Prologue
I don’t know what I am doing anymore. Its been 8 months since this demon has taken over the Crystal Empire. I was lucky to get out of there in time from what I can tell only me and 10 other escaped from the Empire. Some took shelter and hid in other places of Equestria. I chose a different path, Instead I went to Canterlot to become a soldier in the Equestrian army. King Sombra was taking out so many of our colts and mares that training goes by very quick. Some of us are lucky if we got 5 hours of sleep, they would wake us up and for about 14 hours a day we were training. After 7 months of training they send us out onto the battlefield or if you’re lucky a different job but you have a very slim chance to be a scouter or a medic which if you are one you won’t have to defend yourself all that much.
A lot of us don’t exactly know the origins of King Sombra but he is very power hungry and his magic is right up there with our princesses. Speaking of them we heard that Luna and Celestia were going to form a huge siege on the empire and that they would go and take care of him while we fight off his minions or anything they tell us to do. But in the past 8 months they have done shit except give orders. They have the most powerful magic while I see some unicorns out here who can barely swing their sword properly hell I’ve seen earth ponies and pegasi use weapons better. I’m in amazement I am being able to write all this since we are almost always on the move because the princesses say we need to gain ground and never give King Sombra a chance to recover but in the last week some of us have barley slept and cant even walk without falling over and some have even gotten very sick, all the alchemist are doing their best to create potions as quickly as possible but with everypony on the move and so many of us they are having a tough time doing it.
Me and the squad I’m with have traveled nearly 100 miles in 4 days. We have the map to the next checkpoint and that’s where we are going but luckily we are being allowed to take a break which shocked the hell out of me. Even though we are being treated like crap I don’t regret joining after all my home is under attack and ponies have been put into slavery even my girlfriend. When it comes to the others in my squad most of them I don’t like or don’t care about except for 2 those being Day Wing and Silver Star. Day Wing well what’s there to say besides the fact that he never complains. Sure it may seem like I complain but unlike some others here I don’t tell it out loud then again maybe he is like me. He hates all the treatment but doesn’t complain out loud. Silver Star well she tells out sergeant off when he does something stupid or expects something ridiculous out of us. She also tells of people who complain so that may be another reason I don’t complain out loud.
Anyway I have only been out on the battlefield for a month now but I have been injured twice. Got a gigantic slash on my left leg form an axe I was in pain for 5 straight days. My 2nd wound was a few days ago some of his minions sneak attacked us we didn’t lose anypony but lots of us did get injured. I only got a flesh wound on my shoulder but one of are squad members lost an eye when he was stabbed right in the eye he screamed in pain for so long my stomach got queasy. A currier bird came by and dropped off medicine and well an eye patch for the guy who lost his eye. I was planning on writing down some stuff earlier but since we have always been on the move I have had no time to do anything. Sorry I’m complaining again just a habit of mine. Everypony in Equestria is working long and hard to support us in the war. Everyday new bows and swords are being developed like mine they call it a Nitocics Sword. I guess because that the name of the pony who developed it or something like that, Stupid name if you ask me.
Anyway I’m running out of things to write down that and my mind is boggled up with if I’m going to die or not or what is going to happen tomorrow will we be ambushed again or will it go swimmingly. But I guess I could also bring up what happened last week. On are way to the checkpoint one of are squad members tried killing are sergeant with an axe in his sleep but luckily for the him somepony caught him right as he lifted the axe. We ended up putting him under arrest and someone came and picked him up. Well now I really am out of things to say oh that’s right my name well my name is- “Come on Private breaks over we have to make it to the checkpoint before sun down which is in a couple hours so pack up and lets go.” Well its looks like we are going on the move again so write later or whatever I may not even have time to write for a while again. The squad started to move to their next point with each step getting closer to the Crystal Empire. But everyday King Sombra gets stronger nothing will stop him for ruling the Empire and soon enough all of Equestria. What can one pony and his friends do to stop him find out in the epic tale of "Battle at The Empire."
WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO
This is a joke, right?
4568447 listen whats wrong with the story i wrote because i was bored as fuck and never written fan fic and if its not that good get the hell off my back unlike some 500 pound bronies i do not write fan fiction for a living so if you your going to comment on my FIRST story leave a comment telling me some tips or what i did wrong
4572278 You want some tips? Alright, here goes...
Use proper grammar. Bad spelling/grammar makes even the best-planned stories look like trollfics. Another thing that cleans up a fic is spelling out small numbers.
Put some effort in. Also, just because you wrote it doesn't mean you have to post it.
Finally, it's the internet. People are not going to go easy on you, so brace yourself for hate, deserved or not.
4572278 What you did wrong was post this fic with the premise that you can play it off as something done with no effort. If you're not going to put an effort into something you do then don't put it on the internet and not expect negative feedback.
Your second mistake is not being able to take a negative comment and resulted in lashing out by badmouthing the fandom. This being your first story does not give you any special treatment, you will be held to the same standards as any other writers.
That "i" needs to be in capital by the way. And that is the poorest excuse I have ever heard, hundreds of well known authors in this website write as a fun little hobby. Next time you write a story, make an effort, and learn to take some negative comments.
4568447 no.......................................................................................................................................
P.S. JKD....... Myabe
4572278
4572455 you guys are uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupset...
4572455 Hey if you read my authors note you would see that i don't love and tolerate i said i would like constructive criticism ar-tard if you read my authors note not people just bitching that i am not a good story writer so thank you for the info i can use for later stories.
4572455 Plus mr. ever writer is the same unlike some people on here i don't have the time to write a piece of resistance. I know people wont treat me differently for being my first story but some people do and some others such as yourself who expects the same from all new writers and old ones and do you know how long it took me to do this hell i was planning on making an account 3 weeks ago but things get complicated in real life and on the computer i mean hell steam has amazing sales so i got new games so i made the account wrote the story posted it BECAUSE i wanted some feedback on how i can improve me writing and now i am going to look through your stories and hold you up to the greatest writers this fandom has to offer.
4576622 Your grammar and your sentence structure need some improvement, if you want a more detailed explanation then I recommend finding someone to pre-read your story and help make appropriate edits. Then you can compare pre and post edits in order to see what is different and learn how not to make the same mistakes.
This is a very long sentence, try to add some more pauses. Also, try to read what you write out loud, Even if he is writing this in a journal it's just not how someone would talk. If English is not your first language than errors like this are understandable.
Is this the kind of feedback you're looking for?
P.S. I can take a negative comment on my own fics.
I like this story. I really do. It's a great idea for a fanfic. The only faults I can find are the spelling and paragraphs. Please keep writing this story.