?
I ment chapter 2
This is good
4828645 ok I'm working on it right now, i hope to get it out with in the next few hours or so